Grid Effect

We’ve never done one of these for a Friday or Saturday night. One, because these two nights are generally where series’ go to die. Two, even if they weren’t, no one watches television on weekend nights, and if they do, the viewing preference tends to be either sports or film. And three, it’s rare if there are even series’ on any of the major channels, usually it’s some sort of variety show or a five year old movie. So doing a preview for that always seemed pointless, but that is where we are with this television blog. Willfully writing posts we know are pointless. And even more so than usual!

NBC

8pm: Most Outrageous Moments

We’ve commented on this series before, as we did not really understand the context. But it looks like it is the exact same format as America’s Funniest Home Videos with a more ambiguous title and wholesome show host. Not exactly our cup of tea, but we understand its mainstream appeal, few Americans find anything funnier than someone repeatedly being kicked in the groin. “Haha, he’ll never be able to bear children. It’s hilarious!”

9-11pm: Dateline

We’re not avid viewers of the magazine journalism series, but if you look at its webpage, it seems like the show’s sole reason for existence is to make you believe that everyone you see in public poses some imminent threat. To which I say: Good for them. We do not have nearly enough paranoia in this country. I’m just glad to see someone has taken up the cause of keeping us all on our toes.

ABC

8pm: AFV

Alright, this is actually an abbreviated acronym for America’s Funniest Home Videos. Why is it abbreviated? Well, because there is no “H” for home. Where did the “H” go, though? They probably did some market research that revealed that people do not respond kindly to the letter because it reminds them of “Hussein”, or people do not like four letter acronyms because they’re generally the territory of some fringe lobbyist group, like PETA.

Anyhow, the strike has brought us home video shows going head to head in a primetime slot. The ramifications of this are yet to be determined. We’ll have to wait a few years to see if this is a good thing that it’s at least done on a Friday night, or if it’s a bad thing that it’s taking place at all.

9pm: According To Jim

Back to back repeats on a Friday night….Well, it’s good to see our evening plans have been made for us. Few things are more rewarding on a warm Summer night in June than curling up on the couch to watch a full hour (with commercials!) of G-rated “That’s what she said” jokes.

10pm: 20/20

Outside of According To Jim, NBC and ABC are essentially mirror images of each other tonight. If I’m planning on watching any of this swill tonight, I’m going to NBC for my wacky “caught on camera” clip show, then heading over to ABC for the superior TV journalism, and that is despite my intense hatred for all things ABC.

FOX

8-10pm: White Chicks

One day they’ll look back and say, “those were the glory days”.

Wow, FOX isn’t even trying. I mean, they are mailing in an entire evening of subpar ratings with a subpar movie that no one watched when it came out. Get ready to be destroyed by According To Jim reruns. I mean, they could have at least sprung for Deuce Bigalow. It’s still tripe, but it’s tripe that drew a decent box office.

CBS

8-10pm: Ghost Whisperer

It appears Friday night in June is repeat night for the networks. Unless you’re doing hard-hitting journalism like investigating a murder that took place ten years ago, you are going into the vault. Speaking of Ghost Whisperer, we mentioned earlier that Friday night is where network series’ go to die, so is the Jennifer Lover Hewitt vehicle the longest running Friday night series of all time? It’s been about five years, has anything in recent history even come close without being moved to a more desirable slot? there’s a feather in your cap, Miss Hewitt.

10pm: Numbers

Yes, I’m aware the title has the number “3″ in place of the lowercase “e”. But we’re not quite willing to acknowledge that as part of the lexicon. Sorry Numbers fans. Anyhow, we’re familiar with this series for one reason and one reason only, this is the series that pulled Diane Farr off of Rescue Me. The lone interesting (albeit often hypocritical) female character in the firehouse (or on the entire series, really). So fuck you, Numbers. Being on Friday night means you’re not long for this world and we couldn’t be any happier.

Those are your options for tonight. If you’re like most people, and you like to get out one night and stay in on the other during your weekends, we recommend getting out tonight, because tomorrow literally can’t be any worse.

Also, one quick note before parting ways, Alan Sepinwall’s second Wire recap has been posted. If you were a fan of the series, we strongly encourage reading not only this one, but all of them. As far as we know, no one has dissected the first season episode by episode. At least not in this detail. Enjoy.

We haven’t done a Monday night preview in about five months. Granted, that is only a small fraction of time (January-May) in most television seasons. But since we were in the middle of a labor strike then, and we aren’t now, it might be fitting to review how our options have changed. Considering this is what we tend to think of most television executives, I’m guessing they’ll leave something to be desired.

NBC

8pm: American Gladiators
I have a friend in Miami who watches this show religiously, and while we haven’t gotten around to seeing more than a couple of events, we strongly disregard this. Why is that, you ask? Because we had to watch the show for roughly a half hour to see those couple of events, they ate up maybe seven or eight minutes (there’s no way in hell they occupied a third of their airtime), while the other twenty-two were filled with commercials, challenge summaries and a human interest story to remind us that American Gladiator contestants are regular people, just like you and me. So, if you’re interested in seeing people compete in random challenges on varying obstacle courses but do not like the social and domestic sides of Survivor, this is the game show for you.

