Grid Effect

Well, we’re back to our old ways. By which I mean we have nothing to write about, so we’re going to resort to links. The links posts are great in that we are afforded the privilege of making pithy, snide comments about several ongoings in the industry. They’re terrible in that it doesn’t appear anyone reads them. Whatever they are, they’re also a reliable failsafe, which is imperative when you’re posting a grand total of once a day.

How is it that musicians  are the most likely entertainers to bottom out and resort to some sort of reality programming, even when it appears they don’t have to? It appears that Xzibit, best known for Pimp My Ride fame but also released two solid rap albums before whoring himself on gimmicky MTV series. Now the “music” network has their claws in Janet Jackson.  Why is she doing this? Does she not have enough money? Is she paying off some of Michael’s debt? When you start following in the footsteps of Tyra Banks, it’s probably time to kiss the limelight goodbye.

In a move that shocks no one, Showtime has picked up the new Peter Tolan series starring Mathew Perry. It was either them or HBO given the bewildering noteworthy utterance of a certain profanity, and HBO is seems happy continuing their descent off the face of the earth.

It’s difficult to say who has had the better post-Friends career, a showtime series with frowned upon epithets might push Perry over the edge.

When people talk about the growing income disparity between the rich and the poor in this country, they always reference falling wages, outsourcing, etc. And all those things play a contributive role, but what about the Lifetime entertainment chief being married to the creator of the American Office? I’m not one to judge, people are free to earn a living any way they can within the confines of the law, but given that haves tend to marry haves and the have nots are left to each other, maybe that factors in as well.

Newsflash! Supposedly the much hyped Rescue Me “minisodes” are going to be humor-centric. Much to my surprise, you can’t tell a decent dramatic story with character the audience is already familiar with in five minutes. I guess my point is, is this even news? Shouldn’t everyone have just assumed that they would be comedic bits? Even those short Coke films they used to show before movies were generic stabs at comedy. I seriously doubt their going to kill off another one of Tommy Gavin’s kids in a five minute episode.

And finally, I’m going to end up on the Hollywood walk of fame. I don’t have set plans to put my hands in cement, but if you look at the current list of celebrities set to do so, then it stands a better chance than not that I will at some point in my life.

That’s it for today, have a good, most likely sports free weekend.

See, you take a week off from doing links, and there is some actual worthwhile shit to relay. I need to come up with more ideas for arbitrary lists so this isn’t such a rare occurrence.

Peter Tolan, co-creator and writer on the now scorned Rescue Me, is developing a new series with Mathew Perry. In which the Friends alum will utter the seaward, or the “C” word to you non-Arrested Development fans and those who follow and understand English. Apparently we’re supposed to care about the slur, but what’s more shocking to me is that Peter Tolan is developing something without Dennis Leary, and Mathew Perry is still able to find work. It appears being married to Courtney Cox, be it in real life or in fiction, is terrible for your career.

There is talk of a Weeds spinoff in the works with Conrad and presumably Heylia. Normally I would applaud such a decision being that these are/were two of the better actors/characters on the series. But the writers are overwhelmed as it is since they seem to be making it up as they go with the Botwins, so I don’t know if they can handle the workload of writing for two series. And a new writing staff generally doesn’t write for already developed characters all that well (see: Family Guy).

Speaking of which, despite it slagging in quality, Weeds’ fourth season premiere brought Showtime the biggest audience it has ever had. It seems like this is a common theme for series’ on premium networks. That theme being, whenever one of their series’ takes an abnormally long hiatus, the premiere for the following season brings in a huge number (see: Sopranos season four premiere).

Steve Carell promises to be on board with The Office for at least three more seasons. We’re probably at a point now where the series could survive without him, but I am still amazed at his loyalty. This is like if Clooney were still on ER. Also in the link he states that he is fully expecting Amy Ryan to return for the fifth season, which gives the series more star power than any series we can remember.

We think she’s on to his fake serial killer ruse.

Actually, that honor might go to Damages, who is sporting a cast made up of Glenn Close, Ted Danson & now William Hurt. At this point, this series could just as easily be confused with an 80’s movie. Throw in a Michael Douglas or Emilio Estevez for a strong lead and BOOM! That shit would be box office gold twenty-five years ago.

I hate to crush everyone’s hopes, but Lyndsay Lohan is waiting until 2009 to submit her work on Ugly Betty for Emmy consideration. I know, just when you think things are looking on the up and up for her, she’s going to have to miss out on the booze soaked awards show.

US Magazine did a countdown of top reality TV villains. Omarosa led the pack, followed by some guy named Spencer Pratt, Johnny Fairplay and Puck from Real World: San Fransisco rounded out the top four. Um, I remember Omarosa from the first season of Apprentice, and she was a little loopy and a bit accusatory, but beyond that she wasn’t terribly villainous, just comical. Puck, on the other hand, verbally berated a terminally ill AIDS victim pretty much until he was dead and buried. What did Omarosa or “Spencer”– if that is your real name — ever do to top that?

Jason Bateman is now under contract with FOX to create series for them. This is great and all, but isn’t FOX the same network that canceled the critically acclaimed series that he was the lead actor on? Doesn’t this seem like a conflict of interests? He claims to be an “avid consumer of television”. In non-Hollywood speak that generally means you’re a lazy ass, not someone who creates multiple series for a broadcast network. This might not end well.

Finally, given that we have watched Meet The Press every week for the past two or three years, we would be amiss if we didn’t say something about Tim Russert, whose objective and impartial analysis and questioning represented the last bastion of respectable journalism on television. We have no idea who NBC will choose to replace him with, but whoever it is, those shoes he left behind will prove to be too big to fill. His absence will be palpable for years to come.

Links or something similar tomorrow.

This is the second half of our Sopranos-Wire season ranking (there is no good shorthand for this description). Let me just preface this by saying that even though these seasons fell in the second half, each and every one of them is immensely enjoyable and thought-provoking, but in the work of splitting hairs, these fall by the wayside. In fact, this second half will probably be really disagreeable for people who are fans of both series’. See the top six seasons of these two shows here.

7) The Sopranos - Season three

Best Episodes: “Employee of The Month”, “University”, “Pine Barrens”, “Amour Fou”

As far as fan favorites go, this and season one of The Sopranos probably rank one and two. Which has always surprised m, because season three is when this show redirects itself as a predominately morbid drama rather than a casual satire. Season three was building towards it, and you can pinpoint it to a single incident that they made the leap: When Ralphie killed his pregnant mistress in “University”…and Tony ended up letting him live. Through two and a half seasons we had almost come to admire some of these characters, especially Tony, and that wasn’t David Chase’s intent at all. So he managed to keep Ralphie as his antagonist, and make everyone else just as despicable as he thought they should be.

