Grid Effect

Not for nothing, but we were impressed with last night’s Survivor, even if it was one team completely destroying another (I was kind of hoping the favorites would lose as comeuppance for getting rid of Yau-Man prematurely, but that wasn’t the case). And the idol discovery was probably the best they’ve had since its inception, probably because it was done so effortlessly and secretively. Cirie should have known better considering all the traveling through water that the retrieval entailed. Considering how easy the clues were for seemingly everyone but Ami, the only real challenge here was the foot and aquatic travel, and no one is swimming from one island to the next quicker than Ozzy.

But anyhow, you may have noticed were not doing the Wire recap in our usually designated spot. This is mostly the result of us having watched episode 59 a couple times since, and hoping to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone without backtracking and watching episode 58 again so we know what not to include. And even though we could probably avoid this just by doing it from memory this fine Friday morning, we’re at work and don’t really have the time. So, as is our motto, here are some links:

It would seem that Charlie Sheen called Ryan Seacrest to assist in halting the production of his estranged ex-wife’s reality show. While I can understand Sheen not wanting to have his kids exploited in any way (though they clearly haven’t dodged that pickle), does Seacrest really have any pull? It would be like calling Bill Bellamy at MTV to prevent Daria from airing in the early 90’s. Oh, or remember The Maxx? Yeah, like everything it may be on youtube, but I’ve got that shit on VHS.

Probably the coolest cartoon of all time.

A bit of a Wire teaser for you, and absolutely do not watch this if for some reason you haven’t seen any of this season or episode 58: an interview with the child actors who play Bug and Kenard for some Baltimore radio show. They seem to be cast in their respective roles for a reason, as Bug has to be forced into talking while Kenard just does so without any suggestion. And my apologies for not knowing their actual names, but they’re peripheral characters and I’m not even sure if they’re in the opening credits.

An interview with Michael K. Williams, the above bold print applies to this link as well.

Oh, and just so no one’s upset when they flip to HBO on demand Sunday night at midnight and do not see the new Wire episode posted: it’s because it won’t be, at least not until after it airs on HBO. So if you’re like me you have two full weeks (or 13 days and 21 hours if you want to get technical about it) in between the penultimate episode and the ninety minute finale.

More evidence that despite my hatred for ABC, it’s the best run network of the four: they’re now offering on demand services. While this is a great service, I’m just not sure how many times over I can watch the same Dancing With The Stars episode. This does affect ratings though, look at The Wire as case in point. I doubt ABC will post episodes a week in advance, but if people feel like they can tune in at their convenience, fewer people are going to watch when Nielsen’s are being measured.

Speaking of the pay network, here is HBO’s intro from 1983. See I told you everything is on youtube. This thing is so fucking dated they do everything but have a narrator hype the age of colored television.

Registration is required for this article from the LA times, but it pleads the case for a total revamping of the Oscars. We don’t really understand this prevailing attitude. They had limited time to prepare because of the writer’s strike, the movies were mostly obscure indie-flicks that the overwhelming majority of the movie going public did not see, and they were four hours long. Can’t we just chalk it up to a disappointing year for the Oscars and move the fuck on? Do full articles from national publications about the shortcomings of an awards show really need to be penned? Well, yes, I have been watching this Wire season, why do you ask?

I love this article about the misguided attempt from HBO to post Wire episodes a week in advance on demand. We’ve mentioned consequences of this before and this article is nothing more than validation, because it does seem to lead to premature online leaks and contributes to probably thousands of loyal fans being unwillingly spoiled (either from said leaks or message boards). We try to keep it really discrete around here as we never watch online episodes, but are on the on demand schedule. There is only one episode left that no one but critics and show creators have seen, so it’s too little to do anything about it now, but hopefully with their next critically acclaimed series they’ll keep the interests of their fans in mind.

For girlfriends who would find it entertaining if their boyfriends killed themselves, here’s an article tossing around the idea of a hybrid Friends and Gilmore Girls movie. Sure it’s all fun and games now, but how do you think a Bratz movie gets made?

Speaking of suicide, which is always a cheerful topic, if this woman from Moment of Truth doesn’t leap off the Chrysler Building then she’s getting off easy. Cheat on your spouse? Yeah, whatever, obviously you’re not the first. Completely humiliate and berate him on national television about your infidelities, well, that’s an entirely new breed of satanic. I guess it’s appropriate that the question she lied on was, “Are you a good person?” Also, I’m completely OK with the FOX entertainment branch being burning to rubble.

And finally, SNL is preparing another Obama-Clinton sketch for this upcoming episode. While we watched last week and chuckled a couple times, it is really hard to watch the sketch comedy show trudge along knowing how great it was from 1991-1998 or so. The sketch that Senator Clinton awkwardly invoked in her debate on Tuesday didn’t really strike me as all that hilarious because it lacked any sort of nuance (like every SNL skit from the past six years), and seemed to actually believe that Clinton’s recent primary woes have been the sole result of media bias.
Obviously the media likes him over her, it’s undeniable, but she has a solid amount of journalist advocates and the lambasting she’s received (if you can even call it that) is nothing compared to what they’ll do to McCain. Somehow we doubt the vitriol from Clinton supporters will be as venomous.

Anyhow, before we get too far off track, look for the Wire recap later this weekend.

If you’re wondering, that above acronym stands for, “I should be carried on the chariot-type thing”, we would have spelled it out, but it seems needlessly long and idiotic for a blog post title, or really even for an episode of television. In fact we hated typing it out in this intro, but the acronym looks equally ridiculous so warrants an explanation.

We’re having a tough time with this season now. We find the entertainment value on them fairly high but the decision making questionable. This is particularly disappointing on the favorites side, for the amount of time these people have invested in competing, rehashing and reconsidering their mistakes and triumphs, you figure they’d bring more to the table, instead they’re acting like their at final eight or nine when there is still eighteen people left on the island.

Pre-credits scene, arriving from TC, Mikey suspects Joel of the blindside, and in doing so he calls the gay guy a girl. Its really hard to determine which one of these two is more reprehensible, right now I’m Joel, given his overtly violent metaphors. This guy is like some mafioso attempting to intimidate a juror, “I’m not saying something bad is going to happen, but if it did…” and so forth. Only he’s amazingly less subtle.

Malakal is on the beach and starting a fire like clockwork, the couples alliance is attempting to persuade Eliza, given that she only looks like and idiot we understand the motivation here, but Eliza is anything but and immediately reports it back to Ami, Penner and Yau. Cirie voices over while listening to all of this that she’s still in limbo and my God does Penner hate Parvati. He actually has to deem her a threat to get the rest of her tribe on board.

While reading tree mail at Aarai, Alexis is ecstatic that it’s a physical challenge and Joel looks like he feels it’s long overdue despite only being there for about six days. Everyone applies face paint and exaggerates how seriously they should take this. Personally, I’d put my money on the fans, Joel might not be as fit as James, but the edge always goes to borderline psychotic.

No one on Malakal realizes who Mary is when Jeff announces she’s been voted off, proving even further that they should cut the contestant number down to 16. At our first reward challenge, it’s essentially tackling each other and throwing bags into an end zone. It’s everything happening at once, so we’ll just throw in some highlights:

Amanda’s getting her ass kicked by every guy on the favorites tribe.

Eric pulls Eliza into the end zone, then smacks her in the head with the bean bag.

James take exception to Jason flipping Amanda over and hones in on him, manages to keep it practical and just take the bean bag.

Penner scores the winning point.

Favorites take reward which entails some camping utilities. They send Kathy to Exile and she looks disappointed. Why? I don’t know, she’s already recognized her ostracizing, why not take a stab at finding the idol again. Ami volunteers herself and is giddy about it. We’re not so certain Kathy will come back with the same enthusiastic demeanor after hanging out with Ami for a day that she did with Cirie.

Cirie sits around listening to the couples alliance bragging how much the other tribe members wanted to fuck them during the ultra physical challenge. Parvati admits to excessively muscular James that she is impressed he is excessively muscular. Cirie is mad she isn’t being courted for her vote. She’s like the Ohio of this Survivor season. And this is where the episode title comes in, for the most part she’s kidding, but you can tell a part of her is being serious. It’s something we haven’t really seen from her yet, and it ends up being just a tip of the iceberg.

Later, out on a boat, Amanda and Parvati are convincing Cirie to go all the way to the end as a core three alliance with Ozzy and James as their piggy-backers. If this comes to fruition it would be really disappointing. But Amanda and Parvati (especially Parvati) are fairly convincing in saying they would drop the prospective boyfriends in a heartbeat. Jon and Eliza fret (Eliza: they’re filling her head with lies! All lies!).

Kathy and Ami have to throw in the towel on idol searching as there is a monster storm coming in, and everyone has their own experiences with it. Ozzy sympathizes with the fans tribe, and that’s what makes him so likable. Jason on said fans tribe, is quite insecure about the whole thing, playing the, “Their probably all laughing at us card”. Well, I know you don’t have a mirror, but can you feel your body curled up in the fetal position?

Back at the fans camp post-storm, spirits are down, morale is at an all time low, Joel said the storm felt like it was his second beating of the day. Alexis is shivering pretty violently and says they cannot lose so apparently her spirit isn’t entirely crushed. Though her shaking indicates some lifelong repercussions from being out here.

