Grid Effect

Upon looking at the Nielsen Ratings from December 11th-17th I have concluded that there is no saving the eventual demise of quality narrative in television. If professional and collegiate mainstream sports ever fall the way that film and television has, we would be watching midget thumb wrestling and minature golf tournaments in greater numbers than we currently watch The Superbowl. That’s how dismal network series’ are. Let’s rundown the top ten Nielsen shows from last week:

CSI was holding three of the top ten spots (6, 7, 10), Criminal Minds checked in at #5, and NCIS is the top rated show from the week in question. This is redundancy personified. Each of these series have character arcs that begin and end in the same episode, with every episode replicating the one before it. There is always some insignificant difference, like the girl was murdered by her dad in the woods as opposed to the boy being murdered by the bell hop in the elevator, which is negligible too say the least.
The character’s mannerisms and emotional development is akin to that of The Terminator. No one and nothing about these series are layered. The story is setup, presented and resolved by the 55 minute mark with no reprecussions.
What is most infuriating about the existence of shows such as these, is the manner in which people liken them to something as phenomenal as The Wire, when people ask me what it is about, the obligatory response is always, “Oh, I love CSI“. Look, I don’t mind people watching CSI or Without A Trace or anything else. To each his own, right? But please don’t mention any of these corny, psuedo-cop dramas in the same breath as The Wire. Thanks.

Is there a body in that car? You’ll know in a little under an hour.

Deal or No Deal is/was the second highest rated show according to Nielsen’s. I am going to be optimistic about this, and assume that several families with young children are tuning in too watch strangers randomly open briefcases, which is acceptable. Deal or No Deal is formulaic, simple and uncontroversial, and as far as primetime is concerned, family programming is suddenly an untapped market (Remember the days of Full House and Step By Step? Anyone?). And too be honest, the production on game shows is so affordable, that if they turn commendable ratings, then no one can blame the networks for continually throwing them on air.

Two and a Half Men is the eigth rated show on air, making this swill the highest rated comedy series in the country… How? Why? When? All valid questions that you should be asking yourself. It is never a good sign when you can immediately predict how a character is going to respond too any situation, and that’s what I experience when I watch Two and a Half Men.
Also, it seems like if you’re a guy, you ultimately have too be a masochist too enjoy this show, because I have never seen a character more emasculated than whoever Charlie Sheen’s brother is. It’s not offensive or anything, just a tired and overused sitcom gimmick, devoid of any originality and all artistic merit. That’s all.

The remaining three shows in the top ten are all understandable: The finale of Survivor: Cook Islands was astonishingly high at #3 (Surprising because from everything I had heard, the series was experiencing a ratings slump. I imagine this is similar to a movie grossing $12 million at the box office during a slow movie week, so it still finishes #1. That, and 16.4 million viewers is probably low for Survivor finale standards).

House checked in at #4, and while I do not watch it, I can certainly understand the appeal. It’s a medical drama, but at least it’s an atypical medical drama. Most fans seem too enjoy it for the lead role, and while I am disinterested in the “doctor who doesn’t play by the rules” theme, it has Grey’s Anatomy and ER soundly trumped in creativity.

And Sunday Night Football clocked in at #10. The only surprise here is that it wasn’t higher.

What is surprising is neither Heroes nor Ugly Betty cracking this list. I keep hearing about what ratings juggernauts these two series are and neither of them cracks the top ten? Maybe neither of them were airing new episodes during this particular week? Either way, on a second look of this ratings turnout I am pretty much resigned too the fact that Jerry Bruckheimer is going to eventually rule the world with his cliched iron fist. David Caruso will be his second in command and they will interrogate rebels with lines like, “I know what you did, and I’m not going to let you get away with it”. I hope everyone is still enjoying it by then.

While every series is on break for the holidays, their is a dearth of watchable television. I would recommend going out and doing something proactive, but if you feel like being lazy, here is the best of the worst:

1) The Wire, 8pm est HBO2.
Actually, it doesn’t get much better than this. HBO is running the first three episodes from the fourth season of the critically acclaimed series. You have too start watching this season from its premiere (and really the season premiere is necessary to understand every character arc), seeing the transformation of the four boys it focuses on is uncanny.

2) Da Ali G Show, 10pm est. HBOC
The show that spawned Borat, see Sacha Baron Cohen embarrass and humiliate unsuspecting yokels under the guise of Borat, as well as Bruno and Ali G, his other two characters.

3) Costas NOW, 12:35pm est. HBO
For those with nothing to do tomorrow, watch Bob Costas’ retrospective look in the year in sports. Few sports journalists provide as much insight and professional analysis as Costas. The closing montage with his soliloquy as a voice over is fantastic.

4) The Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35pm est. CBS
Our first non-HBO recommendation for the evening. Marv Albert is a guest (He is playing second fiddle to Beyonce Knowles), not too mention night in, night out, Letterman delivers.

5) Curb Your Enthusiasm, 7:30pm & 10:30pm est. HBOC
And just like that we are back into premium cable territory. The episode entitled “Ben’s Birthday Party” details Larry David impaling Ben Stiller in the eye with a skewer. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will.

6) The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, 11pm & 11:30pm est. Comedy Central
These variety shows are best in breed, regardless of your political convictions, if you can’t laugh at either of these then you probably take yourself too seriously.

That’s it. There is nothing else I can recommend in good conscious.

After an eventful weekend in the sunshine swing state, I came home to discover that what I had recorded for Thursday was a clip show of Survivor and the season premiere The Office being reran. I am assuming this is a result of the World Series running last week, but no one watches the World Series unless the Red Sox, Yankees or Cubs are integrally involved, so I can’t explain the logic.

In any event, Survivor was a lame duck. It was chock full of “never before seen” clips and recapping how and why past contestants were voted off. Essentially all we learn that we may or may not have already known is that the Raro tribe is easily influenced. Every single one of them outside of Jenny and maybe Nate. The minute anyone of them offers a suggestion as to who should be voted off, everyone agrees except for that person and the persuasion necessary is minimal. Not exactly the alpha dogs one would expect the producers to select. It’s possible they all went to the Aitu tribe, that would certainly explain why they have won virtually every single challenge.

The Office simply reran the season three premiere. I can’t imagine Oscar Nunez was entirely thrilled about his character being outed in this episode, which tentatively ended his role in the series. I am sure he will resurface from his three month paid vacation before the end of the season, mainly because the concept is a comedic goldmine.

Lastly, I thought I would spread the word about the new Mitchell Hurwitz series in the works. For those who don’t know, Hurwitz is responsible for creating the now cancelled Arrested Development, which I have a very high opinion of. Anyhow, the new series is a british import entitled The Thick of It and revolves around the lives of incompetent politicians. I am optimistic based on the premise alone.

More on The Wire and Friday Night Lights tomorrow.