Grid Effect

Technical difficulties have afflicted Grid Effect, and while we are more inclined to neglect the site altogether and call it a wash, it’s unspeakably boring at work. So we’re more than happy to contribute to the mass of worthless information that comprises most of the internets. Here are some links, enjoy.

Mad Men’s official second season debut has been scheduled for Sunday, July 27th at 10pm est. Hopefully Pete Campbell hasn’t killed his bastard child by then. This, compounded with Generation Kill and Weeds (a coworker recently dropped HBO in favor of Showtime & Starz for the same price, I’m sensing an oncoming trend), should make July an unusually good TV month.

It looks like Jericho fans are just as insufferable as Friday Night Lights fans, except only for a far inferior television series. Still, best of luck to them and all their future endeavors, with any luck they’ll get Quantum Leap back on the air as well.

A preview of season four of Weeds. We haven’t seen the third season yet (starting tonight, actually), but we’ll just say that after the first two seasons, we’re kind of hoping either Nancy Botwin redeems herself in some way or else she experiences some comeuppance. A little too reckless/negligent for us to always want to see her succeed.

Tivo will have an option to record all the series’ recommended by the Chicago Tribune’s Maureen Ryan (see Mad Men link). We enjoy Miss Ryan’s prose, but why she was chosen over the thousands of TV critics in the country, we’ll never understand. Anyway, don’t be surprised if you select this option, only to see your Tivo overloaded with Friday Night Lights reruns.

MTV will have cameras follow rapper/wannabe actor TI around while he completes his court ordered 1,000 hours of community service. It’s like a Scared Straight for those with penchants of loitering and starting bar fights. TI was found guilty of much heavier charges, but he’s a celebrity. And it’s a widely known fact that celebrities are better than regular people, thus receive lighter sentences. If for whatever reason (we can’t think of one) this doesn’t sound like its for you, don’t worry; I’m sure MTV will manage to condense the 1,000 into about 180 minutes.

The Hills goes out of their way to illustrate their “personalities” as non-celebrities so as to make it still seem relatable, because they know that no other media exists in the entire world, and no one could figure this out for themselves. Said MTV programming head, Tony DiSanto: “It’s not a documentary about Lauren who is a star because she’s on a show called ‘The Hills.” He followed that up with, “I don’t give a shit what you fucking muts say, MTV has programming standards, and we will not lower our brow for any of you unless you can guarantee us higher ratings”.*

I just can’t place why this show is popular.

Terrence Winter is working on a new project with HBO, and reflects fondly on working with Sydney Pollack. If you don’t know who Terrence Winter is, then go look it up because we’ve mentioned his accolades enough on this website. We’ll just link to his IMDB page to make it easier…This guy loves the northeast, apparently.

Speaking of which, if you’re looking for an overpriced, (most likely) oversized suit, then look no further: James Gandolfini is auctioning off twenty-four of the suits he wore as Tony Soprano. A couple questions: First, he got to keep those fucking suits? All of Them? Did he ever wear the same suit twice? Or just one an episode? I’d be looking to hawk some of those as well. Second, does it come with his chronic wheezing? I don’t want the suit unless respiratory disease is promised.

I love that we live in a world where Ashton Kutcher is now in a position to hire Kelsey Grammar and not the other way around. We have no idea what for and we’re already disinterested.

Reynoldsburg, Ohio native “Bow Wow” has joined the cast of Entourage. One of the five characters (likely Turtle) will almost certainly call him “dog” in some lame attempt at a pun, and everyone in the scene will laugh…this show needs to end.

Drea De Matteo is getting the Michael Richards treatment after her asinine decision to leave The Sopranos in favor of a spinoff sitcom on NBC. We said at the time it was probably the smart move since she was going to be killed off regardless, but we’ve heard contradicting reports. If in fact she opted to leave before discovering she would be killed off instead of as a result of it, then this website has little sympathy for her. At the same time, the failures of Joey had little to do with Matteo’s acting, and what little success they did have you could attribute at least 40% to her looks. True story.

Finally,HBO is set to air Bad Girls, a women’s prison drama that’s going to ruin all of our lesbian fantasies. Or maybe enhance them, who knows? If there is anyone that dreams of men hooking up with each other at a fervent pace, Oz most likely fulfilled those. Unless you like to live through your sexual encounters, then probably not. Seriously though, it looks great!

Have a thoroughly rewarding weekend.

Here’s part four of our NBC executive tale, catch part three here.

Costas: China is looking to be an achievement in broadcasting, things are going squarely.

Ebersol: That’s great. Let me know if there’s anything I can assist you with.

Costas: Absolutely, Mr. Ebersol. Hopefully I won’t have to burden you with any of our petty concerns.

Ebersol: If you do, just feel free to ask. In the meantime, I figured before you are whisked away to the other side of the world, we might as well afford a “company outing” to Vegas.

Costas: Vegas?

Ebersol: Yeah, Vegas. We can get comped over at Bellagio, company perk for hosting the heads up tournament.

Costas: As you know Mr. Ebersol, I’m not much for the table games, but “Tony and Tina’s Wedding” is playing at the Rio Hotel and Casino…

Ebersol: Certainly, we can take the shuttle off the strip.

Costas: Superb!

Ebersol: You know who else I think would enjoy “Tony and Tina’s Wedding”?

Costas: Who would that be, Mr. Ebersol?

Ebersol: Mr. Silverman, the recently hired Entertainment president. Have you guys ever met?

Costas: Of course, sir. Mr. Silverman and I are wondrous friends. Would you like me to invite him along?

Ebersol: Yeah…but don’t tell him it’s at my behest. And make sure he understands that the trip is business related, I want to run a few things by him, see how they take. Besides, we need three employees for the company per diem.

Costas: Understood, Mr. Ebersol. Are you two going to be needing your own room?

Ebersol: Very funny, Bob.

Costas: Pardon my tom foolery, Mr. Ebersol. Sometimes I allow myself to get carried away.

Ebersol: You are a handful…Let Mr. Silverman know that the plane leaves on Friday afternoon. It’s a chartered flight, obviously.

Costas: Sure thing Mr. Ebersol. I’ll call him right away.

Ebersol: I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon then.

Costas: Good day, sir.

Bob Costas hangs up to immediately call Ben Silverman

Silverman: (slurring) This is Silverman.

Costas: Hello Ben, it’s your good friend Bob Costas.

Silverman: Bobbyyyyyy, how they hangin’, my good man. (Random girl proceeds to perform oral sex on him)

Costas: ehahaha, How’s what hanging, Mr. Silverman? I don’t understand.

Silverman: Your fuckin’ nuts, Bobby! Slightly to the left, slightly to the right, are they all chest out or feebly dangling from your upper torso?

Costas: Anatomically speaking sir, the testicles while encased by the scrotum, generally maintain the same disposition, that fluctuates with bodily movement, arousal and a multitude of potential pre-existent or current medical conditions.

Silverman: Fair enough, Bob. What’s on your mind? (Does line of coke)

Costas: NBC has given me carte blanche to charter a jet to Las Vegas for the weekend, before I’m shipped off to China for the Olympic games.

Silverman: Vegas…just you and I?

Costas: And Mr. Ebersol, we have plans to see “Tony and Tina’s Wedding” among oth-

Silverman: Gee, Bob, I don’t know if I can squeeze it in.

Costas: We’d really enjoy your company, Mr. Silverman. And since we’re being comped, we won’t nee-

Silverman: I’m in.

Costas: Fantastic, our flight leaves tomorrow afternoon, punctuality is of the essence.

