Grid Effect

A few more links to close out the week. It’s kind of absurd how top-heavy our TV viewing is: Two series’ on Sunday, one on Monday and one on Tuesday, then nothing Wednesday-Saturday; and that’s likely not going to change anytime soon. I hate the site being so monolithic and then just changing pace for the second half of the week, but we’re not dictating the terms ’round here. Unless something unusual arises, expect this pace on Grid Effect to continue until It’s Always Sunny starts up.

Onto some links…

Here’s Jeremy Piven saying “fuck” on CNN’s web site. Oh no, someone cursed on the interwebs? What’s happened to us?! Anyways, I’d expect a media shitstorm over this if he had been on, say, Larry King or something equally reputable; because he’s Jeremy Piven and everyone hates his guts these days. But not even the most sanctimonious prick can get worked up about someone cursing on a streaming internet video. Please tell me I’m right about this.

Big news coming out of HBO’s media day or whatever it’s called in television. To summarize, Hung, True Blood and Entourage were all renewed (no surprise considering that all three of them are dramatically moving the dial), Treme isn’t going to premiere until August, and a second season of Life and Times of Tim is in production stages but they haven’t decided where to schedule it. The two series’ that are still waiting to hear where they stand: The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency and Flight of The Conchords.

The latter of which is likely to come back for a third season, though I didn’t even realize they were seeking a renewal. Last I heard, –and kind of just assumed because the series ended with Bret and Jemaine doing a “Stomp” like rendition in New Zealand– they were undecided if they wanted to do a third season, since I don’t think they ever regarded themselves as TV people, as evidenced by Bret Mackenzie’s non-satirical band, The Black Seeds. At least I think it isn’t satire.

Heard this in Breaking Bad episode, “4 Days Out”; season two, episode nine. Turns out it goes well with a montage for cooking meth.

For those who actually give a shit (read: the pitiable and disenfranchised), John and Kate return next week, and Kate’s going to don a bikini at some point. Great! Even more reason not to watch. They need to make more of an effort to render this show unwatchable, if just to save us from Satan’s embrace.

Larry David said that the Seinfeld cast members will appear sporadically throughout the upcoming season, scheduled to premiere on September 20th. He said it’s possible that they’ll touch on Michael Richards’…incident at The Laugh Factory from a couple years ago. I don’t really see how they can miss an opportunity like this if Larry is still living with the Blacks. It was almost tailer-made for him to put into a television show.

Here’s a study profiling average usage in cable, and reportedly 22% of us are substituting online viewing for it, either cutting back on costs or canceling it altogether. What a revelation. I never would have thought that when you made the exact same viewing experience available through other mediums at a discounted rate, people would actually take advantage of it.

And finally, it has been reported…I don’t know how many times, but I can’t recall if we ever brought it up or not: you will not see fictional Ray Drecker’s fictional penis anytime soon on Hung. I understand this is a big disappointment or relief for a lot of you, and to both parties I would like to say that you’re the reason I never feel bad when I don’t leave my house all weekend. I guess I should thank you for the excuse.

Have a good weekend, we’ll be back on Monday with the standard recaps.

Just a few quick links to close out the short week at Grid Effect. It’s not like it really matters, we never post anything interesting here half the time anyways. Also, since this is a links post let me get this started in the introductory paragraph: Breaking Bad’s second season is available on Amazon online, I highly recommend it after you watch the first season. It may seem like I’m talking abou this series too often these days, but it’s really just making up for lost time. I don’t think there’s anything you can watch on television that’s more worthy of your time than these DVD’s. Unless you take pleasure in watching So You Think You Can Dance, in which case I can’t help you.

Onto the links…

Lie To Me, which is amazingly still on the air, nabbed Erika Christensen for their…next…season? I don’t care enough to read but that has to be the gist of it. Anyhow, if you don’t know who Erika Christensen is it’s probably because you follow current film and television, and she hasn’t been in anything since the blockbuster Swimfan, which took the world  by storm with its acerbic wit and originality…I’m just kidding, it’s a steaming pile of cliched horseshit that shouldn’t have ever been made in the first place. But she did give a promising turn in Traffic, but that was seven or eight years ago. And now she’s in Lie To Me. I think everything’s gone according to plan.

Brooke Burns has landed a role on the apparently vaunted yet detestable and discouraging Melrose Place, because CUPWNB or whatever the network is going by these days is the epitome of class, and Brooke Burns reflects that reputation. She the star of such shows as North Shore and the host of Dog Eat Dog, I think we can all agree she’s earned this. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to know that this woman will probably make more money in the next calendar year than I will in the next twenty. Really brightens my day. Also landing a role on CW’s remake of a former hit television show? Kelly Carlson. Here she is below doing some of her finer work on Nip Tuck.

I don’t know how many of you watched The Daily Show, and more specifically how many of you watched it on Monday night, but Jon Stewart’s interview with Brian Williams was about the funniest thing I’ve seen on television since The Office went off the air (sorry Weeds, Entourage and every other “dramedy” we may have mentioned along the way). The writer seems to think the conversation was part of some ongoing, unknown riff between the comedian and nightly news host, I think it was just two decent friends (good acquaintances?) breaking balls, or whatever the nomenclature is these days. But I’m just a lowly blogger and Dave Itzkoff writes for the Times. Just go with your gut on this one.

