Grid Effect

Absolutely nothing on television last night, we promised a nightly preview on Sunday for today, but don’t have time for it right now, maybe later this afternoon. Anyhow, here are some links.

I can’t imagine The Wire is heavily promoted on the other side of the pond, but for everyone enamored with the sophistication of Brits, season five debuted over there to a paltry 38,000 viewers. See, just like Americans, Europeans would probably rather watch Wipeout. I don’t know what the correct proportionality would be, but it at least scored around a Nielsen rating of one here in the states, so at least Americans can at least drop whatever intellectual inferiority complex they might have had with our ally, or at least when it comes to television. We’re still collectively retarded. Much like every shortcoming in Europe, I’m somehow pinning this one on soccer hooliganism.

Alright, if you didn’t see Mad Men when it originally aired, or download it off Itunes or Bit Torrent, or catch the marathon this past Sunday, or see any of the reruns in between the original run and the marathon, or haven’t watched it on demand; you can now watch the season one finale on their website. What a monumental service they’re providing. Don’t get me wrong, my nuts are tingling with the thought of Sunday’s season two premiere. But if they don’t open to at least 5 million viewers, then all this promotion has been a total fucking waste. $25 million. Does anyone know how many pilots you can produce for that kind of scratch? But no, Mr. Weiner needs a painted subway cart to advertise his critically acclaimed series that was tailor made for a small but loyal demographic in the first place.

The creator or whatever of ER intends to ask George Clooney to return for a cameo, and doubts the film star will agree but isn’t deterred. I’m guessing John Wells was the affable nerd who wanted to date the head cheerleader, and asked her out after telling everyone else he was going to ask her out but she’ll probably say no but then she says yes out of a sense of obligation to not appear like a total bitch to the rest of her peers. I’m on to you, John Wells.

You want to catch this hunk of man meat Mr. Wells? You're going to have to drop the pity party.

Grey’s Anatomy consulted GLAAD for how to handle an upcoming storyline about a lesbian couple. I understand this is as much a publicity stunt as anything to compensate for the whole Isiah Washington thing, but wouldn’t the advice just be to not make them one-dimensional? Like, don’t gay people ever get tired of watching gay and lesbian characters that have nothing to offer aside from commentary about proclivities for fucking people of the same gender? Is creating an Omar Little or a Kima Greggs, gay characters who just happen to be gay all that difficult?

And finally, Joss Whedon’s new series was all the rage at the critics press tour this year. It is called Dollhouse, and will serve as a prequel to something. I don’t know, I’m not reading that full interview. I’ve never seen Firefly (but hear Christina Hendricks is in it, and since we would be entertained watching her do manual labor, we can certainly make room for a series she is in) so I can’t comment on it. I’ve seen a few episodes of Buffy — because my roommate’s girlfriend junior year was obsessed with the show, and he was a total pussy, so she always ended up watching it at our place — and fucking loathed it.

Maybe I went into the show with a preset notion to hate it because I couldn’t stand my roommates girlfriend, but the production on it required a bigger budget than whatever network was responsible for financing the series. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be so superficial. But the fight scenes looked like something out of Gymkata, and that was a bit distracting. But hey, you want to watch Dollhouse? Be my guest. But don’t come crying to me the first time you see a woman holding a knife and a head and bodiless foot flashes onto the screen and kicks the knife away.

Back with a preview of tonight’s airings.

We’ll get to a few links in a moment. We have to. Because really, what’s this website without recycled news items? It doesn’t exist, really. But just a few quick words about the Rescue Me mini-episode (I almost typed “minisode” without the quotations, imagine my embarrassment). It had some funny context and it’s always enjoyable to see Mike mocked for his Forrest Gump like intelligence, but it was fairly predictable what was going to happen after Mike managed to spell “plethora” correctly.

There’s really nothing else to say about this five minute installment of Rescue Me. It certainly paled in comparison to last week’s. But that was masterful. So, if that is the litmus test, I’m afraid all of these will qualify as failures from here on out. Sorry, Tolan and Leary, you should have set the bar lower so early in your mini-episode run.

Onto some links:

Ebert and Roeper have replacements and I’ve never heard of them before, nor am I even certain they’re professional critics. But here is an unmerciful assessment of the two new hosts. I get the impression that the it will resemble an entertainment news show in the same vein as Entertainment News or Access Hollywood more so than anything related to film criticism. And while it’s a pity, come late August I’ll no longer be forced to stay up until 1am on Sunday nights to watch movie reviews. Silver lining, I suppose. Anyhow, If these two do end up doing film reviews together a la Ebert and Roeper, this will probably end with me saying I’d rather watch trailers for a half hour.

I hate commenting on gossip, but In probably the most random Hollywood friendship or whatever documented in the history of that fucking town, Jon Hamm is informed enough on the status of Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman to doll out updates to tabloids. This is kind of like finding out your girlfriend is sleeping with a midget, only more unexpected. In other news, Kathy Bates is now dating the kid from Dick Tracy.