9:30pm: Dateline
No idea what tonight’s episode “investigates”, but if they’re not cornering and humiliating would be pedophiles, then were not interested.

ABC
8pm: Dancing With The Stars
What’s really sad about this show is the people who compete on it, regardless of what they may have accomplished that got them there in the first place, they will first and foremost be remembered for whoring themselves out on a ballroom dance competition in an ill-fated attempt to rejuvenate their career. We suspect Denise Richards will appear on this sometime soon, though the show might be too big for her. To E! with you, young lady.

9pm: Bachelorette
Tonight is the premiere of twenty man whores vying for the affections of one woman, why they don’t just put their cameras in a bar on a Saturday night is beyond me, but this is what happens when you over-complicate things. Seriously, we’d rather watch the Sex and The City movie than go within five channels of The Bachelor or any or variance of the franchise.

FOX
8pm: Bones
In addition to the sitcoms we mentioned last week, this is part of the CBS-ization of FOX. As far as I know, the series is about attractive late 20’s early 30’s forensic psychologists who solve cold cases. See, that incorporates two CBS cop dramas in one. Man, say what you will about FOX, but they are nothing if not efficient.

We feel our characterization is pretty apt. We forgot about the patriarch second from the back, though.

9pm: House
We heard, that in tonight’s episode Dr. House surgically removes his own bowels for the benefit of a dying older woman. He stays alive through the majesty marshmallow creme and insulin shots until they can find a suitable organ donor. Riveting.

CBS
8pm: Big Bang Theory
Socially dysfunctional nerds learn to co-habitat with an attractive but dense woman and everyone learns acceptance and grows as a result.

8:30pm: How I Met Your Mother
The kid from Doogie Howser, the girl from American Pie, the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Britney Spears and two other people all engage in wacky hijinks to a hilarious result.

9pm: Two and a Half Men
Two brothers, one with a son from a failed marriage, with contrasting lifestyles learn to co-habitat through the genius of innuendo and puns.

9:30pm: Rules of Engagement
Your typical “married life is awful” series, with David Spade as the swinging fifty-something bachelor to contrast the misery of the two married couples.

10pm: CSI: Miami
We go from the failed attempt at comedy, to comedy being an unintended result of their ratings monster of a cop drama. Honestly, I defy you to control your laughter when David Caruso whips off his glasses and sticks it to a fellow detective, just like they do in real life.

In conclusion, we hope the Spurs-Hornets game isn’t another blowout.

As is often the case, Wednesday never feels like it is closer to the weekend than Tuesday even though it technically is. And still, your broadcast networks are dead set on making the middle of your week seem as long as humanly possible. After the rundown of what’s available tonight, you’ll hopefully find some other way to spend your free time or be in bed by 8pm.

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
It bears mentioning that this show is on for two hours tonight. Two fucking hours. For whoever is out there watching this broadcast in full, I really hope you’re studying or applying for jobs or receiving or giving oral to your significant other or anything else that simultaneously warrants your attention. Because right now I have this mental image of some guy sitting on the edge of his couch, eagerly awaiting the decision by a contestant, then she dramatically hits the button and he leaps in the air screaming, “He took it! He took the $200,000 grand!” and it will certainly haunt my dreams.

10pm: Law & Order
The original, without any fancy and menacing subtitles. I haven’t verified, but I’m pretty sure at 10pm on NBC, every weeknight short of Thursday is occupied by a Law & Order episode. You know what’s really depressing? Between this and its lead in, this is probably NBC’s “big” ratings night.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
A liberal carnivore and a conservative vegan swap places and confused confrontation ensues. The final tally for this episode: four crying jags, three idle death threats, seven humiliated children and about forty unseen horrified extended family members. Collateral damage, we say. Nothing like victimizing yourself, friends and family all for the sake of participating in what’s probably the lowest brow of entertainment imaginable.

9pm: Supernanny
“Jo encounters the strangest sleeping arrangements she’s ever seen.” So says the description for the episode. And really? Sleeping arrangements? This is occupying two hours of pre-taped television? Well, sure you have to move some beds around, potentially some other furniture to create additional space, then determine who will sleep where; but I can’t envision this taking more than twenty, thirty minutes. Forty, tops. But hey, I’m going to go home after work today and possibly watch the NBA playoffs after I mow my sister’s lawn, maybe ABC wants to put that on national television as well.

10pm: Men In Trees
This looks like another coming of age series akin to What About Brian? and October Road, of which ABC is only marginally famous for, so we’re not sure why they keep making them. But if forced to guess, the title is some sort of description of their jobs and also a metaphor for the male characters being regarded as immature for their age. So they all find women to teach them that being an adult means coordinating your living room, or something.

This photo, looks mightily similar to this one for October Road.

FOX

8pm: ‘Til Death
This is the one with Brad Garrett playing the monotone disgruntled husband as opposed to the monotone disgruntled brother. More so than anything we’re surprised this is still on the air. The saving grace at least for tonight’s episode is JB Smoove, who almost single handedly redeemed the most recent Curb season as Leon, is making a guest appearance.

8:30pm: Back To You
Never watched it, but just like its lead in, we are astonished this made it through the strike. Kelsey Grammar plays a news reporter and we imagine it’s as much of a dramedy as a flat out comedy. We really have nothing pithy to say about this.