And finally, it looks like AMC is breaking out the big, ineffective guns to boost Mad Men’s third season, much like they did for the second which scored them such paltry ratings that AMC couldn’t find it in their heart to throw the bank at Matthew Weiner. Which is unusual since this is the best and most critically acclaimed series on television. I can sort of understand this, fans of Mad Men can be pretty insufferable. If half the people I know who watch Mad Men had recommended it to me before I bothered to watch it on my own, I’d probably steer clear of it as well, since 90% of the time the first thing they talk about is either style/set design. Both are the best you’ll find in film or television, but a series it does not make. Honestly, give it a rest, average Mad Men fan. I get it, the style is almost impeccably reflective of the era, but it’s a hat/living room/Sunday dress. Nothing more, nothing less. I can find one online and buy it for you, if you promise to shut the hell up about it.

Alright, back on Monday with the current standard recapping schedule.

A couple follow-up notes to my hurried yet entirely too long Emmys post yesterday before we get to some fairly paltry links. First, it didn’t really shock us, but I find it hard to believe that any group of people could sit down, watch something like Friday Night Lights and follow it up with something like, say…Burn Notice, or Saving Grace, and tell you honestly that the latter two were better than the former. I just can’t comprehend it. Secondly, Family Guy? Why have seven nominations if we’re delving into this territory. Its not going to win. Is it? No, it has to go to 30 Rock because of all the writing nominations.

On the heels of the news they’re releasing their first animated series, FX announces plans to develop a sitcom revolving around a fantasy football league. We’re obviously going to watch this given our proclivity for fantasy football, and our opinion of it going in would be considerably diminished if it was on any other network (save for AMC and HBO); but still: a comedy about a fantasy football league? Did I come up with this when I was 20? Either way, it looks like they’re coupling it It’s Always Sunny, so if it takes on the same crass tone we have higher hopes. But it sounds kind of hackneyed, like something we’d see on ESPN following Playmakers. Guess ESPN films was slow to the draw on this one.

Kristen Bell has asked to make a cameo on Gossip Girl. I think of all the shows and actors and actresses I don’t care about, I probably talk about Kristen Bell the most. But this is particularly unique because I don’t think I’ve ever posted about Gossip Girl or anything related to the CW or  or UPN or WB or whatever that network is called these days. Such is the power of the opportunity to hunt for Kristen Bell photos/youtube videos. What?

The ESPY’s were taped last night, and I’m not sure if this is something that anyone has ever cared about but it does seemed to have increased in noteriety. That fact, to me, epitomizes to me what’s wrong with celebrity obsession and entertainment these days. The American public, by and large used to scoff at these types of events (Emmys and Oscars always have and always will draw a crowd), but now they make headlines and people pay attention to the red carpet non-antics of the  fucking ESPY’s!

Here’s an article out of Vanity Fair asking if Americans are stupid enough to elect reality TV stars. I’m going to say that in 99% of cases, being on a reality TV de-qualifies you from ever running for office. But at the same time, there isn’t anything inherent about reality television that makes it this the case, it’s what networks do with it. The article makes the mistake of conflating Randall Pinkett, some guy who won The Apprentice, with every reality star gracing our airwaves. I think there’s a far cry from Pinkett –who’s a Rhodes Scholar and has a rap sheet of professional experience– and the fifth place finisher on I Love New York or New York herself (I can’t begin to tell you how frightened I am to know “New York” is some skank’s handle and not a reference to the city or state). Not that The Apprentice is a noble endeavor, but it used to require that participants had real world practice, whereas your standard cable reality show seeks people who have as little as possible.

And finally, I haven’t touched on the Jon & Kate saga too much, because it’s so remarkably uninteresting (romantic partners squabbling! What a unique concept!), but this article speculates on whether or not Jon’s new girlfriend is using him for his fame. Whoa, whoa, whoa; hold on, you’re telling me that everything every woman does isn’t completely wholesome and absent of malice, and that includes women who surround themselves with reality TV stars? My world is sufficiently rocked. You take it back Us Magazine! You take it the fuck back!

Probably some more links later in the day.

No television to recap and that’s kind of a good thing. For how irregularly we post on this site yesterday was a fucking marathon. Here are a few links, because we have nothing else to write about. Sorry, we didn’t watch Rescue Me last night, I was too busy losing another basketball game. We only lost by fourteen this time, that’s a considerable improvement over the 98-54 drubbing from the week before. Seriously, we’re like the fucking Bad News Bears out there. That’s probably why I’m mailing it in today, I’m fucking depressed that a fourteen point loss is a good news.

For all you hopeless romantics out there, I have some bad news: David Alan Grier is getting divorced. I would make a “if these kids can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us” joke, but honestly,  if the star of Little Man can’t hold a marriage together, we might as well all just give up. What a tragic day this was when it broke last Thursday. I almost feel like I knew about it at the time.

Some endeavors weren't as successful as others.

Well, if nothing else, HBO’s upcoming Jack Kevorkian biopic is going to have as strong of a cast as any HBO original in ever made: first Al Pacino and now Susan Sarandon and John Goodman. Sarandon’s a good actress but her and her non-husbands reactionary politics drive me fucking crazy. Goodman, on the other hand, is probably one of my favorite character actors around. Ever since Dan Connor and Walter Sobchak he gets a pass for life. And if you don’t know who those characters are, then we can’t be friends.

