Grid Effect

It appears we now have two classic television series’ with a good chance of being adapted for the big screen: Arrested Development & Friends. I use the word “classic” to describe both of these shows, so you know just how vague the term actually is. It could really mean anything! Huzzah!

Both should make some decent coin, as Friends has an overwhelmingly sycophantic, predictable audience that will laugh at anything, while Arrested Development carries a very vocal, very pretentious and often times very annoying but loyal fan base. Take me for example, I’m currently wearing a Bluth Frozen Banana t-shirt with a giant sprinting banana on the back. When I wear it in public, people think it’s some sort of allegiance to the gay community. Do I look at them with disdain and an air of superiority because of their blatant homophobia? No. I look at them with disdain and an air of superiority because they’re fucking morons for not watching a TV show I watch.

So yes, I will be there, opening night, scowling at all the patrons in line for the latest Adam Sandler or Julia Roberts vehicle that has an opening weekend concurrent with AD’s. Thing is, I think they only averaged about two million viewers an episode which would tally roughly $20 million box office. I’ve turned about ten people on to AD since its cancellation, if everyone of the two million strong did the same then that number should increase…But yeah, in actuality, they might need to release this in the early spring so it doesn’t get slaughtered.

If the Bluth family were real, this is how they would spend their days.

As for the Friends movie, I can’t even fathom the things I would do to not see this. Luckily this is a free society and to avoid seeing it I just avoid seeing it. But if someone were to put a gun to my head and gave me the ultimatum to either set an animal shelter on fire, see Friends or meet my maker…then I’m afraid some puppies would have to die.

It’s clear the only reason everyone in the cast is on board is in direct response to the cast’s limited post-Friends success. And that, in and of itself, is hardly a reason to shell out $10 for an adaptation of a pretty formulaic TV show that I hardly ever watched in the first place. The movie will probably be hesitantly accepted by its fans, like they know it’s bad but they don’t want to admit it. You ever hear a die hard Sex and The City fan reflect on the movie? And I don’t mean the fembot NYC drones that shape their lives around this show, I mean like real people? It always begins with, “It wasn’t like the TV show…” and then ends with, “…But yeah, yeah, it was fun”, like their conscious won’t allow them to out and out hate the movie. This is verbatim, how I imagine the reaction to the Friends movie being.

If you happen to dislike both of these shows, but are a fan of 24, Lost, Desperate Housewives, CSI or whatever the hell else ABC airs nowadays, then don’t worry, I have a hunch that your favorite characters will get their theatrical release soon enough.

Well, we’re back to our old ways. By which I mean we have nothing to write about, so we’re going to resort to links. The links posts are great in that we are afforded the privilege of making pithy, snide comments about several ongoings in the industry. They’re terrible in that it doesn’t appear anyone reads them. Whatever they are, they’re also a reliable failsafe, which is imperative when you’re posting a grand total of once a day.

How is it that musicians  are the most likely entertainers to bottom out and resort to some sort of reality programming, even when it appears they don’t have to? It appears that Xzibit, best known for Pimp My Ride fame but also released two solid rap albums before whoring himself on gimmicky MTV series. Now the “music” network has their claws in Janet Jackson.  Why is she doing this? Does she not have enough money? Is she paying off some of Michael’s debt? When you start following in the footsteps of Tyra Banks, it’s probably time to kiss the limelight goodbye.

In a move that shocks no one, Showtime has picked up the new Peter Tolan series starring Mathew Perry. It was either them or HBO given the bewildering noteworthy utterance of a certain profanity, and HBO is seems happy continuing their descent off the face of the earth.

It’s difficult to say who has had the better post-Friends career, a showtime series with frowned upon epithets might push Perry over the edge.

When people talk about the growing income disparity between the rich and the poor in this country, they always reference falling wages, outsourcing, etc. And all those things play a contributive role, but what about the Lifetime entertainment chief being married to the creator of the American Office? I’m not one to judge, people are free to earn a living any way they can within the confines of the law, but given that haves tend to marry haves and the have nots are left to each other, maybe that factors in as well.

Newsflash! Supposedly the much hyped Rescue Me “minisodes” are going to be humor-centric. Much to my surprise, you can’t tell a decent dramatic story with character the audience is already familiar with in five minutes. I guess my point is, is this even news? Shouldn’t everyone have just assumed that they would be comedic bits? Even those short Coke films they used to show before movies were generic stabs at comedy. I seriously doubt their going to kill off another one of Tommy Gavin’s kids in a five minute episode.

And finally, I’m going to end up on the Hollywood walk of fame. I don’t have set plans to put my hands in cement, but if you look at the current list of celebrities set to do so, then it stands a better chance than not that I will at some point in my life.

That’s it for today, have a good, most likely sports free weekend.

See, you take a week off from doing links, and there is some actual worthwhile shit to relay. I need to come up with more ideas for arbitrary lists so this isn’t such a rare occurrence.

Peter Tolan, co-creator and writer on the now scorned Rescue Me, is developing a new series with Mathew Perry. In which the Friends alum will utter the seaward, or the “C” word to you non-Arrested Development fans and those who follow and understand English. Apparently we’re supposed to care about the slur, but what’s more shocking to me is that Peter Tolan is developing something without Dennis Leary, and Mathew Perry is still able to find work. It appears being married to Courtney Cox, be it in real life or in fiction, is terrible for your career.