Elizabeth Berkley, most noted for her roles in Showgirls and as Jesse “I’m off my rocker on caffeine pills” Spano on Saved By The Bell; has been cast into the final season of The L Word. Apparently they haven’t seen her work or they’re looking for the worst actress possible so it is easier to denigrate the straight woman. Whatever, if behooves me to even try to understand this show.

Rosie Perez, long noted for her stand against lowbrow film and television, has accepted a role on Lipstick Jungle. Which makes sense, because it’s so universally recognized as the second coming of Shakespeare. We’ll let it slide because she’s also in the upcoming Pineapple Express.

So apparently NBC and Greg Daniels are torn as to whether they should do an Office spin-off, create a series specifically for Amy Poehler, both, or turn the two ideas into one. The latter seems the most practical, but not for us, only for people who find Amy Poehler funny, which in my non-scientific observations is strictly women ages 16-35. If nothing else, that’s a loyal TV demographic.

And finally, Jay Leno is done next memorial day as host of The Tonight Show, we imagine Conan O’Brien will replace him shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will start in early Spring of 2009. Um, we’re not really sure what to make of any of this, but in short: NBC is replacing hack, one-liner specialist and horrid interviewer Jay Leno, with an underachieving comedic actor in Jimmy Fallon, who has no experience in this field.  Bang up job, NBC. Now Steve Schrippa is going to be out of a job in less than a year.

There is a slew of worthwhile news items on the docket today, so we’re going to try and divvy them up into two of three posts. Anything less would just be undignified.

If you want to know the premise for any and every plot in FNL’s third season, then here’s your type of column. I’ve always wondered why the broadcast network series are generally so loose lipped about the developments of future seasons while the cable series’ basically have a death warning should any cast or crew member reveal anything to anyone. Given, nothing is given away other than where the upcoming season will begin, but it’s still so much information.

We always imagined you were a plot device, sorry to see you go, Lyla's chaste boyfriend.

Ever wondered how Weeds decided to blow up the entire series and take it south? I kind of assumed that after the third season it was evident they were out of ideas, so they could have taken it to Antarctica for all I cared, so long as they tried something different. But apparently there was greater incentive to switch gears. Hmm, color me surprised.

The Wire, Mad Men and 30 Rock took home the top prizes at the Critics Choice Awards. See, these winners are quite similar to the Emmy nominations, but no one will ever mention it, because the pink elephant in the room is the absence of The Wire with the Emmy’s. But still: progress.

Lorne Michaels is now blaming the media’s love affair for why his Barack Obama skits are so noticeably unfunny. Um, there are always politicians that the media fawns over, it has never been a problem in the past. Part of SNL’s job is to make him mockable, not wait for the media or the politician himself to beat you to the punch. Good lord, what ever happened to SNL?

And finally, if you’re into this sort of thing, Paul Lieberstein, writer and actor who plays Toby on The Office, married a college professor over this past week. Apparently no one gave Paul the memo that when you are doing something professionally in Hollywood, you are supposed to marry the student and not the professor.

That’s all we have the energy for at the moment, back with more links shortly.

We showed up an hour late to work today and are still groggy as all hell, so we’ll leave the Generation Kill recap to this afternoon’s work. On the other hand Showtime, who now fancy themselves the new HBO, are all over the newswire, so here’s a few updates from a network that no one has.

Edie Falco has a new series coming out called Nurse Jackie. It isn’t medically focused, and my guess is it isn’t mob focused either, so people are going to be pretty confused. Supposedly she plays a women with a painkiller addiction. I can already see the bevy of Rush Limbaugh jokes thrown in to the script.

Try as she might, we don't ever see her shaking Carmela Soprano us...posting this picture of her with James Gandolfini probably doesn't help matters.

Weeds has been renewed for two more seasons, and we can’t decide if this is good or bad. This fourth season is showing promise after the train wreck that was the third, but it’s still rarely generates more than a “meh” from us after an episode. We’ll stay positive and say this is a good thing because it gives everyone involved a chance to right the ship.

Also renewed for two more seasons? Secret Diary of a Call Girl (can be found in above links). We’ve watched maybe twenty seconds of this, but with the grainy seemingly outdated camera they use, this is how we always imagined 70’s soft core porn looked. We have no idea why they cast the people they did or use the settings and ambiance they do on this series, but hey, people seem to enjoy it. Besides, at this point Showtime could renew or air anything and some hump critic somewhere is going to declare it “genius”, so why not exploit that?

Apparently The L Word is coming to an end, and we couldn’t be more indifferent. We understand it’s about a gang of homosexual women who come from another planet and set out to rule Earth, so it certainly has a niche.  But the good news for at least one cast member is the showrunner and network is considering a spin-off. Because everything is spun-off these days.