The Wire - Season two

Best Episodes: “Hot Shots”, “All Prologue”, “Storm Warnings”, “Port In A Storm”

Probably the least favorite season of hardcore Wire fans, mainly because it is the whitest and it was so startling coming of the street corner filled first season for the series to make such a dramatic shift to the loading docks. Simon’s obsession with parallelism and institutions is at its most raw here. We see Nick Sobotka (D’Angelo), Ziggy (Wallace) & Frank (Avon, we guess) playing a working class mirror image of their drug cartel counterpart. This season, in hindsight, was absolutely necessary. You can’t capture the image of a city until the plight of the working underclass is depicted, and if he had left this storyline out, he would have been ignoring a dominate sect of the population.

9) The Sopranos - Season Four

Best Episodes: “No Show”, “The Weight”, “Whoever Did This”, “Eloise”, “Whitecaps”

This season is most memorable for the separation that concluded probably the darkest and dreariest season of television that we can recall. There was a solid eighteen month hiatus in between seasons three and four, and during the layover 9/11 happened. There was some debate as to whether or not they would keep the shot of the towers in the opening credits and Chase opted against it under the premise that the series is supposed to reflect the day it is airing. And holy shit does he take that moniker seriously.

Chase always tried to reflect the times in his art. This season, the one following 9/11, was appropriately hopeless in more ways than one. As we were treated to tales of suicide, kids taking arrows through the chest, Tony’s murderous obsession with animals, red herrings, dementia and everything else in between. A work of art, without question, but one that few people can watch a second time.

Few things spark more warmth in the heart of a mobster than a horse who unknowingly and unwillingly runs races for you.

10) The Sopranos - Season Two

Best Episodes: “Commendatori”, “The Happy Wanderer”, “D-Girl”, “Full Leather Jacket”

This is where me and your average fan will more commonly butt heads. I’ve always felt that season two was too much of a replica of season one, and instead of building on the themes they laid out in the debut, they just rehashed the same points repeatedly. This season, even more so than one, is the most sympathetic to Tony Soprano and his ilk, but they gave us super-villain Richie Aprile, Furio, and introduced us to Janice, so it wasn’t in any way a total loss. This was by far the funniest season and the plot development, with everything from Chris’ shooting to his aspirations as a screenwriter, Tony’s waffling on therapy, Melfi’s professional conflicts and Big Puss’s demise are handled brilliantly. It just  comparatively brought little to the table in terms of actual subtext and character development.

11) The Wire - Season Five

Best Episodes: “Transitions”, “Clarifications”, “Late Editions”, “-30″

Fake serial killers, newspapers, politics, drugs, cops, robbers, internal conflict…Basically we thought this season of The Wire tried to do too much. It still turned into a phenomenal closing chapter, but there was much bitching about the lack of depth to essentially all of the newspaper characters sans Gus, and we attribute this to being the largest cast they’ve ever had, along with their shortest season by and episode and a half (the finale was ninety minutes). They gave the series a proper and satisfying conclusion, but the introduction of about ten new characters dropped it in these rankings considerably.

We’re not going to attest to the believability of the portrayal of the newsroom, because we’ve never worked in one, but so many of the characters were often one-dimensional caricatures that we weren’t used to seeing, if they had done a sixth season and fleshed them out, we probably wouldn’t feel this way. In short, given the scale of this series, it was almost impossible to end it appropriately, but we were more than pleased with the final product.

12) The Sopranos - Season 6A

Best Episodes: “Join The Club”, “Mr. & Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request”, “The Ride”, Cold Stones”

This wasn’t technically a full season, and we wonder if maybe we have it cellar-dwelling on this list, but this almost seemed like it was biding time for HBO just so they could squeeze a few more episodes out of a hit series. Still, they provided us with issues of homosexuality, drug use, traditional masculinity and theology. Actually, the series would have seemed small if not for these twelve episodes.

This season, even more so than the season that Tony almost died in, will probably be remembered as the Vito season more so than anything, and I’ve always maintained about Vito that when he is killed, you’re supposed to sympathize with why he was killed, not that he actually was. Vito, much like 95% of the characters on this series, was a scumbag. He had killed an innocent bystander in just the episode beforehand. His death wasn’t tragic in that it took place, but rather because of the intolerance that drove it.

There it is. Our highly opinionated and subjective list. If you apply twelve points for the best season and one point for the worst, then divide the total by the number of seasons for each series, you get an average score of 7.2 for The Wire and The Sopranos clocks in at an even 6, which is much closer than it appears. If 6A of The Sopranos had switched places with season two of The Wire, David Chase’s series would have come out victorious. However, by our flawed, statistical measure, The Wire was the better overall series. Again, this is highly debatable and we welcome any opposing point of view, but just be sure that whatever your opinion is, assuming it isn’t identical to ours, is dead fucking wrong and you should be ashamed.

Back with links or something tomorrow.

For all the hype this series seems to get, it’s good to see their season premiere’s, particularly this one, are essentially like every season premiere for every TV series: 90% setup & recalibrating the past season, 10% plot development.

For this episode, and for a lot of Weeds episodes, it’s hard to tell when the plot is developing and when we are just listening to another throwaway conversation, because everything pivotal moment seems to be delivered with the same methodic and partly annoyed tone that a conversation about birds shitting all over the place would be. So the story kind of happens with everyone just casually sitting around discussing a dog barking doorbell or a terminally sick grandmother while Nancy sips an iced latte and everyone looks to her for answers.

This isn’t to say the episode didn’t have its moments. We love the change of location to a coastal city somewhere along the Mexican border called Ren Mar, we’re going to assume it is just as fictional as Agrestic and Majestic were, but if someone wants to enlighten us otherwise it would be much appreciated. If nothing else, it should give us a couple new characters in addition to Albert Brooks as Judah and Andy’s father who hates Nancy.

This series needs Doug Wilson like The Sopranos needs Tony.

Then again, one concern related to the move is how in the hell are they going to transplant Doug, Isabelle and Dean into the picture for the long haul. They could end up doing some sort of networking from whatever is left of Majestic, in which Nancy is supplying drugs to Doug, Sanjay or Celia for the entire city/suburb. Either way, they just need to make sure Doug is getting his reps.

Speaking of the selling of drugs, why is Nancy still so determined to commit illegal activity and put her family, particularly her sons in harms way? Is she still really indebted to Guillermo for anything? Probably in the drug trade she is, but she is actively seeking him out and is fully prepared to carry drugs across the border for a violent Latino gang. We understand there is no show without this, but how and why should I sympathize with her if she seems to actively enjoy selling drugs, whereas before it was depicted as a means to an end? Listening to her get excited for early retirement by way of becoming a drug mule was painful. You’re a pawn not a kingpin, Nancy. Haven’t you ever watched The Wire? Oh, that’s right, no one involved with this show has.