At IC, Jeff explains to us that four people from each tribe, two men and two women are holding a basket in place with ropes, the other team is going to throw coconuts into said basket, the more you get into the other teams basket the quicker they drop it and thus the team who drop their basket first loses.

I felt like I did a shitty job of explaining the IC above, so here’s a visual interpretation.

Yau and Jason seem to excel and eventually everyone gets the hand of it, except for Joel, who never seems to do anything but stand around and glare, I’m assuming he’s holding a rope, but its hard to tell because the camera finds the favorites oh so hypnotic. The fans look like they’re starting to pull ahead, and about twenty seconds after I typed that the favorites drop the basket. Favorites are going to Tribal Council and if Cirie does side with the couples alliance, this season is going to take a turn down dipshit alley (minus Ozzy), and that is a Judgment Night-esque change of direction.

Back with the favorites who are about to send home another contestant, Ami is frustrated from the storm and the loss, while Yau and Jon decide to send home Parvati and the other alliance wants to get rid of Yau. Supposedly because he’s Asian and will obviously find the idol on his first visit to Exile. Penner is wise to the entire Parvati manipulating the two other men in her alliance. Penner and Yau really attempt to convince Cirie that they are not planning on going to the final two and Penner’s pleas fall on deaf ears. Cirie is really on something of a power trip. She’s pretending not to be, but her tone and demeanor would suggest otherwise. This woman apparently didn’t like being low on the totem poll in her original season.

Penner immediately goes over to Ozzy, because he has a modicum of sensibility and stands strong on voting for Eliza, and when he returns to his alliance, Amanda and everyone else does a really shitty job of convincing him for Yau. Mostly because voting out Yau makes no inherent sense. They’ve lost two immunity challenges already, Yau, though tiny, is fucking dominating in challenges. And I’m going to take this moment to say how annoying and absurd it is that Parvati and Amanda are controlling this game (minus Cirie). For whatever reason, the women want to vote for Yau and the men sensibly want to vote for Eliza, James uses his trademark and calls all of them dumb asses. He’s no different, because they should all turn around and vote out Cirie, hope to run through the rest of the challenges undefeated or just go into the next tribal council 4-4.

At TC, people summarize their situation and it sounds like we’ve known for the past fifteen minutes, its going to be Yau, Eliza or Parvati. At the moment I’d put my money on Yau, but he hasn’t been on camera at all really, so maybe not. Everyone gives self-absorbed answers and Cirie and Penner get into a heated argument. Penner is accusing Cirie of casting her vote out of self-interest and not in the best interest of the tribe, Cirie is claiming it’s nothing but sour grapes. Very well may be, but when you lie to get ahead, even in Survivor people are going to call you out on it. Penner isn’t making much sense and might even be acting a little self-righteous at the moment, but people aren’t going to thank you for completely fucking them over. We go to the vote, and Penner cast his for Parvati calling her an idiot for trusting Cirie, and Cirie votes for Yau calling him the biggest liar, they read as such:
Parvati
Yau
Yau
Parvati
Cirie (what the hell?)
Yau
Yau (fuck)
Yau
You have to be kidding me. Aren’t these people having supposedly played this game before? And just to show how graceful he is, he reassures one of the girls and tells her not to cry, then after he is “deflamed”, tells his teammates to have fun. This is a disappointment. He goes, yet everyone on the tribe minus Ozzy and Penner stay? Right now I could probably predict the pecking order, Penner is going to be the next out, then if Ami can convince all the women in the tribe to do the female empowerment thing, James and Ozzy will go next (in that order). If she cannot, it will be Eliza and Ami (also in that order).

Tonight: Penner and Cirie get into it again, Mikey’s now the one bringing the violent similes and presumably someone finds something at Exile, though it isn’t explained what.

Yau goes out as gracefully as Mary, if not more so and recognizes his ouster is part of a “cruel game”. He even acknowledges how lucky he is to have gotten to play twice. Just depressing in its earnestness.

Wire recap tomorrow.

Remember how yesterday I’ve mentioned I’ve led a charmed life? Well, for some people that isn’t good enough, apparently, because Simon Cowell is publicly berating the Oscars for not inviting him to their self-congratulatory film awards, saying it “reeks of snobbery”, is “ridiculous” and they think he’s the “Antichrist”.

To begin the rundown of all the things utterly and inarguably wrong with this, I like the notion that he claims it “reeks of snobbery”. This is coming from a man with no musical background that I’m aware of, who systematically rejects people from performing on a stage with nothing more than a whim-based opinion. Did Simon have a good meal before arriving on set? Well, that improves your chances. If Simon got laid beforehand, thank your lucky stars because for at least a few minutes afterwards he won’t be so overtly bitter. For someone whose entire show revolves around his elitist subjectivity, this is definitely the Euro-trash celeb calling the more popular kids’ kettle black.

I’d worry less about the Oscars and more about buttoning up that shirt.

A few more things about this: First, it seems that when he’s on the business end of a decision he is knocked off his A-game. Secondly, why would he want to go to the Oscar’s in the first place? There isn’t any disillusioned high-schoolers there to make fun of, and the thing regularly lasts about three and a half hours. Honestly, even if it is something you would like to attend and aren’t allowed, it’s embarrassing enough that I think you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Thirdly, how fucking entitled can a reality television personality be?

The man makes $40 million a year to throw vague, rehearsed insults at people too nervous or too shy to retaliate, through this process manages to become a television icon and then proceeds to complain when he isn’t invited to what the film industry considers their most prestigious event? It’s rare I’ll defend those in Hollywood who treat events like the Oscars as something that has any significance whatsoever (I’m not even sure that is what I’m doing here), but fuck Simon Cowell.

He works in television and is a millionaire probably close to a hundred times over at this point and still finds room for professional dissatisfaction? He is well on his way to being the British Donald Trump, a recognizable face for no discernible reason or talent that everyone takes seriously because he’s somehow managed to accumulate power and wealth, but laughs at him behind his back because otherwise he would be cartoonishly non-threatening. If there was any justice in the world David Simon would make Simon Cowell like money.

But alas, America loves their fame whores. He’s essentially Paris Hilton with a sharper tongue, or a successful Andy Mellman who never developed a conscious. Shit, at least neither of them wallowed to the public over not being invited to the Oscars. You’re a television personality, you’ve never worked in film (at least not regularly) and the Oscars are about creative endeavors, something you’ve never been apart of. Go swim in your pool of gold coins and quit acting like you were fucking slighted in any way.

Were back from the weekend, finally. And I have to tell you, nothing sucked the life out of me quite like that Oscar blog. I’ve lived a relatively charmed life, so when I say that’s the closest I’ve been to any sort of torture, you know I’m being serious. It’s about what I imagine being an Al-Qaeda detainee is like, except for the longterm physical abuse and potential death. But it was bad enough that we couldn’t bring ourselves to post yesterday without a specific topic, which we seldom have nowadays.

So here are a few links, the first three days of the week are turning into a mini-preseason. We gear up for writing about Survivor and The Wire by reusing and rehashing the same tired gimmicks over and over again. And though we feel as if we’ve perfected these gimmicks about a year ago, there still might be some benefit in this repetition. Not really, but that’s how we kid ourselves, and we’ll be damned if anyone can take that away from us.

The Oscar’s had their lowest rating since the inception of ratings. “Only” 32 million people tuned in, and while it’s the lowest rating since 1974, the fact that they got 32 million people to watch that tripe is impressive. How often do 32 million people ever do anything simultaneously?

If you’re looking for an endless amount of HBO teasers, well, look no further. It appears the cable network has fully embraced the glory of new media by creating their own youtube page. This is the perfect way for them to lure in non-subscribers to pay for something they probably can’t afford.

Few non-murderers/rapists disgust me more than Heather Mills, and the fact she can actually make me care about her either way I suppose is why she keeps being rewarded for her contribution to the downfall of humanity. Yes, Ms. Mills is parlaying her barely a marriage to Beatles icon Paul McCartney into a cooking show. For the love of all that is holy can she please drop off the face of the Earth?

Prison Break is pulling a Nip Tuck and moving to Miami. Well, I hope they’re moving the fucking prison as well, since the premise of the series is that someone is breaking out of it. Didn’t they ever consider the idiocy of that title if it was going to last passed one season? This fuck-up just about embodies why we rarely watch network television.

NBC is picking up a series based on the classic novel, Robinson Crusoe. We read this book for college and the fucking thing might as well have been in hieroglphyics. If they keep the same diction, we’re probably going to sit this one out.

Isn’t there a more recent novel to base an island series off of? You know, like one written in the past 280 years.

You know there is no justice in the television industry when Women’s Murder Club and Lipstick Jungle are both extended while Friday Night Lights and Arrested Development get the ax. Oh well, we suppose there is a reason your television is often referred to as an “idiot box”.

We’re somewhat hesitant to post anything about a Wire episode before we do our recap and review of it on Friday (If you haven’t seen it yet this is a huge spoiler), but Michael K. Williams has said he wished the character had stayed in Puerto Rico. From a fan standpoint we tend to agree (even though we’re not supposed to like the guy), but we consider his downfall a privilege to watch.