There is talk of a Weeds spinoff in the works with Conrad and presumably Heylia. Normally I would applaud such a decision being that these are/were two of the better actors/characters on the series. But the writers are overwhelmed as it is since they seem to be making it up as they go with the Botwins, so I don’t know if they can handle the workload of writing for two series. And a new writing staff generally doesn’t write for already developed characters all that well (see: Family Guy).

Speaking of which, despite it slagging in quality, Weeds’ fourth season premiere brought Showtime the biggest audience it has ever had. It seems like this is a common theme for series’ on premium networks. That theme being, whenever one of their series’ takes an abnormally long hiatus, the premiere for the following season brings in a huge number (see: Sopranos season four premiere).

Steve Carell promises to be on board with The Office for at least three more seasons. We’re probably at a point now where the series could survive without him, but I am still amazed at his loyalty. This is like if Clooney were still on ER. Also in the link he states that he is fully expecting Amy Ryan to return for the fifth season, which gives the series more star power than any series we can remember.

We think she’s on to his fake serial killer ruse.

Actually, that honor might go to Damages, who is sporting a cast made up of Glenn Close, Ted Danson & now William Hurt. At this point, this series could just as easily be confused with an 80’s movie. Throw in a Michael Douglas or Emilio Estevez for a strong lead and BOOM! That shit would be box office gold twenty-five years ago.

I hate to crush everyone’s hopes, but Lyndsay Lohan is waiting until 2009 to submit her work on Ugly Betty for Emmy consideration. I know, just when you think things are looking on the up and up for her, she’s going to have to miss out on the booze soaked awards show.

US Magazine did a countdown of top reality TV villains. Omarosa led the pack, followed by some guy named Spencer Pratt, Johnny Fairplay and Puck from Real World: San Fransisco rounded out the top four. Um, I remember Omarosa from the first season of Apprentice, and she was a little loopy and a bit accusatory, but beyond that she wasn’t terribly villainous, just comical. Puck, on the other hand, verbally berated a terminally ill AIDS victim pretty much until he was dead and buried. What did Omarosa or “Spencer”– if that is your real name — ever do to top that?

Jason Bateman is now under contract with FOX to create series for them. This is great and all, but isn’t FOX the same network that canceled the critically acclaimed series that he was the lead actor on? Doesn’t this seem like a conflict of interests? He claims to be an “avid consumer of television”. In non-Hollywood speak that generally means you’re a lazy ass, not someone who creates multiple series for a broadcast network. This might not end well.

Finally, given that we have watched Meet The Press every week for the past two or three years, we would be amiss if we didn’t say something about Tim Russert, whose objective and impartial analysis and questioning represented the last bastion of respectable journalism on television. We have no idea who NBC will choose to replace him with, but whoever it is, those shoes he left behind will prove to be too big to fill. His absence will be palpable for years to come.

Links or something similar tomorrow.

…And we’re back, we took yesterday off for personal reasons. I.E, we felt/feel like shit and any post we would have thrown up on the page might as well have been written in Swahili it would be so incoherent. We’re still a little under the weather so this will definitely be an abbreviated post, but it is better than nothing. Just a little FX binger, to brighten up your day.

It’s Always Sunny creators have asked Bon Jovi to provide a cameo in an upcoming episode in which they buy his arena football league team. This is a fucking excellent premise, and since we do not much care for Bon Jovi we’re kind of hoping he turns down the offer, giving the writers an open window to mock his absurd “music”. We look to Springsteen for our Jersey rock.

See, they’ve already mocked Bon Jovi. Kind of.

Tatum O’Neal, despite recent disprovable drug allegations, is welcome back on the Rescue Me set. Well, it’s a big day for Grid Effect’s favorites. Much like Bon Jovi, we could do without O’Neal on this series, but we wish Buttermaker’s step-daughter all the best.

At least one good thing came out of the writer’s strike: FX canceled Dirt. This is a dark day for people who watch shows solely because the lead actress was integral to one of their favorite shows of all time, so I won’t rejoice too much. We’ve made perfectly clear our feelings on Dirt.

FX: we can never tell where you stand amongst other cable networks, your series’ seem to fluctuate in quality more so than any other cable or broadcast network. Which, sadly enough, probably makes you the most watchable network, because at least it fluctuates.

I come from a rather tolling weekend as the bearer of good news: in only one week we’ll actually have a television series to discuss. Well, eight days. Weeds’ 4th season premiere airs a week from today, given us fodder for Tuesday’s post. The at times unbearably self-satisfied and unapologetically liberal series just might be the saving grace for this blog. It’s a shame we’ve had to lower our standards so, but it is what it is.

In the meantime, we will, of course, be offering more of the same. Here are some links to kick off your work week. We might take a break from this and do a list of some sort before the week is out.

New York Magazine wonders what is up with all these crazy women on reality television? Because apparently NYM has never understood the concept of ratings. It’s not like a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest type of situation. Either these women are hamming it up for attention or they were borderline dysfunctional/certifiable long before they were cast on some reality series, and that is why they were cast on some reality series. You could just as easily make one of these lists for male reality stars, particularly Real World cast members.