Still, we’re anticipating to see where they take this show. All that really happened in terms of forward progress was that Nancy & Andy decided to stay at his grandmother’s with his dad while they think of a more suitable venture. That’s it. If you watched the entire three seasons that preceded this episode but missed last night’s for whatever reason, then congratulations! You are now all caught up. Oh, and while Celia is under heavy interrogation for drug cultivation and distribution, everyone else is pinning the blame on her while she tries to pin it on Nancy. See, sometimes it doesn’t pay to be a heartless bitch.

It is a frequent topic of debate amongst TV internet nerds of which series is better: The Wire or The Sopranos. Now, you can find more people (not necessarily all of them are nerds) who’ll tell you the latter, but generally speaking, the defenders of the former are much more ardent. We’re not sure if it’s a (justified) inferiority complex or what, but whenever we talk to a staunch Wire fan, it turns into a pontification from both sides.

For the most part it’s absurd to even bother comparing the two. One focuses on internal and familial conflict, the other on social and institutional decay and corruption. I’ve always been in the camp that thought The Wire was better, simply for the wider range of characters, it broke more television formalities and as far as universal accomplishment, they did what The Sopranos did better than The Sopranos did what The Wire did. Or something.

In other words, I think they accomplished more on The Wire. But why not take this a step further? This madness hasn’t gone far enough, I say. Let’s rank all twelve (Yes, I am counting season six as 6A & 6B, because they are so different in style and tone and were separated by eight months) seasons of the two historic series’ and unveil which ultimately scores a higher average rating. According to me.

1) The Wire - Season Four

Best Episodes: Each on is as good as the next. Fucking impossible to discern one episode as better than the other.

Probably the greatest season of television ever made. Coming into it fans were probably a little skeptical, no more Stringer Bell, Avon’s locked up & McNulty’s on the straight and narrow because Dominic West needed the free time to shoot 300. Never the less, they captured so many facets of the city, including the eroding public education in urban areas, and illustrated how all of these violent characters we’ve actually come to sympathize with became what they became.

In the absence of an entire street gang (sans Bodie, whose arc this season was one of the more tragic and poetic things we’ve ever seen on film) Simon developed several up until now peripheral characters to give the street the chilling allure it always had and increased the danger it represented (namely Chris and Snoop, played amazingly by Felicia Pearson & some guys name I have to copy and paste: Gbenga Akinnagbe). In other words, we’ll never look at vacant houses the same.

2) The Sopranos - Season five

Best Episodes: “Unidentified Black Males”, “Long Term Parking”, “Irregular Around The Margins”, “Where’s Johnny?”

Your average casual Sopranos fan was generally a blood thirsty sycophant whose motives for watching the series week to week were simply to see who would take one in the head. After season three, we waited well over a year for season four and by the time it ended, the majority of fans longed for the days of plot and an emphasis on casual violence. Season five filled that void (the body count was the second highest of any of the thirteen episode seasons), and filled it quickly with numerous prison releases which included Tony Blundetto (Steve Buscemi) and Phil Leotardo (Frank Vincent, it was only a matter of time before he ended up on this series).

Of the seven seasons David Chase gave us, this was the best culmination of plot, humor, character development, themes and symbolism. Nowadays it gets tossed aside because so many people were displeased with seasons four and six (particularly the first half) that it is easier to say “the first three seasons were better” than to actually distinguish season five from the two surrounding it. But still, this was The Sopranos finest thirteen hours of execution.

One of many inappropriate encounters.

3) The Sopranos - Season 6B

Best Episodes: “Remember When”, “Kennedy and Heidi”, “Walk Like A Man”, “Made In America”

The final chapter ended a little more somberly than most of us wanted/expected. Instead of being treated to nine hours of gangland warfare (Sans “The Blue Comet”) we got Yeats poems and gambling addictions. But if it didn’t explore the depths of depravity and David Chase’s ultimately cynical outlook on humanity in a morbidly entertaining fashion. We had been entertained and provoked by this series for 77 episodes, but rarely were any of those episodes exceeded by what we were privy to in the final nine.

4) The Wire - Season One

Best Episodes: “The Buys”, “Cleaning Up”, “Lessons”, “Sentencing”

This is the season of television kind of changed our outlook on many things — including how television could and should be made — so in that respect it could head this list. But there were still a few stylistic glitches that David Simon had to work out, but this is possibly the closest to first place any fourth place finisher has ever been for anything. It was baffling at first, and you had to almost train yourself to watch it, but the unparalleled parallelism, succinct yet thorough character introduction and convincing case against the war on drugs puts The Wire’s freshman effort in a comfortable fourth.

5) The Wire - Season Three

Best Episodes: “Dead Soldiers”, “Moral Midgetry”, “Middle Ground”, “Straight and True”

This is where it gets tricky. Simply because putting any of these seasons lower than five seems unjust in a way. I mean, who’s to separate the firs season of The Sopranos from the second season of The Wire? On what basis to I justify putting one in front of the other?

Essentially, we’re putting the Hamsterdam season in the five spot simply for the way it ended what they thought might be a series finale but left enough room for a new run, which must have been daunting. Oh, and the concept of Hamsterdam as it related to the drug game and our ineffectiveness to slow it down (there was a war going on while Hamsterdam was in place), plus the overwhelming yet subtle theme of reform and the allegory for the war in Iraq, really solidified this as a premiere season of television.

6) The Sopranos - Season one

Best Episodes: “Boca”, “College”, “The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti”, “I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano”

Not as confusing as the first season or pilot of The Wire, in fact it is in several ways similar to a standard mob piece. But the compounding of family life with thug life with therapy and the intersecting and contradicting nature of the three turned Tony Soprano into one of the more complicated and despicable and relatable television characters ever created. Season one of The Sopranos is probably as much a comedy as it is a drama, when you watch it now it seems almost cartoonish when compared to more recent seasons. But even then, this series was so meticulous with its writing that you could see the direction it was heading in (i.e. all these people are really fucked in the head).

We’ll come back with the second half on Wednesday. Weeds recap tomorrow.

When it comes to Marie Louise Parker’s and Jenji Kohan’s Showtime dramedy Weeds, we’ve waffled as much on this show as any in the past. For one thing, the text and tone of the series is original. A spoiled, upper-middle class housewife is suddenly widowed, then forced to deal with the economic reality of maintaining the lifestyle her and her kids have become accustomed too without that massive paycheck that her dearly departed was bringing home.