Silverman: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll see you then Bob. (Hangs up phone, buries head in stripper’s chest)

Costas: This is great news Mr. Silverman. I’ll see you..

Hears dial tone

Costas: Oh….Must have been a bad connection!

Part five on Monday, this has already gone on too long, we’ll finish early next week.

Here’s part three of our NBC executive series of an undetermined length. We’re kind of making this up as we write it, it’s like Lost in that regard. Except we’re not leaving the door open for any possible time travel.

Rich Cotton: Come on in, Dick. I have some good news for you.

Dick Ebersol: Are we getting the NBA back?

Cotton: Not only that, but we’re throwing out our hockey contract, and looking to expand NFL beyond the one Sunday night game.

Ebersol: (elated) Are you serious? Well, that’s great news!

Marc Graboff: That’s right, we’re finally going to get you out of the poker room.

Ebersol: Holy shit! You know, this couldn’t have come a moment too soon. If we’re being honest with each other…I had been rather depressed lately, and just when I thought nothing was going to swing my way, you guys announce that we’re finally going to get some actual leagues under contract.

(Everyone except for Zucker and Ebersol bursts into laughter after a short pause)

Ebersol: What’s so funny?

Cotton: (Attempts to contain laughter) I-, I-, I’m sorry, Dick. But we’re just yanking your chain. No, no, it’s back to the race track with you.

Ebersol: (Defeated) Oh….Well, is there anything you actually need, sir?

Cotton: Actually, yes. How well do you know Be-. Well, maybe I should let Mr. Zucker explain.

(Rich Cotton motions over to Jeff Zucker, who’s noticeably distracted and uneasy)

Michael Bass: (Breaking awkward silence) How familiar are you with Ben Silverman?

Ebersol: The Entertainment Chief? Uh, vaguely. We talked for a bit at the Heroes rap party. He seemed amiable enough. Why?

Cotton: We need you to…assist us with something.

Ebersol: Well, what exactly do you need assistance with? And how is Ben Silverman involved? And where is he if it’s so important?

Michael Bass: We just need you to hang out with him. Socially. On his terms. And let us know what happens.

Ebersol: (long dramatic pause) What is this?…You want to get rid of him…And you want me to be an accomplice? Well fuck that, Rich! I’m no fucking snitch.

Jeff Zucker: We have reason to believe that he has quite the affinity for…working girls.

Ebersol: You mean…

Cotton: Yes, that’s exactly what we mean. You have daughters, right, Dick. How would you feel, if one of your daughters was in these girls’ position and Mr. Silverman was taking advantage of it?

Ebersol: (Sternly) I’d be upset. To say the least.

Graboff: So, do something about it? You have a chance to improve this network from the inside out.

Ebersol (contemplating): Alright, its not like I have anything else to do.

Cotton: That’s the spirit.

Ebersol: This is all great in theory. But how do I actually put it into practice? I mean, Ben and I are barely on speaking terms. How do I approach him for anything unrelated to work?

Cotton: Well, it isn’t like the two of you hate each other. And it isn’t like you couldn’t pretend it’s related to work. First invite Costas out to Bellagio. Tell him they are comping you, and if they won’t then we’ll stake and anyone else who tags along. All expenses paid. Then you insist that Costas invite Silverman, as those two seem to get along decently. Tell Bob it’s work related and you have some marketing ideas you want to run by the two of them.

Ebersol: That might actually work…

Cotton: You take this recorder, and capture everything you can. Preferably anything that would be construed as incriminating.

Ebersol: Jesus. You’re a cold motherfucker.

Cotton: This is the job.

Ebersol: Of course.

Michael Bass: Do not, and I repeat, Do Not! Let Ben see this camera. It’s virtually microscopic, so the only way he should find it is if he starts tearing off your clothes.

Ebersol: I got it, I got it. But we have to let this happen naturally. I don’t want to put it into effect tonight, we might wait until the weekend.

Graboff: That’s actually a good idea. He walked out of here a little perturbed, Mr. Cotton. If he suddenly gets a call from Bob Costas inviting him out to Vegas to gamble, he might be a tad suspicious.

Cotton: Now you’re thinking, Ebersol. You’re right, we want to catch him with his guard down.

(Cotton notices Zucker, still feeling conflicted)

Cotton: Look, this is all progressing nicely. But I think we pretty much have everything figured out. Could you, uh, give us the room here, Dick.

Ebersol: Not a problem.

(Ebersol begins to leave)

Michael Bass: Oh, and Dick?

Ebersol: (Turns around) Yeah?

Michael Bass: Lets keep this amongst ourselves. No spousal interference, alright?

Ebersol: Sure, Michael. Whatever you say.

Cotton: What’s the problem, boss? Still feeling torn.

Zucker: No, not torn. But definitely amoral. Wasn’t Ben supposed to be a prodigy? And now were trying using entrapment to show him his walking papers.

Michael Bass: Jeff, it’s really for the best. We need new blood in here, preferably someone who will take the job seriously.

Lynn Calpeter: Yeah, I’m inclined to agree, Mr Zucker. Our budget is like a sinking black hole right now. If this keeps up for another year or so, we could end up in the negative. I mean, some of the costs of these shows: FNL, Heroes, Chuck…and now Alec Baldwin wants his contract renewed? That hard-headed prick isn’t going to come cheap, I can guarantee you that.

Graboff: Besides, it was your idea in the first place…

Zucker: Look, I’m not canceling anything. I’m just saying, with the nature of this business, it sometimes takes its toll on you. We’ve been struggling in the ratings department before Ben was here. I guess, I guess I just thought things would turn out differently, that’s all.

CUT TO THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY MORNING

Ebersol: (On the phone) Hey, Bob! How are things looking for us in China…

Part four tomorrow.

I know we said that we would bring part three of our NBC executive drama today, but of course we forgot HBO aired their original movie Recount about the debacle that was the 2000 presidential election in Florida. So we’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

In the fall of 2000 we were just starting our freshman year of college, and while we were aware of the ongoing struggle to officially determine the next president, we were preoccupied with everything that college entails other than academics. So when we say we found it insightful, if hastily thrown together and poorly executed, then you’ll understand why our opinion of it is still non-committal.

The movie revolves around essentially everyone that was integral to the process other than the two candidates. Bush and Gore are played by two mostly unseen actors with horrible approximations of their voices. We occasionally might see the side of their faces, but for the most part it’s similar to Steinbrenner on Seinfeld. We have no idea why the dialogue for those two was so generic and insipid. It makes them both look like dependent children compared to all the characters dominating the screen, that need to be hand held and guided through the process.

Presidential candidates non-portrayal aside, the acting is pretty solid. Between Spacey, Dern, Leary, Wilkinson, Balaban (who has a contractual obligation to appear in every HBO original movie, we presume) and Bruce McGill, that isn’t the problem we have with it. The shortcomings of Recount all have to do with pacing.

It probably would have worked better as a miniseries rather than an original movie. And probably would have benefited from a director not responsible for Meet The Parents, because it jumps around so frenetically and unabashedly that even settling in to actually appreciate the story they’re trying to tell requires more effort than should be necessary. Two hours isn’t a lot of allotted time to tell something so nuanced and historically, especially when a considerable chunk of time is devoted simply to character introductions. If we had to apply a tag line to a movie poster, it would be like a music video without the attractive women or music.