Richard Hatch’s request to be let out of prison in time for another Survivor reunion has been denied. How long was his sentence? Is this starting to seem excessive to anyone else? For the time he got he might as well have tried to rob a bank. Maybe since I never saw what a prick he was in the two season’s he’s already competed in I want to see him out of prison. It seems like anyone would since it’s, you know, a game show. But some people apparently become incensed by these things.

Take a good look, because it's the last time she'll be on this site for awhile.

It’s amazing and refreshing to see how open Friday Night Lights is with their “spoilers”. Here you can read descriptions and motives of four new characters for the upcoming fourth season that wasn’t supposed to ever take place. To be honest, I hate how these descriptions read, but I generally hate reading anything sincere, so don’t listen to my interpretation of it. I’m embarrassed enough that I enjoy watching the show.

Reason number 523,476 I can’t stand what American television is slowly devolving into: tourists in LA are going in droves to reality television locales. I don’t care if it’s because they’re with kids who want to see where The Hills stars hang out or if they know people on any of these shows or if they’re drooling morons, I can’t think of a single solitary reason to regard anything described in that article as being an attraction to someone on vacation. For fuck’s sake, hit up Hermosa beach or go to a sporting event or any of the plethora of options there are for someone visiting LA.

FX picked up prime time animated series Archer, which is basically satire on the world a James Bond inhabits (trailer here). FX continues to be the best basic cable network for original programming in terms of quality, availability and options. AMC’s series’ are better, but with only two of them in rotation it’s hard not to give the nod to FX.

And finally, despite what I may think about True Blood and the Entourage season premiere, it looks like HBO is back on top of the original programming world (note: it isn’t basic cable), at least in terms of ratings. I’m not sure if its quite surpassed Showtime in quality (we still like Weeds and as stated ad nauseum before, Dexter is incredibly flawed but has some great energy and uniqueness), , I think we might have to wait until Curb returns and Treme premieres, but at least they’re in the conversation.

Back tomorrow, probably with more links.

Absolutely nothing on television tonight. If I had to recommend anything it would be the Real World, and that’s only for nostalgic reasons and scenery. I don’t even need to look at these network schedules to tell you there isn’t anything good on, because their hasn’t been anything good on Wednesday nights since after the fifth time they moved Friday Night Lights. So with that ringing endorsement, let’s see what the lesser of these evils contains.

NBC

8PM: America’s Got Talent

Two hours of this dreck tonight thanks to all the tribute shows yesterday. Thanks, Michael Jackson. Since I’m not much of a music fan, this will be his legacy to me. I’m glad I don’t watch this show, because everyone from the 8 year-old singer to the guy spinning plates will be doing an MJ tribute. As if the show wasn’t repetitive enough, now everyone’s going to be emulating the same person.

"Better open this doa' before I huff-n-puff"

10PM: The Philanthropist

A series about a billionaire playboy who’s haunted by an African flood and resorts all his money and power into charitable efforts. It’s fictional of course, and looks like something I wouldn’t watch if my life depended on it. But it has a couple heavy hitters (for a television series) in its cast with Neve Campbell (the plunge has been incredible) and Michael K. Williams (the guy who played Omar Little, and I can’t believe he isn’t regularly getting film offers). Eh, probably the best you could hope for in a summer series.

ABC

8PM: Wipeout

Watch people run an obstacle course that, as far as I can tell from the promos during NBA playoff games, is damn near impossible to complete (it reminds me of that Wayne’s World scene where the arcade guru confides to Wayne and Garth that their is no next level in some game). It’s ABC’s incarnation of a Japanese game show.

9PM: I Survived a Japanese Game Show

Well, if the title Wipeout didn’t give you a clear idea of what ABC was trying to do, this should probably seal the deal. Now instead of watching people fall off of unstable, elevated platforms into a lake or whatever, now you can watch them slip on things and try to knock each other off balance beams. I’m only watching if people are forced to compete against robots.

10PM: Primetime

I have no idea what tonight’s episode is going to be about. I glanced at their home page and there’s a picture of a now deceased college girl on it, so that would be my guess. But there’s no indication if that is what the episode is going to be about or if that’s just a news headline they chose as a follow up to a previous episode. I have just one question: for all the investigative journalism these series’ seem to do, have they ever cracked a case?

FOX

8PM: So You Think You Can Dance

I was only about twelve years old when Kurt Cobain died, but I think his suicide ushered in this new wave of fascination with dance that was irrevocable. I remember New Kids On The Block sort of fading away, and that seemed like the end of it. Then Cobain blew his brains out and two years later we were inundated with Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys, and the rest is history. Now it’s spiraling out of control, we have reality dance shows, professional dance shows, every R&B and pop singer has a dance sequence in everyone of their videos. Honestly, if the trade off to getting rid of this part of the American lexicon is women start wearing baggy clothes that are five sizes too big again, I will take it in a fucking heartbeat.

CBS

8PM: The New Adventures of Old Christine

It’s amazing what an undeserved Emmy for a lead actor/actress can do for the longevity of a sitcom. I just hope Julia Louise-Dreyfus realizes that Seinfeld is still making her career.

8:30PM: Gary Unmarried

Are they still making new episodes of this? Or are they just rerunning old episodes to fill their primetime schedule so they don’t have to pay for something new? I heard Jay Mohr filling in for Jim Rome’s show last week and it was like watching a Giraffe try to run up a tree. It was such a painfully unfunny and awkward and defensive five minutes that I actually thought about going to church. I’m still not entirely convinced it wasn’t a nightmare that I’m still trapped in.