Oh, this is why we don’t watch any primetime television: the broadcast networks apparently do not want me too. Or, at least that’s how I interpret the airwaves being overrun with “cougars”. For those completely turned off by contemporary nomenclature (I usually am, but am unfortunately in tune with it), a “cougar” is an older woman who sleeps with a significantly younger guy, the female equivalent to the older guy who has a trophy wife. The only time we’ve found this unique or interesting is in Weeds, and the woman is a widower.

Speaking of which, Weeds apparently shares a number of similarities with Breaking Bad, a series we kind of regret missing and now it is only enhanced.

That’s it for today, we’ll try to keep to fresh tomorrow. An essay of some sort, maybe. Probably not, but maybe.

Back in the saddle. We didn’t have nearly enough cocaine left to keep us wired for the entire telecast, should it run passed the 11:30 mark.

10:00- Oprah has her own version of Brewster’s Millions on ABC, we might have to watch that just for the material.

10:02- Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen prove why their part of the elite comedy team in Hollywood presenting the award for best sound editing. It should go to No Country for that ridiculous Antoine Chigurh’s ridiculous gun, but they throw a studio film a bone and give it out for The Bourne Ultimatum. People are scared to death of that exit music.

10:04- Hill and Rogen continue the same shtick and present for best sound mixing. We have no idea what the difference is between this and editing, but we’ll trust that their is one. 3:10 To Yuma is nominated here, and as far as we know this is unbelievably its only nomination, but it as well goes to Bourne.

10:07- Presenting the award for best actress is Forest Whitaker, a year removed from his role as Idi Amin. This is a really obscure field, despite our regular and over-indulgent film attendance we’ve only seen two of these, it goes to someone named Maria Cotilliard for La Vie En Rose, the same women who was shedding tears after the win for best makeup for the same picture. Eh, no opinion one way or the other on this one.

10:18- Stewart is playing Nintendo Wii with someone when we return, and its the most exciting thing to happen since the monlogue. Colin Ferrell (who was in a borderline great movie I saw last night called In Bruges), presents the song “Falling Slowly” from Once by Glen Hansard. Another film we wanted to see but never got around to. It’s supposed to be fantastic and doesn’t fail to live up to expectations. A little overly emotive, but good all the same. I suppose seeing it in the context of the movie helps matters.

10:24- Jack Nicholson steps up to the podium with the look of a man who doesn’t want to be remembered for The Bucket List, something he really shouldn’t be too concerned with. He’s introducing another montage for best picture (we had to at least say why he’s on stage, our apologies). The titles on the montage are all left of center, so if you are unfamiliar with a movie such as The Bridge Over The River Kwai, you’d just assume it’s called “ver The River Kwai”, at least if you were an idiot. Also, it seems worth mentioning that I can’t believe some of the movies that won in the early part of the decade. It’s a good thing we were in college then and had binge drinking to distract us from the mediocrity.

10:28- Rene Zelwegger presents for best film editing. Do people winning these technical awards jump into the field saying things like, “Someday, I hope to win Oscar gold”? I’m sure some do, but the majority probably do not. Do we have to force them to take part in this spectacle? Can’t they do it off camera and condense this shindig down to two hours (at least)? Someone’s regretting a decision…

10:31- Nicole Kidman has a top on that looks like it is encrusted in diamonds. If that is indeed the case, no fewer then seventy Africans gave their lives for. Not sure if it’s worth it. Anyhow, she’s introducing another montage for lifetime achievement winner Robert Boyle. He has a scarf on that could cover the whole in the ozone. He is dapper and appreciative, amazingly the orchestra isn’t queued up to rush him off.

10:42- Stewart jokes about restarting the show, and we are so deep into a temporary depression that we couldn’t bring ourselves to laugh.

10:43- Penelope Cruz, who has never been able to lose her thick Spanish accent, is presenting the award for best foreign language film. This is the only category that 2007 failed to trump from 2006. But when you have Clint Eastwood nominated in this category, its probably never going to be trumped. The director accepts the award for The Counterfitters.

10:45- Patrick Dempsey introduces the last song nominated, it is also from Enchanted and is a romantic ballad. We’re going to go read Alan Sepinwall’s write-up on tonight’s Wire episode.

10:48-….And we’re back, John Travolta comes out to present the award for best song by dancing with one of the stage performers for the last nominee. Everyone pauses awkwardly, the gives a delayed applause. Everyone, and I mean everyone is rooting for “Falling Slowly” and wouldn’t you know? It takes the prize. Both seem flattered and are gracious, other than clearly having the best song and being European, is there a reason the crowd is so behind these two?

10:52- Luckily Stewart jokingly calls him arrogant then quickly comments on how great the moment was. Honestly, what does he have on these people?

10:57- Wow, Stewart and I’m assuming it was producer approved, brings out the female half of the “Falling Slowly” duet. These two must have some mass Hollywood orgy on tape at their apartment.

10:59- Cameron Diaz comes out looking like Chyna to present the award for best cinematography. There Will Be Blood wins appropriately. That movie literally had me mesmerized at times. It was embarrassing. Someone dumped a bag of popcorn on me and I hardly noticed. Said cinematographer says they all have Daniel Day Lewis to thank for the masterful camera work. Damn, that guy was multi-tasking like a motherfucker.

11:02- Hilary Swank introduces the in memoriam for February 1st, 2007 through January 21st of this year. Its not in alphabetical order so were guessing DOB or of death. Probably not the latter since Antonlioni pops up way too soon. Certainly not by recognizability, we’re going with DOB by the month, not year.

11:09- As of now we can think of three awards still to be handed out (Best picture, director and actor) and then we’re home free. Amy Adams, who we’d hate to think what we wouldn’t do for some face time with, presents the best original score (OK, four more). There Will Be Blood should be a shoe in, but we see it’s not even nominated and it goes to Atonement, so the young Mensch’s involved with the most questionable film up for multiple nominations don’t get completely shut out.

11:11- Tom Hanks steps up to the podium and as he does everything, introduces several soldiers from Bagdhad in a likable manner, and they present the award for best documentary short (shit, six more). It goes to two women responsible Freeheld. As always the case with documentaries, the subject matter is something the creators are unabashedly passionate about, and the woman is in tears.

11:15- Hanks presents the award for best documentary feature, and really, if King of Kong isn’t nominated then I can’t really take this seriously. We know it’s lighthearted by comparison, but is so well-executed and so humanizing (which is almost harder to do in a film about Donkey Kong than a war) that its absence is palpable. Anyhow, it goes to Taxi to The Darkside.

11:23- Harrison Ford comes out to present the award for best original screenplay (its best to not listen to any of my presumptions). Strong category, but Diablo Cody is going to win due to hype and her overwritten dialog. Naturally, maybe listening to some of my presumptions is wise. She manages to avoid saying anything like “honest to blog” while choking back tears before losing it at the tail-end of her speech. Damn it, now I feel bad about taking a couple shots at her expense.

11:29- One minute before the scheduled end of the broadcast, and they are just getting to the first of the “final three” awards that I said were to be handed out. Helen Mirren presents the award to Daniel Day-Lewis who apparently is there (though his overly humble cinematographer suggested otherwise) for best actor. What should be the strongest of categories but has three performances we’re unclear about, most notably Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises, when he very well could have won — much less been nominated for — A History of Violence. Anyhow, its good to know what Daniel Day-Lewis actually looks like.

11:40- Best director is presented by last year’s winner: Martin Scorcese. We’ve never understood how this award differs all that much from best picture. What about the best directing isn’t synonymous with the best movie? The nominees are almost identical to the best picture category (Diving Bell and The Butterfly replacing Atonement). No Country wins this as well, giving it three on the night, and I’d bet dollars to donuts that it wins best picture as well.

11:45- Denzel presents for best picture, he’s beginning to look like Forest Whitaker more and more everyday. Naturally, No Country takes this as well, and it is somewhat odd since they just got done intentionally giving a incredibly short but thankful and lighthearted acceptance speech for best directing, so they let another co-producer do all the talking.

That is it for the 80th Oscars. We are mercifully done. The bright side of this running long is we only have thirteen minutes until the aforementioned Wire episode is posted on demand.

I wouldn’t expect anything from us in tomorrow. Maybe some links in the afternoon.

Welcome one and all, to the 2008 Oscars. It was a particularly critically successful year for the film industry, if not commercially so. Essentially all of the films sans Juno nominated for multiple awards were overlooked by the American public. So, for better or worse, mass interest in this year’s awards season is almost non-existent. And reasonably so. Film awards are never all that enthralling and nine times out of ten they’re completely subjective. Between that, the writer’s strike and the lack of mainstream appeal, the 2008 Oscars have culminated into what feels like something everyone wants ignore (more so than usual), as opposed to the “biggest night in Hollywood”. How eventful.

But still, Jon Stewart is hosting, if we can watch an hour long interview with him on Larry King then we can watch him host an awards show, regardless of how tedious it is. Many of the films nominated are ambitious and an artistic success, and in the interest of full disclosure: we’ve seen every film up for multiple awards except for Atonement (we’re not dating anyone) and Sweeney Todd (we’ve seen enough Tim Burton movies to know what to expect from him in an adapted stage musical), so there are definite opinions and rooting interest which will most likely pepper this entire post(s).