Our central character is Ron Klain, a recently demoted Al Gore political adviser, who begins the movie with a chip on his shoulder and is seemingly unconcerned with the outcome for his boss. It isn’t until after election day, when Michael Whouley (Leary) explains to Klain how the process of paper ballots and there inefficiency can potentially skew the outcome of an election. And motivates Klain to use this inadequacy in the US electoral process for his professional advantage.

This scene, that literally takes place in an alley behind an office building, is the highlight of the film. We are treated to a brilliant speech from Leary, whose showing his performance on Rescue Me isn’t a fluke; and a brilliant visual illustration of how paper ballots are tabulated, and the folly of the hanging chad, which is simply too stupid to fully process and take seriously. We also get a great exchange about the plural of chad (it’s chad).

This caused a national crisis.

Recount reminded us of The Wire in a lot of ways, because much of the delay in the recount process came from human error and indifference. Everyone’s just trying to get through the day to get home for dinner. The passionate few struggle to be heard while the collective carefree majority ignore their pleas. In hindsight, what was amazing is not that the recount extended for so long, but that the voices of those calling for it actually had enough influence to make it impossible for everyone to just ignore the problem. That isn’t to say ego wasn’t driving any of this. At one point, Klain even says, “I’m not even sure I like Al Gore”. With politics, as with it seems everything, nothing gets done until it effects someone who matters personally.

The political tone of the film it is definitely more sympathetic to the left. And even if all the people involved weren’t Hollywood democrats, the movie would kind of have to be in order to be taken seriously. I mean, Gore lost. They couldn’t make a movie confirming what we’ve been living with for the past eight years. There wouldn’t be any conflict and thus, no point to the movie. But when the democrats complained of an unfair negative portrayal, they weren’t necessarily being overly sensitive. In other words, Recount isn’t as biased as one might assume it to be.

Basically, I’m going to recommend the film for anyone under the age of twenty-six who was as apolitical as your average teenager in 2000, or for anyone who wasn’t following the conflict in 2000. Of course, those are probably the same people that will avoid this like the plague. But if you were politically conscious at the time and are fully aware of what a hanging chad and a dimpled voting ballot are, this probably isn’t worth your time. If you’re a democrat it’s simply going to conjure up bad memories, and if you’re a republican, it will do nothing more than put you on the defensive.

So, in short if you’re under the age of twenty-six, only recently became concerned politically or are an independent, then by all means, catch one of the 50,000 replays on HBO over the course of the next week. Otherwise, stick to FOX News or NPR or whatever echoes your worldview. Because if you’re looking at this for some sort of ideological validation, then you’re probably looking in the wrong place.

We’ll have parts three and four in the adventures of NBC executives coming next week, we’re still transcribing a lot of what we heard, and that is no easy task. To get us to next week we’re resorting back to our old ways, and getting you caught up on all the random industry news that no one is particularly interested in. Enjoy.

Some guy won American Idol a couple nights ago. We have no idea what his name is, but it really doesn’t matter. The operative word is “guy”, meaning he’ll be participating in c-list celebrity charity events and on E! reality television shows within the calendar year. Still, 32 million people watched that shit, and that almost seems like an understatement. We were in a Chinese restaurant for our nieces birthday on Wednesday night. Everyone from the bartenders to the waiters to my nieces to my siblings to my cousins were invested in this show. You would have thought a UFO had touched down the way everyone was huddling around the fucking television.

HBO has hired Frank Rich, A NY Times op-ed columnist as a consultant. Seems like a peculiar decision, given the mainstream indifference towards everything involving the NY Times. Maybe they hired him for his opinion, only to do the exact opposite of everything he suggests. Nothing against Frank Rich or the NY Times, but numbers are numbers and they do not play favorably with anything out of their op-ed section. It isn’t like HBO, who play host to Real Time With Bill Maher, hasn’t made their political leanings perfectly clear in the past.

The psuedo-feminist gawker blog Jezebel is watching every episode of Sex and The City in anticipation of the TV show’s theatrical debut. From the way she makes it sound, it’s like the TV equivalent of first time you go back out into public after being in a strip club, in which you expect every conversation with a woman to conclude with the offering of a lap dance. But instead of mistaking innocent exchanges for simulated sex-for-money propositions, you find yourself using tacky puns in everyday conversation and assuming that everyone is speaking in innuendo. In other words, never go to strip clubs, and if you must watch Sex and The City, never do so at a frequency of more than two or three episodes at a time. It’s bad for your real world sensibilities.

Simpsons voice actors (is this the proper terminology?) are now taking home $500,000 an episode. This would have made sense in the mid-90’s when the series was arguably (most likely) the best thing on television, now that it’s sinking like a fucking rock, actually, its been at the bottom of the ocean for about four or five years now, they’re getting a cool half a mil for their efforts? When did the television industry become like NBA contracts?

I usually find myself in a similar predicament at least two or three times a week.

Rescue Me, one of the bigger casualties of the writers strike that still managed to stay on air, is airing ten “minisodes” in lieu of an actual season in 2008. This is a nice gesture, and if you have a Tivo or DVR everything set to record Rescue Me episodes will pick these up, but I still do not have either device so am shit out of luck when it comes to actually catching these things. My life may be rather empty, but not so much that I can make time for something as mundane as a five minute episode of television. Why they don’t put these things up on a youtube channel or something is beyond me. Anyhow, their next season is twenty-two episodes, meaning it’s actually just two seasons without a hiatus.

Survivor is hoping to appeal to a younger audience by–and I kid you not– lowering their age requirements to be on the show from 21 to 18. Umm, this is the same show that had Parvati, Amanda, Jason and Erik on it, right? Something tells me the fountain of maturity wasn’t the culprit for keeping their ratings down. It probably has more to do with after sixteen seasons, everything starts to lose its appeal. But hey, by all means, lower the age limit. They should pull kids out of a TRL crowd if they think that will help their cause.

On the other hand, Survivor’s debut in Israel, much like it was here, has been something of a pop-culture phenomenon. I have no idea what it’s like in Israel for the average joe, but many of the citizens have to consider the name of the reality series in somewhat poor taste. They did an entire Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about this.

And finally in ratings news, FOX finished the season at #1, proving once again that just because you are successful, doesn’t mean you won’t piss us off greatly. And Desperate Housewives is rated the highest scripted series on television by beating out CSI. Proving that ever since The Sopranos went off the air, if you want to engage in any water-cooler discussion at work, then this site is really counterproductive for you.

Back with part three of our epic saga of the NBC executives later today or next Monday.

This is the part two of the explosive NBC executive meeting. You can find part one here..

Rich Cotton: Well, that all depends on what you want to see happen.

Jeff Zucker: I think we’re all in agreement, we want him out of this office, and we want to look righteous in doing so. But nothing too complicated or strung out, just a quick, clean break and we can go our separate ways.

Cotton: Fair enough, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

Marc Chini: As your HR representative I must strongly advise against this…so I’m going to leave the room.

Zucker: Fair enough, Marc. Thanks, for your input.

(Chiri and Zucker wink at each other)

EXIT MARC CHINI.

Michael Bass: This is probably a good time to mention, anyone who doesn’t want to take part in this ruse, please excuse yourselves from the office. We’d appreciate your help, but we understand if your morals are inflexible for something like this.

(Everyone stares blankly)

Cotton: Good. Now we won’t need everyone to participate, but we do need everyone to be as discrete as possible. This means no airing our plan to spouses or significant others for head, no getting drunk and blurting it out to friends, we need as much anonymity as possible.

Zucker: I think we’re all in agreement. Now, what exactly do you have in mind?

Cotton: My plan? We do nothing.

