Grid Effect

Just a few quick links to close out the short week at Grid Effect. It’s not like it really matters, we never post anything interesting here half the time anyways. Also, since this is a links post let me get this started in the introductory paragraph: Breaking Bad’s second season is available on Amazon online, I highly recommend it after you watch the first season. It may seem like I’m talking abou this series too often these days, but it’s really just making up for lost time. I don’t think there’s anything you can watch on television that’s more worthy of your time than these DVD’s. Unless you take pleasure in watching So You Think You Can Dance, in which case I can’t help you.

Onto the links…

Lie To Me, which is amazingly still on the air, nabbed Erika Christensen for their…next…season? I don’t care enough to read but that has to be the gist of it. Anyhow, if you don’t know who Erika Christensen is it’s probably because you follow current film and television, and she hasn’t been in anything since the blockbuster Swimfan, which took the world  by storm with its acerbic wit and originality…I’m just kidding, it’s a steaming pile of cliched horseshit that shouldn’t have ever been made in the first place. But she did give a promising turn in Traffic, but that was seven or eight years ago. And now she’s in Lie To Me. I think everything’s gone according to plan.

Brooke Burns has landed a role on the apparently vaunted yet detestable and discouraging Melrose Place, because CUPWNB or whatever the network is going by these days is the epitome of class, and Brooke Burns reflects that reputation. She the star of such shows as North Shore and the host of Dog Eat Dog, I think we can all agree she’s earned this. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to know that this woman will probably make more money in the next calendar year than I will in the next twenty. Really brightens my day. Also landing a role on CW’s remake of a former hit television show? Kelly Carlson. Here she is below doing some of her finer work on Nip Tuck.

I don’t know how many of you watched The Daily Show, and more specifically how many of you watched it on Monday night, but Jon Stewart’s interview with Brian Williams was about the funniest thing I’ve seen on television since The Office went off the air (sorry Weeds, Entourage and every other “dramedy” we may have mentioned along the way). The writer seems to think the conversation was part of some ongoing, unknown riff between the comedian and nightly news host, I think it was just two decent friends (good acquaintances?) breaking balls, or whatever the nomenclature is these days. But I’m just a lowly blogger and Dave Itzkoff writes for the Times. Just go with your gut on this one.

And finally, it looks like AMC is breaking out the big, ineffective guns to boost Mad Men’s third season, much like they did for the second which scored them such paltry ratings that AMC couldn’t find it in their heart to throw the bank at Matthew Weiner. Which is unusual since this is the best and most critically acclaimed series on television. I can sort of understand this, fans of Mad Men can be pretty insufferable. If half the people I know who watch Mad Men had recommended it to me before I bothered to watch it on my own, I’d probably steer clear of it as well, since 90% of the time the first thing they talk about is either style/set design. Both are the best you’ll find in film or television, but a series it does not make. Honestly, give it a rest, average Mad Men fan. I get it, the style is almost impeccably reflective of the era, but it’s a hat/living room/Sunday dress. Nothing more, nothing less. I can find one online and buy it for you, if you promise to shut the hell up about it.

Alright, back on Monday with the current standard recapping schedule.

Here’s a few links to end the day. We wanted to get to it before tomorrow but we’ve watched the first three seasons of Dexter because we’ve been completely and utterly bored for the past three weeks. And we plan on going through every single shortcoming and limitation that the series offers, so be sure to tune in for that. I won’t say I hated everything about it, but with the exception of Lost it is by far and away my least favorite critically acclaimed scripted series (24 is in the running as well).

So yeah, if you never get tired of listening to us complain about why something isn’t better than it is, come on by tomorrow. Until then, here are some news items.

Here’s a new trailer for the upcoming season on Sons of Anarchy. Have we decided if this show is any good or not? And how is it good? Is Wire good (with complex plots and sound character structure) or Lost good (with brainless storylines and easy twists that rarely payoff)? Either way, I feel like I should know more about Sons of Anarchy than I do, but I haven’t seen anything to reel me in, including this trailer.

Doug Ellin says of the new season of Entourage, which premieres this upcoming Sunday, that the characters begin to evolve this year. He says he wanted to reinvent the show without changing, which is a complete fucking oxymoron, because I’m pretty sure that when you reinvent something it changes quite a bit. I can’t turn a fan into a garbage disposal, but if I could I’m pretty sure it would be considered “changed”. Because it would dispose of garbage instead of providing a cool breeze in a warm room. Illiteracy aside, Doug Ellin saying the characters will “grow” should be a good sign for anyone who wanted Entourage to turn into something substantive, which I don’t think it was ever supposed to be. Still, if it gets us away from episodes like “Tree Trippers“, us apologists will be all the better for it.

My interest is piqued.

Here’s Jimmy Fallon performing at the White House for a fourth of July celebration for veterans and their families. He’s mildly awkward but affable and just does what Jimmy Fallon tends to do these days: endear people to him. We’re more interested in the fact that Michelle Branch was there, because where did she go and did she take Norah Jones and every other brunette vocalist from that two year period with her?

I’m pretty sure the Shakespeare wrote the phrase, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” specifically for people and entities like NBC, who are once again pimping their ratings. This time it’s with The Tonight Show. I don’t know why anytime they score a decent Nielsen they feel the need to send out a fucking press release about it, but it’s starting to get embarrassing. As much as it pains me to say, CBS doesn’t have time to let the world know every time they get a hit show. That should probably tell them somethng.

This is why I was concerned about Schwarzenegger winning the Governorship in California: first Al Franken gets elected to the Senate, now Alec Baldwin is contemplating running for Congress (and makes the announcement in Playboy). It’s bad enough that politicians seem to prioritize being famous and cult of personality over policy and efficacy, now they’ve diverted so far away from the goal that the people they’re trying too ill-advisedly trying to emulate are taking their jobs.