9pm: American Idol
This neither. Actually, we hope David Archuleta is voted off, that way we don’t recognize any of the contestants names.

CBS

8pm: Big Brother
This was on last night. Is this shit overrunning the network now? Big Brother might be an improvement, but it’s still leaves a lot of room for more.

9pm: Criminal Minds
Oh thank god. that’s the CBS we know and love: Random cop dramas with aging actors and young actresses that no one can distinguish from CSI series’ on the same network.

10pm: CSI: NY
The original CSI, the one we can blame for all of it. Calling it old school would be disingenuous, because it’s like four years old, but its impact is so vast that on most nights we’d rather throw our television off a cliff than watch anything on the networks. Because about 40% of it was either directly or indirectly spawned from this very series (or Law and Order which pre-dates it, but we still maintain that it’s the superior show and didn’t have the negative impact CSI did).

In conclusion, watch South Park tonight.

Like we promised yesterday, here is a brief overview of what’s on the networks tonight from 8-11pm. It’s not for everybody. In fact, it shouldn’t be for anybody unless you’re completely stationary from a car accident or a life saving operation or something along those lines. In other words, under no circumstances should you be watching any of this nonsense. But, to each his own, right? Here are your options.

NBC

8pm: Most Outrageous Moments
Again, I have no idea what the context of this show is. Most outrageous moments on set? In a courthouse? In a home? At an impound lot? In general? We haven’t a fucking clue. But I’m sure it involves someone falling down at some point, probably after being kicked in the groin.

8:30: Saturday Night Live
It is Tuesday, but don’t let those distinctions distract you. It’s SNL, and it’s the best of Chris Farley. Even if it is one of those clip shows in which the majority of the special is former cast members rehashing the wonder that is Chris Farley, as opposed to actual archived sketches, this is still probably the best we’re going to do tonight.

10:00: Law And Order: SVU
It says it is all new, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t seen it a hundred different times. Brace yourselves for forty-two minutes of tough talk, then a tearful confession, followed by an unremorseful prosecutor saying something along the lines of, “If he wanted to stay out of prison, he should have stayed out of the street”.

ABC

8pm: According To Jim
What the fuck? How is this still on the air? This show is mocked even by CBS sitcoms and still gets a primetime slot on ABC? Jesus. Is Dinosaurs following this? Actually no, we’re getting back-to-back episodes of the Jim Belushi vehicle. Dinosaurs was at times charming, According To Jim would never be anything like that.

9pm: Dancing With The Stars
This country is getting dumber by the month. I swear to god if this show took place in the mid-90’s, Dancing With The Stars would be nothing more than jerk-off material for middle schoolers. Just sixteen years later and it is ABC’s golden child, thus explaining why I haven’t watched a show on ABC in fifteen years.

We’re only partially ashamed to admit that if we were twelve years old, we’d totally take advantage of this opportunity provided by ABC.

10pm: Boston Legal
Though fairly popular, it says something about your network when the highlight of your Tuesday night lineup is a spinoff legal drama from a show that debuted 11 years ago. If you watch tonight, take a poll with your friends guessing how far into the show the first double entendre will be used by either James Spader or William Shatner.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
I’ve yet to watch a second of any Idol season since it’s inaugural effort, and still I know who David Archuleta is. Or rather, I know why people know who he is. I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup or anything. It’s only 10pm, but I should really be drinking.

9pm: Hell’s Kitchen
What is FOX’s — and I guess by extension, America’s — obsession with abrasive Europeans? I’ve caught a couple episodes of this, and not that I can prepare a meal to save my life, but I’m sure there are better ways to deal with an undercooked steak than to put someone’s nuts through a cheese grater.

CBS

8pm: NCIS
This is the episode synopsis from the CBS webpage:

“When the dead body of arms dealer La Grenouille surfaces, the NCIS team is put under investigation for his murder by the FBI and Jenny Shepard becomes the prime suspect”

The fact that there isn’t a period at the end of this description is the most memorable thing about it. I’ve never watched the series, but if someone can explain how this diverges from every other episode they’ve ever aired, I’d be happy to listen.

9pm: Big Brother
Unless Ricky Gervais is going to make a surprise appearance, then I want nothing to do with it, and I have nothing to say. Not that I consider it any worse than 90% of the aforementioned shows, but I still have no idea what the goal of the contestants is, but I know it’s a competition of some sort.

10pm: 48 Hours Mystery
Say what you will, but dramatic reenactments are probably the most critically lauded CBS programming that is airing tonight. Here’s hoping they catch whatever sick fuck they’re looking for.

So there are your options. I never thought I’d rather work than watch what the networks are offering up, but there it is. We recommend watching the NBA playoffs, Beauty and The Geek, or animal videos on youtube all as superior alternatives.

Some links for the day. This might be a recurring theme this week with just about all decent television taking the week off so as not to interfere with the magnificent beast that is the NCAA tournament. And by “all decent television” I mean Survivor. South Park should still be on Wednesday.

Apparently there was a series called The Return of Jezebel James on FOX at some point, and apparently they have also canceled this series. That’s a shame, you know? It would have been great if it was on air long enough for me to actually know it existed. Given how television works nowadays, this was probably the next Mash or something because great shows seldom generate an audience anymore.

