Grid Effect

There really is no reasonable defense for the rash of imbecilic crap that’s slate for tonight. There really isn’t a sound defense for watching, airing or participating in any of this, on any level in any capacity. I’d rather be hunted when I go to Chicago than be forced to sit through any of what’s listed below. It makes Tuesday’s television options look like a Mad Men marathon. Anyhow, now that you’ve been suitably prepared, lets get to it so I can get the hell out of here.

NBC

8PM: Chopping Block

I’d never heard of this nor did I care to go to the homepage, but I just assumed it was some sort of crass reality/game show that centered around dating. Well, I was close, but it’s actually a competitive reality show about cooking. Is that a common phrase in cooking “chopping block” (like a utensil or something?) or are they using that title just because people get voted off? Anyhow, it’s Hell’s Kitchen on NBC, probably the best you can do when you’re desperately needing an audience, and the only people who watch TV en mass anymore apparently watch shit like this.

9PM: Dateline

Alright, I’m not visiting two different sites for these shows, but I have a question: is Dateline synonymous with “To Catch A Predator”? Does “To Catch A Predator” operate independently of Dateline or vice versa? I need to know what I’m not watching and don’t have any interest in.

ABC

It's the anti-"Wire"

8PM: Surviving Suburbia

I actually wouldn’t mind watching an episode of this, seeing if Bob Saget can seep his depravity in network television this time around. Obviously not a full onslaught of it, but just something a little more…provocative than Full House was.

8:30PM: The Goode Family

What a disappointment this turned out to be. If you’re looking for a TV show that’s basically a plethora of jokes from the 60’s being told on top of one another, then The Goode Family is for you. But I prefer to crack hackneyed and obvious jokes about the extremes of all idealogues on my own watch, thank you.

9PM: According To Jim

So the series has since been canceled (concluded? I have no idea) but ABC is getting every last bit of mileage out of it that they can by airing back-to-back episodes on Friday nights. Part of me believes ABC takes a great measure of pride in having the most universally despised sitcom over the past ten years on the air. It’s like winning a Razzie, you’re mocked mercilessly for your efforts but more often than not you’re compensated amply for it.

10PM: 20/20

Looks like ABC is soaking up all the Michael Jackson publicity they can. Tonight on 20/20, Stevie Wonder “pays tribute” to the king of pop. This could mean one of many things, but I like to think it means he’s going to play “Smooth Criminal” on the piano. Also, next week on 20/20 Scarlett Johansson shares her thoughts on Jackson and what “Jam” meant to her.

FOX

8PM: Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Yeah for exploitation thinly-veiled as complimentary! And don’t blame me, FOX doesn’t put a question mark at the end of their title so neither did I.

9PM: Mental

A show about a medical professional who plays by his own rules for the betterment of “the system”, where does FOX come up with these ideas?! This is how you dwarf a network like NBC in the ratings: just take a hit show (House) and replicate it a thousand times until you fine one that sticks.

CBS

8PM: Ghost Whisperer

Friday night, 8PM. They should probably add this to death and taxes, because unless someone died or some shit this show is, was and will always be on Friday nights at 8PM.

9PM: Flashpoint

No idea. I’m sure I’ve written about it. But I can’t recall and I don’t care. If it’s about pornography then someone please email me or leave it in the comments.

10PM: Numbers

This is how you know CBS is a ratings giant: even the more obscure of their many procedural dramas that rely on about .5% continuity somehow stick around for oohhh, five years now. It’s amazing that a show like Friday Night Lights has to plod along, season to season, hoping for renewal and eventually getting an unprecedented deal between the network and a satellite company looking to start its own original programming. All the while Numbers effortlessly survives because it’s about good guys and bad guys. God, I need to find a new blog to write.

That’s it for the week, no links post this Friday. We’ll be back from Chicago in time to recap Entourage and Hung for Monday.

Another slow night of reruns for the old networks. This should be the last time we do this until September or October, because it is really fucking redundant pretty much all the time. There is just too few new series’ this summer for us to bother with this again.The only think I can do this many times that is exactly the same is watch The Wire, and writing this bullshit isn’t The Wire.

NBC

8PM: 30 Rock: “The Break Up”

We mentioned awhile back that we burnt through all these episodes in probably less than a couple weeks. We enjoy/enjoyed it, but it didn’t produce the same laugh quotient as most of the comedies we watch, most notably The Office. But that’s entirely subjective, we can see why some might feel differently. This particular episode was in season one, in which Liz doesn’t build up the nerve to dump Dennis until she sees him on “To Catch A Predator”. That’s pretty much all we remember about it.

8:30PM: The Office “Lecture Circuit”

The two part episode that revolves around Michael on the road with Pam giving sales speeches at the various Dunder-Mifflin branches, and breaking down in front of Holly’s new office during a lecture. Part one was much more inspired than part two, but it’s kind of a package deal.

9:30PM: 30 Rock: “Larry King”

I believe this is the episode where Liz goes to retrieve her phone from an unsavory cab driver with Kenneth, and we find out Tracy keeps a large sum of his money in the lining of Kenneth’s jacket. Something happens with Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek, but I don’t really recall what it was nor do I care too. The Elisa character didn’t really bring much to the show.

10PM: The Listener

Another show about a telepath working in law enforcement. Please, broadcast networks, just give me some variation on this gimmick. Make it a telepath poker player or a mentally challenged cop. Anything that veers from the norm. For fucks sake, how hard can it be to solve crime when you can read minds!? I thought I knew you NBC, but you’re just like all the rest.

ABC

8PM: Samantha Who

Reruns, of course. It’s remarkable how if a show is on the air and you never pay any attention to news coming out of LA about it, then it basically doesn’t exist. Outside of Christina Applegate, I couldn’t tell you who is in this, what it’s about or why any of you should tune in. And I know I’ve written about it in one of these preview posts before. That’s surefire sign that you’re pretty inconsequential.

9PM: Grey’s Anatomy

Have they killed of Katherine Heigl yet? She does realize that Hollywood will eventually catch onto the fact that they can throw anyone into those generic rom-com roles and they’ll show a good opening weekend, right? You won’t be insulting those terrible writers for your show then, will you?

10PM: Private Practice

Looks like ABC is more willing to cut costs than pretty much every network, as this is three reruns on Thursday, and if you go back through what they’ve aired for the past week, I’m pretty sure any new programming has been reality shows. And if you weren’t aware, if a scripted series costs an arm and a leg, then Wipeout costs about half a pinkie finger.

FOX

8PM: Bones

I actually hear people recommend this show to me these days, and it reminds me of how television is probably the most misused entertainment medium in the history of the world. 99% of it is utter crap, but that 1% is often so fucking good that you couldn’t help but wonder what could be.

9PM: So You Think You Can Dance

Between last night and tonight, this show has comprised 75% of FOX’s primetime schedule. It seems a tad unoriginal but it’s definitely a successful business model. It makes me want to fucking cry that it’s a good business model, but it is.

CBS

8PM: Big Brother 11

This is our third and final new series on the four networks for Thursday night. It’s a good thing we’re going out of our way to do this. I’m sure someone somewhere is finding it worthwhile. Anyhow, I still don’t know what the objective of this show is. Are you trying to stay in or get out? Are there challenges? How is it different from The Real World? These are questions that no one should care about but I feel like they should have been answered at some point.

9PM: CSI

This is the original. The Rose Bowl of CSI franchises. I for one can’t wait to find out what criminal element is terrorizing the sin city these days. It’s probably those damn Westies again. I heard they finally made it out west, thus justifying their name.

10PM: The Mentalist

YAWWWWWNNNN.