Zucker: Are you fucking retarded? What does that even mean?

Cotton: Well, not exactly nothing. But we let the man’s lifestyle be his downfall, we just make sure there is someone there to film or photograph it when it happens.

John Eck: This isn’t a plan, just an idea. Anyone could have come up with this!

Marc Graboff: No wonder your just a vice president.

Cotton: Look, we don’t need his body on a slab, just a little foul play in a public setting to have the leverage to get rid of him.

Zucker: Don’t you see how this makes us look bad in the process? We look incompetent for hiring someone so incapable of meeting the job description. I will not have my image tarnished like that. I’m the president of NBC! No malcontent is going to make me look foolish.

Cotton: Collateral damage. To salvage what’s left of your reputation and to get this network out of the gutter, we need to do something drastic. Right now, with all due respect sir, you are putting the cart before the horse. We can’t improve or save your legacy until we get rid of Ben Silverman.

Eck: All we need is a patsy to put the wheels in motion, which may happen to be one of us. Ben’s too coked up 90% of the time to pick up on any of this.

Cotton: We cannot let this plan extend beyond this office, it has to be one of us. It’s simple, we all know his penchant for prostitutes. Just offer to pick up the tab, then when it comes time to pay, just claim you forgot your wallet and you’ll reimburse him the following day. Meanwhile, before he gets to the hotel, we set up a camera in the room this tryst will take place in. The footage has to establish a money for sex transaction, or else this is all null and void. The recording has to speak for itself. We can’t look like we are trying to force him out.

(Everyone’s a bit flummoxed at the thoroughness of the plan, and momentarily speechless)

Graboff: How long have you been thinking about this?

Cotton: Are we or are we not all on board with the plan? Quit feeding me platitudes and rhetorical questions if we’re serious about getting this guy out of our network.

Zucker: (Contemplates the proposition by Rick for a considerable amount of time) Yeah, but, can I really do this? This is a man’s life and reputation we’re talking about. I mean, he did bring us Chuck.

Cotton: Chuck? He brought us Chuck? You mean that show that aired about eight times to mediocre ratings before the writers strike ended its first season prematurely?

Zucker: Did you see the reviews for it? People were bound to come around.

Michael Bass: We don’t know that, Jeff. And even if we did, it’s one show out of how many. All our Thursday night comedies and FNL all receive rave reviews, but none of them crack the top ten in Nielsen’s. You know what occasionally does? Deal or No Deal.

Zucker…Alright, put it in motion. But before we go public with whatever we find, we give him the option to leave quietly.

Cotton: Fine, sounds fair.

Lynn Calpeter: So who do we send? None of us are all that close with him, and even if we were it’s not like it wouldn’t seem unusual, one of us accompanying him socially.

Michael Bass: We send Ebersol. It’s not like he ever has shit to do anyways.

Graboff: (Without skipping a beat, and into intercom) Stacy, could you get Dick Ebersol in here, please.

Stacy: Right away, Mr. Silverman.

Graboff: This is Mr. Graboff, Stacy. Am I slurring? Do I sound like I spent all night recreating Requiem For A Dream?

Stacy: My apologies, Mr. Graboff.

(Hangs up phone)

Eck: Wow, someone is gun-ho about this now.

Graboff: Hey, FUCK YOU, John! You know how much work I do for this network that he gets all the credit for. Green-lighting Chuck was my idea. Mmmmiiinnnee. With that fucking drunkard out of the way, I’ll finally get the credit and RESPECT! I deserve.

Cotton:Easy, Marc, easy. Soon enough we’ll all get what we’re looking for.

ENTER DICK EBERSOL.

Michael Bass: Rich, my boy! How’s everything going in our sports department?

Cotton: (under his breath) Who’s the vice president now, bitch?

To be continued….

Rarely, well never, actually, do we get these kind of insider looks at the entertainment industry. But NBC was gracious enough to grant us access to the process of deciding their fall schedule. To say it was enlightening is an understatement.

Jeff Zucker: Gentleman, welcome. As you all know we have perennially been in last place for some time now, so today we are here to rectify that and hopefully develop some unique, invigorating series to capture the hearts and-

Ben Silverman (enters with icepack on forehead): Oh man, hey, sorry I’m late, man. We had a party going till six this morning over in Rainn Wilson’s hot tub and my head is pounding like Chuck Barris used it on our renewing of The Gong Show.

Michael Bass: We aren’t remaking The Gong Show.

Silverman: Oh, so that’s the one.

Michael Bass: Jesus, Ben, If you’re going to come in here late, hungover and insulting our efforts, you could at least make an effort to lie to us.

Ben Silverman: Why would I bother? You can’t fire me and make this network look like even more of a clusterfuck than it already is. I know you are already looking for a reason to let me go, and the way things are heading, I figure after one more fall season you will have more than enough reason to can my drunk ass. So I’m going to enjoy it.

Zucker: So you’re not going to put forth any effort at all, then? This fucking generation…

Silverman: Look, can we just get the fuck on with it? I’m meaning BJ Novak over at Scores in two hours.

Zucker: Our shareholders are not going to be happy about this should word get out, Ben. We hired you thinking you’d be able to reach the younger demographic, clearly you identify with them but are unable meet their market demands.

Silverman: With all due respect, Zucks, we’re the network that greenlit Bionic Woman, alright, the shareholders have much greater concerns then where I’m gang-banging European hookers with Office cast members.

Richard Cotton: Actually, Ben, that’s exact-

Silverman: I’m sorry, does anyone hear somebody talking? I know the Vice President isn’t trying to tell me what to do and how to act. Now if you fine gentlemen will excuse me, I’m going to get some aspirin.

(Stumbles out of the office, the door shuts)

Jeff Zucker: What the hell are we going to do with him? He’s a fucking disaster.

Marc Chini: First off, let me say that I’m sorry you had to hear all that, Lynn.

Lynn Calpeter: That’s alright, I’m used to it by now.

Chini: Secondly, I think our hands are tied. He’s under contract, and unless we want to shoot ourselves in the foot and watch our respectability plummet even further than it already has, he’s right, we are forced to endure him for at least another year.

Zucker: God damnit, people! How can we let one, sniveling little trust-fund baby completely derail an entire network! I’m the president of NBC! I should be able to do something about this!

Rich Cotton: Well, we can always circumvent the contract.

Zucker: In what way?

(enter Ben Silverman)

Cotton: Oh shit.

Silverman: Hey, what’d I miss?

Michael Bass: Oh, we were just contemplating ways to get rid of you while making us look justified to the public in doing so.

Silverman: (riotous laughter) Good one, Mike. You know, sometimes I get the feeling that you could do mine and your job, better than I can do mine. Guess we’ll never know.

Zucker: Alright, now if we could focus on the main objective here, which is improving our weekly primetime lineups. We need something that can really bring in an audience, preferably a young one. We’ve tried with Friday Night Lights, and for whatever reason that hasn’t panned out. Now we need something a little edgier, a little more risque.

Silverman: Oh, Katims has gotten the message, don’t you worry.

(Collective laughter)

Zucker: Right, but we need more than an improvement on a show no one has been watching. What’s one thing that all these teen shows: Gossip Girl, The OC have in com-

Silverman: Listen, guys, I would love to stay and chat. But the buffet at the city’s finest titty bar has my name all over it. Gentleman…its been real.

Zucker: You said you had two hours.

Silverman: Yeah, I did, didn’t I?

Zucker: So, what changed?

Silverman: My temperament. Listen, good luck with the primetime lineup. If you need me later today I’ll be at America Ferrara’s house, she’s having a barbeque for some friends who made it across the border.