Jezebel James starred these two…I’m already a fan.

Ryan Seacrest wants to “rule television”, this is eerily similar to LeBron James’ aspirations to be a “”Global Icon”. Listen guys, you’re a TV host and a basketball player, there is only so much either of you can do from the line of work you have chosen. Disney rules television, Seacrest, alright? You’re just a fucking patsy. And LeBron? There are no more global icons, because everybody hates everyone else. Don’t make me go all Arthur Jensen on a fucking television blog.

Prison Break’s fourth season is ready to shoot. That is going to be a helluva payoff when they finally make their escape. Unless it’s like Life and the series is a collection of multiple failed attempts.

Christopher J. Clanton, better known as Savino to Wire fans, was stabbed coming out of a Baltimore night club. Here’s wishing him well in his recovery and acting career, which probably won’t take off anytime soon since the only outlet for black actors now that The Wire is off the air is McDonald’s commercials.

If you fancy yourself a fan of Daily Show alumnus’, here’s Colbert and Carell on The Dana Carvey Show.

And finally, you know what is a good barometer for fame and power in this country? When your dog dying makes the news. If you had a pet at some point during your tenure as a celebrity and it passed without making any headlines, then you should be officially barred from The Oscars.

Back with more of the same tomorrow, I imagine.

We hate the phrasing of this post’s title, but the Oscars are the lone annual event that allows us to write about movies on a television blog, so we’ll be “live blogging” them tonight. Comments will appear roughly every commercial break. And no, we’re not blogging any red carpet nonsense. It’s bad enough we’re actually available to do this, it would usher us into a whole new stratosphere of monotony to blather on about how pregnant actresses look in evening gowns. Besides, that already consumes enough of our free time.

So join us tonight, as we disparage anything and everything under the sun for virtually no reason at all.

We still have a myriad of viewing options but none of them all that desirable, which seems more depressing than if there was literally nothing on at all. At least if every network blacked out, then there would be an excuse for why we have nothing to watch other than everything on television is D-rate garbage. As if to illustrate our point, here’s a short preview of what’s on tap for your network viewing on this, the night of February 20, 2008.

Side note: Little has changed since the last Wednesday we did this, our apologies.

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
With the way contestants on this show let their idiot friends and family members influence their poor decisions, I think these are simply Moment of Truth contestants waiting to happen.

9-11pm: Law and Order
It’s two different franchises for the two episodes, but other than the faces you’re staring at, does it really matter which is which?

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
True story: In this episode, one of the kids sets her parents house on fire and is sentenced to prison until she is twenty-one. Her mother, who wasn’t present at the time of the incident, goes after her now estranged husband and the swapped wife with a machete during the meeting stage of the show…only to be mowed down in a hail of bullets by one of the producers, who finds he has to do this all too frequently and voluntarily pulls his reality series off the air, and subsequently leads an altruistic existence from that point on. Pondering his life’s decisions to force feed the American public something so contrived and exploitive.

9pm: Supernanny
Similar story to Wife Swap, except with a nanny instead of a surrogate reality mom.

10pm: Cashmere Mafia
I know these series’ are mindless entertainment, but Christ do they piss me off. Sex and The City managed to make women who already thrived on shallowness and materialism even more shallow and materialistic. And now it’s being replicated. I mean, just look at that fucking title. At least these series’ middling ratings indicate premature cancellations (that’s the closest thing to a Tobias Fumke-ism I think I’ve ever written), meaning neither this nor “Lipstick Jungle” were in the top twenty last week.

FOX

8-10pm: American Idol
Clearly this whole fad is going to blow over soon.

CBS

8pm: Big Brother 9
I know what this show is. Like, a gaggle of random people live in a house together while cameras catch watch their every move or whatever, but what’s the objective for the people on it? Are they competing for something? The only snippet I’ve seen was from the Extras finale, and they had to randomly participate in degrading acts like pass a large plastic dinosaur egg from one person to the next using only their legs. Or something. Either way it looks like utter tripe and we’re not watching it, just mildly curious.

Ahh yes, the insincere hug. A staple of trash reality television.

9pm: Criminal Minds
It’s a good thing CBS picked up Dexter reruns. Obviously they’re not hosting enough formulaic police procedurals.

10pm: CSI: NY
If I was forced to choose between this and its lead-in, since either choice is on a purely superficial level I’m probably going with CSI, strictly because they seem to have a more attractive female cast. It’s a shame I can’t think of another reason to tune in, see what all the fuss is about; because a couple pretty faces isn’t getting it done.

Besides, even if there were a valid motive we’d still avoid it like the plague. If you want to watch something decent on television tonight, Jon Stewart is on Larry King tonight from 9-10pm est. with a rerun at midnight; and Shaq makes his debut with the Suns against — and I can’t think of a more fitting return — the Lakers.

A great night of television, just nothing scripted is all.

A couple highly rated programs are on tap tonight, so we figured it convenient to preview this evenings network lineups. We didn’t watch any television beyond the OSU-PSU basketball game and rewatch the new Wire episode, so we are left with little material. Anyhow, though we aren’t exactly fans of anything airing, there is a variety of options to choose from so why not do an overview?