Alright so this idea was ill-advised. We should probably look at TV listings for the week before we up and write the same thing we did a little more than a month ago. We still have Friday night to do this for, but at least you definitively know that there’s no reason to watch any broadcast network television. Again. Sigh, maybe cable will have something worthwhile for you.

Back with our recap of the first three Dexter seasons later today.

Absolutely nothing on television tonight. If I had to recommend anything it would be the Real World, and that’s only for nostalgic reasons and scenery. I don’t even need to look at these network schedules to tell you there isn’t anything good on, because their hasn’t been anything good on Wednesday nights since after the fifth time they moved Friday Night Lights. So with that ringing endorsement, let’s see what the lesser of these evils contains.

NBC

8PM: America’s Got Talent

Two hours of this dreck tonight thanks to all the tribute shows yesterday. Thanks, Michael Jackson. Since I’m not much of a music fan, this will be his legacy to me. I’m glad I don’t watch this show, because everyone from the 8 year-old singer to the guy spinning plates will be doing an MJ tribute. As if the show wasn’t repetitive enough, now everyone’s going to be emulating the same person.

"Better open this doa' before I huff-n-puff"

10PM: The Philanthropist

A series about a billionaire playboy who’s haunted by an African flood and resorts all his money and power into charitable efforts. It’s fictional of course, and looks like something I wouldn’t watch if my life depended on it. But it has a couple heavy hitters (for a television series) in its cast with Neve Campbell (the plunge has been incredible) and Michael K. Williams (the guy who played Omar Little, and I can’t believe he isn’t regularly getting film offers). Eh, probably the best you could hope for in a summer series.

ABC

8PM: Wipeout

Watch people run an obstacle course that, as far as I can tell from the promos during NBA playoff games, is damn near impossible to complete (it reminds me of that Wayne’s World scene where the arcade guru confides to Wayne and Garth that their is no next level in some game). It’s ABC’s incarnation of a Japanese game show.

9PM: I Survived a Japanese Game Show

Well, if the title Wipeout didn’t give you a clear idea of what ABC was trying to do, this should probably seal the deal. Now instead of watching people fall off of unstable, elevated platforms into a lake or whatever, now you can watch them slip on things and try to knock each other off balance beams. I’m only watching if people are forced to compete against robots.

10PM: Primetime

I have no idea what tonight’s episode is going to be about. I glanced at their home page and there’s a picture of a now deceased college girl on it, so that would be my guess. But there’s no indication if that is what the episode is going to be about or if that’s just a news headline they chose as a follow up to a previous episode. I have just one question: for all the investigative journalism these series’ seem to do, have they ever cracked a case?

FOX

8PM: So You Think You Can Dance

I was only about twelve years old when Kurt Cobain died, but I think his suicide ushered in this new wave of fascination with dance that was irrevocable. I remember New Kids On The Block sort of fading away, and that seemed like the end of it. Then Cobain blew his brains out and two years later we were inundated with Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys, and the rest is history. Now it’s spiraling out of control, we have reality dance shows, professional dance shows, every R&B and pop singer has a dance sequence in everyone of their videos. Honestly, if the trade off to getting rid of this part of the American lexicon is women start wearing baggy clothes that are five sizes too big again, I will take it in a fucking heartbeat.

CBS

8PM: The New Adventures of Old Christine

It’s amazing what an undeserved Emmy for a lead actor/actress can do for the longevity of a sitcom. I just hope Julia Louise-Dreyfus realizes that Seinfeld is still making her career.

8:30PM: Gary Unmarried

Are they still making new episodes of this? Or are they just rerunning old episodes to fill their primetime schedule so they don’t have to pay for something new? I heard Jay Mohr filling in for Jim Rome’s show last week and it was like watching a Giraffe try to run up a tree. It was such a painfully unfunny and awkward and defensive five minutes that I actually thought about going to church. I’m still not entirely convinced it wasn’t a nightmare that I’m still trapped in.

9PM: Criminal Minds

Speaking of cancellations, was it this or Without A Trace that was canceled? I keep forgetting since they’re one in the same, united in undeserved Nielsen’s yet still floating in obscurity. I’m guessing CM survived cancellation since they’re replaying it, but it really doesn’t matter.

10PM: CSI: NY

I hope everyone realizes that this franchise isn’t going anywhere. They’re going to continue making more and more versions of it until it demands its own cable network. Is there anyone who watches all three? Like, do you get something out of the Vegas episodes that you don’t out of the New York episodes? Do they ever intertwine? Or does anything unique ever happen on any of them? Again, I guess since I’m going to continue to not watch them, it doesn’t really matter.

There it is. I’d like to lie to you and tell you that Wednesday night is just as bad as Friday or Saturday for television, but it would be too transparent that its not worth my time. Go rent the first season of Breaking Bad if you absolutely have to sit in front of your television tonight.

We’ll get to our recap of the show, “the parent semi-forced to taking extreme measures to support her family that isn’t Breaking Bad” later today. Right now, just as we promised, here is Tuesday night’s preview. It looks like everything under the sun involving Michael Jackson is already underway, hopefully they can wrap it up in the next ten hours. My apologies if that sounded caustic, but if the memorial exceeds half a day then it has reached a breaking point.

NBC

8PM: Great American Road Trip

The season premiere of a show about seven families racing across the country in RV’s is tonight, and how you don’t somehow incorporate this into fourth of July weekend I have no idea. Sure, most people don’t watch television on Friday or Saturday nights, but premiere it on one of the two if Sunday isn’t an option (note: For NBC, Sunday is always an option), then rerun it tonight. You’ll get twice as many potential viewers for the second episode and it caters to everything Americans seem to take pride in. I’m pretty sure if you watch this you shit red, white and blue for the next seven days until the next episode.

9PM: Law & Order: Criminal Intent

On the website it claims that this is a new episode. Does Law & Order do that? Save some of their subdivisions for the summer? Well I’ll be damned if it’s true. NBC making a wise business decision? Has it always been like this and I’m just learning about it? To be honest I’m a little flummoxed at the moment. This is like finding out the Clippers actually traded away Zach Randolph.

10PM: Dateline Special: A Farewell To Michael Jackson

What exactly have we been doing for the past week? Not to be crass and I know NBC is simply looking to exploit a world’s sorrow for ratings, which really seems to come out of the woodwork when remarkably flawed entertainers and athletes die, but is there anything about Michael Jackson that’s going to be memorialized in this special that anyone doesn’t know about?

ABC

We might have to reevaluate our position on Joanna Krupa.

8PM: The Superstars

Seeing as how we didn’t watch the second episode, there isn’t much we can say about this series that we didn’t say in our recap of the pilot, other than they found some cheap excuse to bring back Joanna Krupa (the best looking woman) and Terrell Owens (the lone “superstar” that this show actually snagged). I feel like we’ve already spent too much time discussing this, let’s just move on.

9:30PM: Scrubs

In tonight’s episode, Dr. Cox dresses down everyone he comes across and every guy is in some way outwitted by the woman/en in his life. I hear they’ve never done an episode like this.

10PM: Primetime

If you scroll over the title on the drop down schedule it says, “Special: Family Secrets”. But if you actually click on the link there are roughly a dozen news articles about Michael Jackson and a giant picture of someone named Debbie Rowe. Anyways, it looks like the king of pop’s spirit lives on to rule the roost at 10PM on the broadcast networks.

FOX

8PM: Legally Blond 2: Red, White & Blond

FOX has opted to turn Tuesday night into movie night here in the summer of 1992, at least for now. They’re usually known for throwing the grandest spectacle of them all, so don’t be surprised if this gets usurped for a two hour long Michael Jackson tribute. It would be the redundant but shrewd business move.