Jimmy Kimmel is only slightly slagging in ratings behind Conan O’Brien, who is now looking like a suspicious candidate to replace Leno. Say what you will about Leno, we certainly have, but he’s a surefire ratings cannon. Maybe some of O’Brien’s viewership is falling off because they are waiting for him to be bumped up an hour? But while we’ve defended him in the past, losing nights to Craig Ferguson and Kimmel now being viable competition, it stands to wonder if this isn’t a sign of things to come. It is almost like jumping in front of a camera and making cat noises doesn’t have any staying power.

Some writer for some shitty newspaper believes the problem with the Obama imitation on Saturday Night Live isn’t that Fred Armisen is white, but rather that he doesn’t capture Obama’s charisma. Yeah, because mocking imitations for comedic effect only work when they are extremely flattering. Norm McDonald really personified a realistic and fair minded portrayal of Bob Dole, that’s what made it one of the better impersonations in the show’s history. Its accuracy.

If only they gave him more credit for being affable, this would be hilarious.

Survivor: Gabon is behind schedule. Apparently shipping has turned into something of a hassle, and makes it all the more clear why disaster relief is so wildly inefficient in this country and around the world. A private company can’t even supply a TV show with enough goods to film for thirty-nine days, what chance does anyone have in the wake of tragedy?

Semi-related, John Slattery admits to watching Progect Runway, and takes a shot at Survivor while doing so, “What I like is the show is about the creativity, not just, ‘Let’s vote the biggest asshole off the island.’” You take it back John Slattery, how dare you trivialize our guilty pleasure to compliment your guilty pleasure. Why can’t you be more like Vincent Kartheiser and simply say the show you like, then fail to offer an explanation for why you would like something so tedious and trite.

HBO forced a local Baltimore purse shop to change its name from “Handbags In The City” to “Handbags and The City”. I’m just glad to see they’re not picking on the little guy. That store was profiting marginally from using a ridiculously stupid pun on one of their show titles that hasn’t been on the air for four years without proper copyright access. Damn right they have to change that sentence connector. No free passes when it comes to similar language.

And finally, if you’re all clamoring to know what John Stamos has been up to — Like all of us — well, here is your answer. I couldn’t read the article, I fell into mild paralysis with elation that Jesse does indeed have more projects on the way.

That’s all we’ve got, I hope your day goes as quick as mine will slow.

What makes a Thursday morning better than average? When you can return to writing the same tired useless bullshit that you always did, without feeling guilty because you never tried anything new. No, instead you get to feel guilty because you tried and it failed miserably. Your welcome, 451 press!

So here are some links to help tide you over while we wait patiently for Weeds to kick off its fourth season. But even then our expectations are nil after the most recent effort. We have some issues with that series that we’ll address in our season three recap that will be posted sometime late next week before the June 16th premiere. In the meantime, enjoy reading whatever I can trudge up here.

Alan Sepinwall, probably one of the better TV critics around, only had his blog for the last two seasons of The Wire, of which he wrote detailed recaps for every episode. So instead of letting all reasonable obligations end like that, he’s going back to the pilot episode, and writing a weekly recap for every episode in the first season. Not only that, but he’s doing two separate recaps for each episode, one for people who have seen the entire series, and one for people just tuning in. This is something we would contemplate doing if we had the time, patience, interest or resources to actually see it through.

Here are your top ten series’ with opening credit narrations. It’s tedious, pointless and ultimately kind of idiotic, but we read and enjoyed it anyways. Who doesn’t love a good list?

Mad Men will have moved forward past Don Draper sitting on his steps alone for Thanksgiving for the start of the second season. It didn’t end the first season with the characters in peril, and the season two premiere won’t pick up with them in the same exact scene. In other words, it isn’t Weeds. For which we can all be thankful.

The quintessential American romance.

Comparing and contrasting the strengths and weaknesses of the American and British versions of The Office. Seems like apples and oranges at this point. I mean, the American version has had four seasons, three of which are longer than the entire series of its British predecessor. Next week, I’m writing a post about the dichotomy between The Critic and South Park, mainly because they’re both animated.

Speaking of which, South Park will be available on HD for DirectTV subscribers. It’s a widely known fact that watching comedy in HD makes everything exponentially funnier. Its like being stoned, but on technological advancement.

Rescue Me “minisodes” will debut on June 24th, we might have mentioned that on this site. I know we mentioned the eventual existence of them, but no confident that we had a date. Either way, here it is. I, for one, am tickled to see what exactly a minisode is, other than a thematic commercial.

What a surprise, Mad Men and The Wire lead the way in nominations at the Critic’s Awards. Really, there is nothing comparable in quality, originality and style to these series’ on television. Lost can go fuck itself.

And finally, our other national nightmare might come to an end. Eventually. The Simpsons is guaranteed at least a total of twenty seasons, but for some reason it is speculated that after that 20th season, the series will come to an end. We’d be elated, but we’ll believe it when we see it. The show is an institution, but a crumbling one that needs to go away.

That’s it for today, expect a nightly preview tomorrow.

Technical difficulties have afflicted Grid Effect, and while we are more inclined to neglect the site altogether and call it a wash, it’s unspeakably boring at work. So we’re more than happy to contribute to the mass of worthless information that comprises most of the internets. Here are some links, enjoy.

Mad Men’s official second season debut has been scheduled for Sunday, July 27th at 10pm est. Hopefully Pete Campbell hasn’t killed his bastard child by then. This, compounded with Generation Kill and Weeds (a coworker recently dropped HBO in favor of Showtime & Starz for the same price, I’m sensing an oncoming trend), should make July an unusually good TV month.