At first we were relatively enamored with the series, and thought the second season improved on its debut. Maybe we were running low on television to watch and needed something to cling to, but after watching this third season, they seemed out of new ideas, and the third season turned into a fifteen episode long nosedive that ended as conveniently as possible. The problem is, while Nancy has never been perfect (though the show has always wanted us to root for her), she became almost completely unlikable during the third season. Everyone, whether it was Conrad, Heylia, Silas, whoever she is fucking at the time, is put into some kind of danger just by associating with her.

There is a little self-awareness throughout the season. One scene in particular when Nancy confesses to Andy that she did, in fact, play a part in Peter’s (The CIA agent she was technically married to) death. Not that she intentionally sought to have him murdered, but rather that by virtue of knowing her, he died. Andy offers up a hilarious but not quite accurate analogy (paraphrasing): “I taught Natalie something how to give her first blow job, three years later her boyfriend drove his car into a river while she was giving him head and they both died. Does that make me a murderer? No, it makes me a good teacher. And her boyfriend a bad driver.”

It’s moments like these that make the series redeemable, because they speak to the motives and logic of the characters. These moments were few and far between, and there was little interlacing of storylines that worked so well in the first two seasons. So what do they do instead of trying to work through it? They have Nancy and her new Mexican business partner/eventual fuck buddy burn down the city in a brush fire, which the series still manages to blame partly on global warming.

In short, the season seemed aimless, and filled with too many new, one-dimensional, unlikable and uninteresting characters (namely Peter’s ex-wife, the motorcycle gang, the latino gang, Sullivan). You can be unlikable, and still be a worthy screen presence, see: virtually every show with its own category to the left. But this just seemed to jump from scene to scene with little or no connection to anything that has taken place. Character’s emotions and intentions seemed to shift dramatically with no explanation for why they did so, and there was just too much failed humor.

That can be chalked up to a limited amount of Justin Kirk and Kevin Nealon. By far, the two funniest (and by extension) and most interesting characters. Kevin spends the season butting heads with the city council of majestic, and has some brilliant lines about the nature of political elections and he simply epitomizes how low-brow politics tend to be. Kirk spent the third season trying to get out of the Army (in what was probably the series’ most absurd plot line in three seasons) then the rest of it hitting on disgusting biker women and fucking porn stars with his three toed foot.

We have to admit, his inability to fit in was hilarious.

Not that they were completely wasted, but doing a borderline slapstick comedy that centered on these two would be world’s better than what they produced this season. We don’t necessarily think everyone else is irredeemable, but these are the two comedic highlights, and for a series that is supposed to be a satirical comedy, they sure were underused.

Another complaint about the series is how proud of itself it appears to be. A series has never been so unapologetically liberal and completely hostile to the other side of the argument, yet these people really feel like their making a difference by having Andy say something along the lines of, “the war in Iraq is for oil”. Wow, what a terribly unique and original concept. I mean, it hasn’t been made a talking point for the last five or six years or anything.

Look, I have no problem with a series taking a stand on certain political issues, or even unabashedly aligning itself with a political party (The Wire has certainly made its thoughts clear on No Child Left Behind and the war on drugs). But there are sensible and rational ways of doing this, and then there is Weeds, who seem more offended by religion being taught in schools than their protagonist participating in drive-byes.

Again, we know it’s satire, but when you are going to attempt to voice an opinion very controversial issues, you can’t have it both ways. We’re not going to take you seriously when your series revolves around a woman who drinks iced lattes all day, but in the peripheral has the Army killing its own soldiers for essentially no reason. If you want to see what intelligent, nuanced, scathing social commentary looks like, Mrs. Kohan should watch The Sopranos or Mad Men for her queues.

All this aside, we’re still tuning into the fourth season Monday night to see if they can recover from the drudgery that was their third season. We think the new setting might help, but are dutifully unimpressed that they needed to revamp the entire series after a paltry three seasons. Christ, even Nip Tuck waited until its fifth, and it spans over the course of several years. If you’re looking for a half hour comedy to compare it too, Curb waited until the end of its sixth season to have Larry and Cheryl separate for good.

Considering each Weeds season picks up in the same scene that the season before it left off, three seasons for them equates to what? Maybe six weeks? If you look at it that way, Nancy Botwin has managed to go from dealing dime bags to her neighbors, to being an accomplice in several murders, to burning down her entire town in a bout of gang warfare, it looks even more ridiculous. Her little “I tried, Judah” memoriam right before she burnt down her own house and pulled off on a segway (seriously) was hard to take literally.

We’re going to cut it short here and not even delve into how tiresome it is that Nancy’s genitals manage to get her out of every situation. Relative to the website, maybe we’re too forgiving, too loyal to series’ we begin watching on appointment. But this series has so much potential that it wasted in season three, were optimistic that it will turn things around in its new setting hopefully with more Silas, Shane, Andy and Doug; and less caricature gangsters, Celia (whose appeal we understand but we just see her as vile), and essentially everything else that didn’t involve Conrad or Heylia.

That’s it for the week, have a good weekend.

…And we’re back, we took yesterday off for personal reasons. I.E, we felt/feel like shit and any post we would have thrown up on the page might as well have been written in Swahili it would be so incoherent. We’re still a little under the weather so this will definitely be an abbreviated post, but it is better than nothing. Just a little FX binger, to brighten up your day.

It’s Always Sunny creators have asked Bon Jovi to provide a cameo in an upcoming episode in which they buy his arena football league team. This is a fucking excellent premise, and since we do not much care for Bon Jovi we’re kind of hoping he turns down the offer, giving the writers an open window to mock his absurd “music”. We look to Springsteen for our Jersey rock.

See, they’ve already mocked Bon Jovi. Kind of.

Tatum O’Neal, despite recent disprovable drug allegations, is welcome back on the Rescue Me set. Well, it’s a big day for Grid Effect’s favorites. Much like Bon Jovi, we could do without O’Neal on this series, but we wish Buttermaker’s step-daughter all the best.

At least one good thing came out of the writer’s strike: FX canceled Dirt. This is a dark day for people who watch shows solely because the lead actress was integral to one of their favorite shows of all time, so I won’t rejoice too much. We’ve made perfectly clear our feelings on Dirt.

FX: we can never tell where you stand amongst other cable networks, your series’ seem to fluctuate in quality more so than any other cable or broadcast network. Which, sadly enough, probably makes you the most watchable network, because at least it fluctuates.

Alan Sepinwall has done a follow up on The Sopranos finale a year to the day after its original airing. We have nothing else to write about, so we figured why not steal the premise and offer up our thoughts.

We’ve gone through a lot this past year in the television industry. A writer’s strike, the end of The Wire, the worst of our carpal-tunnel…but it has seemed even longer as a result of The Sopranos no longer being around. In a way, the series was fairly exhausting to watch: death, betrayal, family, the individual & the American experiment were all prevalent themes; and virtually all of them were always viewed as myopically corrupted.