CBS

8PM: NCIS

This is obviously a replay. but that doesn’t mean 11 million people won’t still watch The Transformers of television. Or is that CSI? It’s probably CSI, seeing as how I hadn’t even heard of NCIS until about 18 months ago, making their success even more perplexing than any Michael Bay movie. Bay movies have explosions and CSI has goofy camera gimmicks. I don’t like it but I get it.

9PM: The Mentalist

This show is the litmus test that anything CBS puts on the air will receive at least 9 million viewers. It’s absolutely astonishing the loyalty seem to have for this network, making Katie Couric’s ratings all the more troubling.

10PM: 48 Hours Mystery

Always the  most melodramatic of the four networks, CBS’ prime time news program has titled their Michael Jackson tribute, “The Last Dance”. With any luck it will be hosted by David Caruso in sunglasses. “Looks like the king…was out-popped…by a smooth criminal“.

Back later with the Weeds recap, you can read a recap of last week’s Rescue Me here, we posted it at about 11:30PM last night.

So finally, we’re going to knock these nightly previews out of the way since we’re knee deep into summer lineups and there’s a shortage of “events”. Of course, it’s reported that there’s going to be wall-to-wall coverage of Michael Jackson tomorrow, so we’ll see how that interferes. We might push Tuesday’s preview back to next week. In the meantime, let’s see what’s being offered on Mondays.

Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, Hung took the week off for the fourth. Makes you wonder why they premiered it at the end of June, but whatever. HBO doesn’t need to worry about issues like this when they’re programming is so good.

Onto the steaming pile of dog shit that is Monday night programming.

NBC

8PM: Law & Order

NBC would you please make a concerted effort to put something original on your airwaves in the off-season. Just throw together some poorly contrived reality series, just make it an amalgamation of three other poorly contrived reality series, and hope it turns into a “hit”. Even I’d advocate that over trotting out the same prime time lineup over and over again. We already have one CBS.

9PM: Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Does this feature the pre-cogs from Minority Report? Because that’s the only way you’re going to convince me I should watch a replay of the same show back-to-back.

10PM: Dateline NBC

Does anyone know why they put the “NBC” at the end of this title? Doesn’t it seem a bit redundant? It’s on NBC, it’s obvious who’s responsible for its existence, no need to rub it in our faces. Though I can understand wanting to celebrate being the foremost leader among the broadcast networks in busting potential sex offenders. It’s good to lead the networks in something, I guess.

ABC

You'd be wise to turn down the rose.

8PM: The Bachelorette

You see NBC? This is how it’s fucking done. Appeal to our cheapest sensibilities at a fraction of the cost it takes to appeal to our sophisticated sensibilities, and watch the commoners flood your network with viewership and increase your advertising revenue. Really, it’s quite fucking simple. Now if you can get Bill O’Reilly to stop talking about you like you’re the devil incarnate and getting drawing everyone’s ire, you’d be all set. This is two hours long, by the way. Anticipate prolonged dramatic pauses before those roses are dolled out.

10PM: Here Comes The Newlyweds

People interact with other people and feign romantic interest to be on television. Call me crazy, but I think this is going to reinvent the genre.

FOX

8PM: House

What would a night of television be without a doctor scoffing at every medical procedure and ethic code known to man? Hugh Laurie does seem like a talented actor, is he going to drop this bullshit sometime soon to pursue an ill-fated movie career?

9PM: Lie To Me

Looks like FOX is pulling an NBC. I suppose the difference would be that FOX can afford to not attract any new viewers.

CBS

8PM: How I Met Your Mother

If you actually give a shit about something as frivolous as Emmy hosts, here’s your chance to meet this years. You better take advantage, CBS is only going replay this show once a week, and since there’s no device or software you can purchase to increase your availability to your favorite television shows, I suggest you tune in.

8:30PM: Rules of Engagement

Also dubbed, “David Spade has managed to stay on a long term series that isn’t a variety show”.

9PM: Two and A Half Men

I like how this show didn’t even try with the title, the intro, the writing or the casting, and they’ve managed to be the number one sitcom on television ever since Friends went off the air. I think this is a good message to send to all the kids out there: To be immensely successful and stay gainfully employed, never strive to exceed anyone’s expectations and it will alllll work out.

9:30PM: Big Bang Theory

This series has managed to gain some critical notoriety and even a couple of friends had the balls to recommend it to men, so maybe I should bother giving it a second try from my review of the pilot.

10PM: CSI: Miami

Follow up your comedy block with a cheap excuse to load an hour with half-naked women. I was watching Dexter last night out of a lack of options, in the episode a woman turns up dead (imagine that) and while over-viewing the crime scene, one of the investigators said she “was a valedictorian, on her way to Harvard Business School”… and of course she was a hot blond. The series is also set in Miami, and felt like it was stolen verbatim from this version of CSI, where even the corpses have to be attractive women so we feel bad about the death. Maybe the Dexter creators were just striving for some gritty realism that they’re always praised for, we all know hot blonds regularly wind up as valedictorians. It’s just like real life, man. Coincidentally, hot blonds also tend to occupy all non-speaking roles in television that relies on cheap thrills. Life’s funny like that sometimes.

Probably it for today, we might try to post our Rescue Me recap a day early but don’t hold us to it. Also, when we finish the third season we might do a post summarizing everything we don’t like about Dexter.

This week is mercifully coming to an end, and our last preview for awhile. We’ll do this again in a couple weeks since so many networks are running so many replays of fall series’ still (I’m looking at you, CBS). Also, we haven’t written about a single show we’d recommend, rerun or otherwise. So it only seems logical to try and do this when there are other options we could appreciate but won’t because we’re overly critical of everything. Anyways, don’t expect these until at least the NBA Finals are over.

NBC

8PM: Inside The Obama White House

NBC is replaying this because they know everyone secretly or unabashedly loves Barack Obama, and that everyone wants to watch their two hour fluff piece of him. I guess this makes sense, their special lost out in the ratings to only three different cop shows.

10PM: Dateline

New television on a weekend night in June? Hooray! It might be the same as one of the two premises Dateline has used for the past five years (mysterious murder trial or potential child predator sabotage), but still, it’s technically different.

ABC

8PM: Wife Swap

Are they even going to consider switching husbands at some point, or is your average patriarch too agitated by his own family that he can’t stomach the thought of a second. A different wife, however? Now that fits every domesticated stereotype I can imagine. Oh, and this is two hours long. Jesus, if you have HBO, just go watch The Wire, The Sopranos or Curb on demand for two hours. I don’t care if you’re jumping into the middle of a series you’ve never seen before, but make your time a little more valuable than Wife Swap.

She isn't the lead on the show, but she is in our hearts.

10PM: Samantha Who

A full hour of the Christina Applegate series that has managed to dodge cancelation on about 5,529 times. Everyone keeps telling me how “great” and “original” it is, but everytime someone claims greatness from one of these broadcast series’ I’m not watching, and I actually heed their advice and tune in, I leave completely disappointed. Maybe my expectations are too high as a result of the recommendation, but I wish they’d just cancel this shit already. I’m sick of hearing about how great something is that I’m never going to watch.

FOX

8PM: Don’t Forget The Lyrics

God bless you FOX, because you’re network affiliates have nightly local news an hour earlier, I can always count on you too lighten my workload. You’re like the anti-CBS in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, your programming is just as bad if not worse, but you’re generally quick with the debut of summer series and since you no longer air sitcoms, the loss of an hour of prime time means I only have to preview two shows. And for that, we thank you. I don’t know what Don’t Forget The Lyrics is, but no degree of mediocrity can outweigh my appreciation for the brevity you enable.