And finally, Showtime is picking up a new series entitled Lock and Load , that will be set in a gun shop. The store is located in Englewood, Colorado and will be primarily aired through hidden cameras. Which, while we like this idea, seems a bit exploitive. Not necessarily to the imbeciles who come in and cause some sort of redneck scene, but to the gun culture in general. They’re obviously going to take the most outrageous moments and put them on air, making everyone involved with gun ownership look just as insane. When the truth is, you could put hidden cameras on a cookie stand for twenty-four hours and you would be privy to a fair amount of abnormal shit as well.

Back with some news or Generation Kill recap later.

And we finally got a sentimental, or at least quasi-sentimental Rescue Me minisode last night. As the firehouse used its final moments to banter about surefire hall of famers and the likelihood they did steroids, before unwittingly taking a call that sent them to the world trade center on 9/11. The use of Jimmy wasn’t recognizable at first, because after seeing three of these things I’ve grown accustom to just half watching them for five minutes then flipping to an Office rerun on TBS or something. But when the crew and Tommy began throwing the name Jimmy around, about thirty seconds into his appearance it finally dawned on me what was taking place.

After then it seemed likely they were planning on using this as a depiction of that unfortunate Tuesday morning, but it was still effective. Everyone, particularly Tommy, seemed relatively happy compared to what the majority of the characters are going through now. The entire scene reminded me of the Madame de Stael quote: “In life, one has the choice between boredom and suffering.” In hindsight, those characters probably look back fondly on this brand of minutia.

As for the scene itself, it was fitting to have Garritty be the naive fan boy who wants to believe in the sanctity and innocence of professional athletes. It would have fit better if anyone other than Tommy hinted at Roger Clemens, because lets face it, whether you still like this series or have been turned off by it for some reason, Leary seems to have at least a subconscious fixation with feeding his ego through his writing. Although he’s playing a character, he’s identifiable enough on his own celebrity that when he throws out insanely accurate theories that won’t be revealed for seven years, it is pretty distracting.

Still, outside of the second mini-episode these have felt like a successful venture, even though they’re still a bitch to remember. With six left we’re still undecided if these are worth the time and effort, and that’s with us enjoying them.

Some other news and notes:

Speaking of Rescue Me, Michael J. Fox’s character will not only be Janet’s ex-boyfriend, but also wheelchair bound. We’re almost certain this will not deter Tommy from picking a fight with him.

Has an actress’ physical attractiveness ever been so starkly depreciated by one of her characters personalities? We don’t have the statistics to back this up, but we’re going to say no.

Hey, and speaking of series’ who owe their very existence to David Chase and The Sopranos, someone with the name CCH Pounder claims The Shield finale will be of the anti-Sopranos variety. I would usually interpret this to mean it will be boring, predictable and formulaic, but hey, what do I know? A series finale we’re still debating almost a year later obviously sucked nuts, right? Seriously, I’m glad these people can come out and besmirch something so unique and subtle. It’s a good indicator that I never should bother with The Shield.

Amy Poehler, still happy to ride either her husband’s or Tina Fey’s coattails, whichever is most convenient, will star in the Office spin-off. We have no personal issues with Amy Poehler, unless thinking her you would deem thinking her unfunny personal. Still, we wish her all the best as she will work with some great writers at NBC, I’m sure. But right now, she’s pretty much the female Jimmy Fallon for us.

And finally, Matt Groening has come forward to publicly say what all of us already knew: The Simpsons will be around for as long as FOX will allow it to be. While we appreciate the loyalty from both sides, it’s probably time to move onto something else. Speaking for this website, the next new Simpsons episode we watch will be their series finale.

We’re not sure how pithy we’ll keep it today. It is fairly boring at work so we might just continue scribing nonsense until the phone rings, someone calls our name, we run out of topics or we decide to finally go sexually harass the new girl down the hall. We’ve been procrastinating on that and it’s about time we upheld our image. If she thinks she can just waltz around here and do the job she is paid to do without being denigrated in some way, she has another thing coming.

Kristen Bell, also known as the hot blond in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as Sarah Marshall, will be joining the cast of Heroes this upcoming season. At least if you’re like me and detest this series, you now have incentive to watch. Then again, if you are like me, you’d also rather bungee jump with no cord than watch more than five minutes of something like Heroes, which I thought was canceled for some reason.

Everyone can breath a sigh of relief, because The Simpsons will be make it to a 21st season. And thank God, because if I had to go through life knowing there were only twenty seasons of The Simpsons, I just might have to go find a life worth living, and now I don’t need too. At least not now. But mark my words, I’m going to finish that script one of these days.

Sienna Miller appears to have a proclivity for melodramatic actors on ham-fisted ABC dramas, as she has now been courted successfully by two of the three brothers on Brothers and Sisters. I’m sure it’s just a big coincidence that a woman who could date practically any guy she wanted too fell for two guys who are working together on the same series for the better part of the year. But there are two other theories that might be at play here: 1) She’s dating the new one as some sort of revenge on the first one, or 2) Not that this series in any way resembles an actual family, but she is living out some sort sick, elaborate, incestual fantasy that reminds us Deliverance for some reason, can’t figure out why, though. Anyways, I think theory number two is most likely.