The penultimate episode (”The Blue Comet”) might have been the most tension filled hour of television I’ve ever witnessed. For an entire hour, the New Jersey mob is being exterminated, and we were rendered sitting ducks to see who will and will not survive. The tone, the settings, the pacing all made for an exhaustingly suspenseful episode of television.

So as its cancellation approached, one would think for a series with such a negative and disturbing world view, that finale’s airing would be not only welcomed and anticipated, but when those credits fell, it would also invoke a sense of relief.

The problem being, those credits and their abruptness became a point of widely speculated argument and theory. All of a sudden, instead of being a moment of satisfying liberation, for many fans, the finale was just a source of frustration in an already frustrating world. There would be no closure, only debate: Was Tony killed? Was he not killed? Have we seen the man in the Members Only jacket before? Have we seen anyone in Holsten’s before? David Chase, a man clearly suffering from his own trepidation about the state of the country and the globe, would provide many of his most loyal fans no joy in what he seems to believe to be a joyless world.

This guy? Seriously? You can’t be serious.

But still, a year later and many of us are still speculating. All of the completely disprovable theories have since been disproven, and the debate falls largely in the “was it or wasn’t it a success?” and “was Tony killed?” categories. There is a myriad of reasons for this endless debate. The writer’s strike may have deprived us of a deterrent, no series has been released with nearly as much of an impact, nothing as great and as popular has aired since. All of these are valid, but I would venture to argue that this seemingly endless debate is indicative of a successful series finale.

David Chase is either unwilling or unable to explain what the contents of that final scene actually entail. Instead has opted for vague, non-committal, non-answers that could basically mean anything. We’ve adamantly placed ourselves with the perspective that Tony, for all his money and capitalistic success, leads a miserable, virtually joyless life. And by that same token, his punishment is he is forced to live with his miserable self, just as we’ve seen him do for the past six seasons.

He claims he wants to live, but his entire life is one of fear and disgust: fear of execution or incarceration, disgust with himself and everything around him. So really, what is he getting out of life. At one point in season two (and I’m not going to rehash my entire argument you can read that here, here, here and here, but we’ve been rewatching some of the series and this seemed relevant), Tony is talking to Melfi, completely frightened about getting arraigned on the Bevelaukwa murder. He states (paraphrasing), “Once my kids go to college, the federal Government can do anything they want with me, lock me up, throw away the key, give me the chair, I don’t care”.

At a point where Meadow is looking at a successful career as a corporate defense attorney before turning into her mom (before then she will be her dad) and AJ looking at a career in entertainment, the above quote would seem to indicate a certain indifference to the remainder of his life.

With that aside, this finale has done something that none before it has ever accomplished: sparked argument over its meaning for a full year. And even as dismissive as we were to the argument that Tony took a bullet to the dome a la Cheese Wagstaff, this fine fellow has written over 20,000 words constructing that very point. This person could actually be a monkey chained to a desk and we’d still give credence to the other side. 20,000 words on anything even remotely coherent means there is room to ponder.

So for my dismissive tone, if anyone is/was offended, I apologize. But for a full year, we maintain the same argument as it seems the most practical. And for a series that has prided itself on a lack of sensationalism (relatively speaking), making Tony Soprano’s death a debatable point seems cheap and unrepresented by the rest of the series.

I come from a rather tolling weekend as the bearer of good news: in only one week we’ll actually have a television series to discuss. Well, eight days. Weeds’ 4th season premiere airs a week from today, given us fodder for Tuesday’s post. The at times unbearably self-satisfied and unapologetically liberal series just might be the saving grace for this blog. It’s a shame we’ve had to lower our standards so, but it is what it is.

In the meantime, we will, of course, be offering more of the same. Here are some links to kick off your work week. We might take a break from this and do a list of some sort before the week is out.

New York Magazine wonders what is up with all these crazy women on reality television? Because apparently NYM has never understood the concept of ratings. It’s not like a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest type of situation. Either these women are hamming it up for attention or they were borderline dysfunctional/certifiable long before they were cast on some reality series, and that is why they were cast on some reality series. You could just as easily make one of these lists for male reality stars, particularly Real World cast members.

Jimmy Kimmel is only slightly slagging in ratings behind Conan O’Brien, who is now looking like a suspicious candidate to replace Leno. Say what you will about Leno, we certainly have, but he’s a surefire ratings cannon. Maybe some of O’Brien’s viewership is falling off because they are waiting for him to be bumped up an hour? But while we’ve defended him in the past, losing nights to Craig Ferguson and Kimmel now being viable competition, it stands to wonder if this isn’t a sign of things to come. It is almost like jumping in front of a camera and making cat noises doesn’t have any staying power.

Some writer for some shitty newspaper believes the problem with the Obama imitation on Saturday Night Live isn’t that Fred Armisen is white, but rather that he doesn’t capture Obama’s charisma. Yeah, because mocking imitations for comedic effect only work when they are extremely flattering. Norm McDonald really personified a realistic and fair minded portrayal of Bob Dole, that’s what made it one of the better impersonations in the show’s history. Its accuracy.

If only they gave him more credit for being affable, this would be hilarious.

Survivor: Gabon is behind schedule. Apparently shipping has turned into something of a hassle, and makes it all the more clear why disaster relief is so wildly inefficient in this country and around the world. A private company can’t even supply a TV show with enough goods to film for thirty-nine days, what chance does anyone have in the wake of tragedy?

Semi-related, John Slattery admits to watching Progect Runway, and takes a shot at Survivor while doing so, “What I like is the show is about the creativity, not just, ‘Let’s vote the biggest asshole off the island.’” You take it back John Slattery, how dare you trivialize our guilty pleasure to compliment your guilty pleasure. Why can’t you be more like Vincent Kartheiser and simply say the show you like, then fail to offer an explanation for why you would like something so tedious and trite.

HBO forced a local Baltimore purse shop to change its name from “Handbags In The City” to “Handbags and The City”. I’m just glad to see they’re not picking on the little guy. That store was profiting marginally from using a ridiculously stupid pun on one of their show titles that hasn’t been on the air for four years without proper copyright access. Damn right they have to change that sentence connector. No free passes when it comes to similar language.

And finally, if you’re all clamoring to know what John Stamos has been up to — Like all of us — well, here is your answer. I couldn’t read the article, I fell into mild paralysis with elation that Jesse does indeed have more projects on the way.

That’s all we’ve got, I hope your day goes as quick as mine will slow.