(Exit Silverman)

Zucker: (Deep sigh) Hey Rich, tell me again about this…contract circumvention.

To be continued…

Note: This is all, 100%, fictional.

Slow, slow TV weeks ahead. With no Office, Survivor or South Park, the next TV event we’ll write about is probably Recount which airs next Monday. Unless we start dating someone with Showtime, we should be on hiatus from all television series until Generation Kill in July. So, here is the first of what’s sure to be many links posts over the next couple months.

Ian Ziering, one of the cast members from the original 90210, is now a MySpace “star”. Funny, because I thought the term “star” implied that you were recognizable to the mainstream, not that you developed a miniseries then put it on your MySpace page. Because if that is the case, my niece is a “star” as well. Poor guy. Although he was probably sick to death of her, he went from being married to this, to developing an internet show that virtually no one realizes exists.

Jerry Springer officially apologized for the Jerry Springer Show, presumably because he’s running for office in the near future. He’s so sorry and was so aware that the show was contributing to the decay of culture in this country, that he starred in a film satire about the whole thing.

Portia de Rossi (Lyndsay Bluth) is marrying Ellen Degeneres. One of these two is marrying up, but I’m not really sure who. We have no barometer for things like this with same-sex couples, probably because they often seem too content to worry about such matters.

Aside from them both being women, this matrimony will probably be a lot more traditional than anyone will give it credit for.

Probably the best indicator of how poor these network crime dramas are in terms of character development, is how interchangeable the actors are, and cliche and ridiculous their characters descriptions tend to be.

The fourth season of Weeds is at least partially set in South America, and here are photos from it! We still haven’t seen but the first two episodes from the third season and we have them queued up on Netflix for their June 3rd release. We might due a brief synopsis of the third season before the fourth airs, simply for lack of anything else to do.

In a tragic blow to the film industry, Jimmy Fallon is retiring from the big screen to focus on his late night career. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, including Jimmy Fallon having a late night talk show and Jimmy Fallon having a movie career to retire from. I don’t think the nation understands the impact of this decision. This means no more Taxi, and no more minor Hornby. You know you’ll miss him when he’s gone.

And finally, some actress is going to be playing some doctor that “challenges” Sean on the next season of Nip Tuck. One, I can’t believe this shit was renewed. Two, “challenges” for an actress in Nip Tuck land means she collects penises and sells them on the black market in a third world country or something. Say Adios to your member, Sean, it’s not like you ever used it all that often, and the few times you did you were brow beaten by every other character on the show. So, maybe it’s for the best. Maybe now we can get along to a storyline that doesn’t resemble every other storyline the series has had.

And on that note, have a great day.

We haven’t done a Monday night preview in about five months. Granted, that is only a small fraction of time (January-May) in most television seasons. But since we were in the middle of a labor strike then, and we aren’t now, it might be fitting to review how our options have changed. Considering this is what we tend to think of most television executives, I’m guessing they’ll leave something to be desired.

NBC

8pm: American Gladiators
I have a friend in Miami who watches this show religiously, and while we haven’t gotten around to seeing more than a couple of events, we strongly disregard this. Why is that, you ask? Because we had to watch the show for roughly a half hour to see those couple of events, they ate up maybe seven or eight minutes (there’s no way in hell they occupied a third of their airtime), while the other twenty-two were filled with commercials, challenge summaries and a human interest story to remind us that American Gladiator contestants are regular people, just like you and me. So, if you’re interested in seeing people compete in random challenges on varying obstacle courses but do not like the social and domestic sides of Survivor, this is the game show for you.

9:30pm: Dateline
No idea what tonight’s episode “investigates”, but if they’re not cornering and humiliating would be pedophiles, then were not interested.

ABC
8pm: Dancing With The Stars
What’s really sad about this show is the people who compete on it, regardless of what they may have accomplished that got them there in the first place, they will first and foremost be remembered for whoring themselves out on a ballroom dance competition in an ill-fated attempt to rejuvenate their career. We suspect Denise Richards will appear on this sometime soon, though the show might be too big for her. To E! with you, young lady.

9pm: Bachelorette
Tonight is the premiere of twenty man whores vying for the affections of one woman, why they don’t just put their cameras in a bar on a Saturday night is beyond me, but this is what happens when you over-complicate things. Seriously, we’d rather watch the Sex and The City movie than go within five channels of The Bachelor or any or variance of the franchise.

FOX
8pm: Bones
In addition to the sitcoms we mentioned last week, this is part of the CBS-ization of FOX. As far as I know, the series is about attractive late 20’s early 30’s forensic psychologists who solve cold cases. See, that incorporates two CBS cop dramas in one. Man, say what you will about FOX, but they are nothing if not efficient.

We feel our characterization is pretty apt. We forgot about the patriarch second from the back, though.

9pm: House
We heard, that in tonight’s episode Dr. House surgically removes his own bowels for the benefit of a dying older woman. He stays alive through the majesty marshmallow creme and insulin shots until they can find a suitable organ donor. Riveting.

CBS
8pm: Big Bang Theory
Socially dysfunctional nerds learn to co-habitat with an attractive but dense woman and everyone learns acceptance and grows as a result.

8:30pm: How I Met Your Mother
The kid from Doogie Howser, the girl from American Pie, the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Britney Spears and two other people all engage in wacky hijinks to a hilarious result.

9pm: Two and a Half Men
Two brothers, one with a son from a failed marriage, with contrasting lifestyles learn to co-habitat through the genius of innuendo and puns.

9:30pm: Rules of Engagement
Your typical “married life is awful” series, with David Spade as the swinging fifty-something bachelor to contrast the misery of the two married couples.

10pm: CSI: Miami
We go from the failed attempt at comedy, to comedy being an unintended result of their ratings monster of a cop drama. Honestly, I defy you to control your laughter when David Caruso whips off his glasses and sticks it to a fellow detective, just like they do in real life.

In conclusion, we hope the Spurs-Hornets game isn’t another blowout.

Well, that was fucking depressing. I suppose it’s fitting that Amy Ryan, whom everything we’ve seen her in has been utterly tragic, makes her debut (cameo?) on the best comedy series on television, and it turns into one of the more depressing season finale’s we’ve ever seen. Albeit not fourth season of The Wire depressing, but certainly not the quirky exuberance we are used to.

That’s not to say the show isn’t without its darker moments. But in this we had deceptive marriage acceptances, failed marriage proposals, affairs, and probably the nastiest thing anyone has ever done on the show in what Jan did/is doing to Michael. It’s amazing how they’ve managed to turn her from a sympathetic character into some sort of domineering, entitled lunatic. Still, at least they turned it into a legitimate conflict and further illustrated the depths of Michael’s desperation to have children.

It’s all the more egregious with the arrival or Holly, and Amy Ryan really adopted the role well. She just played the part of an exceedingly relatable character. We hope she comes back for the fifth season, but we have our reservations. She’s too marketable for film to get bogged down with a show that would eat up as much of her time as The Office would. The whole Michael conflict with the kid and figuring out how to approach Holly with Jim’s insistence to pace himself was the highlight of the evening.

Now this would be a decent pairing.

But it appears the story of the night was the non-proposal and proposal that took place. It’s certainly not beyond Andy’s cluelessness to propose to someone who is so indifferent to their relationship roughly two to three months into it, so we didn’t think that the action in and of itself was a plot contrivance. But if the writers tend to make this failure to propose an actual storyline and source of conflict with Jim and Pam, as much as we prefer them to not get married, we’d probably prefer it if they found another source of conflict for the two of them. Maybe something just a little less contrived.

