Grid Effect

So finally, we’re going to knock these nightly previews out of the way since we’re knee deep into summer lineups and there’s a shortage of “events”. Of course, it’s reported that there’s going to be wall-to-wall coverage of Michael Jackson tomorrow, so we’ll see how that interferes. We might push Tuesday’s preview back to next week. In the meantime, let’s see what’s being offered on Mondays.

Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, Hung took the week off for the fourth. Makes you wonder why they premiered it at the end of June, but whatever. HBO doesn’t need to worry about issues like this when they’re programming is so good.

Onto the steaming pile of dog shit that is Monday night programming.

NBC

8PM: Law & Order

NBC would you please make a concerted effort to put something original on your airwaves in the off-season. Just throw together some poorly contrived reality series, just make it an amalgamation of three other poorly contrived reality series, and hope it turns into a “hit”. Even I’d advocate that over trotting out the same prime time lineup over and over again. We already have one CBS.

9PM: Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Does this feature the pre-cogs from Minority Report? Because that’s the only way you’re going to convince me I should watch a replay of the same show back-to-back.

10PM: Dateline NBC

Does anyone know why they put the “NBC” at the end of this title? Doesn’t it seem a bit redundant? It’s on NBC, it’s obvious who’s responsible for its existence, no need to rub it in our faces. Though I can understand wanting to celebrate being the foremost leader among the broadcast networks in busting potential sex offenders. It’s good to lead the networks in something, I guess.

ABC

You'd be wise to turn down the rose.

8PM: The Bachelorette

You see NBC? This is how it’s fucking done. Appeal to our cheapest sensibilities at a fraction of the cost it takes to appeal to our sophisticated sensibilities, and watch the commoners flood your network with viewership and increase your advertising revenue. Really, it’s quite fucking simple. Now if you can get Bill O’Reilly to stop talking about you like you’re the devil incarnate and getting drawing everyone’s ire, you’d be all set. This is two hours long, by the way. Anticipate prolonged dramatic pauses before those roses are dolled out.

10PM: Here Comes The Newlyweds

People interact with other people and feign romantic interest to be on television. Call me crazy, but I think this is going to reinvent the genre.

FOX

8PM: House

What would a night of television be without a doctor scoffing at every medical procedure and ethic code known to man? Hugh Laurie does seem like a talented actor, is he going to drop this bullshit sometime soon to pursue an ill-fated movie career?

9PM: Lie To Me

Looks like FOX is pulling an NBC. I suppose the difference would be that FOX can afford to not attract any new viewers.

CBS

8PM: How I Met Your Mother

If you actually give a shit about something as frivolous as Emmy hosts, here’s your chance to meet this years. You better take advantage, CBS is only going replay this show once a week, and since there’s no device or software you can purchase to increase your availability to your favorite television shows, I suggest you tune in.

8:30PM: Rules of Engagement

Also dubbed, “David Spade has managed to stay on a long term series that isn’t a variety show”.

9PM: Two and A Half Men

I like how this show didn’t even try with the title, the intro, the writing or the casting, and they’ve managed to be the number one sitcom on television ever since Friends went off the air. I think this is a good message to send to all the kids out there: To be immensely successful and stay gainfully employed, never strive to exceed anyone’s expectations and it will alllll work out.

9:30PM: Big Bang Theory

This series has managed to gain some critical notoriety and even a couple of friends had the balls to recommend it to men, so maybe I should bother giving it a second try from my review of the pilot.

10PM: CSI: Miami

Follow up your comedy block with a cheap excuse to load an hour with half-naked women. I was watching Dexter last night out of a lack of options, in the episode a woman turns up dead (imagine that) and while over-viewing the crime scene, one of the investigators said she “was a valedictorian, on her way to Harvard Business School”… and of course she was a hot blond. The series is also set in Miami, and felt like it was stolen verbatim from this version of CSI, where even the corpses have to be attractive women so we feel bad about the death. Maybe the Dexter creators were just striving for some gritty realism that they’re always praised for, we all know hot blonds regularly wind up as valedictorians. It’s just like real life, man. Coincidentally, hot blonds also tend to occupy all non-speaking roles in television that relies on cheap thrills. Life’s funny like that sometimes.

Probably it for today, we might try to post our Rescue Me recap a day early but don’t hold us to it. Also, when we finish the third season we might do a post summarizing everything we don’t like about Dexter.