Really, I shouldn’t be so judgmental. Guys usually don’t go for women like this.

If you care about this sort of thing, this guy is predicting that Mad Men will clean up at the Emmy’s. We didn’t read much of the article, but we assume the theory is related to the fact that many of the Emmy voters grew up around the same time the series is set (early 60’s), are extremely liberal and like seeing their mystique of this time period stripped away. Either way, I hope he is right. Although, I wouldn’t be too disappointed if this were another Wire situation with the Emmy’s completely ignoring what is the best series on television. Again.

Also, because we can never have just one Mad Men link, Jon Hamm describes the second season “like swimming a marathon underwater“. Funny, that sounds like something his character might say, only not terribly clever. I’m assuming it means that it is long and at a tepid pace, but were to lazy to think much more about it. Still, a good interview from Mo Ryan.

A little FX news before we tip on out:

Nip Tuck creator Ryan Murphy says the series has three more seasons in it before they will retire it in 2011. Wow, that doesn’t seem like much if you haven’t watched the series at all, but I would actually subtract four and a half from what he plans on doing from here on out. The last season was such a jumbled mess of dead end plotlines, red herrings and soap-opera contrivances that we have a hard time believing that audience plans to come back for a sixth season. Sure, we were never grand appreciators of the series, but the difference between seasons 1 through four and five is virtually unprecedented.

The FOX cable network also purchased some comedy series called Testees, which just by its name is sure to be awful. But on the bright side, in that same link you will see they picked up 39 more episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. We assume that’s on top of this season debuting in a couple months, so we have four more seasons of Sunny to look forward to. That will make any soulless TV fan’s day.

Alright, we’re done for the day, back tomorrow with some links most likely.

There is way too much news from the weekend to bring it all to one post, so we’ll limit it to six or so links as to keep things relatively organized.

It has been speculated ever since his divorce, and is now official. Larry David is bringing back Curb Your Enthusiasm for a seventh season in the first quarter of 2009. We assume the film he was doing with Woody Allen is all wrapped up, hence the announcement. No word yet as to whether or not the Blacks will be part of the cast, but we are kind of assuming — nay, expecting — they will be. This was announced on Friday and we’re still giddy about it, that’s why we’re winners.

This seems like too much sense that we assumed it would never happen.

Elizabeth Moss and January Jones claim to have restarted smoking again as a result of being on Mad Men, which isn’t all that surprising. If you were actually addicted to smoking, a picture of a banana or some gay porn could probably get you back on the wagon, much less being around take after take of people smoking herbal cigarettes while you’re at work. Either way, it’s a small price to pay to be apart of the series. Before this January Jones was best known for being in American Wedding, which was like the sixth installment of the American Pie franchise. A franchise we loathe of the highest order.

David Simon is not making a Wire movie. Saying, “It would be like dragging a flag through the mud.” Well then, that should put all rumors, speculation and ideas to rest. Particularly the ideas, I have to imagine that David Simon shooting down one of your scripts is akin to Michael Jordan telling you to go out for track and field instead of basketball.

Speaking of David Simon — and the fact that we’re still pretty enamored with what we watched last night — Generation Kill was screened at Camp Pendleton prior to its airing, and for anyone questioning its authenticity, you should know that it was widely received by the several hundred marines in attendance. This instills more anticipation than any review we could ever read, because it is coming from the ground floor.

David Simon is just all over the newswire these days, as his new series about Jazz musicians in New Orleans, Treme, will star Wendell Pierce a New Orleans native and Wire alumnus himself. This news, beyond all else, is just fantastic. Are we wrong to hope that he also has a casual, borderline destructive drinking problem?

And finally, more good news, Martin Scorcese is bringing his talents to HBO for a series about the corruption that plagues/plagued Atlantic City. We live by few rules, but if it involves Scorcese, corruption, crime and legalized gambling then we make a point to see whatever it is.

Back with a Weeds review/recap and some more links tomorrow.

Some links to end the work week.

More Mad Men news: Reportedly there are life-size images of Don Draper on a train that runs to and from Times Square and Grand Central Station. First off, anyone who would go out of there way to look at artwork of a TV character on a subway cart should probably get a hobby or some other interest before Darwinism gets the better of you.

Secondly, I’m sure the cart will stay in mint condition. Not because it’s on an NYC subway or anything, everyone knows those are havens of model ethical behavior, but because 1.1 million people watch the show every week. We all know what a deep passion high school kids who tag subway carts have for 1960 atmospherics that 1.1 million people watch every week. Naturally they will know exactly what they’re looking at and treat it with the utmost respect.

It’s so authentic they don’t even allow black people on it.

I think at this point it is safe to say that the $25 million marketing campaign was totally worth it. Because while Mad Men is categorized as a current “it” show (translation: something that everyone in inner-circles talks about but no one outside of those circles watches), at least one reporter seems to find everything and everyone involved with the series devoid of personality. I’m all for cynicism. Fuck, this blog thrives off of it. But this reporter seems like the Jay Mariotti of entertainment critics.