We’ve never done one of these for a Friday or Saturday night. One, because these two nights are generally where series’ go to die. Two, even if they weren’t, no one watches television on weekend nights, and if they do, the viewing preference tends to be either sports or film. And three, it’s rare if there are even series’ on any of the major channels, usually it’s some sort of variety show or a five year old movie. So doing a preview for that always seemed pointless, but that is where we are with this television blog. Willfully writing posts we know are pointless. And even more so than usual!

NBC

8pm: Most Outrageous Moments

We’ve commented on this series before, as we did not really understand the context. But it looks like it is the exact same format as America’s Funniest Home Videos with a more ambiguous title and wholesome show host. Not exactly our cup of tea, but we understand its mainstream appeal, few Americans find anything funnier than someone repeatedly being kicked in the groin. “Haha, he’ll never be able to bear children. It’s hilarious!”

9-11pm: Dateline

We’re not avid viewers of the magazine journalism series, but if you look at its webpage, it seems like the show’s sole reason for existence is to make you believe that everyone you see in public poses some imminent threat. To which I say: Good for them. We do not have nearly enough paranoia in this country. I’m just glad to see someone has taken up the cause of keeping us all on our toes.

ABC

8pm: AFV

Alright, this is actually an abbreviated acronym for America’s Funniest Home Videos. Why is it abbreviated? Well, because there is no “H” for home. Where did the “H” go, though? They probably did some market research that revealed that people do not respond kindly to the letter because it reminds them of “Hussein”, or people do not like four letter acronyms because they’re generally the territory of some fringe lobbyist group, like PETA.

Anyhow, the strike has brought us home video shows going head to head in a primetime slot. The ramifications of this are yet to be determined. We’ll have to wait a few years to see if this is a good thing that it’s at least done on a Friday night, or if it’s a bad thing that it’s taking place at all.

9pm: According To Jim

Back to back repeats on a Friday night….Well, it’s good to see our evening plans have been made for us. Few things are more rewarding on a warm Summer night in June than curling up on the couch to watch a full hour (with commercials!) of G-rated “That’s what she said” jokes.

10pm: 20/20

Outside of According To Jim, NBC and ABC are essentially mirror images of each other tonight. If I’m planning on watching any of this swill tonight, I’m going to NBC for my wacky “caught on camera” clip show, then heading over to ABC for the superior TV journalism, and that is despite my intense hatred for all things ABC.

FOX

8-10pm: White Chicks

One day they’ll look back and say, “those were the glory days”.

Wow, FOX isn’t even trying. I mean, they are mailing in an entire evening of subpar ratings with a subpar movie that no one watched when it came out. Get ready to be destroyed by According To Jim reruns. I mean, they could have at least sprung for Deuce Bigalow. It’s still tripe, but it’s tripe that drew a decent box office.

CBS

8-10pm: Ghost Whisperer

It appears Friday night in June is repeat night for the networks. Unless you’re doing hard-hitting journalism like investigating a murder that took place ten years ago, you are going into the vault. Speaking of Ghost Whisperer, we mentioned earlier that Friday night is where network series’ go to die, so is the Jennifer Lover Hewitt vehicle the longest running Friday night series of all time? It’s been about five years, has anything in recent history even come close without being moved to a more desirable slot? there’s a feather in your cap, Miss Hewitt.

10pm: Numbers

Yes, I’m aware the title has the number “3″ in place of the lowercase “e”. But we’re not quite willing to acknowledge that as part of the lexicon. Sorry Numbers fans. Anyhow, we’re familiar with this series for one reason and one reason only, this is the series that pulled Diane Farr off of Rescue Me. The lone interesting (albeit often hypocritical) female character in the firehouse (or on the entire series, really). So fuck you, Numbers. Being on Friday night means you’re not long for this world and we couldn’t be any happier.

Those are your options for tonight. If you’re like most people, and you like to get out one night and stay in on the other during your weekends, we recommend getting out tonight, because tomorrow literally can’t be any worse.

Also, one quick note before parting ways, Alan Sepinwall’s second Wire recap has been posted. If you were a fan of the series, we strongly encourage reading not only this one, but all of them. As far as we know, no one has dissected the first season episode by episode. At least not in this detail. Enjoy.

What makes a Thursday morning better than average? When you can return to writing the same tired useless bullshit that you always did, without feeling guilty because you never tried anything new. No, instead you get to feel guilty because you tried and it failed miserably. Your welcome, 451 press!

So here are some links to help tide you over while we wait patiently for Weeds to kick off its fourth season. But even then our expectations are nil after the most recent effort. We have some issues with that series that we’ll address in our season three recap that will be posted sometime late next week before the June 16th premiere. In the meantime, enjoy reading whatever I can trudge up here.

Alan Sepinwall, probably one of the better TV critics around, only had his blog for the last two seasons of The Wire, of which he wrote detailed recaps for every episode. So instead of letting all reasonable obligations end like that, he’s going back to the pilot episode, and writing a weekly recap for every episode in the first season. Not only that, but he’s doing two separate recaps for each episode, one for people who have seen the entire series, and one for people just tuning in. This is something we would contemplate doing if we had the time, patience, interest or resources to actually see it through.

Here are your top ten series’ with opening credit narrations. It’s tedious, pointless and ultimately kind of idiotic, but we read and enjoyed it anyways. Who doesn’t love a good list?

Mad Men will have moved forward past Don Draper sitting on his steps alone for Thanksgiving for the start of the second season. It didn’t end the first season with the characters in peril, and the season two premiere won’t pick up with them in the same exact scene. In other words, it isn’t Weeds. For which we can all be thankful.

The quintessential American romance.

Comparing and contrasting the strengths and weaknesses of the American and British versions of The Office. Seems like apples and oranges at this point. I mean, the American version has had four seasons, three of which are longer than the entire series of its British predecessor. Next week, I’m writing a post about the dichotomy between The Critic and South Park, mainly because they’re both animated.

Speaking of which, South Park will be available on HD for DirectTV subscribers. It’s a widely known fact that watching comedy in HD makes everything exponentially funnier. Its like being stoned, but on technological advancement.

Rescue Me “minisodes” will debut on June 24th, we might have mentioned that on this site. I know we mentioned the eventual existence of them, but no confident that we had a date. Either way, here it is. I, for one, am tickled to see what exactly a minisode is, other than a thematic commercial.

What a surprise, Mad Men and The Wire lead the way in nominations at the Critic’s Awards. Really, there is nothing comparable in quality, originality and style to these series’ on television. Lost can go fuck itself.

And finally, our other national nightmare might come to an end. Eventually. The Simpsons is guaranteed at least a total of twenty seasons, but for some reason it is speculated that after that 20th season, the series will come to an end. We’d be elated, but we’ll believe it when we see it. The show is an institution, but a crumbling one that needs to go away.