9PM: Mental

We talked about this earlier in the week (Tuesday, more specifically), and it’s the same exact episode. As if a show about a telepathic man wasn’t already predictable enough, they don’t even give me enough time to forget what I watched two nights beforehand. Oh, and forget half of everything I just said.

CBS

8PM: Ghost Whisperer

Say what you will about the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle, in terms of a single series holding on time slot, it has have one of the longest tiniers. Again, it’s not terribly impressive since it’s on a Friday night, and all that means is they can justify not canceling you then but couldn’t on a worknight. But you couldn’t say the same thing for Women’s Murder Club, which was pretty much the same thing without the telepathy but with more women.

9PM: Flashpoint

What the fuck is this? I feel like we asked this before once but have since forgotten about it. Alright, its about a bunch of cops that work on an “emergency task force”. Is there any portion of the executive branch that hasn’t been dramatized by network television yet? If so, I think someone needs to take care of this.

10PM: Numbers

Yeah, I think I’ve expressed enough befuddlement over the continued existence of this show. I’m sure it’s great and totally different from the thousands of others of its kind, but I remain in amazement. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m either impressed by the people of Numbers for managing to keep this show on the air, or saddened by CBS for allowing it to happen. I guess I’d need a hidden mike in one of their pow-wows.

So that’s it our last preview for the week, as per usual, Friday’s tend to be an abomination of the highest order. We’d preview Sunday (and maybe we still will), but I’m willing to bet there isn’t anything we’re going to watch then, either.

Links post later to close out the week.

Whoops, we forget to add an introduction to this, probably because I have nothing to say other than I am really, really thankful to have something to watch on television tonight. Nothing beats having a built in excuse to sit around on your fat ass for four hours.

NBC

8PM: I’m A Shameless whorebag, Please Pay Attention To Me!

That’s four straight nights ladies and gentlemen, like I promised you. I wouldn’t take so much credit for doing so, but reading things and then writing them on this website is more than the contestants or audience of this show have done in five years.

9PM: The Listener

““The Listener” centers on Toby Logan (Craig Olejnik, “The Timekeeper”), a 25-year-old paramedic who has a big secret — he’s a telepath.” That’s the opening line on the home pages description for The Listener, which we are getting two hours of tonight. Anyhow, I’m pretty sure the entire plot for this show is stolen from every mind-reading/telepathy/supernatural power series that is currently on the air and that Scorsese movie with Nick Coppola that no one saw. Great resources, guys. I’m sure you’re getting renewed. I’m serious, I think it will get renewed because I can no longer make sense of this world. Also, 25? Does no one over the age of 29 have a job in TV land anymore? The Unusuals star is Amber Tamblyn, and she’s 25 playing a homicide detective. A paramedic is a little more believable, but is it absolutely necessary that we see an attractive face in everything we watch?

ABC

8PM: Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a good chance it’s actually live, as it’s a precursor to game one of the NBA finals. I’m going to tune into this to see Eminem’s reaction to the whole staged Borat stunt at the MTV Movie Awards, which we didn’t even realize were on until about two thousand people told/emailed/IM’d me about Eminem being immersed in Sacha Baron Cohen. Keep in mind that’s in spite of Justin Timberlake and Will Ferrell being the other two guests. Also, if you’re wondering why we didn’t talk about the MTV Movie Awards, it’s because no one under sixteen reads this site, at least they shouldn’t be.

8:30PM: NBA Finals: Orlando Magic @ Lakers, Game 1

This will be the best thing you can watch on television all week, cable or otherwise. The two best teams all season (don’t tell me about the Cavs winning 66 games, that’s only seven more than the Magic, and can be explained by the fact that Orlando played in a tougher conference and that they were without Jameer Nelson or Rafer Alston for about three weeks), square off in the battle for true ownership of Disney amusement parks. Unless you’re from SoCal or currently living there, I really have no idea how you can root for the Lakers in this. If you’re completely indifferent, tune in and make a villain out of the Purple & Gold. Also, if you don’t think Orlando will be contending for title for the next half decade at least, then I have a proposition for you. That said, we’ll take LA in seven, and Orlando lays the groundwork for a potential dynasty.

FOX

8PM: Bones

I used to mock this show for its obscurity, but it turns out I’m about the only person not watching it. In the past couple weeks I’ve probably had about four or five people ask me if I watch this. That might not seem like a lot, but compared too how many people ask me about my viewing habits with other TV shows, well, that’s five more than anyone has asked me about anything.

9PM: So You Think You Can Dance

Am I suppose to put a question mark at the end of the title? There isn’t one on the website, but I don’t want to put too much faith in the people that pander this swill. I think gramatically it makes no sense at all, but in the land of FOX television, that means the copywriter forced to do this is just following god’s law.

CBS

Not that I blame them, of course.

8PM: The Big Bang Theory

Is it shallow of me that the only reason I think any critics give this a good review is the blond who plays the neighbor? I think it’s more shallow of them than it is of me, but am I being too cynical when I assume that TV critics who’ve never gotten laid with relative ease would willfully compromise their professional judgment for some escapist fantasy about a couple of omega-males regularly conversing with their classically attractive blond-haired female neighbor? I’m going to say no.

8:30PM: The New Adventures of Old Christine

Julia-Louise Dreyfus was on Conan last night, it was the first time I’ve fast-forwarded through any Conan segment since he took over The Tonight Show.

9PM: CSI

If it doesn’t feature socialites or scantily clad models acting like catty bitches around cops, then I’ve already lost interest. Hey, if your show is going to be so devoid of substance, then you’ve considerably lowered my expectations.

10PM: The Mentalist

So not only does CBS air more series’ per night than every other network, but they’re pretty much the same ones over and over again. Fuck you, CBS. Way to make me feel even more guilty about being one of the 17 people left that still watches Survivor.

Alright, we’re really going to try to get to these links either tonight or first thing Friday. They will be extensive and completely recycled, giving you basically no incentive to read them, because that’s how we do ’round here.

Alright, Wednesday. I couldn’t tell you the last time I watched a series on a Wednesday that wasn’t South Park, but it would be a tad incredulous if we just forwent the day in the middle of the week. Also, if you’re wondering what the title refers too, it’s the countdown until the NBA finals start and we have an excuse to skip the gym.

NBC

NBC is going green literally, and now figuratively.

They have basically the same schedule tonight that they had last night, except instead of Law & Order: SVU, it’s regular, bland Law & Order the original holding down the 10PM slot. Yep, no hate crimes here. Just a plain, old-fashioned, yawn-inducing and unprovoked murder of an entire family. Pssh, wake me up when your prime suspect has deviant sexual fantasies. But anyways, we’re not going to take the time to write out the same exact thing, but we will tell you that like we predicted, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! cleaned up on Monday. Which is all that really matters for NBC at this point.

ABC

8PM: Wipeout
Needs more humiliating tasks if it really wants to stack up to Japanese television.

9PM: The Goode Family
An hours worth of a sitcom in only its second week, that’s never a good sign. Better rush all those episodes to air before you no longer have any rationalization for doing so.

10PM: The Unusuals
Is this new? Has anyone heard of this before? Alright, it’s a cop show but with a pretend twist: Every cop has a secret. It looks a lot different from most cop shows out there. For instance, it’s set in New York. You don’t come across that everyday.

FOX

8PM: So You Think You Can Dance
Two hours. I think it’s time to reevaluate your life and priorities if you’re dedicating two hours of your life to this show, just like I did while typing out this sentence.

CBS

8PM: The New Adventures of Old Christine
Jesus, still. Really? Is there some sort of minimum age requirement to actually watch this series? Because it always seems blocked on my cable guide. I don’t think I’ve ever scrolled through the channels and seen this as available. I’m pretty sure you have to be a woman over the age of 55 to have access to The New Adventures of Old Christine.