It looks like Jericho fans are just as insufferable as Friday Night Lights fans, except only for a far inferior television series. Still, best of luck to them and all their future endeavors, with any luck they’ll get Quantum Leap back on the air as well.

A preview of season four of Weeds. We haven’t seen the third season yet (starting tonight, actually), but we’ll just say that after the first two seasons, we’re kind of hoping either Nancy Botwin redeems herself in some way or else she experiences some comeuppance. A little too reckless/negligent for us to always want to see her succeed.

Tivo will have an option to record all the series’ recommended by the Chicago Tribune’s Maureen Ryan (see Mad Men link). We enjoy Miss Ryan’s prose, but why she was chosen over the thousands of TV critics in the country, we’ll never understand. Anyway, don’t be surprised if you select this option, only to see your Tivo overloaded with Friday Night Lights reruns.

MTV will have cameras follow rapper/wannabe actor TI around while he completes his court ordered 1,000 hours of community service. It’s like a Scared Straight for those with penchants of loitering and starting bar fights. TI was found guilty of much heavier charges, but he’s a celebrity. And it’s a widely known fact that celebrities are better than regular people, thus receive lighter sentences. If for whatever reason (we can’t think of one) this doesn’t sound like its for you, don’t worry; I’m sure MTV will manage to condense the 1,000 into about 180 minutes.

The Hills goes out of their way to illustrate their “personalities” as non-celebrities so as to make it still seem relatable, because they know that no other media exists in the entire world, and no one could figure this out for themselves. Said MTV programming head, Tony DiSanto: “It’s not a documentary about Lauren who is a star because she’s on a show called ‘The Hills.” He followed that up with, “I don’t give a shit what you fucking muts say, MTV has programming standards, and we will not lower our brow for any of you unless you can guarantee us higher ratings”.*

I just can’t place why this show is popular.

Terrence Winter is working on a new project with HBO, and reflects fondly on working with Sydney Pollack. If you don’t know who Terrence Winter is, then go look it up because we’ve mentioned his accolades enough on this website. We’ll just link to his IMDB page to make it easier…This guy loves the northeast, apparently.

Speaking of which, if you’re looking for an overpriced, (most likely) oversized suit, then look no further: James Gandolfini is auctioning off twenty-four of the suits he wore as Tony Soprano. A couple questions: First, he got to keep those fucking suits? All of Them? Did he ever wear the same suit twice? Or just one an episode? I’d be looking to hawk some of those as well. Second, does it come with his chronic wheezing? I don’t want the suit unless respiratory disease is promised.

I love that we live in a world where Ashton Kutcher is now in a position to hire Kelsey Grammar and not the other way around. We have no idea what for and we’re already disinterested.

Reynoldsburg, Ohio native “Bow Wow” has joined the cast of Entourage. One of the five characters (likely Turtle) will almost certainly call him “dog” in some lame attempt at a pun, and everyone in the scene will laugh…this show needs to end.

Drea De Matteo is getting the Michael Richards treatment after her asinine decision to leave The Sopranos in favor of a spinoff sitcom on NBC. We said at the time it was probably the smart move since she was going to be killed off regardless, but we’ve heard contradicting reports. If in fact she opted to leave before discovering she would be killed off instead of as a result of it, then this website has little sympathy for her. At the same time, the failures of Joey had little to do with Matteo’s acting, and what little success they did have you could attribute at least 40% to her looks. True story.

Finally,HBO is set to air Bad Girls, a women’s prison drama that’s going to ruin all of our lesbian fantasies. Or maybe enhance them, who knows? If there is anyone that dreams of men hooking up with each other at a fervent pace, Oz most likely fulfilled those. Unless you like to live through your sexual encounters, then probably not. Seriously though, it looks great!

Have a thoroughly rewarding weekend.

We’ll have parts three and four in the adventures of NBC executives coming next week, we’re still transcribing a lot of what we heard, and that is no easy task. To get us to next week we’re resorting back to our old ways, and getting you caught up on all the random industry news that no one is particularly interested in. Enjoy.

Some guy won American Idol a couple nights ago. We have no idea what his name is, but it really doesn’t matter. The operative word is “guy”, meaning he’ll be participating in c-list celebrity charity events and on E! reality television shows within the calendar year. Still, 32 million people watched that shit, and that almost seems like an understatement. We were in a Chinese restaurant for our nieces birthday on Wednesday night. Everyone from the bartenders to the waiters to my nieces to my siblings to my cousins were invested in this show. You would have thought a UFO had touched down the way everyone was huddling around the fucking television.

HBO has hired Frank Rich, A NY Times op-ed columnist as a consultant. Seems like a peculiar decision, given the mainstream indifference towards everything involving the NY Times. Maybe they hired him for his opinion, only to do the exact opposite of everything he suggests. Nothing against Frank Rich or the NY Times, but numbers are numbers and they do not play favorably with anything out of their op-ed section. It isn’t like HBO, who play host to Real Time With Bill Maher, hasn’t made their political leanings perfectly clear in the past.

The psuedo-feminist gawker blog Jezebel is watching every episode of Sex and The City in anticipation of the TV show’s theatrical debut. From the way she makes it sound, it’s like the TV equivalent of first time you go back out into public after being in a strip club, in which you expect every conversation with a woman to conclude with the offering of a lap dance. But instead of mistaking innocent exchanges for simulated sex-for-money propositions, you find yourself using tacky puns in everyday conversation and assuming that everyone is speaking in innuendo. In other words, never go to strip clubs, and if you must watch Sex and The City, never do so at a frequency of more than two or three episodes at a time. It’s bad for your real world sensibilities.