That’s it for today, expect a nightly preview tomorrow.

This is the final chapter of our strung out for blog posts epic. We’d like to say this worked out well, doing impromptu fictional posts about real executives at NBC, but if anything, it proved we need to do an outline before attempting this again, and we need to get our name off of this website.

Silverman: Why? Do you need a loan after your losing run last night.

Ebersol: Not exactly….Uh, where’s Bob?

Silverman: Just sleeping it off in the other room. All the women left a couple hours ago.

Ebersol:  Well, let me just get to the point then. The network began to see you not as a potential asset, but as a liability. And given your often decadent lifestyle, they wanted me to catch you in a compromising position so they would have enough leverage to force you out quietly.

Silverman: Wow. I did feel like something was afoot.

Ebersol: You’re kidding, how?

Silverman: Come on, Dick! You’re a smart guy, there’s no way you could have possibly thought that doing an ad campaign for NBC sports would boost our ratings.

Ebersol: (Collapses head in hands) I fucking knew that would seem like bullshit.

Silverman: Relax, at least you came clean about it.

Ebersol: Anyway, this is the recorder they gave me, it probably caught a bit of you last night though I haven’t confirmed that.

Silverman: This fucking thing. Were you wearing this the whole time?

Ebersol: Just from dinner on.

Silverman: Jesus!

Ebersol: I’m sorry, Ben.

Silverman: Is it sending a feed to a van out in the parking lot or something?

Ebersol: No, I think it’s just a digital recorder, not a transmitter.  Is this going to be a problem?

Silverman steps on recording device, rips the wires for it in half.

Silverman: Not anymore.

Ebersol: Look, what do you want me to say to them. I’ll deliver any message you ask.

Silverman: Let me handle it. Can I ask, why did you come clean? You had all the incentive in the world to just play the middle man.

Ebersol: A series of things, I saw what you did for Bob, you actually kept your word and were willing to meet this morning, and you seem to have a decent case against the rest of the board, even though I think you’re handling it incorrectly.

Silverman: Was this all Jeff’s idea?

Ebersol: Not at all. I mean, he authorized it. But was reluctant to do so. It seemed to mostly be Rich and Marc Graboff’s doing. Everyone else kind of passively agreed with a little insistence from Mike.

Silverman: Wow, none of that surprises me.

Costas: (Yawn) It’s tired in here.

Silverman: Go back to bed Bob, You’ll need the sleep for what I have planned tonight.

Costas: I’m just getting some juice.

Costas returns to his bedroom.

Ebersol: Are you sure you want to take care of this on your own?

Cut to the following Monday morning, Zucker invites Silverman in for a one on one, still hasn’t heard from Ebersol.

Silverman: So what did you want to talk about?

Zucker: Your behavior as of late.

Silverman: Mine? Shit, you should have seen Costas this weekend.

Zucker: That was isolated. Your continuous disregard for our opinions, your crass, drunken malaise, we do not have the time or success for such insubordination.

Silverman: Dick couldn’t produce anything, huh?

Zucker: Excuse me? What would he produce, exactly?

Silverman: I found the recorder and destroyed it. Now since your ploy fell through, you are trying to reason with me. Well, I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be placated. At last not easily.

Zucker: I still have no idea what you’re talking about.

Silverman: Yes you do. And the only way you’re going to make this right is to one, fire Rich Cotton. And two,  extend my contract through 2015.

Zucker: Not going to happen. Besides, what evidence do you have?

Silverman: Don’t need any, you just cannot have the media shitstorm that will ensue if it becomes public that you were trying to force me out. I might as well be making the whole thing up, but since you and I both know its true, you probably want to keep it from getting out.

Zucker: Well go ahead.

Silverman: Come on, Jeff. I know it wasn’t your idea, but when you are staring down everyone at these meetings, it’s hard to say no.

Zucker: 2012.

Silverman: 2014.

Zucker: 2013. (Holds out hand to shake)

Silverman: (reciprocates) We’ve got a deal. I want that motherfucker out of here by the end of the day though.

Zucker: (Into Intercom) Can you send Rich Cotton in here please?

Receptionist: Right away.

Zucker: Christ, what have I done?

Silverman: You know it’s the right move.

Silverman leaves, and passes Cotton on the way out.

Silverman: Enjoy the WB, dickhead.

Cotton: Huh?

And so ends our national nightmare. I hope at least someone enjoyed this nonsensical rambling. Still, don’t blame me….well blame me, but blame the state of television for giving us so little to work with that we’re forced to dredge up this tripe.

Part six, hopefully we can squeeze it all in here, if not, then expect the final installment tomorrow morning, that’s assuming anyone is still reading this blog (or ever was). Again, this is entirely, 100% fictional. There is absolutely no truth to any of this, and it is strictly for comedic purposes. Find the other parts to this saga, here.

While at a private booth with multiple women, Ebersol, Costas & Silverman bask in the drunken privilege that NBC has afforded them.

Costas: This is turning into a splendid evening, Mr. Ebersol. I’d like to thank you for inviting us.

Ebersol: My pleasure, Bob.

Costas: Furthermore, I’d just like to add that should we successfully engage in a sexual encounter with one of thes-

Ebersol: Jesus fucking Christ Bob would you stop being so fucking formal all the time. This isn’t a purity ball.

Silverman: Riotous Laughter

Costas: No problem, uh, man.

Ebersol remembers what his initial plans were for NBC, turns on audio/video recorder

Ebersol (To Silverman): So, like, what’s the plan here, Ben?

Silverman: The plan? The plan for what, Dick?

Ebersol: You know, do we pay these girls? Or what is it that the kids do nowadays?

Silverman (bemused): These girls? No, we don’t have to pay them. We’re paying them right now.

Ebersol: I see. So, at our whim, they’re willing to go upstairs?

Silverman: Well, not at our whim. They’re not hookers and we don’t own them. But with very little effort, they will willingly do so.

Ebersol: That tall one seems to be taking a liking to Bob.

Silverman: That’s Julie, she has a dwarfism fetish…Not that he’s a dwarf, but she’s so tall that to sweat the details would be splitting hairs.

Ebersol: Good point. And I doubt he’ll care anyways. I doubt he even remembers he is married right now.

Silverman: So what do you care, anyways? I always heard you steered clear of infidelity.

Costas: Look, look at this! I’ll chug this entire red bull vodka, without stopping even once.

Proceeds to drink very slowly

Ebersol: I’m asking for Bob’s sake.

Silverman: Right… (Directs attention towards group) Anyone else want to go back up to the room, we’ve got a couple bottles on ice and this music is intolerable.