There is always the chance they end up putting Jim in New York with Ryan’s job (I checked youtube to see if the video of him being “arrested” was actually posted, couldn’t find it if it was) to put the kaibosh on any of that speculation. Having him and Pam in New York would certainly change the dynamic of the show, but it would be favorable to her sleeping with some guy in New York because Jim didn’t propose to her during a mini-fireworks display.

All things considered it was handled well, but when the dominating storyline in a fucking comedy is whether or not someone is going to propose to his girlfriend, we can’t help but think the show is ignoring its main objective. We thought there was plenty to laugh about in this finale (not as good as “The Job” and not even close to “Casino Night”), it just expects us to be too invested in everyone’s relationship status. And I, for one, don’t want to see anything to catastrophic, but ultimately don’t care. I just want to see decent comedy born out of the situational circumstances.

The twist with Dwight we really didn’t see coming, and to be honest while we buy the fact that despite all her religious predilections, Angela would definitely have an affair, but she would never fuck in the office she works in. Or any office for that matter. It definitely leads us to a motive for Ed Helms to leave with his spinoff.

Choice quotes/moments:

“Hazing is a great way to let a new employee know that they’re not wanted here, and you hate them.” -Dwight

“You cheated on me, when I specifically asked you not too.” -Michael, upon finding out Jan’s pregnancy wasn’t his.

-Loved Dwight setting up Beadie (Holly) with the premise that Kevin was mentally retarded, even though we’ve seen it done a hundred times since the Seinfeld episode with Mel Torme. But Kevin has always spoke in the most simplistic, least abstract way possible so the confusion felt realistic.

“DOES ANYONE HAVE A CAMERA?!!” -Toby

-Loved that Phyllis was able to pull off a successful office party, even if it meant she would never be able to do it again.

“He has been cruising for a bruising for awhile. I am his cruiser, and my name is captain bruisin’.”-Michael on Toby’s interview.

-Speaking of which, Michael struggling to come up with questions on the fly leading to the paraphrasing all of his original questions: “Who do you think you are?”; “What gives you the right?” In addition to his gift for Toby, followed by Dwight’s brutally clueless honesty might have been the best two minute sequence ever on this show.

“What we refer to in the business as misleading the customers. Another good term is, fraud. I think the real crime in the whole thing…was the beard. ” -Oscar, though limited in camera time, especially this year, always gets the choice lines. This one about Ryan getting arrested.

Kevin: Cool, a bouncy house.
Phyllis: Kevin take your shoes off first.

“Mr. Andrew Bernard…It’s got a nice ring to it.” -Andy

“If there’s any details you want to fill me in on, like…what exactly lamaze is, I’d love to hear it” -Michael

“I need to go buckle him in” -Holly

A great episode, but as always, these overly dramatic ones (and we think Paul Lieberstein is a good writer) bring about a lot of trepidation about the direction the series is taking. Not to say there is a chance in hell we won’t watch next season, but we’re always on the verge of thinking it will lose its edge.

The Office finale is tonight, rendering us speechless that we’ll actually spend a full hour tonight watching a comedy that we are looking forward too. I saw a preview on Leno last night with Rainn Wilson as the guest introducing it, and if that clip was an indication of how the episode will go, then we’re optimistic for the finale. One of the characters ends up leaving, and though who that is, is implicit in the episode title, we are not in the business of spoiling anyone before an episode has aired. But lets just say that he’s a writer, and I’m sure he will be intricately involved in this alleged spinoff, set to air in 2009.

In the meantime, here are some links. We really pity anyone who reads this site, there are probably about 1,236,632 other TV sites that have more committed approaches than we do at this one as they seem to watch more television. But let us sum that up in three words: fuck that shit. Encouraging people to watch Gossip Girl is something we can’t condone much less participate in.

Not that we expected anything from CBS to really set our world on fire or for them to Stand PAT in the fall, but what they’re offering seems exceptionally bad. For the three pilots they describe in the article: one’s a ripoff of Meet The Parents, one is a ripoff of Psyche and the other is a carbon copy of every relationship sitcom ever made. You know, if they are going to essentially steal from everyone else, you think they would be a little more relevant than a TV show no one watches on USA and a movie that’s over ten years old. Just sayin’.

For God knows what reason, Kelsey Grammar gives a shit about his now canceled FOX sitcom, Back To You. Considering the guy is set for life, has to be pushing sixty years old and the show was at best getting a marginal Nielsen and kind of lukewarm critically, you’d think he’d almost be in a hurry to get off the air with that so as not to tarnish his legacy. But no. He wants everyone to see what no one has seen, and the only reason no one has seen it is because everyone assumes it will be unpleasant. That’s conviction most people lack, which we admire; but it’s like continuing the bank robbery even after you’re surrounded by a SWAT team: it’s probably better to just cut your losses and accept the fact that you failed.

In a stunning development that is shocking the world, left-wing politicians are upset with a Hollywood project. Specifically, HBO’s new original movie Recount about the 2000 presidential election. Apparently it makes them look like complete and utter pussies (while most likely simultaneously making the right-wing look bat shit crazy, but they’re used to it), which democrats are probably tired of being labeled as. We haven’t seen the movie as it doesn’t air for another couple weeks, but our interest has peaked. And I promise both sides of the aisle that when I review it on here, I’ll be sure to point out how ridiculous both of you are.

Obviously, he’s a democrat.

Dana Delaney, whose been in such hits as The Right Temptation and Exit to Eden, will continue her role on Desperate Housewives into next season. This is despite her storyline ending this season, which means she’ll be narrating from beyond with a couple flashbacks here and there. See, if you combine all of the five minute stints we’ve watched of that show, it probably comes out to around an episode and a half of the series, and we already know what’s going to happen.

And finally, according to the San Fransisco Chronicle, it’s officially been proven that sitcoms literally rot your brain. Now, there is a lot of variances of sitcoms these days. If Arrested Development and South Park rot my brain, then let me say that 1) I don’t believe it for a minute and 2) Even if they did I wouldn’t give a shit. If you’re watching shit like Big Bang Theory or Rules of Engagement (or to disprove our bias, It’s Always Sunny), then sure, this study is irrefutable. But simply because it’s packaged as a half-hour comedy on television, doesn’t mean by default it turns you into some zombie shut-in. Sure, that is predominately the case, but there are exceptions.

Office recap tomorrow.

We’ll come out and say it right now. we’re not doing anything but watching basketball tonight. Not only do we have money on one of the games, and the other game involves the home-state team, we went to Cleveland on Saturday for game 3 of the Cavs-Pistons and walked around all day and night with a short-sleeve shirt on. It was probably fairly cold out when we left the game, I don’t know, I was too drunk to notice. But as a result my throat feels like the great wall of China is running through it right now. So, just expect more of the same tomorrow is all we’re saying.

I get the impression that all the news and press releases about the upcoming 90210 remake will turn out to be more entertaining than the show itself. The show was so over-the-top when it was on in the early 90’s, I’m not sure what else they can really accomplish in terms of outrageousness and still expect people to watch. Like I’ve said before, unless Michael caps someone in the knee with a shotgun for their family inheritance, our interest is non-existent.

The new cast of 90210, it looks about like one would expect.

Hi-yo! The Real World is making like the Nets and heading to Brooklyn. We’re not sure how people like the current cast will really fit in around our favorite NYC borough, but if they can supply the coke than I’m sure the twenty-something crowd will except them just fine.