Simpsons voice actors (is this the proper terminology?) are now taking home $500,000 an episode. This would have made sense in the mid-90’s when the series was arguably (most likely) the best thing on television, now that it’s sinking like a fucking rock, actually, its been at the bottom of the ocean for about four or five years now, they’re getting a cool half a mil for their efforts? When did the television industry become like NBA contracts?

I usually find myself in a similar predicament at least two or three times a week.

Rescue Me, one of the bigger casualties of the writers strike that still managed to stay on air, is airing ten “minisodes” in lieu of an actual season in 2008. This is a nice gesture, and if you have a Tivo or DVR everything set to record Rescue Me episodes will pick these up, but I still do not have either device so am shit out of luck when it comes to actually catching these things. My life may be rather empty, but not so much that I can make time for something as mundane as a five minute episode of television. Why they don’t put these things up on a youtube channel or something is beyond me. Anyhow, their next season is twenty-two episodes, meaning it’s actually just two seasons without a hiatus.

Survivor is hoping to appeal to a younger audience by–and I kid you not– lowering their age requirements to be on the show from 21 to 18. Umm, this is the same show that had Parvati, Amanda, Jason and Erik on it, right? Something tells me the fountain of maturity wasn’t the culprit for keeping their ratings down. It probably has more to do with after sixteen seasons, everything starts to lose its appeal. But hey, by all means, lower the age limit. They should pull kids out of a TRL crowd if they think that will help their cause.

On the other hand, Survivor’s debut in Israel, much like it was here, has been something of a pop-culture phenomenon. I have no idea what it’s like in Israel for the average joe, but many of the citizens have to consider the name of the reality series in somewhat poor taste. They did an entire Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about this.

And finally in ratings news, FOX finished the season at #1, proving once again that just because you are successful, doesn’t mean you won’t piss us off greatly. And Desperate Housewives is rated the highest scripted series on television by beating out CSI. Proving that ever since The Sopranos went off the air, if you want to engage in any water-cooler discussion at work, then this site is really counterproductive for you.

Back with part three of our epic saga of the NBC executives later today or next Monday.

Slow, slow TV weeks ahead. With no Office, Survivor or South Park, the next TV event we’ll write about is probably Recount which airs next Monday. Unless we start dating someone with Showtime, we should be on hiatus from all television series until Generation Kill in July. So, here is the first of what’s sure to be many links posts over the next couple months.

Ian Ziering, one of the cast members from the original 90210, is now a MySpace “star”. Funny, because I thought the term “star” implied that you were recognizable to the mainstream, not that you developed a miniseries then put it on your MySpace page. Because if that is the case, my niece is a “star” as well. Poor guy. Although he was probably sick to death of her, he went from being married to this, to developing an internet show that virtually no one realizes exists.

Jerry Springer officially apologized for the Jerry Springer Show, presumably because he’s running for office in the near future. He’s so sorry and was so aware that the show was contributing to the decay of culture in this country, that he starred in a film satire about the whole thing.

Portia de Rossi (Lyndsay Bluth) is marrying Ellen Degeneres. One of these two is marrying up, but I’m not really sure who. We have no barometer for things like this with same-sex couples, probably because they often seem too content to worry about such matters.

Aside from them both being women, this matrimony will probably be a lot more traditional than anyone will give it credit for.

Probably the best indicator of how poor these network crime dramas are in terms of character development, is how interchangeable the actors are, and cliche and ridiculous their characters descriptions tend to be.

The fourth season of Weeds is at least partially set in South America, and here are photos from it! We still haven’t seen but the first two episodes from the third season and we have them queued up on Netflix for their June 3rd release. We might due a brief synopsis of the third season before the fourth airs, simply for lack of anything else to do.

In a tragic blow to the film industry, Jimmy Fallon is retiring from the big screen to focus on his late night career. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, including Jimmy Fallon having a late night talk show and Jimmy Fallon having a movie career to retire from. I don’t think the nation understands the impact of this decision. This means no more Taxi, and no more minor Hornby. You know you’ll miss him when he’s gone.

And finally, some actress is going to be playing some doctor that “challenges” Sean on the next season of Nip Tuck. One, I can’t believe this shit was renewed. Two, “challenges” for an actress in Nip Tuck land means she collects penises and sells them on the black market in a third world country or something. Say Adios to your member, Sean, it’s not like you ever used it all that often, and the few times you did you were brow beaten by every other character on the show. So, maybe it’s for the best. Maybe now we can get along to a storyline that doesn’t resemble every other storyline the series has had.

And on that note, have a great day.

The Office finale is tonight, rendering us speechless that we’ll actually spend a full hour tonight watching a comedy that we are looking forward too. I saw a preview on Leno last night with Rainn Wilson as the guest introducing it, and if that clip was an indication of how the episode will go, then we’re optimistic for the finale. One of the characters ends up leaving, and though who that is, is implicit in the episode title, we are not in the business of spoiling anyone before an episode has aired. But lets just say that he’s a writer, and I’m sure he will be intricately involved in this alleged spinoff, set to air in 2009.