9PM: Criminal Minds

Speaking of cancellations, was it this or Without A Trace that was canceled? I keep forgetting since they’re one in the same, united in undeserved Nielsen’s yet still floating in obscurity. I’m guessing CM survived cancellation since they’re replaying it, but it really doesn’t matter.

10PM: CSI: NY

I hope everyone realizes that this franchise isn’t going anywhere. They’re going to continue making more and more versions of it until it demands its own cable network. Is there anyone who watches all three? Like, do you get something out of the Vegas episodes that you don’t out of the New York episodes? Do they ever intertwine? Or does anything unique ever happen on any of them? Again, I guess since I’m going to continue to not watch them, it doesn’t really matter.

There it is. I’d like to lie to you and tell you that Wednesday night is just as bad as Friday or Saturday for television, but it would be too transparent that its not worth my time. Go rent the first season of Breaking Bad if you absolutely have to sit in front of your television tonight.

So finally, we’re going to knock these nightly previews out of the way since we’re knee deep into summer lineups and there’s a shortage of “events”. Of course, it’s reported that there’s going to be wall-to-wall coverage of Michael Jackson tomorrow, so we’ll see how that interferes. We might push Tuesday’s preview back to next week. In the meantime, let’s see what’s being offered on Mondays.

Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, Hung took the week off for the fourth. Makes you wonder why they premiered it at the end of June, but whatever. HBO doesn’t need to worry about issues like this when they’re programming is so good.

Onto the steaming pile of dog shit that is Monday night programming.

NBC

8PM: Law & Order

NBC would you please make a concerted effort to put something original on your airwaves in the off-season. Just throw together some poorly contrived reality series, just make it an amalgamation of three other poorly contrived reality series, and hope it turns into a “hit”. Even I’d advocate that over trotting out the same prime time lineup over and over again. We already have one CBS.

9PM: Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Does this feature the pre-cogs from Minority Report? Because that’s the only way you’re going to convince me I should watch a replay of the same show back-to-back.

10PM: Dateline NBC

Does anyone know why they put the “NBC” at the end of this title? Doesn’t it seem a bit redundant? It’s on NBC, it’s obvious who’s responsible for its existence, no need to rub it in our faces. Though I can understand wanting to celebrate being the foremost leader among the broadcast networks in busting potential sex offenders. It’s good to lead the networks in something, I guess.

ABC

You'd be wise to turn down the rose.

8PM: The Bachelorette

You see NBC? This is how it’s fucking done. Appeal to our cheapest sensibilities at a fraction of the cost it takes to appeal to our sophisticated sensibilities, and watch the commoners flood your network with viewership and increase your advertising revenue. Really, it’s quite fucking simple. Now if you can get Bill O’Reilly to stop talking about you like you’re the devil incarnate and getting drawing everyone’s ire, you’d be all set. This is two hours long, by the way. Anticipate prolonged dramatic pauses before those roses are dolled out.

10PM: Here Comes The Newlyweds

People interact with other people and feign romantic interest to be on television. Call me crazy, but I think this is going to reinvent the genre.

FOX

8PM: House

What would a night of television be without a doctor scoffing at every medical procedure and ethic code known to man? Hugh Laurie does seem like a talented actor, is he going to drop this bullshit sometime soon to pursue an ill-fated movie career?

9PM: Lie To Me

Looks like FOX is pulling an NBC. I suppose the difference would be that FOX can afford to not attract any new viewers.

CBS

8PM: How I Met Your Mother

If you actually give a shit about something as frivolous as Emmy hosts, here’s your chance to meet this years. You better take advantage, CBS is only going replay this show once a week, and since there’s no device or software you can purchase to increase your availability to your favorite television shows, I suggest you tune in.

8:30PM: Rules of Engagement

Also dubbed, “David Spade has managed to stay on a long term series that isn’t a variety show”.

9PM: Two and A Half Men

I like how this show didn’t even try with the title, the intro, the writing or the casting, and they’ve managed to be the number one sitcom on television ever since Friends went off the air. I think this is a good message to send to all the kids out there: To be immensely successful and stay gainfully employed, never strive to exceed anyone’s expectations and it will alllll work out.

9:30PM: Big Bang Theory

This series has managed to gain some critical notoriety and even a couple of friends had the balls to recommend it to men, so maybe I should bother giving it a second try from my review of the pilot.

10PM: CSI: Miami

Follow up your comedy block with a cheap excuse to load an hour with half-naked women. I was watching Dexter last night out of a lack of options, in the episode a woman turns up dead (imagine that) and while over-viewing the crime scene, one of the investigators said she “was a valedictorian, on her way to Harvard Business School”… and of course she was a hot blond. The series is also set in Miami, and felt like it was stolen verbatim from this version of CSI, where even the corpses have to be attractive women so we feel bad about the death. Maybe the Dexter creators were just striving for some gritty realism that they’re always praised for, we all know hot blonds regularly wind up as valedictorians. It’s just like real life, man. Coincidentally, hot blonds also tend to occupy all non-speaking roles in television that relies on cheap thrills. Life’s funny like that sometimes.

Probably it for today, we might try to post our Rescue Me recap a day early but don’t hold us to it. Also, when we finish the third season we might do a post summarizing everything we don’t like about Dexter.