If you’re a fan of Dollhouse –and lord knows there’s dozens of you– here’s a scene from the “lost” episode. I didn’t watch it because I’m not interested in or intrigued by Dollhouse, but I like the idea of not airing a television show for business reasons then calling it “lost”. I think other corporations should enforce this policy, like when McDonald’s brings the McRib back, they should call it the “lost McRib”, because no one really knows what happened to it. Though I don’t think there’s a marketing gimmick in existence that could make me eat a McRib or watch a lost or found episode of Dollhouse.

And finally, the Michael Jackson memorial could have been watched by roughly a billion people. I have no idea how this shit is measured on an international scale, but I completely believe it. This basically puts Michael Jackson’s death on par with the World Cup, an international event between two countries vying for the title of best nation of the most popular sport in the world. If anything, that’s the legacy that Michael Jackson leaves: some kid from Gary, Indiana becomes the most famous yet controversial entertainer the world has seen.

Back tomorrow with the Dexter hammering and a nightly preview.

Since you were undoubtedly wondering what happened to the Goode Family review we suggested would be posted yesterday, I should probably inform you that our DVR fucked up, only catching the last nine minutes of the show. From what we saw it wasn’t terribly funny and relied too heavily on standard cliches about PC behavior. But what we watched was kind of a non-sequitur, it picked up right when some girl was complaining to a guy who seemed like her older bother, about her mom forcing her too have sex.

Anyhow, I’m trying not to read too much into it, but I think its already been ruined for us. The animation was too bright and we don’t really like ABC, anyways. Are we actively looking for excuses to not watch this show? You betcha.

Onto some links to close out this dreadfully long, short work week.

The good news is, I might not have to worry about it, as the ratings were pretty sub-par for The Goode Family. I don’t really watch anything on ABC, and I skip pretty much every commercial when I watch a game on ESPN, so I don’t know what kind of marketing campaign was put together, but poor ratings for an animated series in prime time has to be expected, right? Either way, I’m pretty sure one more joke about same marriage vs. opposite marriage will put them right over the top.

Reportedly AMC wants an extra two minutes of commercials for each season three episode of Mad Men. I think it’s time we recalibrate how television networks (especially cable) schedule their daily programming. I mean, why would AMC limit Mad Men to one hour that has to be split with commercials? If Matt Weiner says he needs and extra fifteen minutes to squeeze in all his scenes, is there a reason they don’t give it to him? Is it really urgent they start that 4,000th rerun of Footloose when the hour hand is decidedly on a number? They may not get the best ratings, but Mad Men is by far the most buzz-worthy product the network has too offer.

Might be airbrushed a little, but we don't mind.

Joss Whedon might cast Summer Glau onto the second season of Dollhouse, giving her a chance to revive their partnership from the failed Firefly series. We mentioned when it was expected that Dollhouse was going to go off the air and everyone was blaming Eliza Dushku, that to be consistent you’d have to also blame Glau for the failures of Firefly. It seems that since Dollhouse survived cancellation, he now has some clout to bring back the witch solely responsible for one of his few misfires (just speaking commercially, people, relax). And who could blame him. Look at that picture, I’d wrestle a lion for the opportunity to meet this woman, much less work on a TV set with her for months on end.

Here’s the trailer for the upcoming Real World season, which is set in Cancun. It manages to cram every cliche from the storied franchise in a two minute and eight second span. Or, he’s different when he drinks and you’re not here to make friends? Couldn’t the latter be expected and if the former is true, why did you agree to live in a house with six strangers carrying an equally serious alcohol problem?

It looks like we’re at the point where every detail of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s life is deemed newsworthy, as evidenced by this “published” news story about one of them pranking the other. Hey remember that time someone in your office put a fucking whoopie cushion in your chair, did you ever think that could one day make the rounds online? Well, it will if you one day contribute to riding a once great sketch comedy show into the ground (I love 30 Rock, as stated many times before, but SNL hasn’t been funny on any consistent basis for at least ten years).

And finally, it probably warrants mentioning that tonight is the last episode of Leno on The Tonight Show, and he’ll officially pass the torch to Conan O’Brien as host. I don’t think anyone whose ever told jokes on a broadcast network for a living has ever been so divisive (to generalize: red states love him and blue states hate him, so he always beat Letterman in ratings). This departure hasn’t been nearly as sentimental as O’Brien leaving The Late Show, maybe because it involved a move across the country? Or because Leno will significantly augment his visibility moving to 10PM, while Conan’s public persona will only slightly increase? I have no idea, but what I do know is that NBC is doing something that the masses actually seem to give a shit about. I can’t remember that happening since the debut of Deal of No Deal.

Back on Monday with nightly previews and some reaction to Conan as Tonight Show host.

Few links to open the last, shortened week in May. We’ll get to our Rescue Me recap later today, which you are undoubtedly waiting in breathless anticipation for.

This is more of a "first look" than anything in that link.

Here is your first look at the fifth season of Weeds. What it is, is a few still shots from the set, so it’s technically a “first look”, but it’s almost intentionally misleading. If someone tells me I’m getting the “first look” of an upcoming season of television, I expect it to be at least a trailer, if not a short clip from an episode. I suppose I am guilty of the same sin since I am linking to them and all, but at least I’m giving a detailed explanation. I expect more from websites that people actually visit.

You can watch the first episode of Edie Falco’s new series, Nurse Jackie, online. I have yet to watch it but one thing’s for sure, this guy from Entertainment Weekly is thoroughly unimpressed. Mind you, it’s just a pilot, but considering the batting average for Showtime series’ with this site, we’re going to be inclined to agree. Not that this is why we won’t watch the show, but unfortunately for her, she might be married to the Carmela Soprano character. Audiences will be too familiar with her as the wife of an Italian mobster to see her as anything else. This could be a great opportunity for her and Frederico Castelluccio, the guy who played Furio Guinta and was pissed about being cast off the show late in the fourth season.