Despite previous reports, the Mad Men five season plan is not set in stone. In other words, if AMC or some other larger network throws enough money at me I’ll totally sell out my as of now masterpiece. Obviously I’m kidding. But thanks anyhow Mathew Weiner, for making me look like a dipshit. I like how a report can come about speculating about the future of a series, then a completely contradicting report can come from a different publication but the same source. It looks like whoever was responsible for the the previous report, basically took their interpretation of it an ran wild, instead of asking clarification from a reasonably vague Weiner. Just how drunk are they getting at this press tour?

If you think I’m being too crass, something similar happened with a reported riff between Evan Wright, David Simon and a dispute over writing credits for Generation Kill. It’s a he said-she said betweem Wright and the writer of course, but is there anything valid coming out of this press tour? The whole thing is like a giant hoax. If I was on either side of this tour , the media or the talent, I’d be half expecting an empty room with a nothing but an inflatable clown doll when I showed up to a Q&A.

Also on the HBO front, because nothing ever ends when it should, Ricky Gervais is now saying that Extras might be in line for a return to the airwaves. Not that we would mind, we think the entire series run totaled maybe sixteen episodes as the British are wont to do. Still, this is like Elway returning to the NFL in that it’s the last retired series we would ever expect to see new episodes of. Seinfeld is due for a comeback before Extras.

See you on Monday with a review/recap of the first installment of Generation Kill.

We’ll go back to our roots and make this post a plethora of links instead of extrapolating on one news item like we’ve been doing recently. Not for any nostalgic reasons, but nothing we could find deserves its own post and we’ll be damned if we’re going to compromise our integrity for the sake of consistency, alright?

Roger Ebert waxes sentimentally about Wit, an old HBO original movie about a woman dying from ovarian cancer starring Emma Thompson. Guy has balls. It must be painfully difficult to write about such subject matter in his situation. We’re still waiting for him to come back to television, because while we like how A.O. Scott has recommended two television seasons as his DVD picks of the week (Wire season four and Mad Men), he can’t hold a candle to Mr. Ebert.

Office webisodes (a much preferred homogenization of words to “minisodes”) are supposed to kick off today, but the newest one has yet to be posted. We’ve never watched these and we’re not sure why. Probably has something to do with the fact that The Office already produces twenty-two episodes a season, a significant chunk of which are an hour long. Oh well, now that we’ve linked to the site, we’ll probably watch all of them in one sitting over some donuts and milk (I’m twelve). Man, writing for this site is so personally rewarding.

You’re not going to believe this, but that mean old fuck who hosts Hell’s Kitchen doesn’t like what I’m assuming he considers intrusive questioning. Wow. He always seems so even-keeled and understanding. I can’t believe he would just curse like that. If this was 1992 and he somehow made it passed the FCC, my parents wouldn’t let me watch his show after this incident.

In a move that has shocked the world, the whore sleeping with the sleazebag former New York State Governor is heading out to Hollywood for a stab at reality television. It’s almost like, a girl with no discernible talent or ambition, who slept with rich and powerful men for large sums of money, actually has a deep-seeded desire to be in the limelight. How immoral. Not the whole prostitution thing, but using your prostitution to garner fame. Having sex with strangers for money is supposed to be one of the more honest trades left in this crazy workaday world, and now there’s all these ulterior motives. It sickens me what we’ve become.

Denise Richard’s neighbors are upset over her new reality series, as it is a huge disruption on the neighborhood. They claim, “This is a gated community, not a zoo”. Umm, you live next to Denise Richards, who used to live with Charlie Sheen. If anything your community has always been a zoo, and they just killed off all the wildcats. Either way, you live in a gated community, and while it might be a hassle and unfair of me to suggest this, but everyone assumes you have the means to move to another gated community.

Asked for further comment, the neighbors said, “If I have to see that heathen or her camera crew one more time on the way to the monocle store, we’ll make sure she never has that moat built around her estate. You can be sure of that.”

In conclusion, no one will ever feel sorry for you when you’re rich and complaining about something innocuous happening inside your ivory tower. I hope your yard workers take an extra twenty minutes next time they are working for pinto beans and burn your house down. Oh, and also? Denise Richards is a fucking twatbag with little to no redeemable value, but it doesn’t make these neighbors any more tolerable.

Entourage is quickly developing the best cast ever from shows that aren’t theirs. First it was Jamie-Lynn Sigler, and now it is Jeffrey Tambor. Looks like Tambor will be playing himself, I didn’t bother to read the article for Sigler, but it would make sense. If so her character on Sopranos will be referenced at hyper-speed.