With that in mind, feel free to comment any disagreements or petty grievances in the comments, we’ll post at almost every commercial break and probably take musical and in memoriam segments of the show off. If you want an indication of how this is going to go, here’s our recap of the 2007 Oscar’s.

8:30- Flipped in a few minutes early, Regis called Javier Bardem, “Xavier Bardem”. I guess I really have no idea how his name is pronounced (though I assume its something along the lines of Hav-ier), but this wreaks like someone is aging in front of our eyes. We’re off to a great start.

8:32- Jon Stewart’s brought out after a generic, recycled special effects montage of an introduction. Beginning his monologue with commentary on the strike goes to show that he is fully intent on being just as critical of Hollywood to Hollywood, this is why he makes this show a hundred times more watchable.

8:36- Already taking potshots at the Clinton’s, everyone laughs. Jesus, isn’t this their base?

8:39: Diablo Cody looks like she just fell off a flying carpet, and Stewart makes light of your average Oscar nominated writer’s six figure salary. Then mocks Hollywood’s virtual monolithic political views.

8:41- This isn’t as scathing as last year, but just as funny. We can’t really blame him, he would probably be pushing his luck to do the same set two years in a row.

8:42- Jennifer Garner presents the award for costume design, it goes to some cat for Eizabeth: The Golden Age, and we can’t tell you how long overdue this is. Really, we can’t. Or if she has won in the past. She manages to keep it succinct with a few simple thank yous. Any chance this becomes a trend? With untimely community deaths and a strike just in the rear-view mirror ,there’s a good chance we’re in store for a myriad of impromptu orchestra music tonight.

8:46- Clooney presents a self-aggrandizing Oscar tribute, in which the Oscar’s congratulate the Oscars for a solid four minutes of reflective clip glory. Oscars.

8:52- Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell present the award for best Animated feature to Ratatouille, which we actually mocked pretty unapologetically during the previews because it looked so fucking ridiculous. Call it our disdain for all talking animal features or bad marketing on the part of Pixar, either way it looked like garbage. of though Carrell and Hathaway do some overacted shtick that indicates a writer’s strike before handing out the award.

8:56- Katherine Heigl has her award face on, ironically enough to present for best makeup, of which Norbit is nominated for. Just based on the fact they actually nominated it, it really should win. But they give it to two people for La Vie En Rose. Some actress that was presumably in said movie is really, really attached to this achievement, and even brushes away some tears. She’s in for a long night if her reaction is so visceral for best makeup. In fact it’s probably in her best interest not to go home with anything.

8:59- Amy Adams performs the nominated song from Enchanted. We’ve come a long way from Cruel Intentions 2, baby. I’m sure this is a helluva performance, but I’m watching it with Junebug in mind.

9:06- Stewart compares The Rock to Ellen Page…we think its pretty similar. Anyhow, Johnson is presenting for best visual effects, Golden Compass is nominated, and it has wise polar bears, so of course it wins. This crowd probably has nothing but contempt for Michael Bay, so if you thought Transformers was going to win, think again.

9:10- Cate Blanchett, every girls girl crush after Angelina Jolie, as I like to refer to her, gives out the award for best art direction and set decoration to Sweeney Todd. Two Italians responsible for The Aviator win and are rushed of the stage post-haste. Coincidentally, Blanchett won best supporting actor for her role in the Scorcese movie, they don’t seem to know each other.

9:14- Another montage of best supporting actor winners. It seems unnecessary. Jennifer Hudson presents the award to Javier Bardem in what is otherwise a competitive field, but no one else stood a chance. That guy essentially played the devil incarnate and did so convincingly. Seriously, I cried myself to sleep the night I saw that film. Hoffman, Casey Affleck, Hal Holbrook (who was great in Into The Wild but had maybe twenty minutes of screen time) and Tom Wolfinson all turned in worthy performances. Like I said earlier, a really good year for the film industry. Bardem gives the second half of his acceptance speech in Spanish (directed at his mother), way to rope in the fly-over states, man.

9:24- Keri Russell presents the second performance for best song for Raise It Up. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a You Got Served type film? What’s with the slow ballad? I wants to see some steppin’! All I know is, this is no “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp”.

9:29- Owen Wilson, who I’m going to refrain from making any jokes about, presents the award of Best Live Action Short Film to Le Mozart Des Pickpokets. We might be mistaken, but we think its foreign. The recipient couldn’t speak English and he resorted to his native tongue (French?) as well, but it could all be a ruse.

9:31- Jerry Seinfeld continues his inevitable plunge into obscurity by showing up in digital animation Bee Movie form presenting for best animated short to two people for Peter and The Wolf. Some co-recipient says it is “for everyone”. Really? That’s kind of strange, because you seem to be clutching it pretty tightly.

9:34- Another montage, this recognizing best supporting actress nominees and we’re going to just quit mentioning them. Alan Arkin hands out this year’s award to Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton. This was also a strong category, and if we said we weren’t rooting for Amy Ryan ( Beadie on The Wire) for her role in Gone Baby Gone, then we’d be lying. Swinton is warranted though, she certainly gave the most nuanced performance, particularly in her final scene.

9:43- Back from commercial and oh my God we’re only one hour through this thing. We’re going to need a Roger Clemens type B-12 shot to make it through this and expect to watch The Wire’s penultimate episode on demand.

9:44- Enough bitching, Jessica Alba is presenting the award for all the scientific technical awards to several people. Everyone pretends to know what she is talking about.

9:45- Good lord, Stewart is delivering well. Few can so comfortably rip on Alba, Blanchett and Nicholson all in one breath.

9:46- James Brolin and I think James McAvoy presents for best adapted screenplay to the Coen brothers for No Country For Old Men. Seems fitting, but if you read the book then you would know that Tommy Lee Jones’ final scene is also a part reflection on his time at war, and they completely abandon the war backstory in the film.

9:49- Some guy I recognize but cannot put a name to is talking about the academy selecting process. It’s interesting, sort of. But unworthy of recapping or mocking. So we’ll just grab some sustenance, which is becoming all the more imperative.

9:53- A half Asian woman is presenting the third performance for best song, also from Enchanted, it is dfamn fucking weird and we refuse to believe this was one of the five best songs from a movie this year. To top it off, the lead singer bares a striking resemblance to Amy Poehler, so it’s all the more difficult to take seriously.

We’re going to set up a different post for the second half, just go to the home page and it will be up top.

We hate the phrasing of this post’s title, but the Oscars are the lone annual event that allows us to write about movies on a television blog, so we’ll be “live blogging” them tonight. Comments will appear roughly every commercial break. And no, we’re not blogging any red carpet nonsense. It’s bad enough we’re actually available to do this, it would usher us into a whole new stratosphere of monotony to blather on about how pregnant actresses look in evening gowns. Besides, that already consumes enough of our free time.

So join us tonight, as we disparage anything and everything under the sun for virtually no reason at all.

Episode seven, the last one released to critics before the fifth season premiere, and it is understandable why it opened up to what was essentially rave reviews, because they sent the critics out to their laptops on a high note. Everything really begins to come to a head here and storylines begin intersecting for what I imagine will be a bloody conclusion. Because the path most of these characters are traveling down after last episode, it’s safe to assume things aren’t going to end well for most of these people.

In case you haven’t heard, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned it at least twice on this site, Dominic West directed this episode and McNulty’s presence is abundant. Even if it is inevitable given how centered the serial killer plot is, it might seem self-indulgent. That isn’t to say we found his directorial debut to be a disappointment, in fact we thought it was stellar, almost theatrical (particularly the final scene.)

But anyways, to the matter at hand, and that is the ongoing development and hysteria McNulty and Freamon’s citywide prank is causing, perfectly encompassed in the cold open with Sydnor looking around in astonishment at what his contribution is worth. The BPD hopped on that scene like it was an anti-war protest, and the registering of guilt on Sydnor’s face kind of typified the appropriate response any good samaritan would have.

We wonder if someone like McNulty could actually pull this off even he had any respect for anyone’s intelligence. Judging by his cocky demeanor at The Sun, we suspect that his over-confidence enables him to do shit like this as much as the alcohol does. Still, we loved his line to Templeton who’s now frightened that he might actually be in harm’s way of a fake serial killer, “Well, I don’t know, it’s working out nice for both of you, isn’t it?” Followed by Templeton’s flummoxed reaction.

We suppose McNulty’s self-loathing finally exposing itself when he becomes the boss is appropriate. Is there anything else that could make him regret this incredibly ill-advised decision. Especially when he’s being hounded like one. Half the reason people lack ambition is because they want to dodge excessive responsibility, when you go out of your way as middle management to pull a fast one on the entire city, your employers can no longer afford you that luxury.

Never the less, and the reason we still want to see McNulty at least stay out of prison, is his intentions have a level of nobility to them. Case in point is the way he’s dolling out money for actual case work, even if its at the expense of every resource he’s not immediately influencing. If nothing else, at least homicide is finally getting paid, and Jay’s elation at McNulty’s ability to “turn the faucet on” speaks for everyone.