This article from Time wonders whether or not Americans want to watch shows that focus on the financial strains of the current economy. It seems we haven’t learned anything from Nielsen’s or Box Office numbers, because the answer is a resounding No. If the American consumer wanted to watch gritty realism over fluff, The Wire would murder Two and A Half Men in ratings and Squid and The Whale would slaughter The Incredibles in an opening weekend. The fact is, Americans overwhelmingly (and with few exceptions) want mindless distractions from their everyday lives, which is perfectly fine (I guess). But can we at least put a moratorium on questions like this?

Here is a series of photos of Stephen Colbert undergoing military training in preparation for his trip to Iraq. For awhile we’ve ignored his antics because they were so redundant, but this seems like it warrants mentioning. Much like the Weeds first look, we would prefer video. But this is different in that we weren’t led to believe there would be any.

This is the problem with Obama being so immersed in the entertainment industry: George Lopez is claiming Obama agreed to appear on his talk show. On TNT. For starters, who told TNT it would be a good idea to make the leap into comedy (the fact they hired George Lopez to host a fucking talk show is proof this is going to fail miserably). And two, the president can’t go on a non-political talk show unless it’s Leno, Letterman or Oprah; and even then the majority of the populace would like to see otherwise.

An article pondering if television is becoming inundated with hospital dramas. Of course it is, but hasn’t TV always been overwhelmed with slick doctors? Everyone knows that the only interesting professions in this country are homicide detective, lawyer, doctor or some facet of the entertainment industry. No other career path is deserving of a fictional characterization unless you’re watching a motion picture rom-com, in which if the characters aren’t one of the aforementioned professions, then they are an architect, a magazine/newspaper editor or they work some non-descript finance job in a major market high rise. Everyone knows that.

Anytime your series is fixated on cheap teasers and absurd premises that placate the easily amused, it’s going to be regularly downloaded online, thus explaining why Lost was the most pirated series of the past year. If Weeds was on ABC they would experience the same side effects, I’m sure.

And finally, if you watch nightly talk shows for the interviews, The Tonight Show has unveiled Conan’s first week of guests. I’m going to go ahead and say it: Jimmy Fallon’s lineup for opening week was undeniably superior, but I’m still DVR’ing his first week at 11:30. I’m that open-minded.

As mentioned, Rescue Me recap later.

After what we’d probably consider the worst recap we’ve written on this site (and that’s saying something), we’re ready to deliver on a few links. Well, we were better prepared two hours ago, but internet connectivity issues at work (i.e. we didn’t have any) forced us into a mean darts game that resulted in us continuing our win streak and our current state of indifference.

We were tempted to ramble on about how identifiable My Boys was last night, and how it’s probably the best episode we’ve seen of the fairly uneven comedy; and how Rescue Me was basically an episode of The Wire where someone left the western (Dukie, Michael and Bug going to Six Flags, Bodie going to Philly, Marlo going to the Bahamas, etc.); but reconsidered and realized that the former isn’t worth addressing and we can tackle the latter six days from now. So, straight links it is.

CBS has canceled Without A Trace but renewed Numbers. I guess this is a bad thing for WAT fans. But to paraphrase Robert Plant, the name and faces might change, but the plot remains virtually the same. Oh, and the CW dumped Privileged. I don’t know what that last sentence means, but I’m certain someone can make sense out of it.

If you thought Stephen wasn’t getting enough credit at either the final jury or the reunion on Survivor: Tocantins, you can now sleep peacefully at night because JT has given all credit to him for his win. I don’t know what happened on that island, but whatever it was I’m certain that the cameras didn’t catch it.

Speaking of belated Survivor commentary, Bill Simmons spent about twenty minutes at the end of his most recent podcast discussing the finale. Which brings me to my question, does anyone know of any Survivor podcasts I can possibly catch for next season?

If you’re desperate for a watchable HBO Sunday night series like I am, here’s the debut trailer for Hung, a tragic tale of a down-on-his-luck basketball coach and his comically large member. I can’t really hear it what with not having audio at work and all, but I can guarantee that I’m watching it, verdict is still out whether it’s getting the recap treatment.

In there many attempts to low-brow the network, NBC’s only new shining star from the passed season is Southland, which is their highfalutin’ poor man’s impression of The Wire (Note: any impression of The Wire will be an improvement over Howie Do It). Maybe this should teach us all something, that while networks constantly aim for the lowest common denominator and those who reach the lowest tend to win, there’s a resurgence going on. American’s will no longer sit idly by and watch this drivel…Or it could just be an aberration, as cop shows tend to have the highest success rate on the broadcast networks, regardless of quality or intentions. Yeah, I’m probably reading too much into it.

Jim Cramer is still in ” fruitlessly attempting to save face” mode from his Daily Show appearance. I seem to be one of the few people online that thinks he was hosed to some extent, but what he fails to realize is that the American Idol finale is approaching, and everyone has since forgotten about his national blunder. It’s time to move on, Jim. Everyone else has.

I think it was worth it.

Some girl from the MTV family of reality TV shows set in SoCal is returning to the same family after a hiatus. She was pursuing and acting career and blah, blah, blah and she thinks her training will improve the show and whatever, I basically just included this in today’s post so I have an excuse to post this picture. I hope the article is more substantive than this paragraph, but it’s MTV we’re talking about here, so probably not.

For those of you who enjoy Chuck, which doesn’t mean simply watching the series and being entertained by it. No, this series has now reached Arrested Development/Friday Night Lights status, and that implies that in order to be considered a fan by the cult who follows the show, you must reach the monthly quota of letter writing to the network. But anyways, for those of you who meet this criteria, Subway is going to become an even bigger influence on the show. If the deal is still around by then, expect Chuck’s friend to bust into a scene and say, “Chuck, I have that $5 foot long jingle stuck in my head” followed by Chuck playing the song on his computer. Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t be distracting at all.

NBC renewed Carson Daly’s show for some reason. It’s undergone a massive overhaul to improve its standing but since Daly has naked pictures of Ben Silverman in a group orgy at Palm Springs, it continues to be on the airwaves. Have any of you seen this show? I’m going to assume you haven’t, but it’s basically shot like MTV Sports now, except considerably less interesting.