Everyone agrees because everyone else agreed

Costas: (Finishes chugging drink) Fucking done. You see that Dick, huh? You see that? Is that fucking informal enough for you? Huh, Dick?

Ebersol responds with a flummoxed look of curiosity.

Silverman: Easy Bob. We’re heading upstairs you coming with?

Costas flashes look over to Julie

Costas: Of course, Ben.

Silverman: (Directed towards Ebersol) How about you?

Ebersol: I’m sorry, I might be catatonic after that little display. But, uh, no, I’m going to play a little blackjack. I’ll catch up with ya’ll later.

Two hours pass before Ebersol goes back up to the room to find Silverman, Costas & the three women naked on the bed in the main bedroom.

Ebersol: Holy shit!

Costas: Look at this Mr. Ebersol. (Runs face across two of the womens chest’s) That is four tits, Dick. Four tits.

Ebersol: Great, Bob.

Silverman: (Taking one of the women doggystyle) Hey, look who’s back. You have any luck at the table?

Ebersol: I’m down a couple hundred.

Silverman: That’s a shame, you want to take out some of your frustrations over here. I’m sure no one will mind.

Ebersol: No, no, it’s way past my bedtime.

Silverman: Yeah, you should get some rest for this meeting we’re going to have in the next ohhhh, four hours.

Ebersol heads off to bed and looks at the recorder he completely forgot he was wearing. Contemplates the ramifications of said recorder before going to bed.

The following morning Ebersol arises to find Silverman already awake

Silverman: Good morning Dick. I’m not going to lie, I feel like I was hit by a truck. But let’s get this show on the road. Hey, what’s that in your hand?

Ebersol: (Holding recorder in hand) We need to talk…

Our seventh and final post later tomorrow. We’ll never be happier than when we finish this thing.

Here’s part five of what will be our six or seven part adventure in NBC executive land series. We’ll wrap it up tomorrow or Wednesday, since even we’re boring ourselves with this.

We open with Bob Costas, Dick Ebersol & Ben Silverman entering their suite at the Bellagio.

Costas: Wow. What a lovely, temporary living quarters. I am most certainly going to make use of this jacuzzi. What do you think, Ben?

Silverman: It ain’t bad. Hey, what’s in the mini bar?

Costas: Oh wooow, it is chock full of varying flavors of soda and assorted candies.

Silverman: That’s dynamite. Is there any Bombay?

Dick Ebersol emerges from the secondary bathroom

Ebersol: Easy there, cowboy. We still have a little work to do.

Silverman: Are you fucking kidding me? I thought we got everything out of the way on the plane.

Ebersol: That is true Ben, but we still haven’t come to any sort of agreement.

Silverman: No, you wanted me to run promos for our struggling prime time series’ during non-Olympic figure skating, and I decided that since no one watches that shit east or west of eastern Europe, that we were going to have to pass.

Ebersol: Excuse me Mr. Silverman, but the numbers don’t supp…

Silverman: …Support my claim blah, blah, blah. Look, I don’t want to argue about something that Jeff Zucker and his band of cronies are obviously forcing you to do. We’re in Vegas, man, you wouldn’t let me drink on the plane so now I just want to get my kicks in now. Leave the business for the morning.

Ebersol: That’s because you showed up for the flight drunk. And you were late. And you spent the entire flight vomiting in the bathroom.

Silverman: I wasn’t drunk, I just get sick flying. And the alcohol is a home remedy that’s always worked in the past.

Ebersol: You promise we’ll talk some more business tomorrow morning? And that nothing will interfere with our discussion.

Silverman: Scouts honor.

Ebersol: It’s 2pm now, why don’t we grab some lunch.

Silverman: First lets make a quick drink, then we’ll hit up the tables for a few hands, try to get our lunch covered.

Ebersol: it is all covered, if not by NBC then by the hotel.

Silverman: Yeah, but still…

Costas enters from unpacking suitcase from bedroom

Costas: Mr. Ebersol. Did you see the jacuzzi? Doesn’t it look stupendous?

Ebersol: It certainly does. Look I’m going to take a nap, these old legs can’t keep pace with you young bucks. Why don’t you guys get a little blackjack in and I’ll meet up with you around five or six for dinner?

Silverman Sounds like a plan, you ready to go Bobby?

Costas: I’m not one for blackjack, but surely I can find a nearby slot machine.

Silverman: I’ll teach you how to play, man. Someone as smart as yourself will pick it up in no time.

They converse as they walk out the door

Costas: Is it anything like Old Maid…

Door slams as they leave, Ebersol frantically begins to set up the digital recording device that was given to him by Rick Cotton to his person. “Perfect”, he thinks to himself.

Cut to dinner, as Silverman and Costas approach the table.

Ebersol: So, how did we do.

Silverman: Up.

Ebersol: Really, how much?

Silverman: Let’s put it this way, even if the trip wasn’t comped, it would be now.

Costas: I won $325 Mr. Ebersol!

Silverman: Bobby was betting the table limit, being a newcomer and all.

Ebersol: And what were you playing with?

Silverman: Let’s just say it is well into five figures and leave it at that.

Waitress walks by

Silverman: Oh-hey-waitress!

Waitress: Yes.

Silverman: Do you think I could trouble you for a drink. A bombay and tonic. Thanks.

Waitress: I am not waiting on you guys tonight, but I will be sure to tell the woman who is.

The waitress begins walking away

Costas: Get me one too!

Silverman: Atta boy, Bobby.

Ebersol: Just how drunk are you guys?

Silverman: I had four or five of the same thing at the table. Bobby started off with apple juice but after he won a few hands he had a couple margaritas.

Costas: They were magnificent, sir. It was like the first time I ate pop rocks.

Ebersol: You know, if you pretended to give a shit about your career, you might actually excel in it.

Silverman: You said we were done for the day.

Ebersol: I’m not talking about now, just in general. If you showed up occasionally sober, or even just pretended like you respect anyone else’s opinion, you might actually be able to get us out of the gutter.

Silverman: It’s systemic at this point. The only way we’re getting out of last place is if someone murders Simon Cowell and JJ Abrams finally quits making absurd shit up on Lost. Then we might see a boost in ratings.

Costas (Lets out an audible yawn): It’s tired in here.

Ebersol: I see.

Silverman: As far as showing up sober is concerned, outside of Zucker, none of those guys wanted me there in the first place. And now even he is on the fence. So I’ll say to you what I said to them, I’m riding this wave for all it is worth, then when they knock me off of it, I’ll still have my production company to fall back on.

Ebersol resides himself to shock, but is more amazed that he actually finds himself half-agreeing with Silverman. The waitress returns with their drinks. Ebersol takes Costas’

Silverman: Rest up Bobby, I got us a table at Pure for tonight.

Part six tomorrow.