The clock messaging seems like an homage to the late Prop Joe, and somewhat easy to break once they have people to tail Marlo’s crew. Not exactly fool proof even though I wouldn’t know where to begin to solve this puzzle. But, in defense of the Greeks or whatever, they probably weren’t counting on two Bawlmer detectives to hatch a fake serial killer ploy to get the resources to crack the code.

As for McNulty’s reporter counterpart, Templeton’s stuttering and stammering seems like a bit too much of a tell. Seriously, its like John Malcovich in Rounders. And the only two people who are completely unsuspicious (willfully or ignorantly) of it are the papers managing editors, which just seems far fetched. I know they’re probably more preoccupied with the bottom line than anyone else at the paper (they are paid to be), but for someone to so unapologetically fabricate and embellish story after story, we’d like to have a little more faith that the day-to-day in your average newsroom operates a little more credibly.

Bunk is still continuing the noblest of pursuits, unloading on Landsman like someone should have four seasons ago. What are they going to do? Fire the only detective who regularly turns red to black? Me thinks not. We thought his interrogation of Michael was something of a letdown, but if you’re Michael you really can’t end that any quicker. It speaks to Michael’s stoicism that Bunk seemed to grasp immediately that he wasn’t going to say anything. What’s a happy ending for Michael and Dukie at this point? For Michael to usher in a new crime syndicate by taking out his employers and making Dukie his money manager, much the way people have speculated about the two of them being Stringer and Avon incarnate? It seems like the best outlet for them.

So it goes…

The Clay Davis trial was searingly predictable, though well executed. Again, someone skates through the system on a colorful lie at the expense of someone else’s ambition (Bond’s). At least in hindsight Bond realized how misplaced his priorities were. Or how poorly he failed. One or the other. Clay’s “No good deed goes unpunished” was a classless if transparent bit, something we’ve grown to fully expect from him. At least Zorsi was grinning through his teeth, because really, how could you not? While it was great showmanship and platinum caliber manipulation on Clay’s part, do people still actually believe that nonsense? That above anything was depressing.

On the street end of operations, Omar is still on the warpath. First taking a stash, then brutally taking out Savino (tough life that guy had, even for a hitter), then scaring the ever living shit out of Michael, who was more than reminded of the less enviable days with his stepfather by the way Omar was standing behind him. Nice subtle acting by Tristan Wilds to show the depth of his distrust of adult men.

Omar managed to break yet another code with the way he dispatched Savino. If nothing else he gave the guy a chance to explain himself, but when he asked hypothetically what he would have done if he was appointed to torture and murder Butchie, the best option for Savino was probably to remain silent, because any answer he could have given would have seemed insincere. Unless he came out and said, “Yeah, I would have murdered that fuck too”, and that probably would have warranted the same result.

Other notes:

-The intersecting lectures from Gus and Daniels reminded us, actually, its identical to Mello’s lecture to the Western and the teachers lecture before class started in season four. A key scene in the series to demonstrate how all these institutions resort to the same ineffective tactics.

-Dukie and Michael reading the classifieds and showing their poor comprehension was disturbing given how bright they actually are, But at least it ended in Dukie pretending to strip with Michael encouraging him.

-Kima made an impression in this episode. First with her interviewing of the alleged victims parents/guardians/whatever. Then she struggles with the always misaligned Ikea furniture, then is given the oddly theatric closing scene, lifted almost directly from Clockers (obviously with some improvisation). Someone’s developing a conscious outside of her job, something her mentor was never able to accomplish.

-Bubs and Fletch is the closest thing this series has had to Larry and Balki.

-Carcetti is so unbearably despicable now, worse than Royce, really, or at least just as bad.

-Apparently Richard Belzer played some character named Munch on Homicide (Still have not seen), and he did own a bar. At some point after this series is over and done with, we’ll watch those DVD’s.

-McNulty’s prank call was hysterical, if for nothing else it poked fun at Dominic West’s British accent that always seems to seep through at the most critical junctures.

-Hey, Phelan got another appearance, must be nice to be on Calvert Street, we doubt Nick Sobotka will be afforded a second reappearance.

A fantastic episode in all, and we’re surprised they put it in the hands of Dominic West. Seems like the second or third episode would have been more feasible, but he came through and knocked the motherfucker out of the park. With everything rapidly approaching a cataclysmic train wreck, we’re growing weary for life after The Wire.

We’re really looking at an entertaining episode this season. Two episodes in we have two entertaining (if non-commendable) episodes in a row. Here’s last week’s recap, let’s just jump right into this week’s.

We return with the favs walking back from TC, Ozzy snagged a fish on his way back with his bare hands. Seems like an even swap. Penner seems to be the only one that’s disappointed on a personal level, since he wanted to try and take him to final two (seems a little early to be making such grand plans, something tells me Penner doesn’t believe in the one day at a time approach to sports management) but on a team level he’s indifferent.

Over at the fans, who apparently haven’t been swept away in a hurricane, are trying to revamp their shelter. Alexis attempts to starts a fire with the flint and everyone sort of gathers around. Apparently none of these people have personalities because this all too close to Space Odyssey. For some reason, the fire isn’t coming so naturally now and it’s causing some strife. Kathleen is bitching about not having a place to sleep, the behemoth calls her out on her lack of productivity. Tracy, Chet and Kathleen are being maligned by the younger seven members. Its a standard two riffs in this game, somehow both working their way into this tribe before a single tribal council.

Ozzy is dicing up some sort of aquatic life and camera interviews how hot Amanda is but attempting to avoid a target on his back. Parvati and James aren’t nearly as concerned with discretion.

Man, James has really let himself go.

The older alliance at the fans has built there own little mini shelter, and the younger crowd asks Tracy for assistance with their new tribe. After the manner in which they vilified the older tribe members, this fairly embarrassing for the younger alliance even if they do not realize it. They put up close captioning for a “please, please, please, please” while trying to start a fire, I guess it was too illustrate their desperation but It was completely audible. You see Survivor? This is why Amazing Race always takes home the Emmy, because of weird shit like that. Now that everyone is eating, they’re all in good spirits.

Mary and Mikey are hitting it off, and he wants to simply use her to his advantage in the game. Muscle man Joel is observant enough to recognize it as a threat and suggests the three older tribe mates will still be the first to go, which means it will probably be him.

Aaannnnd Ozzy is already making out with Amanda, Cirie is amused. James is really putting forth his best hand to get a piece from Parvati. Penner wonders about the practicality of two couples hooking up in a cave with five other people that you’re trying to systemically eliminate from a game. Cirie gives a vote of confidence to the Penner-Yau-Eliza-Ami tribe. She’ll play her best hand though because she’s not an idiot.

At another Immunity and reward challenge, because we want to give returning members even more camera time, they’re collecting keys that they bat into the water after running across several lily pads and swimming to a platform which they leap off. The keys unlock — but what else? — Pieces to a puzzle, which forms a map of Micronesia. The reward is fishing gear and sending someone to Exile, plus a cliffhanger for a twist at the end of the challenge.

Ozzy and Jason kick off the challenge, Ozzy smokes him b/c Jason (the flying tomato kid who beat him to the island last week) was probably nervous and Ozzy is like the Michael Jordan of contrived obstacle courses. I imagine Ozzy was the most popular kid in his elementary school. Don’t worry, no shame in finishing second to Ozzy in one of these things.

In short, Alexis loses ground to Ami, Chet gains a little on Amanda until he loses track of the key and is completely incapable of finding it. Parvati gets the fourth key which leads Penner out. Mikey heads out for the fans and snags his on the surface of the water while Penner slowly but surely finds his. Eric ran the last leg and gets it rather promptly. Favorites get their puzzle open and solved before the fans even return with their key. The favs send Kathy to exile, then the aforementioned twist is favorites have to send one of their own, they go with Cirie because she is the least solidified with an alliance. And also because Cirie sort of volunteers herself, because the built in advantages are obvious.

At exile, Kathleen dawns her relief that Cirie was sent to Exile with her. Ironically, Cirie was on Exile Island. They decipher that the y need to go to the original island and find another clue, then to another island, then back to the first island that they were sent to from Exile Island. I guess they’re not taking the exile part entirely too seriously. The fourth clue sends them back to another island, and this whole thing is almost like a parlor game. They kept insisting they were close but how the fuck would they really know?

Back at the fans camp, Erik the ice cream scooper is petrified of going to TC. Mikey wants to split up the votes in the small chance that Kathy found the idol. His plan is pretty simple: the woman vote for Tracy, the guys for Chet, and the three older members will vote for whoever they vote for, but Chet should still go home because those four vote rules the day, and the three votes for the second person will at least ensure a tiebreaker for the member from the elder alliance play an idol. Joel plans on mixing things up because his brain hurts from Mikey’s “complexity”, which I guess means he’ll align with the older alliance? Not really sure what one person can do amongst ten that is all that beneficial to himself or the tribe in this situation.

Joel, Jason and everyone else want Mary home because she is Mikey’s closest ally. Not a terrible idea if they feel like Mikey is trying to make a power play. It keeps him in check and they still retain whatever challenge prowess he may have. There is no evidence he’s any more valuable in that regard than Mary, but who am I to judge? Kathy gets back and like everyone whose ever met her, loved Cirie. Joel immediately tells Kathy not to ask any questions, and just vote for Mary. It seems like he’s telling one too many people, but we cut to TC with that being the final plan laid. Mary also said she felt safe, which is never a good omen.