And finally, because they’ve both come to the realization that this will probably be the apex of their careers, Sarah Chalke and Zach Braff have agreed to more seasons of Scrubs. I guess my question then is, what was all the hullabaloo about then? Wasn’t this entire season and the creation of it and the reasoning for it based strictly on the fact that Bill Lawrence and Braff were ready to call it quits? Why all the misdirection? Just please go away so I don’t have to act like the series has any qualities I like when I talk to women.

Back later with more links.

Just a few links to start the day, with the exception of PTI and the second half of the Rockets-Lakers game, we didn’t watch any television last night. So unless you want to hear a recap of the numerous elbows thrown by various Lakers that somehow led to Ron Artest being ejected from the game, then we’ll just get right to it.

Gossip Girl “stars” (I use the quotations because I don’t know anyone except maybe my nieces who would recognize a single cast member of this show) have been invited to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Why? How dare you question our president.

In an attempt to piss off everyone and solidify that I never go see his movies or watch his television shows, Josh Schwartz recently said that he’s never been a Star Trek fan and has acknowledged his first project, The OC, spawned so many reality series’ about vapid morons in SoCal that they will far overshadow his own work. It doesn’t bother me that he acknowledges these bits of information about himself and his work. No, what bothers me about it is he seems proud of these results. The fact anyone considers being the man who inadvertently paved the way for Heidi Montag to be a household name is something anyone should champion is a little frightening.

Stick to what you know, Jen.

Jenny McCarthy once showed her genitals in a magazine, and as it was written in the scripture: anytime a modestly to bona fide attractive woman pines for anything, she shall be granted it without prejudice; she’s now going into the anti-vaccine biz with Oprah Winfrey. Let’s just set aside the insanity that is Jenny McCarthy and her borderline indefensible crusade for a moment, she is a B-list celebrity and a former playboy bunny, she hasn’t been told “no” since she was ten years old. What I’m curious about is why Oprah would take any part in this, especially when their is such overwhelming evidence against Ms. McCarthy’s claims. I think she’s using this as a litmus test for just how much she can get away with. I mean, what else does she have to do with her time?

I haven’t been keeping up with Stephen Colbert news recently, because frankly, the shtick is rather tiresome at this point. Yeah, he’s still great in the role and the show is as good as its ever been. But its been, what? 3 years now? And more or less the same joke every night, or at least the same premise for every joke he tells…I think two years was enough for me. But since everyone still wants to love him (he’s basically reached Brett Favre status), various institutions still name shit after him. Like NASA naming a treadmill “The Stephen Colbert Treadmill“. It was funny when he had an eagle named after him, but ten inanimate objects later and the bit has kind of worn thin.

And finally, our second link to Slate asks if 30 Rock has gone conservative. The short answer: No. The long answer, if you’re wondering why republicans complain about liberal bias in various news factions, it’s because someone has the nerve to question whether a series as liberal as 30 Rock has turned into conservative programming. I mean, if 30 Rock is considered conservative, then what exactly is left to be regarded as progressive? Porno? Old footage of Woodstock? I know the article is offering some contrarian perspective about how Tina Fey just isn’t answering the call of her liberal brethren, but maybe they just toned down the political jokes because, you know, democrats currently control every branch of government.

Kind of a weak set of links here. Back tomorrow with recaps.

So with the NBA playoffs in full swing, it’s safe to assume that scripted series’ are going to be put on the back-burner for us. Sorry, but outside of the shows we already watch (the ones we recap), there isn’t going to be a lot happening on this site beyond the bare minimum. With that said, let’s tackle some news items!

Remember when we wrote that self-righteous, dismissive paragraph over Rod Blagojevich’s bid to appear on some hackneyed reality series? Well, it appears a judge was equally incensed and denied him the opportunity to leave the country for where the show will be filming, which to me seems even more ridiculous than Blago’s decision to go on reality television in the first place. Whatever, this might open the door for additional eye-candy, which I imagine is what 90% of the people watching this show are looking for.

More depressing evidence that neither our country nor the world has any idea how to handle political terrorism: 24 was cited as evidence in defense of… atypical interrogation techniques. This on the heels of the UN inviting cast and crew members of Battlestar Galactica for a discussion on international relations and the merits of torture. Look, for the most part I am apolitical and this is generally why. As much as I love some television series and I think the medium is being squandered on mindless drivel, I really don’t want the world’s leaders using some of the more popular franchises as part of their argument. And if you are, it better be The Wire that is used for us to even consider taking you seriously.

What the hell is that she's latching onto?

ABC is bringing back some series called The Superstars, which I guess was all the buzz back before cable. Or at least I hope that’s when it was all the buzz. I can’t imagine anyone actually taking this seriously, but then again we’re unabashed fans of Survivor and that’s exactly what this sounds like with B and C-list celebrities, so I guess we can’t be too high and mighty about this. Anyway, the first season of this will include such stars as Joanna Krupa, Terrell Owens, Dan Cortese (EXTRRREEEEMEE!) Ali Landry and Bode Miller among others. And if you’re thinking that we are posting this link just for the accompanying picture, you are absolutely correct.

Oh, and if for whatever reason you haven’t heard, like on the offset chance you might have some sort of life, are over the age of 43 or under the age of 25, The State is coming to DVD. After roughly fourteen years since it went off the air, the sketch comedy show that helped spawn Reno 911, Role Models and various other movies and television shows can now be seen in all its glory. The State represents a time when MTV actually demonstrated some ambition and didn’t resort to the lowest common denominator that seems to be all the rage at our nation’s high schools. Too commemorate (read: promote) the release, MTV has put the first season up online.

And finally — we’re just full of good news to close out the morning — one silver lining of the failing economy: CBS is forced to reevaluate hosting about fifteen different cop dramas, and it appears either Cold Case or Without A Trace will be getting axed to trim the budget. How does one decide between the cop show that is 60% flashbacks and the cop show that has the guy from Empire Records in the lead role? I mean, is there any other way to distinguish these two shows? Man, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when this conversation takes place.