In the meantime, here are some links. We really pity anyone who reads this site, there are probably about 1,236,632 other TV sites that have more committed approaches than we do at this one as they seem to watch more television. But let us sum that up in three words: fuck that shit. Encouraging people to watch Gossip Girl is something we can’t condone much less participate in.

Not that we expected anything from CBS to really set our world on fire or for them to Stand PAT in the fall, but what they’re offering seems exceptionally bad. For the three pilots they describe in the article: one’s a ripoff of Meet The Parents, one is a ripoff of Psyche and the other is a carbon copy of every relationship sitcom ever made. You know, if they are going to essentially steal from everyone else, you think they would be a little more relevant than a TV show no one watches on USA and a movie that’s over ten years old. Just sayin’.

For God knows what reason, Kelsey Grammar gives a shit about his now canceled FOX sitcom, Back To You. Considering the guy is set for life, has to be pushing sixty years old and the show was at best getting a marginal Nielsen and kind of lukewarm critically, you’d think he’d almost be in a hurry to get off the air with that so as not to tarnish his legacy. But no. He wants everyone to see what no one has seen, and the only reason no one has seen it is because everyone assumes it will be unpleasant. That’s conviction most people lack, which we admire; but it’s like continuing the bank robbery even after you’re surrounded by a SWAT team: it’s probably better to just cut your losses and accept the fact that you failed.

In a stunning development that is shocking the world, left-wing politicians are upset with a Hollywood project. Specifically, HBO’s new original movie Recount about the 2000 presidential election. Apparently it makes them look like complete and utter pussies (while most likely simultaneously making the right-wing look bat shit crazy, but they’re used to it), which democrats are probably tired of being labeled as. We haven’t seen the movie as it doesn’t air for another couple weeks, but our interest has peaked. And I promise both sides of the aisle that when I review it on here, I’ll be sure to point out how ridiculous both of you are.

Obviously, he’s a democrat.

Dana Delaney, whose been in such hits as The Right Temptation and Exit to Eden, will continue her role on Desperate Housewives into next season. This is despite her storyline ending this season, which means she’ll be narrating from beyond with a couple flashbacks here and there. See, if you combine all of the five minute stints we’ve watched of that show, it probably comes out to around an episode and a half of the series, and we already know what’s going to happen.

And finally, according to the San Fransisco Chronicle, it’s officially been proven that sitcoms literally rot your brain. Now, there is a lot of variances of sitcoms these days. If Arrested Development and South Park rot my brain, then let me say that 1) I don’t believe it for a minute and 2) Even if they did I wouldn’t give a shit. If you’re watching shit like Big Bang Theory or Rules of Engagement (or to disprove our bias, It’s Always Sunny), then sure, this study is irrefutable. But simply because it’s packaged as a half-hour comedy on television, doesn’t mean by default it turns you into some zombie shut-in. Sure, that is predominately the case, but there are exceptions.

Office recap tomorrow.

We’ll come out and say it right now. we’re not doing anything but watching basketball tonight. Not only do we have money on one of the games, and the other game involves the home-state team, we went to Cleveland on Saturday for game 3 of the Cavs-Pistons and walked around all day and night with a short-sleeve shirt on. It was probably fairly cold out when we left the game, I don’t know, I was too drunk to notice. But as a result my throat feels like the great wall of China is running through it right now. So, just expect more of the same tomorrow is all we’re saying.

I get the impression that all the news and press releases about the upcoming 90210 remake will turn out to be more entertaining than the show itself. The show was so over-the-top when it was on in the early 90’s, I’m not sure what else they can really accomplish in terms of outrageousness and still expect people to watch. Like I’ve said before, unless Michael caps someone in the knee with a shotgun for their family inheritance, our interest is non-existent.

The new cast of 90210, it looks about like one would expect.

Hi-yo! The Real World is making like the Nets and heading to Brooklyn. We’re not sure how people like the current cast will really fit in around our favorite NYC borough, but if they can supply the coke than I’m sure the twenty-something crowd will except them just fine.

I’m sorry, but we’ve often criticized Lost but always preambled that we can see the appeal. Well, if this actually happens, we take that all back, the show will be rendered appeal-less. If you are to lazy to click on the link like I would be, it’s an interview with “Popular Mechanics”, saying that the island everyone is allegedly lost on, is capable of time travel. We have no idea how close the series is to pulling this off, or if they’re just saying this for the benefit of “Popular Mechanics”, but essentially what it means is nothing is out of bounds for the show. They could learn to fly with palm tree leaves and it would seem feasible now. Christ all mighty. I’ve seen in commercials they all have guns now, can’t Daniels kill everyone on the island, regret it and then kill himself out of guilt in these final episodes?

Apparently I’m not the only one who was critical of last Thursday’s Office episode. This article claims it to be their worst effort in the four year run, and while we might not go that far, it is definitely closer to the bottom than the top of the list for us as well. It seems nit-picky, since the four preceding it were world-class, but it’s almost like they focused all their efforts on the finale and just used the penultimate episode to set it up.

It seems like I post a link to this after every Survivor season, but Sunday’s finale was the lowest rated finale for the series, breaking last season’s record low. Let’s put it this way, given how good this season was (even if it disappointed in the end), if it’s finale couldn’t beat out the finale from the dismally boring China season, then this is a trend we’re expecting to continue.