At TC, Probst makes it abundantly clear how annoying it is for everyone that Kathy stumbled into the senseless one time immunity idol. Mikey exalts his annoyance with Chet and he takes his inability to swim way too personally. Amazingly, two shelters have been built and they’re acting like there is a sense of unity amongst these seven. Jason warns Chet to be extremely nervous. Joel is a little too blunt for my taste, and the producers play some odd sound effect when he wraps up his tirade. They go to the vote, Mikey really diminishes Chet for one poor performance at a stupid fucking challenge. Alexis says, “I just went with the majority, I’m sorry”; but her vote is left unseen:
Chet
Chet
Tracy
Mary
Mary
Tracy
Mary
Mary
Mary
Oh! That has got to hurt. Joel cannot help but laugh which is pretty sinister considering how he just did a complete stranger. Have to love Probst’s summary of what transpired: “First tribal council, first blindside”. He might as well just urinate on her.

Anyway, so long Mary, we hardly knew ye, and very well might have been the best eye candy this show has seen since Michelle in Fiji. Honestly, I almost sympathize more for Mikey and the male viewers than for you.

Tonight: Cirie plays the hell out of that swing vote role, Joel plows over Yau Man and wraps up either Parvati or Amanda in a physical challenge while explaining to us, “If you come into my house, I will kill you”. I would say something disparaging and sarcastic about the lug, but I imagine he would be reading this in his house and I don’t want him to feel threatened. Plus, for whatever reason, my real name is on this page.

In her parting words, Mary is gracious in admitting she was totally shell shocked by her ouster, and is still rooting for her teammates. Now that, my friends, is an exit speech I am incapable of mocking.

Wire recap tomorrow.

We still have a myriad of viewing options but none of them all that desirable, which seems more depressing than if there was literally nothing on at all. At least if every network blacked out, then there would be an excuse for why we have nothing to watch other than everything on television is D-rate garbage. As if to illustrate our point, here’s a short preview of what’s on tap for your network viewing on this, the night of February 20, 2008.

Side note: Little has changed since the last Wednesday we did this, our apologies.

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
With the way contestants on this show let their idiot friends and family members influence their poor decisions, I think these are simply Moment of Truth contestants waiting to happen.

9-11pm: Law and Order
It’s two different franchises for the two episodes, but other than the faces you’re staring at, does it really matter which is which?

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
True story: In this episode, one of the kids sets her parents house on fire and is sentenced to prison until she is twenty-one. Her mother, who wasn’t present at the time of the incident, goes after her now estranged husband and the swapped wife with a machete during the meeting stage of the show…only to be mowed down in a hail of bullets by one of the producers, who finds he has to do this all too frequently and voluntarily pulls his reality series off the air, and subsequently leads an altruistic existence from that point on. Pondering his life’s decisions to force feed the American public something so contrived and exploitive.

9pm: Supernanny
Similar story to Wife Swap, except with a nanny instead of a surrogate reality mom.

10pm: Cashmere Mafia
I know these series’ are mindless entertainment, but Christ do they piss me off. Sex and The City managed to make women who already thrived on shallowness and materialism even more shallow and materialistic. And now it’s being replicated. I mean, just look at that fucking title. At least these series’ middling ratings indicate premature cancellations (that’s the closest thing to a Tobias Fumke-ism I think I’ve ever written), meaning neither this nor “Lipstick Jungle” were in the top twenty last week.

FOX

8-10pm: American Idol
Clearly this whole fad is going to blow over soon.

CBS

8pm: Big Brother 9
I know what this show is. Like, a gaggle of random people live in a house together while cameras catch watch their every move or whatever, but what’s the objective for the people on it? Are they competing for something? The only snippet I’ve seen was from the Extras finale, and they had to randomly participate in degrading acts like pass a large plastic dinosaur egg from one person to the next using only their legs. Or something. Either way it looks like utter tripe and we’re not watching it, just mildly curious.

Ahh yes, the insincere hug. A staple of trash reality television.

9pm: Criminal Minds
It’s a good thing CBS picked up Dexter reruns. Obviously they’re not hosting enough formulaic police procedurals.

10pm: CSI: NY
If I was forced to choose between this and its lead-in, since either choice is on a purely superficial level I’m probably going with CSI, strictly because they seem to have a more attractive female cast. It’s a shame I can’t think of another reason to tune in, see what all the fuss is about; because a couple pretty faces isn’t getting it done.

Besides, even if there were a valid motive we’d still avoid it like the plague. If you want to watch something decent on television tonight, Jon Stewart is on Larry King tonight from 9-10pm est. with a rerun at midnight; and Shaq makes his debut with the Suns against — and I can’t think of a more fitting return — the Lakers.

A great night of television, just nothing scripted is all.

We’re plum out of material this morning. So when in doubt, always attempt to conjure up some wild speculation and make a bigger deal out of it than it really is. So that’s what we’ll do today, because as far as actual television to dissect and discuss we’re still suffering from what the networks have to provide. A friend of mine asked me what I’m going to do once The Wire finishes its series three weeks from now (rumor is the finale won’t be on demand).

And that is a good question, I’m either going to turn this into a sports blog or put a bullet in my head. Tough to say, probably whichever is most convenient at the time. In other words, which is in my nearest vicinity: a computer or a gun. I don’t own any guns, and anyone who we would watch the finale with doesn’t either, so this whole thing resolves itself. And see, who said violence on television is desensitizing? Given, my friends and I might be ill-prepared for any sort of revolution, but we live in Columbus, Ohio; so the cause for concern is slim to none. The only time a firearm is useful in Columbus is when OSU beats Michigan or a non-conference opponent early in the season, then you can prevent a clan of rowdy frat boys from going all Rosewood on your house.

Anyway, when we heard there is potential for a Wire movie, or at least it was mentioned in this interview with Dominic West, we decided things might not be so grim after all. What with the rampant speculation of an Arrested Development movie, we might have to bail on television sooner rather than later if film is the only outlet for material of this caliber. Given, David Simon said he went into the Wire with a five season plan, but he also went into it with the notion that Omar would die in the first season, and he started the fifth season with the impression he’d have a full twelve episodes.

Point being, plans often change, and I could see a Wire movie working perfectly fine. They’d just have to condense their usual length to a 150 minute max (actually your average Wire fan could probably sit through a five hour saga if given the same stylization), which would entail fewer plot lines, but if that gives us an illustration of McNulty and Bunk when they first started working in homicide together, then the last place you’ll here any complaints from is this website. People are quick to suggest that adapting successful films or television shows into one or the other always kills the efficacy of what was accomplished. Sports media and fans are apt to saying this as well about athletes who come out of retirement.

Yeah, like a shitty movie would tarnish this image.

We call bullocks. The notion that Michael Jordan’s legacy is tarnished because he teetered along for two sub-par seasons in his early forties with the Wizards in which they failed to make the playoffs is absurd. It wasn’t exactly glamorous, but has anyone forgotten about all the playoff games from the two 3-peats? If anything, his playing stint in Washington has been swept under the rug and abandoned by the collective memory of NBA die hards.

If The Wire writers were unable make the leap from television to film and produced a clunker (which we’d find totally flummoxing), the same thing would happen. Anyone who would watch this movie and felt like it betrayed the series, wouldn’t forget the Bodie’s or Wallace’s or Sobotka’s or Freamon’s, but rather in three months time they’d forget about the $10 they spent to see a movie they’d otherwise wish didn’t exist. And while we know Simon is indifferent towards awards or any sort of critical recognition, I think I speak for all fans when I say that if the Emmy’s won’t recognize him, it would sure as shit be great if the Oscar’s did.

Switching gears, NBC is discussing a potential movie of their own. It appears that they figure if they can’t attract a regular audience for Friday Night Lights to warrant renewing the series, then they might as well give it a two hour finale, in what they’re calling a made for TV movie. While this is better than nothing and more than any of us could hope for, we do not like this label. Considering the bulk majority of the series revolves around high school students, that means in the span of two hours someone will die of cancer, a drunk driving accident and/or a heroin addiction.

But still, two hours of Friday Night Lights to tie up the bevy of loose ends is almost necessary for its preservation. No one wants to stake claim in a series about football that ends in the middle of a season, and word of mouth will cease and desist, leaving its legacy almost non-existent. So we say on with the two hours (if not a series extension), we’ll take all the after-school specialness that can afford us if it at least attempts a bit of finality.

The good news is that Peter Berg directed the theatrical release of FNL, so he at least brings as much experience as possible to such an endeavor. Jesus, it just dawned on us, a theatrical film, a television series, and a potential television movie…we wonder if H.G. Bissinger had suspicion that his acclaimed novel would blow up like this while he was writing it.

Well, we sort of lied at the end of last Friday’s post. But we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave, and at that moment in time, we felt like we were being honest. As it turned out though, work began to increase rapidly and we completely forgot about any sort of promise we may have made.