South Park and Office recaps tomorrow.

Ahh, Monday nights. The first day back from the weekend and thus the most anticipated television night of the week. What do the broadcast networks offer in the way of entertainment? I think you’ll be pleasantly uninspired. In the infamous words of Michael Scott, “you’re gonna hate it”.

NBC

8PM: Chuck
We reviewed this series back when we were still taking this blog too seriously. It brought some fine qualities to the table but ultimately wasn’t for us. In other words, they go out of their way to load this series with eye candy, but the story format and same cliche jokes about Beta male guys aren’t really anything we haven’t seen before. Still, it’s going to be a shame when yet another scripted series gets cut for budgetary concerns in favor of Arsenio Hall’s return to television.

9PM: Heroes
In this series’ run we’ve watched half of one episode and couldn’t stand it. It was getting rave reviews until the season one finale, now it has the critical and commercial popularity of a FOX reality series in July. I’m not sure what the fall from grace consists of, but either way we feel vindicated. We call this series the anti-Wire, for its large ensemble cast and the fact that it’s blatantly obvious who the “good” and “bad” guys are.

10PM: Medium
In case you haven’t noticed, Monday night is when NBC trots out all their series without an actual weekday in the title that they feel should have a large audience. Medium is a little past its prime in that regard, but I’m fairly certain the woman in this has won an Emmy and still has a paltry audience compared to its younger days. Basically, Medium is NBC’s new ER.

ABC

8PM: The Bachelor
Two hours worth of faux-relationship drama for the benefit of the lovelorn, contemptuous and bitter masses. It’s a dream come true for those that like to see others humiliated on a national stage. Not that I feel bad for anyone invloved. If you’re going to go on national television, proclaim your love for someone you’ve spoken to intermittently over the course of…a month(?) in some vapid quest for fame and fortune, we might pity your aspirations but having any sympathy for anyone in the moment is highly unlikely.

10PM: True Beauty
The natural follow-up to a show like The Bachelor, in which the contestants are judged based on some self-righteous notion of someone’s morality. Naturally, these peoples since of inner-beauty doesn’t permit them from whoring themselves on reality television either, which means they’re probably just older than the people they are judging so harshly. Oh, and by the way, take an hour out of The Bachelor episode that precedes this and replace it with a talk show of some sort, and set aside extremely popular scripted series’, and this will be what prime time lineups will look like in a scant four or five years.

FOX

8PM: House
The good doctor will undoubtedly remove a chainsaw from someone’s head, then use said chainsaw to remove a baby elephant from the lower intestine of an African ivory dealer. Everyone will learn a valuable lesson which House will mock with a dismissive one-liner. That’s what I heard is going to happen, anyways.

9PM: 24
In the episode description it says, “Jack and Renee race against time”. Uhhh, isn’t this the premise of every season/episode of 24? Just replace the name Renee with whoever else is the female lead for any given season, and you have every episode of 24 ever made. Honestly, how in the hell would a show about a man saving the world over the stretch of one day not be considered a “race against time”?

CBS

8PM: The Big Bang Theory
This show has sort of amassed a healthy commercial following, and has even drawn the admiration of a number of critics. We reviewed this series at about the same time we reviewed Chuck and it wasn’t exactly groundbreaking. We’d like to see how they improved it over the weeks, but we won’t. Mainly because it’s on CBS. Unfair and shortsighted? You bet. Honest and forthcoming? Unquestionably.

8:30PM: How I Met Your Mother
The one traditional sitcom (meaning it has a laugh track) that still sees a fair amount of critical praise. I have a number of friends that watch this show, so I can’t completely dismiss it, but it seems like its popularity is founded on the notion that Doogie Howser is in it, and everyone is just flummoxed that he’s still popular.

9PM: Two and A Half Men
What can we say that hasn’t already been said? Luckily for the producers of this show, Charlie Sheen is seen as box office poison as a result of bad PR for the past decade or so, but he’s already a proven and valued commodity on the set of the highest rated comedy on television, and he’s non-expendable. What I’m trying to say is, this series is going to be on until Charlie Sheen either wants to retire or feels he’s lined his pockets with enough coin that he doesn’t have to show up to work everyday.

9:30PM: Worst Week
I have no idea what this is. Actually, I think I made a joke about its title, seeing as how there is know way in hell a comedy’s entire series run is set inside a single week. It’s the sitcom equivalent to Prison Break.

10PM: CSI: Miami
What’s the best way to follow four sitcoms with redundant comedy you probably could have watched twenty years ago? A drama with unintentionally great comedy starring David Caruso spewing definitive one-liners at crime scenes, which are just about always the set of a movie, a photo shoot or anywhere else they can find an excuse to load the cast with attractive women.

Unless you read or leave the house on weekday nights or have cable or something crazy like that, these are your options. Have a great time with them.

Flight of The Conchords review later today.

It is Thanksgiving eve and we have nothing to write about, really. So I’ll leave you with a few links before this site is completely ignored and abandoned by us until Monday. We would post on it but no one watches television for these next four days. If you do plan on watching TV over the extended weekend and it isn’t football, then I’m really not sure what to say to you. I’m sure Deal or No Deal is airing a two hour special in which all the models are dressed up like pilgrims or something. My recommendation is to get out of your house, visit some family and pretend you enjoy their company during halftime of the Lions and Cowboys games.

Onto links…

Horatio Sanz lost a hundred pounds recently, and he probably also lost a career with it. Hey, I encourage good health and what have you, but when your entire gimmick in every character you’ve ever played on a sketch comedy show is of the surly, pitiful stock variety; you kind of lose that angle when you drop three figures worth of weight. I’m sorry.

Cheech & Chong obviously had the option to do a reality show, if not for E! then for VH1, but opted against it under the premise that “reality shows are for losers”. Wow. In most cases, I couldn’t agree more. Particularly of the variety that they would be featured in. But at the same time, how do you think that makes people like Denise Richards or Mark Gastineau’s daughters or Paris Hilton or whoever is on The Surreal Life feel? To know that two guys who made their bones in show business by rolling around in a rape van smoking weed in the 70’s, feel they’re too dignified to stoop to the level of the reality whores of the world, must be fairly burdensome for the reality whores, right? I mean, at some point, isn’t some self-awareness expected? Won’t somebody, please, think of the children?!!