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
Our feelings about this show have been made quite clear. But this week, we hear if you pick out a suitcase containing $100,000 or more, Howie Mandel douses you in that head slicker he liberally shines his dome with. Of course, that could always just be Mandel perspiration, in which case we wouldn’t wish that on anybody. See, if they actually did the former we might watch, but the show probably has to be moved to Nickelodeon for anyone to be doused with anything.

9-11pm: Law and Order
Two different episodes, probably a remarkably similar premise. We imagine a coed turns up dead and the main suspect is the boyfriend. In fact, they know it’s the boyfriend. Why? Because she was such an incorrigible bitch when they were dating (in TV Land, this qualifies as motive). But we are all stunned when it turns out to be her landlord or something. Who tearfully (yet comically) confesses while testifying that he didn’t mean to kill her…just scare her because she lead him on and he offered her a discounted rent as a result. This is surely how these episodes will go.

For those who don’t know, when Richard Belzer isn’t disparaging conservative politicians on Real Time, he plays a homicide detective on NBC.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
Oh My God! Two families with different lifestyles and different approaches to domestic duties switch matriarchs, and combative hilarity ensues, culminating with one of the husbands crying and one of the children cursing their TV mom.

9-11pm: Lost
Two hour season premiere, bitches. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on. Actually, our enthusiasm is a farce, we can’t stand this show. Apparently they’re going to run notes across the screen telling you facts about each of the characters, which is about the laziest narrative structure imaginable. What good are these facts if they never materialize on screen? It could just be footnotes from past seasons for new viewers they’re anticipating (due to the writer’s strike), but either way it strikes us as tacky. Oh, and ABC is referring to this as an “enhanced version”. Meaning, if you were lucky ABC would always put into text what they can’t fit into plot.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
If you want to see a middle-aged British man cut seventeen year-olds down to size because they are unfit to compete on an elaborate talent show, no one does it better than American Idol. Its genius is its simplicity. Tonight they’re in Miami, so he’s bound to put some impoverished immigrants in their place to the amusement of the masses.

9pm: Moment of Truth
Unlike its lead-in, at least the people get paid for the national exploitation. Of course, after the divorce and other inevitable legal issues, that take-home prize will probably be swallowed up by lawyers. Still, the chance for a pay day is there.

CBS

8pm: The New Adventures of Old Christine
The show that supposedly broke the Seinfeld curse that nobody watches. If Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t gotten an Emmy for her role on this after it was already canceled a couple years ago, this show would have been long forgotten. Instead, Elaine gets a bullshit Emmy on name recognition and it continues to haunt the airwaves for two more years. Anyways, there are two episodes on tonight.

9pm: Criminal Minds
If these shows even remotely resembled the country we lived in, one would assume that the U.S. had a Gaza Strip level of violence and you are lucky if you make it to work alive. Tonight’s episode details the investigation of home invasion murders, which will probably be treated like another day at the office. Christ, even The Wire treats a home invasion murder as something out of the ordinary, and it is set in fucking Baltimore.

10pm: CSI: NY
“Mac and the team find human blood on the crown of the Statue of Liberty, leading them on a race against time to save a famous musician from death at the hands of a vigilante.”

This is the episode description on CBS’ website. It sounds more like Treasure Hunters than a cop procedural. Of course, nothing about any CSI has ever resembled a realistic crime investigation.

Enjoy your bevy of options. While we’re not going to watch any of this, at least there is a wide variety of material, even if it’s all easily dismissed.

We were going to post some initial thoughts on AMC’s new series, Breaking Bad. But, alas, we sat down to watch it at midnight, stumbled through HBO On Demand and noticed that the new Wire episode had already been posted. So obviously that took precedent. And its so fucking great we’re not going to say a single fucking word about it. So, as an alternative, here’s what’s on your broadcast networks tonight.

NBC

8pm: American Gladiators
Probably the best low-brow entertainment ever created. It’s like MXC for the US. The difference being that when someone falls off the obstacle into the water, on Gladiators that water isn’t scolding hot. Still, they could probably do without Hulk Hogan hosting it, it already feels like something consumed by every meathead in this country, having the Hulkster there just makes it seem like more of a WWE event.

9pm: Deal or No Deal
Every joke that could possibly be made about this series has already been said. The only way its attracting more fans is if someone picks the wrong suitcase they have to sacrifice something equivalent to what they could have earned. That way when a contestant has two cases left, one totaling $500,000, the other totaling five dollars and an offer of $250,000, he/she will think twice about “risking” it.

10pm: Medium
Probably the worst critically acclaimed series on television, though that is certainly up for debate. Really, we have a hard time distinguishing this series’ artistry from Ghost Whisperer.

ABC

8pm: Dance War
We have no idea what this is, but we assume it will be a reality TV version of You Got Served, because somehow competitive dancing has turned into a mainstream phenomenon, and people actually take movies like You Got Served and TV shows like Dancing With The Stars seriously. A fact we find tremendously depressing. If they brought on some militant Russian broad like the one that gave me a large wooden spoon for Christmas when she lived with my family in high school while my sister was practicing dance, then maybe I’d watch. Then again, I probably wouldn’t.