No worries, however, because from the looks of things, nothing much has happened in between Thursday and today to really warrant a full blown links post for both days. But, we’ll make do with the hand the television industry hath dealt us.

Sad news for anyone who’s a fan of loose morality and exploitation, Kid Nation is set to be taken off the air. And for once, we approve of a decision made by CBS and their entertainment department.

Jessica Simpson (see, I told you we had limited news options) is considering a return to reality television. Is she nuts? Reality television is no place for attractive, talentless, idiot, hack blonds who anger Dallas Cowboy fans beyond all reason. Well, actually, reality television is the place for all of that, but we already have a surplus on her demographic, so maybe she’ll be shunned? Eh, who the fuck am I kidding?

If she isn’t a reality star, then I don’t know who is.

Tim Goodman wants to know why the average television viewer isn’t as bitter and contemptuous as your average critic. While we can’t say for certain, we imagine the indifference is a result of poor quality. Christ, only two series’ we watch were even affected by the strike (The Office which returns in April, and FNL which might actually be a casualty of the lockout), and we write a freaking TV blog. Point being, while many people watch Heroes, they might not be overly devoted to it because it isn’t really all that good. And while they might enjoy tuning in for an hour every week, its absence doesn’t create and irreplaceable void or anything.

If you thought last night’s Wire episode had a different ebb and flow to it, then a possible explanation might be it was the directorial debut for Dominic West (McNutty). While we agree with this sentiment, we certainly aren’t opposed to it. For a season so wildly paced and eccentric compared to its earlier parts, we think a different directorial style is appropriate.

Finally, Office writers fell back into old habits by reconvening at a restaurant to discuss possible script ideas. The pressure is probably immense to return with something side-splittingly funny. Glad it’s not me.

This was weak, back with something exceptionally longer tomorrow.

Well, at least Omar severely broke his leg and is hobbling around the streets after going all Heroes on us, much to the chagrin of Marlo and Co. It’s probably a good thing they didn’t actually show the fall, and I wish Omar still had an ally left because I want an explanation as to what motivated him to leap off a five story balcony (other than a lack of options). Did this suffice the audience at large?

Probably not. When you have a series that runs four seasons on the foundation of a gritty depiction of crumbling American institutions and urban despair, then in its final season one of the more beloved characters plunges dozens of yards to what’s probably his death (albeit one of its more farcical characters, but never portrayed as super human) only to have him tape himself up in a utility closet, people are going to complain. David Simon has enabled us with these high expectations, so I guess he can only blame himself.

But we fear Omar might be in over his head this time. Marlo runs his operation like a military outfit, and I would never underestimate the determination of someone like Chris Partlow. His knife play while in hideout is indicative of military training, the same as when he cleared out that apartment building. We know he has a family, now we want more back story. We know that Omar excels at catching his victims off guard, but when have we ever seen Marlo, Chris or Snoop alone and vulnerable to one of his sneak attacks. He can roll up on someone with limited muscle, be it Fat Face Rick or Slim Charles or anyone else, he can also take out Marlo’s mules and cash collectors, but I can’t anticipate him getting the drop on any of those three.

Not that the rest of the drug community seems all that eager to do his bidding, but with a bounty like the one Marlo placed on Omar’s head in a city as poor as Baltimore, anyone could give him up. Maybe Marlo’s unveiling will be him dismantling the co-op and increasing the selling price on drugs. We’re hoping at least, because the rate this season is going, the street is much more likely to get to him than the police department, which is depressing in its own right. We’re still holding out for a Slim Charles rebellion.

Someone needs an breathing inside fucking source.

But should the cops take put him behind bars, Bunk would be getting much better odds than McNulty. His actual investigation of Bug’s dad seems to have promise now that Mike’s mom helped him connect the dots (given her drug habit and her kids who abandoned her (rightfully), I guess she doesn’t mind the snitch label anymore). He’s a nose hair away from having DNA on Chris, but yet more unintended consequences from McNulty’s scheme, everyone and every resource is being occupied by his nonsense.

Speaking of which, this is when McNulty begins to fall apart at the seams and become utterly despicable? Great. For awhile now we’re been apologists for the crime and punishment chap, while people found what he was doing was utterly reprehensible from the start (and obviously we’re not disagreeing, but we could understand the motivation better than most), we tended to let it slide because of his natural, simplistic understanding of good vs. evil and how relatable that often is, especially when his target is someone like Marlo, whom even if he had a middle class, salt of the earth type upbringing, we’re quite certain he’d still be a serial killer.

As immune as we generally are to the more depressing scenes in this series, the depiction of the mentally-ill homeless man had our jaw dropped for the entire ten or so minutes he was on screen. While it is darkly comedic in a lot of ways, and despite how sensationalistic it would have been, we didn’t put it past McNulty to murder Larry when we saw him on the street. What they did was bad enough, and we’re not entirely sure how McNulty can actually get away with this after showing his face at that D.C. shelter, and the case getting national attention, but we’ll see how it plays out. But we are officially at the point where even if they catch Marlo and excusing McNulty’s immorality, the ends do not justify the means.

Scott finally does some actual journalism, and wouldn’t you know it, he turned in something everyone could get on board with. We’re not certain he had an attack of conscious listening to that Iraq war vet tell his story, but it looked like something registered with him. Not that we’re expecting him to confess all his questionable decision making or anything, but it painted him as something more than a stock character. Someone for us to point the finger at and say, that’s the bad guy. Because before this transpired, if he is actually disgraced and terminated, he might as well pull a Scarface when exiting The Sun. At this point its just a matter of which lie will unravel the other: McNulty’s or Templeton’s. Since Jimmy is wise to Scott’s bullshit and not the other way around, we assume the latter.

The thing with the woman dying from food poisoning definitely reminded us of his character, and watching Gus play him so haphazardly was beautiful. The way constantly makes Scott believe he’s relating to him, calling the woman in question an, “ol’ biddy who probably doesn’t know what she’s talking about”, and in no way lets on that he is skeptical of him, really puts him in the echelon of great Wire protagonists, which includes Daniels, Sobotka, Bunk, Kima and…I suppose that’s about it. Several characters have had their transformations, but those are the only consistently virtuous personalities we’ve been introduced too.

One thing I love about this series and particularly this season, is how even the moments that send a chill up your spine are predicated on lies. Like say, for instance, Carcetti’s speech to the press about the homeless. As impassioned and determined as he sounded, it was A) Politically motivated, and B) ultimately pointless. And while it’s humorous, when you think back on it later in the episode while watching McNulty kidnap, abduct and use another human being for his elaborate hoax, it’s hard not to take Carcetti’s speech seriously.

Other notes:

-Not sure if it was nice to see Randy again. We probably just could have assumed what happened to him, but at least it didn’t appear like he was getting brutalized anymore, but rather enforcing the brutalization. God, what a depressingly necessary transition that kid was forced to make.

-Sobotka was another alum to make a reappearance, just as disgruntled as ever. Krawcheyk’s line, “That’s nobody Mr. Mayor, nobody at all” really summed up Carcetti’s and every other politicians disconnect from the cities they run.

-Phelan is just as stubborn and hesitant as ever, but is seemingly still the best the city has to offer in the way of overseeing the progress of major cases. It’s good to see McNulty is still as petulant as ever.

-Which reminds me, the department is fully aware of the leak that Prop Joe was supposedly the recipient of. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t all the information Prop Joe had made available to the public? Or was that just a cover to protect his source(s)? If the latter, it’s pretty depressing that a noted drug dealer has more journalistic integrity than actual journalists.

-Speaking of which, his “excuse me” when he was talking to that statue might be the comedic highlight of the season.

-McNulty is seeming downright homicidal at the moment. His temperamental, hostile tone with Lester is why we almost expected him to go all Patrick Bateman on Larry.

Things are really starting to piece together, and the fact we only have four episodes after this is almost unbelievable. How in the hell are they going to wrap up all these stories in a critically (not personally) satisfying manner? Virtually nothing has been resolved and very little of it has even gotten off the ground. Buckle up kids, its only going to get more heart-wrenching.

Might come back with some links before the day is up.

Let me just say that I actually enjoyed this episode. Maybe it’s because I was familiar with about seven of the contestants, or maybe since they had been their before, they were prematurely strategizing. Either way, relative to every other Survivor premieres, this one has me most anticipatory for the season.

Onto the recap…

We start with a Long, elaborate introduction, with Jeff narrating the circumstances in typically heavy-handed fashion. Several of the returning contestants quickly summarize their thoughts and/or approaches to the game. I’ve been watching this show since the tenth season, which is a long time. And I get the impression they’ve been doing almost identical introductions for sixteen seasons and counting now. We might be overdue for a new opening.

This seems like as good a time as any to tell everyone that this season takes place on some island called Micronesia. The location reminds me of Microcosmos, a fantastic documentary on insects, which I’d usually consider an oxymoron, but take my word for it, its fucking riveting.

Its a interesting contrast from the fans to the favorites, the former is absolutely ecstatic to be there, while the favorites look incredibly downtrodden, sans Jon and Ozzy, and have no motive for being there other than the monetary reward. For whatever reason, all the favorites get their own personal introduction. It’s not terribly surprising that Yau-Man gets the biggest reaction from all the fans, and Amanda probably gets the smallest. It seems worth noting that it is pouring rain and no one is even remotely flummoxed or even pouts about it.