Always classy.

The Screen Actors Guild is contemplating a strike a la the writers from roughly a year ago. This makes perfect sense and doesn’t feel entitled or lack perspective in the least. One would think that with the economy being what it is and everything else that main players in Hollywood would recognize how good they have it and not put entire production staffs out of work so they could barter for a few more million on their contracts. Maybe they’re trying to adjust to Obama’s proposed tax plan, I don’t know. But I’m sure this will go over well with middle America and certainly gain their sympathy.

Proof that Americans are growing more and more insufferable with the technical quality of whatever screen they’re watching: Hulu will offer HD shows starting in December. Because when you’re watching a show through a ten inch box on your computer, it isn’t enough that you’re watching it for free, it is mandatory that the picture quality be impeccable. “I’m not going to watch this if its only a standard 480i picture, how droll.” Virtually all my friends feel the need to comment on picture quality anytime we watch a game at a bar or a show at someone’s apartment, regardless of its strength.

I’ll never understand this mentality. You’re watching, we’ll say, a football game. It’s on, you’re sitting their on your fat ass watching it like you set out to do. You’ll be completely filled in and up to date with all the happenings that take place for those three hours. Is a diminished number of pixels really so bothersome that its interfering with your enjoyment of said game? Eat a bag of dicks, high definition sycophants.

This article contemplates the merits of “Truman Syndrome”, a supposed affliction in which people assume their being followed by cameras all the time. Apparently people actually take this seriously, which is astounding. Isn’t this basically something that the medical field conjures up and neurotic people such as myself eventually convince themselves that they suffer from it, then said medical community lines their pockets with my neuroses? I guess you can only improperly diagnose so many four year olds with ADHD before it starts to get boring.

And finally, for those of you who’ve been ignoring FNL’s run on Direct TV: the series will be back on NBC this January, airing on Friday’s at 9PM. At least we’ll have something to write about on Fridays again. Or wait, we already do with Survivor and The Office. God damn it. Is it so difficult to put good television on Monday, Tuesday or even Wednesday nights? I get it, it has “Friday” in the title. But do NBC execs think so little of the American public that since a series has an actual day of the week in the title, that we’ll get confused if its given a viable time slot that doesn’t coordinate with its name, and not cast down with the weekend night rejects?…Actually, I don’t want to know the answer to that.

Have a plentiful Thanksgiving.

Happy election day! Or wait, I guess this will only be a good day for roughly half of you. I wouldn’t much worry about it, whoever wins they will quickly become a grave disappointment as the economy continues to sag and tensions increase with every Asian country imaginable. Look on the bright side, at least if we fall into a depression you won’t have to go to work. I think it’s time we began to ponder what a depression would look like in the 21st century. Are we all going to be boxed up in our own Hooverville’s (McCain/Obama/Bush-ville’s, whatever we decide to dub it), huddled around our battery powered laptops for warmth? We all hope it doesn’t come to that of course, but I think an illustration of such a scenario would actually be funny. Sorry.

Anyhow, between waiting in line for what I can only imagine will be a couple hours to vote, work, eating and whatever else a normal person does to occupy the day, we won’t have time for much more than one post, and that one post will have to be mailed in, so here are some links. My apologies. Again. We’ll try to get to the Life and Times of Tim recap later tonight.

You may have heard that King of The Hill was getting canceled after this season by FOX. Here is some speculation wondering if ABC will “rescue” the Mike Judge animated series. Call me crazy, but if a series has been on the air for thirteen years, and the network decides it has had its run and wants to fill the timeslot with something new, is it really being “canceled” in the classical sense? Isn’t it just coming to an end? Thirteen years is a damn long time, not everything can be The Simpsons. My guess is Judge and the FOX executives have some sort of mutual agreement that its time to close the curtain on a successful run, or he has an open door for any other projects he thinks might benefit the network. In short, I wouldn’t expect to see this moved to ABC anytime soon.

You know television has become too important in this culture when every television critic is comparing Barack Obama’s campaign and presumptive win to every black television character from the 80’s. We still have yet to find an article comparing him to Uncle Phil, but if he wins, once Obama puts on some weight from the stress of leading the free world, we’ll certainly see one. …And just like when Will was taking speed to keep himself up at night in order to study but Carlton ended up accidentally OD’ing on what he thought was Vitamin E, Wall St. went into overdrive and completely collapsed in on itself, with Main St. being the primary victim. What did President Obama do? Just like Uncle Phil, he took back his season tickets to the Clippers.

Sorry, Heidi. If you weren't married maybe someone would give a shit if you left.

Since everything today is related to the election, why not this site? Reportedly Heidi Klum along with her disfigured and content to not work husband “Seal” (quotations because that’s not his real name) are planning to move out of the country should McCain win the presidency. Unlike all the rejects who claimed they would do the same in 2004 if Bush won, they actually have the means to do so. And despite me thinking that is completely absurd (considering democrats used to love McCain), they are well within their rights and I applaud them for sticking to their principals. No, what bothers me is the self-importance of it all, like they are giving us an ultimatum. “My candidate didn’t win, so I am taking my ball and going home”. What a pair of fucking idiots.

Roger Ebert is not pleased with his replacement. And if you have seen his replacement in action, you can understand why. Watching the new At The Movies is like listening to the two sycophants walking out of the theater spouting off their knee-jerk reactions to everything they just saw. It doesn’t feel professional or intelligent or particularly relevant, and the only reason I can think that they felt compelled to replace Ebert and Roeper with these two is that they’re “more attractive” than their predecessors. Which is yet another reason to hate the entertainment industry, even for those who critique it looks sue-proceed articulacy.