8:30PM: Gary Unmarried
I will shamefully admit that I watched this once (and I didn’t see its lead-in adjacent to it), and the entire episode revolved around Gary having back problems. It was funny because when he fell down, he needed his ex-wife’s help to stand back up and went to the hospital. Hijinks!

9PM: Criminal Minds
It was, by some unholy overlord of our tiny, tiny world, renewed for next season. I’m pretty sure this is a rerun. In fact, I’m going to say its a rerun because if it’s the season finale, I want as few people watching it as possible. So yeah, go see a movie. I here that Up movie is the tops.

10PM: The Mentalist
God fucking damn it CBS. It never fails. Everyone else is mailing it in on an early summer Wednesday, yet they come through with four reruns of shows no one in their right fucking mind would bother too watch. But yeah, The Mentalist. I hope Simon Baker is happy about the path his career has taken. With that mug most people could live a rather effortless life, meanwhile he’s a failed movie star working on a third rate cop show that looks like every other third rate cop show. At least it gets good ratings, that’s better than working on Lie To Me, I suppose. At least Tim Roth has the built in excuse that he’s kind of normal looking.

That’s your schedule, we’re going to try and get to a couple of links post before the week is out, hopefully one of them is this afternoon.

A few words on Conan’s debut as Tonight Show host before we get to tonight’s preview. I’ve never minded Jay Leno as much as most seem too. Sure, his jokes were easy, predictable, and every punchline followed the same format, but I always looked at it as a different style of comedy that simply didn’t suit my preference in aesthetic. But after watching Conan host last night, it was glaring just how pedestrian Leno’s stint as host was.

The transition was seamless, for the most part. He’s been hosting a late night show for roughly fifteen years so it wasn’t like Fallon’s debut where he was struggling to acclimate to an entirely different industry from the one he’s used too. And nothing about last night gave you the impression that they were reviving a franchise. After all, despite your thoughts on Leno, it was still number one in ratings ever since he had Hugh Grant on after the transsexual prostitute “scandal”.

But the show just had a different energy to it that felt like it had been lacking for the past fifteen years or so, starting off with Conan’s Forrest Gump like sprint from New York too LA (Maybe he should have led off with Tom Hanks instead of Will Ferrell). Nothing really happened during it, but you couldn’t pull yourself away. Between that, Richter as the show announcer, the Universal Studios tour (being at a theme park should make for great cannon fodder for many years too come) and O’Brien using the LA stereotypes for all they were worth, we actually might turn his Tonight Show into appointment television, something we’ve never done with a late night show before.

NBC

8PM: I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here

I have some bad news folks, it’s only on for an hour tonight. You might be asked to do something for yourself. Well, to be fair no one is ever asked to do such things, but if you’re watching I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! I could recommend just about anything — read a book, play pool, shoot rats in a dumpster with a paintball gun — would be an improvement.

9PM: Inside the Obama White House

Part one of what I believe is a two part new show. I believe this is to commemorate his 134th day in office. That’s a real milestone, you know.

10PM: Law & Order: SVU

The episode is called “Zebras”, so I’m guessing it’s about a racially ambiguous sociopath that doesn’t care who he harms! But seriously, who gives a shit? If you can’t figure out the plot of a Law & Order episode regardless of circumstances, it really doesn’t matter what it’s about.

ABC

8PM: According To Jim

Ehh, we might have been a week early on this with ABC, as tonight’s episode is the season finale for the whipping boy for anyone looking to complain about the state of the sitcom an television in general. Anyways, if you’re watching this show and you don’t have a family that’s forcing you too watch it, I’m afraid we can’t be friends.

9PM: Earth 2100

I haven’t read the synopsis of this, but I’m willing to bet it’ll be alarmist. Speaking of which, because I hate myself I watched The Happening on Sunday, and if that wasn’t the worst film I’ve willfully sat through this decade, I’m perfectly glad to have since forgotten whatever it was.

FOX

8PM: House

It seems like FOX feels this is their show with the most rerun-able show, otherwise they wouldn’t put it on air everyday. We asked yesterday why this show is popular, and nothing’s changed. I’ve never watched a full episode, but it seems like an SNL skit gone awry. I think there was one with Phil Hartman in which he was attaching legs to tits and tits to arms or some such tomfoolery, House might be a step above it, but I think it might be even funnier since the show has such a serious edge too it.

9PM: Mental

So is this the latest of the psychic cop shows? I think we can do better, FOX. Didn’t they just have one of these with Tim Roth? At least we can assume that judging by the title, they’re not even trying with this one.

CBS

8PM: NCIS

Of all the liberties taken by all the investigative legal dramas out there, I think this one takes the most, and it’s not even close. For example, it warrants mentioning that the women pictured to the right is forty years old, playing some sort of investigator in the Navy and she wears a spiked collar to her job.

9PM: The Mentalist

At least FOX isn’t stealing the full title from CBS, just two syllables of it. It’s a shame were not still in the midst of the flame wars between networks stealing each other’s reality show concepts. Because the pettiness of this one might finally be insurmountable.

10PM: 48 Hours Mystery

Guh, why is it that regardless of which night we do this, CBS always has more shows than their contemporaries? We didn’t bother to look at the description of tonight’s episode, but we imagine it has something to do with rape, death and possibly a disappearance.

So those are your options. We’re probably going to steer clear of all this and wait until 10PM to watch Rescue Me, than Daily Show, then Conan. Also, expect our Rescue Me recap later tonight.

Time to start with previewing the broadcast networks summer schedules. This is always fun, and in no way a drain on my soul because the broadcast networks never resort to the lowest common denominator. Anyway, let’s skip the preambles and just get this over with.

NBC

8PM: I’m a celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!
People talk about this show like it’s too be watched for vindictiveness, but everyone on this show is getting paid more for their time than 90% of its audience will make in a year. Anyhow, this is how NBC kicks off their network revival. With a show about overpaid, washed-up celebrities living in a jungle for a few weeks. Good to see they’re heading into the right direction. This is two hours long, by the way. And will head their prime time stretch for each day this work week. Besides Friday of course, you can’t expect this ratings gem to waste an episode on a weekend night.

10PM: Medium
NBC’s hoping to cash in their I’m A Celebrity ratings by tacking this failed endeavor on the end of it. I don’t really know what you can say about Medium that hasn’t already been said. I’d rather watch this than Ghost Whisperer, if that counts for anything.

ABC

8PM: The Bachelorette
Nice, I’m loving these two hour long reality shows, and this isn’t even a premiere. It’s just an excuse to fill air time with low overhead. Sure, they make America dumber, fatter and incomprehensibly boring, but they spare me the indignity of working on this post more than the bare minimum. I think it’s worth it.

Probably won't get the chance for too many screen grabs like this on Newlyweds.

10PM: Here Come The Newlyweds
If you are like me, you didn’t know what this show was and are only now hearing about it. After reading half the synopsis on the show’s website, I’ve come to the following conclusion: It’s The Real World/Road Rules Challenge with newly married couples, which means it’s absent all the chemical imbalanced insanity. And that makes it completely unwatchable.

FOX

8PM: House
Alright, someone is going to have to explain the popularity of this show to me. My sister, who normally would rather set fire to an orphanage than sit through any television show, enjoys watching House. Is there something to this show other than a snarky doctor challenging his hospital’s administration? Does he juggle live animals on a weekly basis? Or perform magic maybe? I need some other explanation for why anyone makes this appointment television.

9PM: Bones
It’s not on CBS, but it may as well be. One thing I discovered recently is that Zooey Deschanel’s older sister has a lead role on this series. I’m almost tempted into pretending that I like it.