Just a few words before we get into the links. It is long overdue but we started watching the first season of Breaking Bad this past weekend, and I have to tell you, it’s every bit as good as advertised, if not better. Just like Hung and Weeds, Breaking Bad is about a middle (or in Nancy’s case, upper-middle) class parent forced into circumventing the state and breaking what some might call overly-litigious laws.

In the case of Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston), his background in chemistry and recent terminal cancer diagnosis have led him to the point that the only way he can make enough money to provide for his family for after he’s gone, is to produce and distribute crystal meth. He’s probably correct, but after the first few episodes I’ve seen (3), he definitely regrets the decision.

I don’t want to get into a dissertation about this show, but from what we’ve seen of this, Hung and Weeds, Breaking Bad is the best amongst them. It combines dark comedy and drama even better than Hung and manages to produce more laughs per minute than Weeds, which is the most comedy-centric of the three, or at least it strives to be. In short, we highly recommend renting or netflix-ing or purchasing the first season and DVR’ing the second when AMC replays it, if it suits you like it suits me.

Onto some links…

Since it is now fashionable to mock Entourage ever since that College Humor video (or really since the series premiered five years ago), here’s yet another comedy troop taking some pot shots at the HBO series. I don’t have any audio so I can’t really watch it, but I’m sure it’s hilarious. It’s so subversive to ridicule a series that no one seems to like.

AMC has put together three new promos for season three. And when they say “promos for season three” they actually mean “montages of seasons one and two”. I would say this was disappointing, but I still watched and enjoyed them. All of them except for the romance promo, which couldn’t have tried to turn the series into a tabloid headline any more than it did.

For all those who might care — and I know there’s a lot of you — Lost has added a new episode for their final season, bringing the grand total to eighteen. See, this is why I don’t think that series is structured nearly as tightly as all the fans and producers lead me to believe. I mean, I could just watch an episode on occasion and deduct that much, but when you’re actively adding new episodes before production of the final season, you can’t really claim David Simon levels of planning.

If I get drunk I might end up recording an episode...

Drea De Matteo, whom you may remember as Adriana La Cerva on The Sopranos, is joining the cast of Desperate Housewives. At least now fans have one justification for watching that show, assuming they’re attracted to women, that is. Otherwise I have no explanation for you. You’re making a trash prime time soap opera into a series that some manage to regard as not only commercially but also critically successful. So yeah, feel free to stop watching anytime now.

We suggested as much in our review of the pilot and last week in a links post, but it’s now official, between True Blood and Hung, HBO is experiencing a long overdue resurgence. By my estimation, these are the first two new series’ they’ve created since 2004 that has garnered any commercial appeal (sex and vampires will do that), but when you have names like Alexander Payne, Alan Ball, Dmitry Limpkin and Jane Adams attached to them you’re going to be on the receiving end of some critical praise as well. It’s not The Wire, Sopranos, Deadwood and Curb in its prime, but it’s enough to rival AMC as best original programming (and will surpass it come this fall).

FX has released their premiere dates, and the one we’re preoccupied with, obviously, is It’s Always Sunny, which is returning on September 17th. That’s three days short of a full ten months on hiatus after the fourth season finale, so we can either expect to see the best season yet (because it’s been carefully crafted) or the worst season yet (because they are running thin on ideas and had to settle on this final product). I can’t wait to have comedic sociopaths back on my television, it makes the week seem so much more tolerable.

In other FX news, Denis Leary is resisting the urge to create a Rescue Me movie. Upon hearing this my first reaction was, who the fuck wants to see that? My second reaction was, cling to that urge, Denis. I will say this, however, last nights episode was a drastic improvement over the week before.

I don’t buy this shit for a minute, but it is rumored that Simon Cowell could earn up to $144 million for next year’s American Idol season. Because you can’t just get anyone to criticize a bunch high school wannabes, you have to get one of those people who do the “I Love The ___” shows on VH1. Or you can pay Cowell nine figures. I can see the logic. I mean, I guess he brings in viewers, but I’m still stunned as to how. Just have Triumph come in and the guy will probably do it for about a 100th of that, and people will still watch, and whatever money you might lose from advertisers would be gained in not paying some blowhard $143 million more than he’s worth.

Kind of a somber week in television with the passing of Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Michael Jackson. If you’re wondering what either of them have to do with television you’re probably under the age of 25. To which I respond” Google it, you unworldly fuck. But instead of going into some lengthy retrospective that I am bound to say something wildly inappropriate in, I’ll just offer my condolences and move along with some links.

Weeds has a new female Mexican character that is going to intervene in Esteban and Nancy’s tryst. Sounds great, I feel like that show can do no wrong at the moment. Also, if this new character isn’t at least loosely based on Griselda Blanco, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

Wow, what an actress.

Johnny Depp and Megan Fox were both on Letterman last night. As per usual around here, I’ll show a picture of the latter and talk about the former, because I didn’t know it was possible to come off as humble when talking about an island in the Bahamas and a boat that could cross the Atlantic, both of which you own, but he did just that. Fox came across as comfortable in her own skin but, and you’re not going to believe this, she was remarkably self-absorbed. Surprising, isn’t it?

Janet Hubert, better known as Aunt Vivyan from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, has upped the gutter language in her counter-strike against Will Smith, whom she alleges professionally abused her in the early 90’s and “hid behind NBC’s panties”. Obviously this is an attempt to sully his good name and expose him for the scoundrel he clearly is. And maybe she’s being honest, I don’t know. But what I do know is, all of this shit happened well over a decade ago (too lazy to actually look up her last appearance on the show), and she’s probably in some financial trouble (who isn’t? Oh, that’s right, Will Smith). You can probably do the math on this one, and it’s the same reason anyone would be skeptical.