And finally, Chad L. Coleman, who played Cutty on The Wire and was last seen bagging groceries because no one in Hollywood watches that series because they are too self-absorbed to watch something produced in Baltimore, Maryland; has earned a role on a series from the creators of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. As you can imagine we couldn’t be more excited for this. Usually Wire alums take roles for shitty cop shows on broadcast networks, with this it wouldn’t even be necessary for us to seek it out.

Back later tonight.

So we hate to do these back to back, but this is something we could write before Survivor came on. Sorry but our vanity is just going to have to take precedent when we are posting for four times in one day from work. Besides, it is better to have this early in case you are a shut-in who actually watches network television on Friday nights.

NBC

8PM: Deal or No Deal

No one on the face of the earth is happier about this than Howie Mandel. The man went from being a hack comedian — who somehow built a reputation as being a charming hack — to landing a hosting gig for a prime time game show that requires an endless array and tolerance for dramatic mannerisms and voice inflections. Easy money, baby.

9PM: Crusoe

This series is actually getting some critical acclaim, which leads us to wonder why they put it on Friday nights. They seem to have a boner for their Knight Rider remake, which we are pretty sure is supposed to be ironically bad. But the core fan base doesn’t get the irony so their just watching a terrible TV series and taking it seriously. Anyhow, we would watch Crusoe if we had a masochistic need to write yet another post for Friday afternoons. Or, you know, had a thing for swashbuckling. But that’s not really our bag.

10PM: Lipstick Jungle

You know what’s hard in contemporary America? Being a rich, powerful corporate overlord with seemingly endless options in every facet of life. Oh, whoops. I meant being a rich, powerful female corporate overlord with seemingly endless opions in every facet of life. Man, its like, you know, like men are just intimidated by their success. Sure, millions of people are losing their savings and/or jobs; but try having two men chase after you in an obsessive but non-threatening manner all while they’re intimidated by you. Then you will know what real hardship is.

ABC

8PM: Wife Swap

One’s rich and one’s poor, one’s liberal and the other conservative, one’s lives in the city while the other in rural Oklahoma; when these two families cross paths, High jinks is sure to ensue. And hopefully in a bloody mess! That would be a ratings bonanza!

9PM: Supernanny

My God, how can anyone get away with putting this shit on the airwaves? This is infinitely worse than its lead in because at least adults can alter the course and tone of a given episode. This, however, is one woman going from house to house dealing with a different set of supposedly dysfunctional kids. Meaning the only thing that changes is the kids, whom are basically interchangeable. One snot nosed brat is the same as the next, that’s what I always say anyways. They do what their told if you have any will power at all; and the fact you let an ABC reality series into your house tells me you don’t. The parents in these would save more face if they just beat their progeny senseless.

10PM: 20/20

TV magazine journalism for the frighteningly domesticated. It’s probably about serial killers or something.

FOX

8PM: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Tonight they are bringing on a the Celtics cheerleading squad that the ownership brought in immediately after Red Auerbach died, presumably just to further humiliate whatever schlub they convinced it was a good idea to humiliate himself on national television. At some point, one would assume the masses would grow tired of such tripe, but the verdict is still out, and we might have OJ like deliberation to determine just how insipid the American public can be.

Yeah, this makes sense.

9PM: Don’t Forget The Lyrics

I am still mightily confused as to what this show entails. Is it a competition show like American Idol, that takes place over the course of a few months? Or is it more along something like The Price Is Right, in which you have daily prize winners, but in the form of a talent show? Or rather, a karoke battle. It doesn’t sound like much talent is involved, but we are happy to see that it keeps Wayne Brady gainfully employed. I get the impression he has Dave Chapelle to thank for that.

CBS

8PM: Ghost Whisperer

Amazingly, this series is still on the air. I don’t even know what else to say. How long can they expect to stay on the air if they put a washed up film star into a dramatic series on a Friday night? Apparently for eternity. We might see Jennifer Love Hewitt doing the same uncomfortable line readings until people forget that she was ever a budding film star.

9PM: NCIS

This preview looks conspicuously similar to the last time we ran one of these, doesn’t it? So, uh, NCIS, NCIS, what is there to say in respect to this series that is either funny or informative? Oh, there is a goth female character on this series that wears a spiked collar to her work, which is some sort of Government agency. It appears the federalies have lowered their standards or else they’re all sadists on this series, because that is fucking ridiculous. The only television series we’ve ever followed that dealt with cops and criminals was The Wire, can you imagine Ronnie Pearlman showing up at the court house wearing a spiked collar?

10PM: Numb3rs

Can someone explain to me the concept of the “3″ in the show title representing an “E”. It’s a backwards “E”, but isn’t that just the thing? It’s backwards? Why not make the “b” a “6″ or the “r” a “7″ or just put the whole title in brail and tell us to go fuck ourselves if we can’t read it? Whatever. The fact I’ve had to write about this series more than once makes me want to cut index fingers off and jam them into my ears. I’d be willing to bet that if you were to take the synopsis’ of this series, CSI, Eleventh Hour, NCIS, The Mentalist & The Unit and asked a fan to distinguish the plot of his/her favorite series from the rest, we are looking at about a 20% success rate.

Recaps later.

A second day of links. Don’t blame us, blame the unbalanced television schedules from every network, cable and broadcast alike.

Not sure if anyone has noticed since it is on Friday night, but NBC has made a television adaptation for “Robinson Crusoe”, a book that every English Lit major has to read and 40% of them pretend to find it insightful or relevant in any way. The TV series, entitled Crusoe, is getting some favorable ratings, but it probably has a Titanic like budget and, again, is on Friday nights. We hope you fans get a full season out of this, but we’re skeptical.

If everyone is going to be so well groomed, they probably shouldn't have used the glossiest lense they could find.

Speaking of adaptations, Starz has brought a television version of the film Crash to the small screen that goes by the same name. The heavy-handed Oscar winner that is now hip to dismiss as self-important and cliched debuted sometime last week, we saw it on and skipped through it without batting an eye? Why, because we want to be hip, of course, but also since we can’t imagine a series being conjured up from that film. For the uninitiated, the film revolves around a bunch of freak occurrences in Los Angeles, intertwining the stories of several characters of every imaginable ethnicity and how each character’s subconscious racism/pre-set notions effects how they react under very abnormal circumstances.