9:30pm: Note From The Underbelly
Never seen it, but have caught several ads while watching sporting events. From what we can gather, since every ad involves a guy saying something a bit oafishly, then a woman responding with some witty retort and walking away triumphantly, we’re probably better off staying away, for the betterment of our sanity.

10pm: October Road
This is like a more sensitive version of What About Brian?. Which is like saying something is the brutal version of There Will Be Blood (great fucking movie by the way). In short, regardless of gender I’m pretty sure that if you watch this series you immediately start menstruating.

Members of the October Road cast. If you’re lucky, only two of the three will have cried by episode’s end.

FOX

8pm: Prison Break
Umm, Robert Wisdom is on it. What’s really astonishing is he’s more famous for being on this series than that linked clip. At times I think the American public doesn’t deserve to see an end to the writer’s strike.

9pm: Sarah Connor Chronicles
I guess we’re now willing to recognize that this series exists, but still not watch or endorse it in any way. Please develop some original concepts instead of adapting fifteen year old action movies for television. With every passing day it becomes harder and harder to fathom that this is the network that greenlit Arrested Development.

CBS

8-10pm: Two hours of censored dick jokes.
That’s right, How I met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Two and A Half Men and Rules of Engagement occupy these two hours. I suppose we should be encouraged, its the one night where CBS is running back-to-back-to-back forensics investigation dramas. Do these series have any redeeming qualities? Certainly, there’s probably a few decent laughs in a couple of these episodes. But does that warrant there existence? I would elect that no, no it doesn’t.

10pm: CSI: Miami
Yyyyessss! That is the CBS we know and love. It just didn’t feel right doing one of these posts without the obligatory hammering of high-production, low-substance CBS crime dramas. We haven’t seen tonight’s episode, but we’d be willing to bet that David Caruso at some point removes his sunglasses dramatically and proclaims a seemingly incidental death to be murder, and that he turns out to be right.

So yeah, it’s a good night for a movie. I recommend There Will Be Blood, this guy is like the Bugsy Siegel of oil drilling, only more depraved. Nip Tuck recap coming tomorrow.

No more than four months ago we were tussling between what to watch and what to record amongst Mad Men, The Office, Survivor and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia on Thursday nights. A myriad of options that usually carried Colbert and Stewart into lunch the following day.

Now, with the onset of The Strike and the season’s ending for many of the above series’, we have a clean slate. Nothing we feel obligated nor compelled to tune into. So we figured Thursday’s would be a choice day for a “what’s on tonight” post. Just to illustrate the dearth of options we are left with.

East coast bias effects the time zones on this site as well as the BCS.

NBC

8pm: My Name Is Earl
Not much to say about this series that hasn’t already been said. We do tend to think it’s one of the more overrated comedies to come around in awhile, but they try their hand at some original material and maintain a decent Nielsen rating, so more power to them, even if the show has somehow made Jaime Pressly a “credible” actress.

8:30pm: The Office
The first half of one of the many much maligned hour long episodes this season, “Dunder Mifflin Infinity”, where Ryan lays out his plan to modernize the fledging paper company. Which might not be a terrible idea, Sterling Cooper isn’t as behind the times as Dunder-Mifflin.

If the writers and producers could meet this degree of maturity, we might be watching a new episode tonight.

9pm: Celebrity Apprentice
Have yet to watch a millisecond of this, but all I can tell you is that Lennox Lewis, Gene Simmons and Jennie Finch are all on this…And that is probably the most depressing thing I’ve ever written on this site. Three people who were all great at one thing or another clinging desperately to a semblance of fame. Kind of reminds me of this.

10pm: ER
Yep, hasn’t been canceled since the last time we did this segment.

ABC

8pm: Ugly Betty
So a girl who’s aesthetically pedestrian according to the fashion world earns everyone’s respect through her adorableness and persistent work ethic? Is that the premise of this series? Because if so, then the consumers of such a lie need a reality check. Has anyone seen the Ali G episode where Bruno interviews several designers and critics during fashion week in New York? Yeah, those people aren’t exactly open-minded.

9pm: Grey’s Anatomy
The series that probably keeps us motivated to stay single! Seriously, watching this show makes me fret for humanity. It’s like going into a strip club, except with the exact opposite target audience.

10pm: Big Shots
It’s back! The canceled series is going to air the rest of there vaulted episodes. This is good for anyone who finds emasculated, whiny, rich, white men or ball busting peripheral female characters appealing. It’s like Cashmere Mafia except the ball busting women are the series’ focus. Is there a point in time where people will stop greenlighting this redundant tripe?

FOX

8pm: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
This is a reality show racing to see which is the more exploited demographic: the “genius” kids because they’re probably on the show against their will, or the moronic “adults” who are competing against kids who want nothing to do with this spectacle. My guess is the adults, because if you fail miserably on this show it’s something that you die with people remembering. The kids? Well, they have several years of therapy to look forward too, but that’s more a result of negligent parenting than anything else.

9pm: Don’t Forget The Lyrics
Haha, oh man. People attempting to remember the lyrics of some pop songs, and when they inevitably fuck it up they get mocked out by Wayne Brady and the pathetic live audience. Whew, what a hoot!