CBS

8PM: Big Bang Theory
This show has sneaked into the lexicon of what most would consider a respectable sitcom with a laugh track. This ship holds two shows: How I Met Your Mother and now The Big Bang Theory. I’ve watched both of them before and still don’t understand why they receive critical praise and Rules of Engagement doesn’t, but in my estimation they’re all kind of tiresome, so I don’t really care.

We spent all night watching television, but that isn’t as pathetic as it might seem since My Boys put us to sleep last night. Like, literally, put us too sleep. To give you an idea of how bad it was, we haven’t fallen asleep pre 11PM since before we were sixteen, when we couldn’t drive anywhere. It was truly an awful half hour of television and was probably the best example we can think of that this series was created by a woman whose never actually seen men talk to each other.

Rescue Me continued its run of strong episodes (though dipped a little bit from the week before) and they finally gave Sheila some substance for the first time in roughly…three seasons. It seems she exists in the series now for some reason other than agitating Tommy, which is all we ever asked for. But for the sake of consistency we’re going to wait six days for our recap of that. For the time being, here are some links.

If anyone ever had any doubt about HBO’s intentions with David Simon’s new series, it is now official: HBO has ordered nine episodes of Treme. No word on when it’s going to air but that doesn’t really matter. We now have a drama that provides incentive for us to have HBO that isn’t a sports documentary. ‘Tis a good day, indeed.

Since it sounds like the BBC has been getting a lot of positive feedback about airing The Wire, David Simon is preparing to teach a “masterclass” at the “Edinburgh TV Festival”. The quotations are mandatory because I can’t attest to either of these things existing, but assuming The Guardian isn’t lying to me: I want to go to there. Actually, maybe not. His overt cynicism about everything is interesting enough in small portions on youtube clips, if I were to see him in person, one look into his eyes and I might breakdown in tears.

Recognize him?

If you consider new casting decisions in between seasons to constitute spoilers, then I suppose in the loosest definition imaginable, this is a spoiler alert for the upcoming season of Mad Men: some actor I’ve never heard of has been cast to play Sterling Cooper’s CFO. Frankly, I’d consider discovering renovations to the SC offices before the season premiere aired to be more upsetting than this news.

Also, despite the past two seasons premiering in July, this upcoming season has already been pushed back until late August. Thanks for the press release, entertainment media. If you had never told me I wouldn’t have noticed. You’re not covering the war or economy, you know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Assholes.

Mindy Kaling has signed a deal with NBC to show-run and star in her own comedy. With her having so much executive control, it all but guarantees the series will be better than Parks and Recreation.

Spike TV has purchased the rights to all five seasons of Entourage for syndication. This is kind of a moment of clarity for me. It’s like someone threw a glass of water in my face while I was in a drunken stupor, and now I’ve come to realize that I have been recapping and occasionally enjoying a series that Spike TV deems worthy of spending $600,000 an episode on (that’s a bulk sum of $39,600,000, if anyone is counting). We’ve always been apprehensive and somewhat defensive about admitting we enjoyed Entourage, and now we know why: It caters to a Spike TV audience, who unless they were running a Godfather marathon and we were in a leg cast, I don’t ever recall watching or even bothering to see what the cable network was offering.

Because NBC is desperate like a virgin in a whorehouse but lacks all other options, they’ve decided to take Weekend Update — the fake news sketch that has been on Saturday Night Live for the past thirty-four years — and turn it into its own prime time show. They seem to think this is a good idea because the world is under the mistaken impression that it’s funnier now than it was in the days of Dennis Miller, Chevy Chase, Kevin Nealon or even Norm MacDonald. I don’t know why this is the assumption everyone has, but I think it has something to do with Tina Fey looking like Sarah Palin, and by the transitive property of NBC thinking every person/entity that mocks republicans is funny, this results in a prime time series for a storied comedy sketch that has been nose-diving in quality for the past eleven years. And just to clarify, I’m not being defensive in the least, I voted for Obama almost specifically because of Sarah Palin, but the motivation for everything seems kind of transparent at this point.

Speaking of Tina Fey, because speculation is always the preferable analytical tactic of entertainment op-ed writers when they have nothing else to discuss, here’s a short piece from the Boston Globe wondering if 30 Rock will hold up thirty years from now. I guess the plethora of pop-culture references has some people (or at least this guy) concerned that the series will become quickly dated. For starters, all comedy is dated. When you watch Seinfeld now, it’s as much as an atmospheric as it is a comedy about daily minutia, since roughly 65% of the jokes could be resolved with the existence of cell phones. Secondly, 30 Rock is fucking hysterical right now, and isn’t that what matters? The Quantum Leap reference actually made us pause the episode while we tried to compose ourselves. Honestly, I could give a shit if some fifteen year old in 2040 doesn’t understand it (or a fifteen year old now), because I don’t think it was made for him.

And finally, I feel like we’ve mentioned it before but I’m too lazy to go back and find the post where we did (and also because we completely forgot about it until reading this link), Family Guy is spinning off a series with Cleveland, and its been renewed for a second season before the series premiere. Even when we were watching Family Guy (which was pre-renewal), Cleveland was one of the characters we didn’t really…get. It seems like if you were to make a spin-off for any of these characters, it would be the baby or the dog, everyone else seemed to be for show, and didn’t really provide any laughs. Between this and the Weekend Update show, we’re about three ill-advised moves from quitting television altogether. Except for Mad Men, we could never quit Mad Men.

Back tomorrow with more links.

In the spirit of South Park being a heaping pile of random garbage, we’re going to do something similar here today with our links. What I mean is, we’re going to post some links before we get to our South Park recap later today. I think it’s for the best if we pay as little attention as possible to last night’s episode.

Diane Farr, still best known for playing the only non-cliched female character on Rescue Me, has landed a role on Parenthood to juggle with her recurring role on Californication. I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what Parenthood is other than an upcoming hour long series on NBC, and Californication I only recognize as yet another inexplicably overrated Showtime series, so I’m not sure why I care about Diane Farr’s career path, as we seem to write about it more frequently than any other actor. We probably saw her in a Skinemax porn or something when we’ve been unable to drop the infatuation. To this day I still have a thing for Salt-’n-Pepa.

In an interview with GQ, Leno claims that after David Letterman’s heart surgery, he reached out to him by way of a card expressing his respect and admiration for the CBS late night host. This seems like an odd time to mention any of this, especially in such a glib context. But I can understand where both parties would be coming from. Letterman had just gotten out of heart surgery, and while I’m sure he could have appreciated the card from Leno, responding to it wasn’t exactly the priority. Who responds to get well cards, anyways? Leno, on the other hand, went out of his way to pen what sounds like a rather lengthy screed to someone he has a rather…unusual relationship with. Maybe he wasn’t expecting an immediate response, but one would have been enough to placate the man. I mean, if you’re on the outs with someone and they reach out like that, how else is Leno supposed to interpret non-responsiveness? In conclusion, late night talk show hosts are fifteen year-old girls.

Heidi Klum is pregnant with her fourth child. Yes, you read that right, she’s had three children and still looks like the proverbial wet dream. Man, talk about elevating expectations for every expecting mother alive. If you’re in your second trimester, I have to imagine the last thing you want you or your husband seeing is a picture of Heidi Klum in the past couple years. For example, this is what most women look like while pregnant, and to the right is what Heidi Klum looked like after pumping out three spawn. I think it’s safe to assume that she’s a cyborg or alien life form. Either that, or she has a remarkably efficient plastic surgeon. The plausible deniability is working her for me as I pretend to give a shit whether or not she’s had work done.