Finally, something of a high note, I guess, Mitchell Hurwitz has an animated series set to come out featuring the voices of Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Will we watch? Obviously. But Hurwitz’s grand return to television, we were expecting something a little more enticing than an animated series. Essentially we were hoping for Arrested Development, but maybe with a different setting. Though that might be one liberty too many for them to take, that show was fucking perfect.

Welcome back from what was a glorious weekend of actively avoiding television. And you know, if there are people watching what TV offers over the weekends I really hope they enjoy it, but while what we generally see during the week is bad enough, the weekend offerings are a constant barrage of idiocy. It’s like going from the rubik’s cube to the ball in a cup. Or rather, something less complicated than a rubik’s cube and more bland than ball in a cup.

So we’re back to the same old after a week long attempt at originality. Here are some links to start the late morning right.

Here’s some obscure website’s take on the top fifty television series’ of all time. It looks like they list them one by one, meaning you have to link to forty-nine different pages from the one you open on so we’re probably never going to read it. But it does have Quantum Leap listed at #50, so it’s probably a worthwhile read, unless it ignores The Wire, then the people at this online publication are idiots.

Jon Stewart will be on location for the D & R NC’s, if you’re into that sort of thing. It could get fairly contentious at both of them, amongst the democrats themselves Jon could end up collateral damage, and while all republicans generally tend to concede that they like his humor, they probably all secretly hate his guts, and could become the target of their scorn. Either way, things could turn out bad for the quick-witted political voice.

Jessica Walter, also known as Lucille Bluth, has been cast for the Beverly Hills: 90210 remake. She’ll probably play the exact same character she played on Arrested Development but will do so dramatically instead of comically. Which is why we watch AD and not 90210, because that character should never be taken seriously.

Tailor made for the primetime soap.

Amy Ryan is set to join the cast of The Office (Note: Avoid clicking on this link if you wish to avoid any and all spoilers, even for comedies). Either she has an extraordinary agent, an eye for good acting projects or just an incredible amount of luck, because between this, The Wire, Capote Gone Baby Gone & Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead she hasn’t had a misstep in about ten years. And perusing her IMDB page, it looks like the connection here is co-starring in Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell. We had to see that to restore some order in the world, because generally an academy award nominated actress doesn’t “downgrade” to sitcom acting.

And finally, if you’re anything like me then you’ve always wondered what Wire characters would look like in Simpsons animation, but never had the talent, connections or resources to actually see it come to fruition. Well, wait no more, because this website has taken the time to bring these legendary characters to life with a Matt Groening likeness. It’s embarrassing how much I enjoyed this.

Something tomorrow.

We’re posting closer to the PM than usual again, mainly because it’s Monday and we spent all weekend entertaining war bound naval soldiers which entails drinking heavily at several different venues for extended periods of time. So if we had the opportunity to post anything original before the day started, that time has passed with the late arrival to the office and our mounting load of work. Anyhow, all these factors in addition to our general malaise results in some impassioned links to meet my posting quota for the day. We’re pretty sure we’re about two weeks from an Office Space like breakdown.

It’s about time the president finds the time to appear on Deal or No Deal. Howie Mandel’s crowning achievement resembles this country’s approach to international and domestic policy more so than anything born out of a think tank, and it’s time our nation’s leader thanked the producers for the template. Or vice versa.

Hilary Clinton, John Edwards and Barack Obama all made brief appearances in that order on The Colbert Report last Thursday. Edwards was the only one to take a stab at the comedy angle on a comedy show, Clinton and Obama were too busy grandstanding for an eager audience. Still, since Clinton was the first cameo, it gave Colbert the opportunity to mock her after she left. But this is just a great sign, it’s a privilege that all our future leaders, just like our current ones, have the time to dabble in entertainment with everything so hunky-dory in this country and abroad.

From awkward interviews with candidates spouses to awkward cameos from the candidates themselves, Colbert Report resembles Meet The Press nowadays more so than The Daily Show.

Tim Goodman, the resident San Fransiscan always with sage advice for those in television, suggests that HBO open their doors to some of the great storytellers including David Lynch, Spike Lee and Woody Allen. Umm, the first two, sure. They have a history in television, and Spike Lee a history with HBO. But they could offer Woody Allen five billion dollars and all the underage girls in east Asia, and he isn’t doing anything for television.
Has Mr. Goodman seen Annie Hall? Something tells me he resents the medium. Of course, HBO claims to be something beyond television, so maybe Allen will fall for it. We still have high hopes for HBO original productions, but we doubt it ever comes from someone who famously said in response to LA being clean, “That’s because they don’t throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.”

Against our better judgment we saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall last night. It wasn’t terrible or anything, but instead exactly what we expected. On a ten point scale we’d give it a six, and unequivocally the best part of the movie was the generic rock star character, played by Russell Brand. Who, apparently, used to host Big Brother in the UK. This, naturally, ruined our morning. It’s like finding out your childhood baseball hero was ‘roided up.

And finally, a dash of hope for the little guy. Or rather the little, bald, eccentric, millionaire comedian with no mainstream appeal, as David Cross is reportedly dating Amber Tamblyn. Who’s Amber Tamblyn? We have no fucking clue, but a google image search brings up these still shots, so, congratulations, Mr. Cross. It would be a cause for celebration if she didn’t look like she was in high school.

We’ll at least do a nightly preview tomorrow if we can’t find anything worthy of it’s own post.

We’re still in the precipice of a hectic work week, so bare with us as we offer up day old news for the first three days of this, the third week of April.