I’m sorry, but we’ve often criticized Lost but always preambled that we can see the appeal. Well, if this actually happens, we take that all back, the show will be rendered appeal-less. If you are to lazy to click on the link like I would be, it’s an interview with “Popular Mechanics”, saying that the island everyone is allegedly lost on, is capable of time travel. We have no idea how close the series is to pulling this off, or if they’re just saying this for the benefit of “Popular Mechanics”, but essentially what it means is nothing is out of bounds for the show. They could learn to fly with palm tree leaves and it would seem feasible now. Christ all mighty. I’ve seen in commercials they all have guns now, can’t Daniels kill everyone on the island, regret it and then kill himself out of guilt in these final episodes?

Apparently I’m not the only one who was critical of last Thursday’s Office episode. This article claims it to be their worst effort in the four year run, and while we might not go that far, it is definitely closer to the bottom than the top of the list for us as well. It seems nit-picky, since the four preceding it were world-class, but it’s almost like they focused all their efforts on the finale and just used the penultimate episode to set it up.

It seems like I post a link to this after every Survivor season, but Sunday’s finale was the lowest rated finale for the series, breaking last season’s record low. Let’s put it this way, given how good this season was (even if it disappointed in the end), if it’s finale couldn’t beat out the finale from the dismally boring China season, then this is a trend we’re expecting to continue.

Finally, something of a high note, I guess, Mitchell Hurwitz has an animated series set to come out featuring the voices of Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Will we watch? Obviously. But Hurwitz’s grand return to television, we were expecting something a little more enticing than an animated series. Essentially we were hoping for Arrested Development, but maybe with a different setting. Though that might be one liberty too many for them to take, that show was fucking perfect.

We kind of lied at the end of yesterday’s post when we assured a later day entry about the reunion and whatnot. We just pushed it back a day for the sake of efficiency. Also, this will be our last post on this Survivor season, so if you hate this show as much as most people in my demographic then rest easy, because this is the last time we’ll be posting about it until the fall season in Gabon (which looks fucking amazing).

The jury was probably the strangest exhibition of human behavior on reality television since Puck spit on David on the first “Real World/Road Rules Challenge”. They should put these eight people in a room with no windows together and see what the situation bares because an island just isn’t confined enough for such…peculiar characters. We’ll just do a rundown of the jury questions we can still recall, and pontificate on why they were asked:

Natalie: Probably one of the odder characters to ever embrace the Survivor landscape. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with alternative lifestyles. But expressing affection in such an obtuse and unsettling manner and inappropriate setting definitely caught us off guard. If you want to proposition her, just wait until the after party when she is good and drunk, Parvati strikes me as the “I’ll try anything once” type. Anyway, Natalie has since claimed that she asked the question because she at least wanted to make Parvati uncomfortable before she voted for her to win a million dollars, which strikes us as at best back-pedaling and at worst denial.

We can’t all have enough decorum to wait until after Tribal Council to make passes at people.

Ozzy: Someone is feeling a little self-righteous for my taste. Parvati and (mostly) Cirie pulled one over on you, just recognize it as good gameplay and move on. He apologized at the reunion, or rather accepted the move for what it is. But we just couldn’t comprehend why after sitting in that hotel for the past couple weeks he was still so vindictive. Apparently they briefly dated after the Cook Islands season so that’s sort of a reason to take it personally. I guess. But his vying for Amanda’s affection was actually more nauseating. The only reason why it wasn’t as misplaced as Natalie’s is 1) editing, and 2) he wasn’t as fucking ambiguous and creepy with what he was trying to say. Still, it’s going to be really embarrassing when she dumps him for some film producer who has a thing for semi-amazons.

Alexis: She was so gravely concerned about how the winner would serve as a role model for young girls that she had to vote for the world’s foremost foxy-boxing authority. I’m guessing she didn’t want to cast a vote for someone who’s profile lists her as a pageant winner, but the real reason she voted for Parvati is because she thought she was “cool” or something. As far as electing a role model for teenagers, the pickins were slim.

James: As dense as he seems about the whole process of participating on Survivor, he sure as shit is good-natured about the entire thing. Even his interrogation of Parvati came off as more playful than anything. Probably the most even-keeled, normalcy displayed in the entire inquisition (or whatever the hell you want to call it).

Eliza: On the other end of the spectrum, young Eliza came out swinging. And for some reason it didn’t seem as bitter as this brand of “questioning” usually seems. Just an honest assessment of each participant’s character. She genuinely seemed to believe Parvati was some immoral sycophant, like Fairplay’s doppelganger or something. And she really seemed to be under the impression that Amanda was dense as a bone and lacking any and all substance.
I didn’t necessarily agree with her on either account (well, maybe the former), but her convictions seemed to impend her choice, and she seemed quite conflicted that she had to cast a vote that would reward these people a seven figure prize. Why she picked Parvati I’ll never understand. Maybe she thought she wouldn’t win, so cast a vote knowing it wouldn’t amount to anything, maybe she just cast it for raw game play. But either way, based on her harpooning of Parvati ten minutes (TV time) before she cast her vote, it was like an OSU fan rooting for Michigan over Michigan State.

Jason: Didn’t bring much to the table in the way of logic or insanity. He simply wanted validation for the one blindside he was apart of.

Cirie: Probably the most constructive (if self-serving) line of questioning. Essentially, she wanted to know why Amanda chose Parvati over her, and instead of giving the textbook “you’re too strong of a competitor” answer, she essentially gave Parvati all the credit for making final two. Which is somewhat counterproductive, considering Amanda is trying to prove that she is more worthy of the million than Parvati, but whatever.

Erik: Also good natured about his blunder, which is probably the biggest ever seen on this show. He seemed to be seething a little during the reunion (non-verbally of course) but overall he seemed to recover well from his most public humiliation. But that wasn’t reflective in his questioning, as he seemed to believe that Amanda genuinely cared about him, whether it was platonic affection or otherwise. Still, the “hard-line” he took with her was still comical, because his voice kept kind-of, sort-of cracking.

This was the closest jury we’ve seen to a parade of carnival freaks, and while it was disappointing in how little the jury questioning revealed, it was definitely memorable. Still, there are plenty of questions we would have liked to have had answered that were never asked.

Speaking of which, the reunion didn’t offer much in the way of unveiling. It would have been nice to have known why people voted they way they did, but that doesn’t draw any ratings it seems, because Probst never inquires about it.

If you want a summary of the reunion, here it is in short: Yau’s still hilarious, Ozzy mocked the lunch lady from China, everyone who was injured is now fine, Mikey’s mom died, Parvati’s still self-absorbed, Joel is still frightening, James won the fan vote, Mary’s getting married, Fairplay has a daughter and wants Jeff to hug her and Cirie was virtually ignored. The end.

In other words, like every other Survivor reunion, it was rather uneventful and we’re still not sure why we watch it. A dreary end to an exciting season.

Probably links or something tomorrow.

We figured since there is nothing else on Sunday nights even worth mentioning that we’d get the Survivor finale out of the way. The title refers to the women supposedly being witches, thus they are stirring a cauldron that they pretend to huddle around. It’s not terribly original. but have we ever gotten an original metaphor from a contestant on this show that wasn’t from Jonathan Penner or Yul Kwon?