Alright, I’m starting to tire of the over-saturation of Mad Men, but we feel obligated to inform of any and all news about the series since we are such avid fans. So here goes:

-Mathew Weiner has a five season plan that he doesn’t intend on exceeding. This is generally a good thing, The Wire and The Sopranos both had beginnings and ends in mind when they started out, this is why we put Mad Men in that caliber. Unlike Lost, 24 or even Rescue Me, who both seem to be making it up as they go.

-The second season will premiere on Valentine’s Day in 1962. So, five seasons, each with roughly two years in between seasons, sounds like the final season will take place in 1970 after Woodstock and the tail-end of the hippy-era. I, for one, find that to be a good stopping point.

-According to Weiner, the first season set in 1960 was similar to the year it aired. He warns of more parallelism between 2008 and the second season. He even drops the upcoming presidential election. Which is odd because the Nixon-Kennedy election of 1960, at least in our eyes, is eerily similar to Obama-McCain.

And finally, Peter Bogdonavich — who for whatever reason seems to be a go to voice on all things Sopranos related — wants to make sure no one gets their hopes up or down, and assures us that a Sopranos movie will in all likelihood never happen. We had no idea that it had even been hinted at in the past calendar year, but it’s good to know that something I wasn’t expecting will probably reach my expectations. Whew, that’s a relief.

A few more links to close out the work day, because we sure as shit are still not doing this noise on our free time.

It appears teenage girls are greatly influenced by the machinations and trends of Gossip Girl. Which is just sad. I have three nieces, ages 11, 15 & 18, as far as I can tell they aren’t really influenced by anything other than their own self-preservation. Or maybe not, I don’t really know them all that well. To the best of my knowledge they could all be in their twenties at this point. Anyhow, its probably best not to read too much into this, studies have shown other things that also influence teenage girls are shiny shoe straps and the smiley logo on a box of Lemonheads.

To be fair, who isn’t influenced by this guy. Look at him! He’s even got a bow tie.

Mark Burnett is being sued for $70 million by his former partner. The stipulations of the suit are unclear to me, mostly because I didn’t care enough to read the article. But still, if he is suing for $70 million, supposedly a sum that he can conceivably lose and not be completely destitute, then what does the partner have? I mean, if he co-created these shows with him, surely he has enough money that the lawsuit just seems excessive, right? Maybe that’s what the suit is over, the partner being dirt poor and Burnett having an expendable $70 million. Man, I really should have read the full article.

Michael J. Fox will be making a return to television on Scrubs and Rescue Me. I could have sworn he was already on Scrubs, so I’m assuming it’s a reappearance. As for Rescue Me, he’ll be playing Janet’s ex-boyfriend. We’re not sure from where, since technically Tommy and Janet have been dating since high school. So, middle school, maybe? Man, talk about open wounds. Knowing Rescue Me, I’m sure someone will end up being raped or murdered because Andrea Roth kissed Michael J. Fox when she was twelve.

Whatever, the only reason we put this in here is we saw Teen Wolf on either Bravo or AMC a few days ago, and we wanted to link to the random extra zipping up his pants immediately before the credits began to role. Other than that minor oversight in editing, this is a flawless movie, which has only been validated with time as those involved have gone on to do great things. It’s simple really. Just a quiet high school kid struggling to get through that crazy time in life only to discover that he’s a werewolf. And while it brings him instant popularity and notoriety, he soon realizes that he wants nothing more than to win his high school basketball conference in human form. It could happen to any of us, really.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler is set to appear in three episodes of Entourage’s upcoming season. This isn’t entirely surprising, as HBO seems to have a fraternity of actors to which they rely on and guest star on multiple original programs for the once vaunted cable network. Just off the top of my head I can tell you that Wee-Bey and Herc from The Wire and Big Pussy’s FBI contact in season two have made cameos on Entourage.

So to see Meadow Soprano follow suit isn’t terribly surprising. I mean, she seemed to regress as the series went on and by the time it ended, Robert Iler (whom we’re sure will do well in the future, but probably not in the acting field) had surpassed her in terms of on-screen persona. Seems hard to believe considering how great she was in the third season. Lets just regard this turn of events as of Yankees-Red Sox 2004 ALCS proportions.

She’s either impossible to deal with or professionally inept, because there isn’t any other reason for the lack of work.

I don’t know if she is so closely identified as Meadow that she can’t find any other roles, or private matters or the professional decisions she’s made outside of The Sopranos or if she’s simply inefficient as an actress, but whatever it is, her turn as Heidi Fliess didn’t exactly have casting agents knocking down her door.

This is all very daunting. If you go back to the second season, she seemed like one of the few actors who would actually have a steady, secure acting career post-mob family drama series (Gandolfini, Imperioli and maybe Falco being the others). She was young (still is), attractive (dido) and charismatic enough (could be, but she was on camera for maybe five minutes all last season) that she demanded a lot of screen time. One could actually make the argument that the biggest detriment to her career was her character going to college, because after her freshman year she was seldom seen. From season four on, any and all buzz from the series seemed to shift to the elder characters and Chris.