CBS

8-11pm: Without A Trace, CSI, Without A Trace
Do not have the time nor patience to mock the same show twice, or three times really. So we’ll just let clumping them altogether in the same category speak for itself. If you can give me one thematic or narrative difference between these two series’, then we will apologize profusely. But as our understanding is now this is like watching two Adam Sandler movies, then rewatching the former.

Okay, so television series’ have taken a hit recently. Still there is plenty of basketball to be watched and a litany of good to great movies out. We recommend one of these alternatives until the WGA and the studios make some progress.

Wire and FNL recaps tomorrow.

We took a day off that wasn’t a national holiday nor were we on any sort of vacation. The television options were just so piss poor that we couldn’t reasonably post anything of any substance. And today is no different, but lest we up and quit the site altogether we should post something, even if it’s strictly for hits. Or rather, avoiding a drop in our already low intake of hits. So, as has been our wont lately, we’ll just preview tonight’s options on the broadcast networks. As our expectations are always high.

Oh, and as a side note, we didn’t get a chance to watch any of the talk shows last night. We regularly don’t, but coming back from the strike would have been an exception. We hear Letterman was sporting a full grown beard, is this in protest I assume? Either way, we watched Fast Food Nation instead, and can guarantee we’ll never eating another hamburger. At least for a few months until we’ve forgotten about the film.

All eastern standard, naturally.

NBC
8pm: Deal or No Deal
So, like, the only people still watching this swill are the same people trying to get on it, right? I mean, this isn’t still bringing in a regular audience that millions of Americans still deem appointment television, is it? Oh, wait, never mind.

9pm: Celebrity Apprentice
Well, at least it’s new. We can’t get too high and mighty with this one since we unfortunately used to recap it. At least at the time it was people aspiring to be celebrities instead of falling celebrities grasping at straws. Actually, we’re not sure which is better: seeing some formally anonymous person embarrass him/herself on national television, or “Big Pussy” Bompensiero attempt to sell more beach towels at a pool than some tabloid whore who just put out a sex tape. Either way, the tag of this post sums up our feelings on this show.

Good luck to all the contestants in their noblest endeavors.

10pm: ER
You have to hand it to NBC, even in the wake of the strike they churn out a solid five hours of new, original programming from primetime to late night. But yeah, we don’t watch ER, never have and certainly never will.

ABC
8pm: Ugly Betty
I need to find a new gimmick in the wake of the writer’s strike, because I have absolutely nothing new to add here. We believe it to be a decent series but have never watched more than a few minutes of it, so even if it weren’t we can’t mock the series in any way without assuring a spot in hell.

9pm: Grey’s Anatomy
Where the doctors are like models and the hospitals are like burlesque houses. Also, we saw a preview for a movie with Katherine Heigl in it when we went to see Charlie Wilson’s War called 27 Dresses. It’s about a woman whose been a bridesmaid twenty-seven times and is feeling the societal and familial pressure to get married, but has yet to find a proper beau. Anyhow, after seeing the trailer in full, we determined we’d rather see the Sex and The City movie than this one; and we’d rather sew our thumbs to our toes than see the Sex and The City movie. So draw your own conclusions.

10pm: Desperate Housewives
Hey, speaking of desperate, I’d say randomly moving a series to a completely different weeknight to air a rerun qualifies as such. We wonder if Tony Parker has just taken to being publicly and literally whipped on his domineering forty years his senior wife’s “dramedy”? We use quotations because the series is neither particularly funny nor dramatic.

FOX
8pm: The Orange Bowl (the corporate sponsor can go fuck themselves)
Listen, while we have been advocating for a playoff since Oregon was snubbed in favor of Nebraska back in 2001 (the 2002 national title game), we have always enjoyed the bowl season. Irregular match-ups we typically don’t see as the nations best teams square off in a year end game for bragging rights (and if it’s not the national title game, that’s all their playing for). But the teams chosen to play each other are so random and illogical. Why pit Georgia, the third ranked team in the nation and the first team left out of the title game, against Hawaii: an undersized novelty team with more hype than it ever deserved? To relive the magic of Boise St-Oklahoma last year?

First off, Boise State last year would beat the snot out of Hawaii this year (neither are even as close to as good as Utah in 2004, who had to play the lowliest team ever to make the BCS, at least until Hawaii). Secondly, why not give us Georgia-USC? The two teams virtually every person with a reasonable perspective thought were the two best teams at the end of the season (though not the best resumes).

I’m sure if I flip over to anything tonight, it will probably be this, but Kansas, who wrongfully got in over Missouri, presumably because their fans will be more apt to travel, squaring off against Virginia Tech has about all the allure of a NFL-Euro game.

Bottom line is a playoff is imperative for the legitimacy of the sport. There is too much parity and too many cases to be made year in and year out. We’re heading down to the BCS title game this year to see if OSU can redeem itself after last year’s debacle in Glendale, and even if they do, the entire spectacle will feel, if not at that moment then at least in the long-term, wholly unsatisfying.

/tangent

CBS
8pm: Without A Trace
Ugh.

9pm: CSI
A total of five people solve all the crime in a city because the network doesn’t want to increase the budget for more actors nor do the writers want to increase their workload. Enjoy.