Rod Blagojevich, who most of you would have forgotten about by now if it wasn’t for his preposterously ethnic last name, is scheduled to go on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! First off, uh, no you’re not. You’re a embattled, corrupt former Governor who made headlines only when a senator from the same state was elected president and you attempted to auction off his seat. Secondly, is this what qualifies as celebrity now? I guess it’s no different than Scott Peterson murdering his wife, then everyone referring to it as a “celebrity trial”. I generally don’t follow all of this stuff, but when someone first asked me about the Scott Peterson trial, my reaction upon deciding I didn’t recognize the name was, “Is he an author or something?” The response was, “Nah, he’s just some guy.” Congratulations, Blagojevich, you just made me compare you to a man who was convicted of murdering his wife. You’re basically a Godfather character at this point.

A New York Observer piece profiling Woody Allen, Larry David and their upcoming movie Whatever Works. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, Woody Allen for me are always either really, really effective or really, really inept. I’ve never watched a Woody Allen movie and been ambivalent about it (which I suppose is a testament to his film-making). But if it lands Woody Allen with a cameo on Curb, I really don’t give a shit either way.

In an interview with the Onion AV Club, Will Arnett is asked if he’s doing too many GOB Bluth like roles. I’m going to go ahead and say no, because if that were the case I probably would have enjoyed something he’s been in since Arrested Development. Actually, I can’t lie to you fine people, other than interviews with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel I don’t think I’ve bothered to watch anything he’s been in since AD. He’s great in those interviews though. I’m sorry, but for movies like Let’s Go To Prison and Blades of Steel
I’m not exactly rushing out to the theater to hand my money over for.

So it appears that The Office is approaching a hundred episodes and in honor of that milestone the cast wore Scranton shirts to some party. Or something. I don’t know, I imagine when you get into entertainment news your expecting to partake in some inane tasks, but don’t you really have to reevaluate how you cover the entertainment industry, if not quit your job altogether, if you’re reporting that a bunch of people wore the same t-shirts to a social outing? And yes, I am aware of the irony of me relaying the news, but it’s in jest, so I don’t think it qualifies. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

And finally, Will Ferrell will appear on an episode of Man vs. Wild set in North Sweden. And because everyone we seem to associate with seems to enjoy this show except for us, this seems like a good career move. Not only is it a novel idea ripe for comedic potential, it will also demand that he goes beyond his aggressive, batshit crazy schtick and expand his horizons. I mean, he can’t just frantically scream in this setting and have that be the extent of his cameo, can he? I’m sure he can’t.

South Park recap, most likely after work.

So with the president preempting all the crap that I usually wouldn’t watch anyways, we are in the same boat as usual: Nothing to recap. Which is fine. We almost think this site would be better off if there weren’t series’ I felt necessary to try and promote. What when mocking the worst of the industry is so much more fun and entertaining. So let’s do just that with a few links.

Robert Wuhl, whom everyone has since decided they hate about ten years after Arli$$ was canceled, is returning to HBO for a family comedy, because apparently such comedies are too raunchy for the broadcast networks. Boy, the FCC has really tightened up since that whole The War At Home debacle. That show changed television as we know it. Oh, and in case you were keeping count, HBO is now home to Martin Scorsese, David Simon, David Chase and…Robert Wuhl. That’s the Mt. Rushmore of the moving image, if you ask me.

Direct TV wisely spent $4 billion to keep the NFL around. In this jaded age of economic panic, about the only expenditure Americans will still follow loyally is their favorite NFL corporate logo, so I think Direct TV made a wise decision to fully commit here. Just look at plunging prime time ratings if you want more proof for why this is about the only form of reliably marketable entertainment on television. What I don’t understand, however, is how the NFL makes more money on an exclusive deal with a service provider that a small percentage of Americans actually own rather than with the broadcast networks. Doesn’t their ad revenue act in accordance with the size of their audience? Or do I have this wrong? Let’s just move on.

Someone no longer has to pretend to look busy.

Andy Richter, Conan O’Brien’s sidekick and soon to be Tonight Show announcer when O’Brien finally makes his move out west, had a couple of failed sitcoms that we’re actually quite entertaining despite low ratings that led to cancellation. This interview asks the rejuvenated TV man whether or not his best sitcom, Andy Richter Saves The Universe, could survive in this day and age because shows like 30 Rock and Scrubs do so well. First off, I don’t think those two shows are quite as similar as the interviewer leads one to believe. For instance, one’s funny and the other isn’t. Secondly, despite what you think about either of those series’, they’re kept on as charity cases, shows that bring critical recognition but technically operate at a loss. Especially 30 Rock. So in other words the interviewer is asking, “Do you think Andy Richter Saves The Universe could be so lucky had it premiered a few years later?” Richter responds just as pessimistically as he should.

If you thought the CSI franchise was a machine that could chew up and spit out the sum of its parts without a moments notice and still continue to pillage the countryside, think again. For it seems that the intangibles on that show actually count for something. Otherwise, why else would CBS be paying Laurence Fishburne $14 million for his efforts? One could say that CBS doesn’t understand that the innate popularity of the show has nothing to do with actors. In fact, your average CSI viewer fucking hates actors and watches CSI in spite of them. The show would probably get a better Nielsen if they were lifelike puppets in place of actual sentients. This hatred is mostly political. What, you think your run of the mill CSI viewer in Billings, Oklahoma is watching that shit if fucking Sean Penn is cast in the Fishburne role? Being seemingly neutral is what got Fishburne the role in the first place, and it’s what will keep CSI popular, the second that show tries to take a stance on illegal immigration or something is the second it loses a big chunk of its audience.

Do people still watch 24? Well, for those that do I bring you an ounce of closure: Kiefer Sutherland is vowing to be back for an eighth season. Jesus, eight seasons. I’m pretty sure your average ten year-old’s imagination thinks this is ludicrous at this point. Oh, and if you thought Kiefer Sutherland was going to leave 24, then I’m guessing you don’t get out to the movies much to see that he’s never in any of them.

And finally, fresh off of a for the time being failed attempt to get Michael Jackson to visit American Idol, Simon Cowell is now setting his sites a little higher with sending out a public invitation to Barack Obama, who surely is thrilled that his appearance on Leno is only going to encourage more of these innocuous requests. Since people are idiots though he would be wise to follow through on this. He could turn this country into Malawi, but if he makes numerous appearances on popular prime time network programming he could still get reelected. In fact, this would compensate for all the people who won’t vote for him because he preempted it last night. Feed the beast, Obama. You know you want too.

Alright, back tomorrow with South Park and Survivor recaps tomorrow.

Ahh, Monday nights. The first day back from the weekend and thus the most anticipated television night of the week. What do the broadcast networks offer in the way of entertainment? I think you’ll be pleasantly uninspired. In the infamous words of Michael Scott, “you’re gonna hate it”.

NBC

8PM: Chuck
We reviewed this series back when we were still taking this blog too seriously. It brought some fine qualities to the table but ultimately wasn’t for us. In other words, they go out of their way to load this series with eye candy, but the story format and same cliche jokes about Beta male guys aren’t really anything we haven’t seen before. Still, it’s going to be a shame when yet another scripted series gets cut for budgetary concerns in favor of Arsenio Hall’s return to television.

9PM: Heroes
In this series’ run we’ve watched half of one episode and couldn’t stand it. It was getting rave reviews until the season one finale, now it has the critical and commercial popularity of a FOX reality series in July. I’m not sure what the fall from grace consists of, but either way we feel vindicated. We call this series the anti-Wire, for its large ensemble cast and the fact that it’s blatantly obvious who the “good” and “bad” guys are.

10PM: Medium
In case you haven’t noticed, Monday night is when NBC trots out all their series without an actual weekday in the title that they feel should have a large audience. Medium is a little past its prime in that regard, but I’m fairly certain the woman in this has won an Emmy and still has a paltry audience compared to its younger days. Basically, Medium is NBC’s new ER.