Never the less, we’re looking forward to seeing her arc as Turtle’s unstable girlfriend, but if it revives her career in any way we’ll be rather shocked. I mean, their are exceptions, it seems to have done wonders for Emmanuelle Chirqui, but very little to boost Mandy Moore’s profile, which was already relatively high and admittedly remains so. Sigler’s pre-Entourage girlfriend falls somewhere in between those two.

Anyhow, best of luck to her, but she’ll always be the X-head who stole and crashed her presumptive boyfriend’s car to us.

Michael Strahan will make a cameo on Chuck, which apparently got renewed and we never were privy to this information, or else we heard about it, maybe even posted about it, but forgot because we don’t give a shit. Anyhow, based on the one episode we’ve watched of this show, I imagine that two things will happen during his cameo: 1) He will physically and/or verbally threaten Chuck’s best friend to hilarious results, because it is always funny when larger guys intimidate their smaller counterparts, and 2) He will make a pass at Chuck’s love interest, thus be a plot point for at least an entire episode.

Surely some pithy comment will be made about this as well.

Anyhow, I’m sure Mr. Strahan doesn’t mind doing these side gigs for a little extra cash, but it still has to stick in his craw that he probably doesn’t have a choice due to that egregious divorce settlement from awhile back. We imagine he brought a lot of the trouble onto himself, but unless he killed her mother there didn’t really seem to be much justification for the verdict that was rendered.

Still, at least when he retires he actually retires. None of this waffling Brett Favre nonsense that is perpetually in the news cycle annoying the bejesus out of me. Make all the cameos you want Michael, but if you could convince your friend to take a knee one more time, all of us outside of Wisconsin who follow this sort of thing would greatly appreciate it.

More later if anything else catches out eye.

It appears we now have two classic television series’ with a good chance of being adapted for the big screen: Arrested Development & Friends. I use the word “classic” to describe both of these shows, so you know just how vague the term actually is. It could really mean anything! Huzzah!

Both should make some decent coin, as Friends has an overwhelmingly sycophantic, predictable audience that will laugh at anything, while Arrested Development carries a very vocal, very pretentious and often times very annoying but loyal fan base. Take me for example, I’m currently wearing a Bluth Frozen Banana t-shirt with a giant sprinting banana on the back. When I wear it in public, people think it’s some sort of allegiance to the gay community. Do I look at them with disdain and an air of superiority because of their blatant homophobia? No. I look at them with disdain and an air of superiority because they’re fucking morons for not watching a TV show I watch.

So yes, I will be there, opening night, scowling at all the patrons in line for the latest Adam Sandler or Julia Roberts vehicle that has an opening weekend concurrent with AD’s. Thing is, I think they only averaged about two million viewers an episode which would tally roughly $20 million box office. I’ve turned about ten people on to AD since its cancellation, if everyone of the two million strong did the same then that number should increase…But yeah, in actuality, they might need to release this in the early spring so it doesn’t get slaughtered.

If the Bluth family were real, this is how they would spend their days.

As for the Friends movie, I can’t even fathom the things I would do to not see this. Luckily this is a free society and to avoid seeing it I just avoid seeing it. But if someone were to put a gun to my head and gave me the ultimatum to either set an animal shelter on fire, see Friends or meet my maker…then I’m afraid some puppies would have to die.

It’s clear the only reason everyone in the cast is on board is in direct response to the cast’s limited post-Friends success. And that, in and of itself, is hardly a reason to shell out $10 for an adaptation of a pretty formulaic TV show that I hardly ever watched in the first place. The movie will probably be hesitantly accepted by its fans, like they know it’s bad but they don’t want to admit it. You ever hear a die hard Sex and The City fan reflect on the movie? And I don’t mean the fembot NYC drones that shape their lives around this show, I mean like real people? It always begins with, “It wasn’t like the TV show…” and then ends with, “…But yeah, yeah, it was fun”, like their conscious won’t allow them to out and out hate the movie. This is verbatim, how I imagine the reaction to the Friends movie being.

If you happen to dislike both of these shows, but are a fan of 24, Lost, Desperate Housewives, CSI or whatever the hell else ABC airs nowadays, then don’t worry, I have a hunch that your favorite characters will get their theatrical release soon enough.

Well, we’re back to our old ways. By which I mean we have nothing to write about, so we’re going to resort to links. The links posts are great in that we are afforded the privilege of making pithy, snide comments about several ongoings in the industry. They’re terrible in that it doesn’t appear anyone reads them. Whatever they are, they’re also a reliable failsafe, which is imperative when you’re posting a grand total of once a day.

How is it that musicians  are the most likely entertainers to bottom out and resort to some sort of reality programming, even when it appears they don’t have to? It appears that Xzibit, best known for Pimp My Ride fame but also released two solid rap albums before whoring himself on gimmicky MTV series. Now the “music” network has their claws in Janet Jackson.  Why is she doing this? Does she not have enough money? Is she paying off some of Michael’s debt? When you start following in the footsteps of Tyra Banks, it’s probably time to kiss the limelight goodbye.