By his own admission, Letterman is afraid to tell a Sarah Palin joke. This wasn’t supposed to be political but since it so clearly is, I like the selectiveness of everyone’s political correctness. Republicans get mad if you crack jokes about evangelicals and democrats get made if you crack jokes about minorities and women. Then both sides somehow manage to complain about political correctness run amok when they’re called out for their (sometimes legitimate, sometimes not) bigotry. I guess me assessment would be: It’s the circle of life, Simba. We need these distractions and for no one to ever call attention to the rampant, sweeping idiocy of it all.

CBS announced their fall premiere dates, so if you can’t wait for some sensationalized crime drama, now you know how long before you can watch new episodes that follow the identical format of the last 800 you’ve watched.

NBC has also announced their fall premiere dates, and while their programming is considerably more diverse than CBS’, it pulls in about a third of the ratings (completely rough estimate). I don’t know why this is, but I do know that everyone I surround myself with watches NBC far more than they watch CBS, so from this pointless little anecdotal nugget, I conclude — once again — that Nielsen’s are utter bullshit.

To say True Blood is growing in popularity is like saying Michael Jackson is has a loyal fan base. They’ve already moved 1,000,000 DVD’s of the first season, and selling that many of the first season means significantly increased viewership of the second, and that forces everyone to buy/rent those DVD’s or purchase HBO. I can’t believe we’re going to look back on this and say that True Blood was the show that pulled HBO out from the gutter, because I just don’t get it.

Because we can’t go by without at least throwing something, someone’s way, here’s a great article about how Michael Jackson basically made MTV a brand. Not what it is today, someone well after Jackson’s prime turned MTV what it is. To honor his memory they did show a marathon of his videos, but they quickly jumped back into their non-stop barrage of reality programming. Way to know your audience, MTV. No, I’m serious, way to know your audience.

And finally, the NY Times wrote an entire article about HBO is hoping their new series Hung, about a down on his luck school teacher who starts turning female tricks for money, becomes a hit. They could probably write the same article for every show that has or will premiere at any point in the future, so I’m not sure what the point is. I will say this, however, that based on the strength of this review, I’d fully expect a recap from us on Monday.

That’s it until Monday, I imagine. Back with recaps and potentially nightly previews next week.

We’ll get to the links a little later, but I have to dedicate a few words to what I saw last night on The Real World: Cancun premiere, because it’s remarkable how little this show has changed. If you were in your 70’s or under 15 and have never seen the series before, it might have been life-altering. Otherwise it was just more youth-filler for the once proud cable network. Not that it was particularly offensive or that the people this year were any less impressive than those that came before; in fact the lot of them seemed genuinely excited to be there, which is more than I can say for the Hollywood season. God, what a wretched group of people they were.

But it was just (how can I explain this eloquently)…dull. There are four men and four women, following the theme from the Brooklyn season with an even gender head count. All the men are sporting moderate muscle definition to accompany their dullard personalities, and all the women are impossibly attractive and completely and utterly vapid. Basically, it’s like every other Real World season of the past ten years or so (with the exception of Brooklyn, and that was such a ham-fisted effort that it was just as uninteresting).

You can probably guess what happened so I’m just going to give you the short-handed version of it: the cast-mates met each other, got confirmation on everyone’s sexual orientation, marveled at their new surroundings, showed off their pierced ring fingers, got drunk, vomited, passed out, one roommate banged some random girl at a club (because she has tattoos!) and another made out with her mom, a guy dumped his girlfriend and got his hair braided. In even shorter-hand, it was basically the exact same Real World premiere that you would have seen for the past twelve seasons or so. The end.

We will say this: this season’s cast could have had such a positive reaction because it was impossible to feign casualness. This is, by far and away, the best setting for any reality show, much less a Real World season. I mean, if you were given the option to live in a high rise hotel suite with an ocean front view in Cancun, or a broken down, mice infested loft in Brooklyn, which are you going to opt for? Outside of some die hard Brooklynites or New Yorkers, I have to imagine this vote is pretty monolithic.

We probably won’t watch another episode, because it’s going to be repetitive as all hell, but it was nice to know what direction they’re planning on taking the series after the attempt to cast “real people” for the 21st season. With any luck, MTV will realize just how much cheaper the production costs are for some random dating show and cease bastardizing this once respectable franchise.

Links much later today.

UPDATE: Fuck the links, we’re going to do a running diary of the NBA Draft tonight. We’ll be back around 7:30-ish EST. This might sound atypical, and it is. But it isn’t unprecedented.

So we did something we thought we’d never do again: we watched prime time programming on ABC. And no, we should have watched Better Off Ted but we had a late league game and didn’t care enough to record it. What we watched was The Superstars, and my oh my was it a regrettable decision. First off, the product itself is terrible. They don’t show much other than people jogging or biking or kayaking. It’s like watching American Gladiators with celebrities. But when you make a point to have B-list celebrities and A-List athletes, people don’t really give a shit about watching them run an obstacle course. Your audience is tuning in to watch them interact maliciously with each other.