Jeff sends them to some canoes to paddle to their new homes, but adds that there are also new idols on the island where the canoes are docked that they can play only at the first tribal council. Ozzy and the track star that looks like the flying tomato beat the rest of the pack and are unable to find them, and for whatever reason no one seems to recognize that its the misplaced item at the end of each canoe. Whatever. Fairplay is first to pick up on it, grabs the one from the wrong canoe, Yau-Man sees him, they seem to simultaneously recognize that he has the wrong idol, thus they race to the end of the other boat. Yau-Man snags it, Fairplay’s head smacks into the canoe, and he precedes to bitch about Yau tackling him. Which, it would be aggravating, but Yau would struggle to wrestle a kitty to the ground, much less another human being. Kathleen manages to pick up the fans idol when Yau points it out to her.

The fans (Airai tribe) arrives at their camp to several cheers. We discover Chet is gay, and their is much discourse with the Idol grabber Kathleen over whether or not everyone is comfortable with it. Tracy’s nipping out like a Pamela Anderson circa 1998 on a bad (or good) day, Kathleen draws everyone’s attention to this as well. Everyone immediately dislikes Kathleen for talking about the gays and pointing out said nipples. And it is unclear if she is so crazily abrasive because of the idol, or because she got the idol because she is so crazily abrasive. Only Yau can clear this up for us.

These people were on television last Thursday. Swear to God.

Back at the camp with the favorites, James is appreciative of the additional help, and with him and Ozzy leading the helm the rest of the camp doesn’t need to worry much at all. James is completely falling for Parvati’s overt flirtation. Amanda is hitting it off with Ozzy, between the two developing relationships, Eliza is really frantic, though seemingly not repulsed like the majority of us.

Naturally, the fans have a difficult time building the shelter, essentially they’re sitting under a bunch of plants and the old woman with the idol breaks down in tears. Out of nowhere, Eliza, Ami, Jonathan and Yau pull together an alliance on the favorites. Penner suggests bringing Fairplay into the mix, but it looks like Ozzy and Parvati get to her first for their supposed alliance of them two, James and Amanda. Jesus, that shit paired off quickly.

Fairplay goes to the other alliance and plays them like a fiddle, everyone seems aware of it but does it anyhow. Penner immediately wants to get rid of Parvati, so much for Cook Islands loyalty. Fairplay laughs about the gullibility of his tribes already developing alliances. They know what he’s up to but almost seem resigned to having to trust him. Production seems to be intentionally editing out Cirie in the hopes we’ll forget she exists and the suspense here will actually be warranted.

Malakal is the name of the favorites tribe, Yau attempts to burn coconut husk with his glasses and a drop of water, and it works. Naturally. Man, between him, James and Ozzy, what chance do the newcomers stand? They get some treemail and all the fans camera interview about how the favorites simply do not see them coming. Do people really see this as some sort of battle of wills? Isn’t it going to be a total coincidence who wins all these immunity challenges? Experience is only so important when you’re solving random puzzles and participating in contrived feats of strength.

At IC, and I can’t believe I’m watching this, but the favorites are actually smug. The challenge consists of assembling wheels out of some form of plastic, then placing them on a cart. The fans, predictably, get out to an enormous lead. The favs crash on an enormous tree root and Eliza comically yet dangerously flips off and over the front of the cart. The favorites actually manage to catch up at some digging course of the challenge where they are gathering planks. The fans assemble their bridge as the favs are assembling theirs. The fans then get their wheels off their cart and solve the final puzzle, get the roundabout going while the favorites are still assembling their final puzzle and start the fire first or whatever. It’s like Superbowl XLII all over again.

(We’re in commercials right now, but its good to see Tony Sirico parlaying that Paulie Walnuts role into something tangible, and avoiding all typecasting. Like a mobster ordering breakfast at Denny’s. But remember, he wanted to go to AC. Conflict of interests much…)

Malakal arrives back at camp depleted and discouraged. Penner chalks it up to the fans naive enthusiasm. They all have a giant group conversation in the water about it and someone asks Fairplay what he’s good for, he claims morale and entertainment. He starts weeping about his pending child and predictably no one is all that moved. Parvati’s career has been updated from boxer to “charity organizer”. Did she find some rich sucker’s money to donate? Parvati suggests Fairplay tells everyone he wants to be sent off but with the intention of staying, just to throw everyone off the scent. Ami is one of many who won’t buy this song and dance.

At TC, Fairplay suggests the only problem at the challenge was over confidence. Speaking of which…never mind. Eliza and Fairplay lament the reputations they’ve built, since there’s might be the most damaging. Fairplay talks endlessly about his unborn child, Penner is all the happier to vote him out regardless of whether he is lying or not. And that’s a good strategy. Coming into this I assumed they’d vote him out in spite of his intentions, the fact anyone was entertaining the idea of using him as leverage was somewhat baffling. Anyhow, Penner and Yau both vote for Fairplay with some sarcastic and sincere parting words. The votes read as such:
Fairplay
Fairplay
Fairplay
Fairplay
Fairplay
He grabs a hug from Jeff, Malakal is given a flint and so concludes the premiere of the franchise’s sixteenth season. Not terribly engaging, but more so than usual given the alumni involvement. Though we will say all of the fans are virtually unrecognizable still. Given the assortment of returning castaways, if the favorites continue to lose we assume they will receive the majority of the camera time.

In his parting words, Fairplay manages to sound gracious, if not remarkably conceited. We can’t say he’s wrong when he claims he had everyone eating out the palm of his hand. Just one move too many at TC, I guess. There is a really great parallel to my reaction to seeing Fairplay for the first time in the most recent On Demand Wire episode, but we’re not trying to spoil anyone.

Next week the fans begin to fall apart because they haven’t eaten anything in lord knows how long. Ozzy makes out with Amanda. She always did seem somewhat frisky, but the most likely suitors in China were either gay or a virgin, so it never came to fruition. Well, there was what’s his name (Adam?) but he got sent home early in that absurd tribal mix up. Anyhow, until next time…

Back tomorrow with a Wire recap.

Welcome to what I can recall as the coldest day of the year in my fair city. You know how in some places, snow is actually accompanied with a degree of festivity? Like Chicago? Or Denver? Yeah, well, Columbus isn’t like that. All the snow and frigidly cold weather does is keep car thief’s and campus hooligans indoors, but the rest of the city is exponentially more miserable than they were when we had clear streets. So, if we’re a bit more petulant today than usual, please take it with a grain of salt. Thanks.

With the weather being how it is, we stayed in last night and caught the last twenty minutes of our fallen Grid Effect regular, Nip Tuck. It appears the series has now delved into incest. And not “haha, George Michael wants to sleep with Maebe” incest. But rather Matt is sleeping with Christian’s long lost daughter, and though they first did it unknowingly (and Christian doesn’t seem wise to the fact this girl is supposedly his daughter), even with the knowledge that they’re related, they fully intend to do it again. It’s good to see the producers aren’t desperate or anything.

We thought this was novel and will be unintentionally hysterical: MTV is going to hold a Real World awards show. We didn’t read the article because it sounds so ridiculous, but we imagine awards will be donned out for, among other categories: “Sluttiest”, “Craziest”, “Most Volatile”, “Most Docile”, “Most times drunkenly collapsing in public”, “Most Camera Time”, “Most club appearances post-Real World stint” and “Most children out of wedlock”.
We wonder if they’ll actually be able to pull most of the old timers away from whatever it is they’re doing right now. I mean, they couldn’t even get Dominic and Aaron from season two for a reunion leading into the fourth (maybe fifth) season…This is leading into the 20th. Good lord, even Television Without Pity quit recapping their episodes about two years ago. But that’s what MTV likes about them high school girls, they get older while the girls stay the same age.

We’d venture to guess that the entire Vegas cast finds time to reunite. Again.

Denise Richards pitch for a reality series has officially been greenlit by who else? E!. If not E! then obviously VH1. This raises an interesting question though: Who do you consider to be the more vile human being, Mike Vick or Denise Richards? The former brutally tortured and murdered canines for his own sick amusement. The latter throws her preschool aged kids on national television to upstart her pathetic, middling, acting career. Hmmm, it’s probably still Vick (After all, Richards isn’t murdering her children, just subjecting them to a lifetime of ridicule and therapy), but we’ll be damned if it’s not only by a nose. We said it once and we’ll say it again, you have to be really fucked in the head to make Charlie Sheen look like the good guy in a custody battle.

We’ll send you people out on a high-note: a sort of “behind the scenes” look into the Colbert and Stewart-O’Brien mock feud. We haven’t gotten a chance to watch it with volume, but it looks damn funny. Were sure their was plenty of European ethnic and height jokes, but ever since The Office went into hiatus we can’t think of anything funnier we’ve seen on television (unless you include the dark humor on The Wire). Personally, we prefer what Colbert did in wake of the strike by just interviewing more people (virtually one interview for all three of his acts) since he excels at improvisation, whereas Stewart just seemed to increase his commercial length.

Anyhow, enjoy. We’ll be back tomorrow with a Survivor recap.