In a move that shocks no one, Showtime has picked up the new Peter Tolan series starring Mathew Perry. It was either them or HBO given the bewildering noteworthy utterance of a certain profanity, and HBO is seems happy continuing their descent off the face of the earth.

It’s difficult to say who has had the better post-Friends career, a showtime series with frowned upon epithets might push Perry over the edge.

When people talk about the growing income disparity between the rich and the poor in this country, they always reference falling wages, outsourcing, etc. And all those things play a contributive role, but what about the Lifetime entertainment chief being married to the creator of the American Office? I’m not one to judge, people are free to earn a living any way they can within the confines of the law, but given that haves tend to marry haves and the have nots are left to each other, maybe that factors in as well.

Newsflash! Supposedly the much hyped Rescue Me “minisodes” are going to be humor-centric. Much to my surprise, you can’t tell a decent dramatic story with character the audience is already familiar with in five minutes. I guess my point is, is this even news? Shouldn’t everyone have just assumed that they would be comedic bits? Even those short Coke films they used to show before movies were generic stabs at comedy. I seriously doubt their going to kill off another one of Tommy Gavin’s kids in a five minute episode.

And finally, I’m going to end up on the Hollywood walk of fame. I don’t have set plans to put my hands in cement, but if you look at the current list of celebrities set to do so, then it stands a better chance than not that I will at some point in my life.

That’s it for today, have a good, most likely sports free weekend.

See, you take a week off from doing links, and there is some actual worthwhile shit to relay. I need to come up with more ideas for arbitrary lists so this isn’t such a rare occurrence.

Peter Tolan, co-creator and writer on the now scorned Rescue Me, is developing a new series with Mathew Perry. In which the Friends alum will utter the seaward, or the “C” word to you non-Arrested Development fans and those who follow and understand English. Apparently we’re supposed to care about the slur, but what’s more shocking to me is that Peter Tolan is developing something without Dennis Leary, and Mathew Perry is still able to find work. It appears being married to Courtney Cox, be it in real life or in fiction, is terrible for your career.

There is talk of a Weeds spinoff in the works with Conrad and presumably Heylia. Normally I would applaud such a decision being that these are/were two of the better actors/characters on the series. But the writers are overwhelmed as it is since they seem to be making it up as they go with the Botwins, so I don’t know if they can handle the workload of writing for two series. And a new writing staff generally doesn’t write for already developed characters all that well (see: Family Guy).

Speaking of which, despite it slagging in quality, Weeds’ fourth season premiere brought Showtime the biggest audience it has ever had. It seems like this is a common theme for series’ on premium networks. That theme being, whenever one of their series’ takes an abnormally long hiatus, the premiere for the following season brings in a huge number (see: Sopranos season four premiere).

Steve Carell promises to be on board with The Office for at least three more seasons. We’re probably at a point now where the series could survive without him, but I am still amazed at his loyalty. This is like if Clooney were still on ER. Also in the link he states that he is fully expecting Amy Ryan to return for the fifth season, which gives the series more star power than any series we can remember.

We think she’s on to his fake serial killer ruse.

Actually, that honor might go to Damages, who is sporting a cast made up of Glenn Close, Ted Danson & now William Hurt. At this point, this series could just as easily be confused with an 80’s movie. Throw in a Michael Douglas or Emilio Estevez for a strong lead and BOOM! That shit would be box office gold twenty-five years ago.

I hate to crush everyone’s hopes, but Lyndsay Lohan is waiting until 2009 to submit her work on Ugly Betty for Emmy consideration. I know, just when you think things are looking on the up and up for her, she’s going to have to miss out on the booze soaked awards show.

US Magazine did a countdown of top reality TV villains. Omarosa led the pack, followed by some guy named Spencer Pratt, Johnny Fairplay and Puck from Real World: San Fransisco rounded out the top four. Um, I remember Omarosa from the first season of Apprentice, and she was a little loopy and a bit accusatory, but beyond that she wasn’t terribly villainous, just comical. Puck, on the other hand, verbally berated a terminally ill AIDS victim pretty much until he was dead and buried. What did Omarosa or “Spencer”– if that is your real name — ever do to top that?

Jason Bateman is now under contract with FOX to create series for them. This is great and all, but isn’t FOX the same network that canceled the critically acclaimed series that he was the lead actor on? Doesn’t this seem like a conflict of interests? He claims to be an “avid consumer of television”. In non-Hollywood speak that generally means you’re a lazy ass, not someone who creates multiple series for a broadcast network. This might not end well.

Finally, given that we have watched Meet The Press every week for the past two or three years, we would be amiss if we didn’t say something about Tim Russert, whose objective and impartial analysis and questioning represented the last bastion of respectable journalism on television. We have no idea who NBC will choose to replace him with, but whoever it is, those shoes he left behind will prove to be too big to fill. His absence will be palpable for years to come.

Links or something similar tomorrow.