Isn’t that the entire drawing point these days with reality? It started with the Osbournes, then from there we went to The Surreal Life, and now reality television manufactures its own “stars” and gives them reality series’ (I Love New York). We don’t want to see them joust, god damn it, we want to see them argue over toothpaste or prospective love interests.

Also, and outside of his ridiculous stance on the BCS (read: He supports it), I’m a big John Saunders fan. But good lord was his commentary insipid. “And Dan Cortese is on his team’s bike and catching up with Jeff Kent, who’s running, trying to hold onto his lead. And now Dan Cortese is neck and neck with Jeff Kent…and Dan Cortese on his bike is passing Jeff Kent who’s on foot. This is unbelievable!” I guess since this is basically a really, really slow horse race, their isn’t much too fill the minutes with. But man, try to inject some humor into it, or something.

Thanks, Joanna. For your contributions to this site.

The only people who brought any character to the telecast, Terrell Owens and Joanna Krupa (pictured here and to the left), were naturally the first people sent home. And when I say character, I don’t necessarily mean the desired kind. I mean the “reality” show kind. The type of character they bring is melodramatic and combative, it’s the in vogue form of entertainment these days. And everyone who watches it says they do to “laugh at how stupid everyone is” or something to that extent, but the truth is they actually find shit like two people arguing over nothing to be compelling. The entire facade of claiming to watch it for the laugh-worthy train wreck is embarrassing. The bright side is it looks like a 13 year-old boy was in charge of casting, so there’s plenty of eye-candy, as evidenced above.

Anyways, and I promise you this is the last time we ever write about The Superstars, Joanna Krupa made Terrell Owens look like the mature one, which is no small feat. You could tell she was displeased with Owens after the kayaking challenge, but her temper-tantrums after the qualifying and elimination round were something to behold. She’s basically the pinnacle for any stereotype that’s part of the American lexicon for attractive women (models in particular). I mean, how is it possible to get so worked up over running some obstacle course or kayaking down a lazy river on an island that is literally called Paradise? Owens had a minor blow-up after losing the kayaking challenge, but it wore off and he was attempting to be supportive of Krupa, something I don’t think we’ve ever seen him do on a football field.

Anyhow, if you’re not recovering from a stroke and weren’t born with any mental defects, I don’t know how you watch this show without multi-tasking. For example, I was writing for this post and listening to Simmons’ latest podcast, and still felt like The Superstars was the TV equivalent of paint drying. If you have some sort of affinity for one of the athletes or “celebrities” competing on this show, then by all means have yourself a ball. Otherwise, I recommend you go out or watch something else or stare at your kitchen wall and do absolutely nothing in favor of watching this dross.

Trying to set up some links for later.

One last links post to close out the week. As you can tell, we never got around to watching the most recent Weeds episode, a problem we hope to remedy by weekends end. Not much else going on, so we’ll forego any further preambles.

I can’t recall a better time to be associated with Oprah Winfrey than now: She’s taking her entire staff on a cruise that covers Spain, Italy, Turkey, Greece and Malta. Seems a little excessive, but I can’t imagine anyone is complaining. Other than people like me, who would commit unpseakable acts for such an opportunity. In case you were worrying, don’t, she’ll be back to indoctrinating upper-middle class women in no time.

Other than the first image to pop up on a google image search for "Maxim", I have no idea who this is.

The cable network E! and the ladmag Maxim are teaming up to shallow-ize the populace, the likes of which we’ve never seen. They’re scheduled to do a couple specials together, and I have no idea what that entails. But if I had to guess, I’m pretty sure the extent of it will be women from AXE Body Spray commercials putting on masks of tabloid stars and wrestling in jello, then having the lead singer from Whitesnake determine who the winner was.

Here’s the trailer for an Arrested Development documentary, a documentary I wasn’t aware was in existence until just now. This probably costs me hipster points, but I livev in Ohio so it’s much easier too come to terms with that fact. Anyway, hopefully this is a precursor to a movie, something that is starting to feel more and more overdue. Is Sit Down, Shut Up still on the air? Can someone look into this?

Here’s another trailer for an upcoming HBO series called Bored To Death, a series I wasn’t even aware was coming. Naturally, it doesn’t come out until September, but this is the first look at it and stars Zach Galifinikas (among others), so it warrants the three month advance notice. If you need a synopsis, I think the anti-Entourage should suffice.

And finally, the TV Academy “honored” television’s most beloved dad’s Of All Time. Probably because Father’s day is Sunday, but it still doesn’t make much sense. I’d actually rather see the opposite: Ten most hated TV dads. Who would we put on that: Tony Soprano, Jimmy McNulty, Tommy Gavin, Roger Sterling, Randy Marsh, Doug Wilson, Riggins’ dad…I’m sure there are a couple others that are eluding me right now, but that’s some prime suckage in child-rearing right there.

Alright, we’re wrapping it up for the week. This is, without a doubt, one of the five more mundane weeks we’ve had on this site. It would be stealing the top spot if we didn’t stumble onto the Weeds season premiere last weekend. In short, we’re exceptionally thankful it’s over.

A little upswing in television news lately, unfortunately about 80% of it revolves around late night talk shows. We’re just going to skip all of that and try to bring you the interesting part of the remaining 20%, which leaves us with about 5% of the news items available.