Its fundamental purpose, as far as we can tell, was making white, upper-middle class baby-boomers feel good about their liberalism. But the basic premise was a stretch then and it’s even more so with a television series. I am sure it will deviate from the film quite a bit, but what is the motivation to watch? Much less recommend.

And this is probably the finest example of why television still isn’t respected as a narrative form: Kristen Cavallari will be making a cameo on CSI. I can’t think of a better reason to hate this country than this girl’s fiscal success. MTV markets her as something to aspire to be, keeps her on television for half a decade as people watch her and her friends have slow, inconsequential, mundane conversations while they shop, she claims to be an “actress”, and CSI throws her a cameo hoping to attract an even larger audience of shit heads than they already do. To some extent, you have to love how unwarranted and shallow and simple and cynical all of this is, and how excepting everyone seems to be of it. On another, it makes you want to move into the woods and forgo all levels of consumerism.

Jamie Lynn-Sigler is set to make cameos on How I Met Your Mother and Entourage in the coming weeks. We welcome Miss Meadow’s return to television, but when you are on such an iconic series it is hard to gain notoriety for anything other than said character. Just ask Jason Alexander, who I believe is making is 70th guest appearance on Bill Maher’s show this Friday. I mean, judging by the previews she is playing herself on Entourage, and I am confident there will be about a dozen mob references from Drama and Vince (she is supposedly going to be relationship interest for Turtle). To say the least, this isn’t going to help her cause if she wants a career after this fall.

CBS, desperate to prove they do not have a liberal bone in their bodies, has now contracted Rob Riggle to develop a sitcom for them. Making him the third Daily Show correspondent asked to deliver a second sitcom from the satirical news show. This is good news for CBS, Riggle, Jason Jones and Samantha Bee; and bad news for Daily Show, whose replacements for Ed Helms, Stephen Colbert, Rob Cordry and Steve Carell took a long, long time to find their respective groove that could even rival their predecessors. At least they still have John Oliver, and the occasional appearance from Larry Wilmore and Demitri Martin; but right now their bench is lacking depth.

And finally, FOX might be closing a deal with Will Arnett, who by all accounts, hasn’t been involved in anything funny since Arrested Development. That is just personal opinion. Admittedly we never saw Blades of Glory and several people seemed to enjoy that nonsensical internet video with cardboard cutouts of the Olsen twins. But for whatever reason we still regard this as a good thing, probably because it might lead to us watching a series on FOX for the first time since Arrested went off the air.

South Park recap tomorrow.

Given that we are in the middle of a tax audit at our work, we are extraordinarily late to posting today. We apologize for that. We also apologize for this being our only post of the day, given how unapologetically short it would seem, if we hadn’t already apologized. I dare you to try to get the word “apologized” or some conjunction of it into into one sentence more times than we just did.

But since it is 6pm and we haven’t watched any television outside of football for the 44 hours, all of you are getting some links, despite our promise for daily nightly previews this week. We’ll get around to that eventually, but since so many series’ are going to be canceled before they get to their third episode, we’re in no hurry.

Whoa, this is unexpected: FX has canceled The Riches. I assume it never reached the ratings heights of…Rescue Me? Nip Tuck? Whatever it is, its not like the expectations are all that high, and it was regularly nominated for Emmy’s or whatever else. The star power must have really ran up the budget costs to the point they deemed it not necessary. I would have watched this show, but for whatever reason Eddie Izzard annoys the hell out of me.

It’s not exactly Israel and Palestine, but David Letterman and John McCain are looking to make amends from the weeks endless subtrefuge, bringing an end to one sideshow in an election rittled with sideshows. If nothing else, this will bring Letterman’s nightly McCain joke average down to four from the standard 17 we’ve become accustom too. Hey, speaking of sideshows….

Sarah Palin has plans to mock Tina Fey in a similar fashion to how Fey mocks her. God, is there anything that isn’t cringe-worthy about this woman. For someone who is aspiring to the second highest office in the country, challenging a comedian seems like the least of her concerns. Anyhow, we’ve made our feelings clear on Fey’s impersonation, but her most recent skit covering the debate took it up a notch.

Do they really look alike, or do they both just wear glasses?

My Boys, probably the fluffiest fluff on television, has been renewed for a third season slated to premiere early 2009. This isn’t exactly hearing the Curb is coming back, but certainly has its niche audience and the cast seems to have good chemistry. We, for one, welcome the return of the most tolerable television show geared towards women that is currently making new episodes. Trust me, if you are dating someone you’d much rather hear you’re in for a night of My Boys than a night of Lipstick Jungle. For one, it’s shorter. Secondly, it doesn’t revolve around a bunch of rich women lamenting the hardships of being rich women.

Josh Whedon put his house on the market for $3.7 million. Josh Whedon, if you do not recall, was the creator of the critically acclaimed Buffy television series and directed at least one episode of The Office (among other accolades, I’m sure). Meanwhile, I am still getting free Maxim magazines from the guy’s subscription who lived in my apartment before me. You tell me, who’s the real winner here?

Sons Of Anarachy has been renewed, probably out of spite for us promising to review it and never doing so. Fuck off, FX. You might have our loyal viewership, but you’ll never have our respect.

The Mentalist is getting a full first season from CBS. For whatever reason 15 million people are watching this show, and that is understandable. I mean, yeah, it is another crime drama from CBS. But this is a crime drama lead by a psychic, and CBS viewers just aren’t privy to that kind of a twist in the premise, man.

And finally, Entourage earned a sixth season. I guess HBO producers came to this conclusion before seeing their most recent trainwreck. Seriously, upon further review, that might have been the worst half hour of television I’ve ever sat through without batting an eye. Clearly I need a social life.

Back with more tomorrow.