ABC

8PM: The Bachelor
Two hours worth of faux-relationship drama for the benefit of the lovelorn, contemptuous and bitter masses. It’s a dream come true for those that like to see others humiliated on a national stage. Not that I feel bad for anyone invloved. If you’re going to go on national television, proclaim your love for someone you’ve spoken to intermittently over the course of…a month(?) in some vapid quest for fame and fortune, we might pity your aspirations but having any sympathy for anyone in the moment is highly unlikely.

10PM: True Beauty
The natural follow-up to a show like The Bachelor, in which the contestants are judged based on some self-righteous notion of someone’s morality. Naturally, these peoples since of inner-beauty doesn’t permit them from whoring themselves on reality television either, which means they’re probably just older than the people they are judging so harshly. Oh, and by the way, take an hour out of The Bachelor episode that precedes this and replace it with a talk show of some sort, and set aside extremely popular scripted series’, and this will be what prime time lineups will look like in a scant four or five years.

FOX

8PM: House
The good doctor will undoubtedly remove a chainsaw from someone’s head, then use said chainsaw to remove a baby elephant from the lower intestine of an African ivory dealer. Everyone will learn a valuable lesson which House will mock with a dismissive one-liner. That’s what I heard is going to happen, anyways.

9PM: 24
In the episode description it says, “Jack and Renee race against time”. Uhhh, isn’t this the premise of every season/episode of 24? Just replace the name Renee with whoever else is the female lead for any given season, and you have every episode of 24 ever made. Honestly, how in the hell would a show about a man saving the world over the stretch of one day not be considered a “race against time”?

CBS

8PM: The Big Bang Theory
This show has sort of amassed a healthy commercial following, and has even drawn the admiration of a number of critics. We reviewed this series at about the same time we reviewed Chuck and it wasn’t exactly groundbreaking. We’d like to see how they improved it over the weeks, but we won’t. Mainly because it’s on CBS. Unfair and shortsighted? You bet. Honest and forthcoming? Unquestionably.

8:30PM: How I Met Your Mother
The one traditional sitcom (meaning it has a laugh track) that still sees a fair amount of critical praise. I have a number of friends that watch this show, so I can’t completely dismiss it, but it seems like its popularity is founded on the notion that Doogie Howser is in it, and everyone is just flummoxed that he’s still popular.

9PM: Two and A Half Men
What can we say that hasn’t already been said? Luckily for the producers of this show, Charlie Sheen is seen as box office poison as a result of bad PR for the past decade or so, but he’s already a proven and valued commodity on the set of the highest rated comedy on television, and he’s non-expendable. What I’m trying to say is, this series is going to be on until Charlie Sheen either wants to retire or feels he’s lined his pockets with enough coin that he doesn’t have to show up to work everyday.

9:30PM: Worst Week
I have no idea what this is. Actually, I think I made a joke about its title, seeing as how there is know way in hell a comedy’s entire series run is set inside a single week. It’s the sitcom equivalent to Prison Break.

10PM: CSI: Miami
What’s the best way to follow four sitcoms with redundant comedy you probably could have watched twenty years ago? A drama with unintentionally great comedy starring David Caruso spewing definitive one-liners at crime scenes, which are just about always the set of a movie, a photo shoot or anywhere else they can find an excuse to load the cast with attractive women.

Unless you read or leave the house on weekday nights or have cable or something crazy like that, these are your options. Have a great time with them.

Flight of The Conchords review later today.

We realize virtually no one watches television on Friday nights, especially not network television, so know one has any real idea of what their options are. We don’t really have any idea what’s on on Fridays other than FNL, and we always wait until Saturday afternoon to watch that. So I’m taking it upon myself to give you an unfiltered preview of these series’ tonight, with any luck you will be even more inclined to put your Netflix subscription to use.

NBC

8PM: Howie Do It

I really don’t understand how there isn’t an exclamation point at the end of this title. Can’t you just here a live studio audience chanting, How! Ie! DO ITTT!!! through a black and white television. It’s a shame God invented the remote control because this might really take off if we were still using the UHF VHF knob. Anyhow, if you’re unaware of what the premise is, Howie Mandel dresses up in disguise and pulls pranks on people before removing his fake mustache and hoping that the supposedly unwitting victim recognizes him. He’s basically a real life Gene Paremesan.

9PM: Friday Night Lights

Probably the only thing we won’t only recommend, but avidly insist that you watch tonight. The episode title is “How The Other Half Lives”, and considering how mired in class differences this season has already been I imagine they might take it a little further. Let’s just hope no one ends up dead this time.

10PM: Dateline

The headline is “fighting for Sean”. I’m assuming that means its about a sick kid or something. I can’t envision a title about a grown man entitled, “fighting for Sean” on a news segment, mainly because no one gives a shit about grown men unless they have money.

ABC

8PM: Wife Swap

Man, its been awhile since we’ve been able to comment on this show. Tonight’s episode takes two wives, one whose a single, workaholic go-getter who murdered her last boyfriend and the other is a married but homeless, feeding their children on the panhandling they do in the financial district. It’s going to be crrrazy!

9PM: 20/20

For two hours ABC gives you Dateline but with a Disney spin on it, which means it’s family oriented. When 20/20 shows images of brutal crime scenes, they put smiley faces of America’s favorite cartoons from forty years ago on the slain victims. See, there’s no reason not to watch it with the kids.

FOX

8PM: House

On Friday night? Wow, according to FOX’s description of “special day and time”, I know when to feel lucky, and I feel lucky that House is on, on a Friday night as opposed to World’s Most Death Defying Aardvarks or whatever they would air in its place.

9PM: Lie To Me

Nothing like a double dose of replayed shows for those without access to the internet, DVR’s or Tivos. Actually, with the way the economy is going I kind of admire this move. Each network has about four or five shows that they should re-air on Friday and Saturday night’s, just to try and build up an audience and save some money in the process. I mean, look at the litany of garbage from all these networks, doesn’t it make sense to focus your efforts on a limited number of series’ and try to cash in on them? Does anyone think Wife Swap is really reeling in the dough for ABC?

CBS

8PM: Ghost Whisperer

Jennifer Love Hewitt has been in the news about her weight recently. I always find it amazing that someone’s weight is a news item. This is America, damn it. It’s our birthright to be mouth-breathing slobs, the stereotype is already there, I say embrace it. Like the Irish do with their alcohol intake, or the British do with homosexuality. Anyhow, why does she even give a shit either way? She has this show that is available to her, apparently until the end of time. For fuck’s sake who the hell is spending their Friday nights watching The Ghost Whisperer? It’s rhetorical. I don’t know and I don’t care to know.

What a long, strange trip its been.

9PM: FLASHPOINT

The title is in capital letters to distract you from the mind-wasting garbage that you’re allowing to occupy your eye-line. But honestly, I’ve never heard of this and I refuse to let the caps lock entice me to link to the show’s webpage. Eat it, FLASHPOINT.

10PM: Numb3rs

For 3v3ryon3’s b3n3fit, just to demonstrate how absurd th3 “sp3lling” of this show titl3 is, w3′r3 writing this show’s caption with all the “3’s replaced with “3’s” (and w3′r3 not wav3ring for 3v3n a s3cond). S33? Do3s this shit mak3 even a hint of s3ns3? I hat3 to b3 such a fucking hard ass about it, but why not just sp3ll th3 s3ri3s, Num6375 and g3t it ov3r with?

Alright, that was unnecessary and we apologize. To compensate we’ll try to post some links later today, as we’re drastically behind on the news front.