10pm: Without A Trace
Honestly, are they fucking kidding me? We figured this would happen, but not to this degree.

Back with something different tomorrow before we head down to Naw’lins.

Tis the season of reruns and horribly contrived game shows, and even this blog isn’t enough motivation to convince us to watch that shit. So, in lieu of anything else to discuss we’re going to do exactly what we did yesterday: list what’s available and probably disregard all of it. Why? Because we’re very particular, that’s why. (Again, all times are standard eastern)

CBS

8-10pm: CSI
Is there any doubt that CBS is getting through this writer’s strike by constantly bombarding the airwaves with cop dramas. And yes, Les Moonves’ network has filled the slot usually dawned for what’s now a redundant, trite reality series for a redundant, trite forensics series. Speaking of which…

10pm: Without A Trace
The title of the series embodies its genius, a slick investigative team searches for missing persons that 99% of the time end up dead. This weeks episode revolves around a stunt man, that I’m somewhat convinced is pulling an elaborate hoax (or I’m sure he’ll refer to it as a “stunt”) that he’ll surely be arrested for. And just as surely one of the characters (whichever one in a moral crisis that the main plot can symbolize) will rip off a witty one liner as they apprehend the criminal.

NBC

8-10pm: Comedy block
Four comedies, three of which have their moments and the fourth is the best comedy on network television today. Tonight’s rerun of The Office is “The Negotiation”, which can be read about here.

If you’re going to watch anything tonight, watch these people.

10pm: ER
God damn, I’m always amazed to discover that this series is still ticking. I went out with a girl from one of my classes once, and she suggested we go watch ER as it was “her show”. The episode was somewhat uneventful, it was like what a hospital would resemble if medicine was practiced in a dive bar. But this was in 2003, and even then it seemed implausible that someone’s favorite series could be a hospital drama that’s been around for over ten years at that point, I imagine her favorite comedy was The Simpsons. The fact that it’s still airing new episodes is either a credit to the writing staff, the desperation of NBC, or the staying power of George Clooney. My guess is it’s a culmination of all three.

ABC

8pm: Ugly Betty
We really feel like us watching this series hinges on us dating someone who does. Because while the premise sounds promising (a homely girl working in the fashion industry) we are going to be stereotypical about this and presume the subject matter isn’t there to hold our attention from week to week. Still, its probably the best thing ABC has available.

9pm: Grey’s Anatomy
It would be great if this entire cast would go after those vaunted film careers like they so clearly want to do, giving the network enough incentive to dismantle this show and opt out of recasting it. But after Patrick Dempsey’s late 90’s film career, we can guess that at least one character will always be around. We’ve only seen half of one episode, but from what we can gather its like if medicine were practiced in a swingers joint.

10pm: Private Practice
See above.

FOX

8-10pm: Ice Age
Because what’s the holiday season without some digitalized, talking, cold-weather animals?! And seriously, this is two nights in a row with out any reality smut from our conservative brethren, we’re starting to worry that Joe Millionaire won’t ever make its triumphant return to prime time.

Back tomorrow with a top ten (assuming we can fill that many slots) in 2007.

We’re in recovery mode as much as anyone else out there, hence the daily post being an hour or two later than usual. But, with the dearth of decent television on any day, at any time, we’re going to try something different around here. Instead of recapping something we found particularly thought provoking, we’ll preview some of what’s on the prime time lineup, and see if we can trick ourselves into watching something we know we won’t like. (All times are standard Eastern)

NBC
8pm: Most Outrageous Moments
We’re not sure what the context of this is, as in most outrageous televised moments, or most outrageous moments at family reunions, or while playing basketball or while painting the house…Essentially, it just means most outrageous moments in the universe, regardless of context. We won’t be watching, out of lack of perversion.

9-11pm: Law and Order: SVU
I believe this is the one in which everything is a little atypical, and was created solely for the purpose of competing with the CSI franchise. For instance, instead of the man raping the woman, the woman rapes the man, and it has us all on the edge of our seat before it ends with a neat little bow tied around it by the end of the hour. We’ve seen enough of these, will probably steer clear.

CBS
8pm: Criminal Minds
Not that we’re opposed to all crime procedurals, but what exactly separates this one from the one above?

These are supposedly the antagonists.

9-11pm: Kennedy Center Honors
A ton of celebrities patting each other on the back for respected careers. Sadly, if we watch anything on any of the networks, this will probably be it. In conclusion, we’re going to read a book.

ABC
8pm: Pushing Daisies
Supposed to be solid, but we’re just too lethargic to get into a new series at the moment, especially the middle of one that is so morbid.

9pm: Private Practice
I hope I’ve made it abundantly clear that the only thing that draws my ire more than cop procedurals are hospital melodramas.

10pm: Dirty Sexy money
Scratch the Kennedy honors comment, we might watch this depending on what comes in through netflix. Although we wouldn’t feel good about it.

FOX
8-10pm: Christmas with The Cranks
A hokey Christmas movie that we’d rather gouge our eyes out and dip our head in nuclear waste than actually watch. True story. Also, might I add that we were extremely disappointed to see this from FOX. Our brain is mushy enough from yesterday that we might be up for watching sentients and non-sentients compete in various physical acts of competition. Truly a disappointment.