Anyhow, it wasn’t really a lively finale, everything that we assumed would happen, did. Meaning, one of the people that we didn’t want to see win from the beginning of the season won. Not to say that Parvati was completely undeserving, but it really felt like 90% of the time, she was just executing one of Cirie’s many blindsides. You could probably say that Parvati didn’t win it so much as Amanda lost it. Again. At the final tribal council. For the most part she just looks frightened of confrontation and when she is asked to explain herself, she attempts to be non-offensive and dances around a straight answer only to the agitation of the person asking the question. It’s sad really.

Of course, the fact that the people asking the questions are vindictive pricks have the time factors into the scenario as well. We can’t remember every jury members question, but Natalie’s stands out for her sheer weirdness, Eliza for her non-question (though we tend to agree with her scathing commentary), Erik for his bitterness and Ozzy for his self-righteousness and gut spilling display. But it was definitely a Survivor first to have two of the jury members make romantic propositions to the two finalists with their “questions”. That was…fitting.

We try to never judge a season’s success based on who we want to win and how they finish. But when someone like Parvati wins, it kind of speaks to the rest of the cast, and probably why we weren’t all that infatuated with this finale. Amanda had to have known that if she brings Parvati instead of Cirie, she is going to have Alexis and Natalie’s vote in the bad. Cirie is going to feel slighted, so count her vote towards Parvati as well. We can’t believe that Erik didn’t vote for Parvati, but he is so enamored with Ozzy he wants to sleep with the same women as him, so going into it she’s theoretically down 0-4 out the gate. It seems like a mistake to bring her instead of Cirie since Cirie just spent the last tribal council complaining about being at the bottom of every alliance she was a member of. In other words, she has no committed votes (or at least fewer than four).

Your Final four for Survivor. In case you didn’t realize, it’s all women. Natalie would be happy to tell you.

The blame for losing Jason and Eliza’s vote falls squarely on the shoulders of Amanda (though in the case of Eliza, she can’t be blamed for Eliza’s random decision making). Jason was probably on the fence, but when Amanda said she would have told Ozzy about the upcoming blindside, and considering that move saved his ass, his decision was then made for him. It’s kind of ironic, because in the one instance she wanted to give a non-committal answer, she opens the vault. In the case of Eliza, she seemed to hate and resent Parvati, but not have any respect for Amanda. I don’t know how she votes for someone who treated her with as much disrespect as anyone has ever treated anybody with on this show, but there it is. She cast the deciding vote and gave Parvati Shallow a million dollars. Without question the least likable person we’ve ever seen win a season of Survivor.

It seems to be common consensus that Cirie got screwed with the show reverting back to a final two, instead of the standard final three they’ve used for four or five seasons now. While it does seem out of the ordinary to randomly revert back to a F2, there was no guarantee it would be a F3. They’ve done an F2 more times than an F3 so it seems like fair game to us. To just assume that you are looking at an F3 seems presumptuous to us. And most people making excuses are just pissed off that they had to watch Parvati win a million dollars and not give Cirie one iota of credit. Something we can relate to, definitely, but this move by the producers isn’t nearly as egregiously unacceptable as all the challenges that took people out of the game prematurely.

Cirie’s biggest problem has been the same problem she’s had all season, and why she didn’t make the F3 in Cook Islands: she’s a liability in challenges. While we value strategy over challenge play, that aspect of the game is still integral. We were indifferent to who won, but if we were forced to choose one of the four to root for, Cirie would have been the choice in a landslide. Followed by Amanda then Parvati then Natalie, whom we’re still too freaked out by to comment on thoroughly.

We’ll still look back on this season fondly, it was just too eventful to consider otherwise (even if it was in part due to awful game-play and stupidity). But the constant harping by Probst that this is the greatest season ever seems like wishful thinking. He said the same shit about China, and that is probably the worst season they’ve had (definitely the worst we’ve seen), but you could make an actual case for this one, but the game play was so bad in some of the instances that we only give so much credit to those who pulled it off. Still, it was fun to watch.

Back with a recap on the reunion and some more commentary on the finale later.

Sorry this is coming up so late. We had to wait until we got off work to write it so you can imagine my annoyance. I have a strict policy about not writing anything for this website on my own free time. And, well, when I have to do so during the 6:30 PTI (albeit with Bob Ryan, but PTI none the less) that just grates even more.

Anyhow, I suppose it’s a good sign when they take five episodes into the second half of a season after a writers strike for me to be indifferent about one of their installments, but I can’t help but feeling like there was a lot of missed potential here. I mean, a job fair and a golf course used as settings in one episode seems almost excessive for just one episode. But they felt it necessary to show the parallels between Michael and Jim and the diverging paths of Jim and Pam.

That kiss in the final scene (before the credits) really felt kind of hackneyed and (again) excessive for this show. One thing I’ve always loved about The Office is their ability (forgive me David Simon) to do more with less. Of course, what makes this show watchable even when were not particularly fond of the direction its taking, is that Michael manages to lean in and offer some commentary. But with little to no involvement in the actual office short of Dwight lacking any real authority and giving Angela the cold shoulder all day, I expect more than a couple physical comedy gags and some awkward confrontations. Something along the lines of Dwight in an NYC club is much more suitable.

Speaking of NYC, some partners in crime at corporate were conspicuously absent this episode.

Usually we pity Michael, but his shabby treatment of the aspiring paper company employee and Pam made us actually kind of hope something violent happens to him. This is generally an issue with this brand of humor, if it doesn’t work or is unoriginal, it comes across as more callous than pitiful. Really the only thing we liked about the entire job fair plot was Michael booting the basketball across the gym and Pam’s reminiscing about skipping gym class.

The golf outing went from a promising concept to something they had Jim take too seriously and turned Andy and Kevin into walking caricatures. I mean, I guess we want to see Jim and Pam happy and all, but I’m still only so invested in it. The whole, “he wants to impress her” storyline is only good for a couple lines listed below. Our ambivalence towards episodes like this probably derives from 1) we prefer comedies to be comedic, and 2) Jim’s attitude (or initial attitude) towards his job was so similar to ours. Watching him take selling paper even remotely seriously kind of ruins part of the show we actually love. I’m almost hoping they move off to Philly or NYC together, the two of them get their spinoff, we can ignore that show and watch an Office that revolves around Dwight and Andy.

Dwight and Angela’s non-developments were amusing, but never provided much more than them pacing around awkwardly and Dwight ignoring Angela, except for the occasional coworker interaction. It was in character for both of them, but just didn’t bring much to the table. You can actually probably say the same thing for everyone this episode except for Michael, whom when crossed a certain threshold, just seems like something from someone’s nightmare, rather than an actual human being (see Phyllis’ wedding).

We really have little else to say about the episode so here are the precious few choice moments:

“We’re to find some interns at the high school, need to euthanize this place.” -Michael

“I’m about to do something bold at this job that I’ve never done before…Try.” -Jim

Being back here brings back memories: Pretending to have PMS so i didn’t have to play volleyball, pretending to have PMS so I didn’t have to play basketball, those were the days.” -Pam

“The American workaday ends at 5pm.” -Dwight, instructing the employees.

“Justin is the ugly girl in the movie who takes her glasses off and is hot. And you discover she wasn’t ugly, she just had glasses on.” -Michael, describing the only student who exhibited any interest in working for them.

“I would never say this to her face, but she is extremely nice and a gifted artist.” -Michael describing Pam

Not their best, not their worst. We can live with one underwhelming episode for every four brilliant episodes. Even on the heels of this, we’re on pins and needles waiting for the hour long finale.We’ve had our issues with the hour long episodes in the past, but when done selectively and not compulsively, they’re generally the comedic and dramatic highlights of the season (see “Casino Night” and “Benihana Christmas”).