Now desperately seeking an edge to regather its once dominant Nielsen score, Survivor is going HD. Assuming this is the case, the editing team better be working around the clock to verify there are not any exposed body parts.

TV critic Tim Goodman sums up the mentality of NBC comedy fans quite aptly in this op-ed piece. In short, he says we’re comedy elitists who denounce more traditional CBS comedies without giving them a chance. This describes the attitude on Grid Effect almost to a tee, and the odds of us changing up are about 100/1. Call us a snob if you will, but we’ve watched Big Bang Theory and we were mightily unimpressed.

Albert Brooks will play Nancy Botwin’s father-in-law in the fourth season of Weeds. Now, if only they would release the third season DVD’s so I could prepare to watch the fourth season, I’d be all set. But no, Showtime keeps me in suspense, at least with DVD releases and not actual storytelling.

There’s a picture of Mary Louise-Parker’s digitally enhanced naked ass that we wanted to use, but chose this instead. Mainly because violence is so much less-threatening than sex.

Here’s something you don’t see everyday: A reality TV director has been arrested on charges he falsely imprisoned eight women. Apparently he led them into his house with the promise of putting them on a series. A few things about this, first, I thought people that lied about being in showbiz to get women actually had no affiliation with the industry. If you actually have some kind of pull, what’s the point of promising a woman a spot you never plan to give to her, if you can actually put a good word? I suppose you can always be a sick fuck, so maybe that’s the case. Secondly, I think this is another argument for the abolishment of reality television. If it is so mind-numbingly boring for the people involved that they resort to multiple kidnappings, then it’s time to rethink the genre.

A.O. Scott, who we’ve sometimes felt to be pompous, writes a piece about Roger Ebert’s television career that is anything but. Regardless of your opinion of Ebert’s approach to movie reviews, his contribution is undeniable and hopefully a “Better Know a Congressman” segment.

Stephen Colbert is doing his show from Philadelphia all week. We watched last night as Colbert always brings his A-game for the away crowd, and last night was no exception. We recommend tuning in tonight to see an interview with Michelle Obama.

It seems like state employees were really fond of The Wire. Which is strange since that is who the show is usually hammering away on, even with the obvious degree of affection the series portrays the majority of its characters with, they are still perceived as ineffective at best and expendable at worst. But yeah, City Hall in Nashville is still in mourning over its conclusion. I guess that speaks to the caliber of programming that The Wire brought every week.

And finally, Newsday has a column about the difficulties sports-oriented TV series face. We mentioned it yesterday with The Contender, the article focuses mainly on Friday Night Lights, the problems the two shows face might vary, but we think a lot of it is related to sports movies being such a staple in US cinema that diverting from that is unlikely. Sports fans generally have amazingly short attention spans, we think FNL’s ratings failure stems directly from that mindset.

More of the same tomorrow.

As some of my friends from Georgia might say, Hey ya’ll! It is Monday, meaning I, just like you, probably have no vested interest in what I’m currently doing. You show us a person who enjoys Monday mornings, and I’ll show you an office pariah. Also, I suppose we owe you an apology. Last Friday at the end of our Office recap, we promised an additional post later that afternoon that was never delivered.

We’re not going to lie, though we were busy at work, we could have squeezed it in, we just felt like if we used up all the good links for an unnecessary post on Friday, then there would be nothing to write about on Monday. And really, that is just kind of sad. To be honest, I think we’re more deserving of your pity than your ire.

So here are a few links. Se’ll try to unveil something original this week, maybe another story in the life of Jason Katims, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

For everything you’ve ever wanted to know about the themes and direction of The Wire, watch this forum with David Simon and…several community leaders at Harvard. The moderator has all the personality and charisma you’d expect most Harvard faculty to have.

Speaking of personality, Flight of The Conchords are touring the U.S. over the summer. I imagine it will be a similar act to their HBO special. But still, definitely worth the price of admission. We’d rather see this than 90% of legitimate music acts that will be touring at about the same time.

It’s times like this we wished we still smoked weed.

Here is nerve.com’s opinion of the 50 greatest comedy sketches of all time. We’re glad to see that The State was included, along with some Chapelle Show and of course, SNL. Had we compiled our own list it would have been from the same sources, but different material.

Mo Ryan at the Tribune wonders whether or not HBO can make it a whole five months without airing any original series until Fall. While it will be atypical for them, there really isn’t much the network can do about it now. And it’s not like their going to crumble up and die during the hiatus. Besides, who the fuck is currently watching HBO anyways?

The saga of Mark Burnett’s the reality series continues as The Contender has now been canceled by ESPN. Currently shopping for another home, this article states that HBO and Showtime are off the books. I don’t know why this series doesn’t just fade into oblivion like every other series ever made, but it doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon. Someone should make a movie about this continuing struggle to find a home for a reality series that nobody watches. I could see the tagline for it now: “It’s down for the count, but up to the challenge”.

And finally,Craig Ferguson managed to beat Conan O’Brien in ratings without any qualifiers last week. When we were in college it seemed like everyone we didn’t like or respect preferred Ferguson over O’Brien, so this isn’t really a surprise to us. We disliked a lot of people we went to school with. Nothing against Ferguson personally, we just prefer the zaniness of Conan (who made a brilliant appearance at Comedy Central’s “Night of Too Many Stars” yesterday).

That’s it for now, don’t expect anything else today.