As you have probably heard by now, Mad Men has an official premiere date for the third season. I’ll just go ahead and kill the suspense: it’s August 16th. We’re still over two months away but it feels oh so close. This is how desperate we are for good news in television, a show that we knew would be released in August makes headlines when which day in August it will be on air. And there were really only five days too choose from since we knew it would be a Sunday. Whatever, the general mundaneness of this news isn’t going to kill my buzz over hearing it.

As if I needed another reason to feel giddy this morning: Michael K Williams has signed on for a part in Martin Scorsese’s Boardwalk Empire, which will air on HBO once they pick up the pilot. If you don’t know who Michael K. Williams is, you might know him better as Omar Little. And if you don’t know who Omar Little is, then I’m taking my ball and going home, because I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

You may have noticed that we’ve been intentionally avoiding all the David Carradine, part of that has been out of respect for the actor and his family, but mostly because the somewhat abnormal circumstances surrounding the case have led pretty much everyone to believe that there are some sordid details that won’t come out for awhile, if ever. Well, the leaking of new information continues, so we’ll just stand guard for now.

A producer for Lost has come out and said they’ll have a “real” finale, “unlike The Sopranos”. You may remember when a producer for The Shield did the same thing, and maybe it’s just me but I find myself wondering where these guys find the balls to do shit like this. Do they not understand? If it wasn’t for The Sopranos none of you fucks would even have a show to worry about a finale. It started the whole “TV as cult following” movement and dragged a dying medium (scripted televised dramas) out from the gutter. To his credit he did say that The Sopranos was “brilliant”, but it seems a tad disingenuous when you follow that up with, “(Lost) is going to have a real ending”.

Here’s a list of television’s twenty least feminist characters. There isn’t really thing to argue here, but I will say that feminist have some lofty demands of who their pop-culture icons should be. That’s probably why there’s so few of them. That, and no one really identifies as a feminist anymore, even if they adhere to feminist principals. I think it’s time for a re-branding.

The end of Summer cannot come soon enough.

Here’s Danny DeVito drunkenly forcing — intentionally or otherwise — one of the more awkward interviews you’ll ever see on local television. You could dump five gallons of Nickelodeon ooze on these two and it really wouldn’t seem that out of place. Between this and Pat Tomasulo from WGN trash-talking to a four year-old in a take of one-on-one basketball, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to start watching more local news. My favorite part from either of these is when Tomasulo says, “don’t bring that in here, Tyler“, just so the kid knows exactly how much the guy from the TV hates his guts.

OK, a couple late night items: I know I’ve been giving Stephen Colbert the business as of late (and I’m sure its gotten back to him and just devastated his week), but his shows from Iraq have been as genuinely funny and enjoyable as anything he’s ever done on his show. He’s also giving a voice to the military, something so many people that have been in a similar position have failed to do. Also,  The segments at Fort Jackson have been especially entertaining.

And finally, everyone is rushing to call the move of Conan to 11:30 a mistake since Letterman beat him in the ratings this week. I’d tell everyone to relax, since I don’t think Letterman will be able to book guests with the same clout as Howard Stern and Julia Roberts every week, nor will he always inadvertently crack pedophilia jokes at the expense of a conservative politician’s daughter. Or maybe he will if it means improved ratings, I don’t know. Considering he is basically the only entity at CBS that has been losing to his contemporary at NBC, staying on top might result in an extreme course of action. You’re just the beginning of it, Willow.

Back tomorrow to close out this week, probably with some links. We’re working on procuring Showtime so expect that Weeds recap by Monday, if not tomorrow.

It’s Always Sunny returns in September, so says ad in between the premiere and re-airing of last night’s Rescue Me episodes. I can’t find verification anywhere, but I should be all you need, baby. In the meantime, go to the show’s website and watch these full episodes. Listening to Mac make excuses for why he has to share a foldout bed with Frank should brighten up your morning. I’m looking forward to them taking an ax to the recession. I’m already an asshole, you don’t have to tell me.

As I’m sure you’ve seen/read/or heard about from two dozen different outlets by now, Mark-Paul Gosselaar dressed as Zack Morris on Jimmy Fallon’s show and Howard Stern dressed as Howard Stern on Letterman’s show. Amazingly I watched both of them on television, and I didn’t really think either would be the seminal events they were made out to be the following day in the entertainment world. I think sometimes, we make a bigger deal out of these things than the masses, and I have no idea why. Especially when they aren’t all that unexpected.

This is also making the rounds: how 30 Rock is a thinly veiled shadow of The Muppet Show. Eh, I’m not going to read the article because I’m pretty sure every series on television could have parallels drawn to it from some sort of predecessor, but the snippets I’ve read seem to make sense. I never watched The Muppet Show as a kid, so I don’t really know much about it.

There it is. Riveting.

Here’s the Real World: DC house. I saw articles suspecting that this was the house a couple days ago and thought about posting it, but then it dawned on me: feeding into speculation of where a new Real World house is going to be for a season that won’t air for at least nine months would be a new low for this site. I suppose this isn’t much better, but at least its been confirmed.

Good news for the state of the union: Jon & Kate Plus 8’s ratings continue to drop. I credit Barack Obama for this development. But honestly, I’m proud of you people, between this and the It’s Always Sunny episode I watched before coming in this morning is helping to restore my sanity.

I know everyone was nervous about the state of Nurse Jackie after one episode, but rest assured, it has been renewed. See, as much as I knock on Showtime for their poor production quality and generic premises, they get shit done. I can’t recall a time with The Sopranos or The Wire when the status of each series’ livelihood wasn’t in question. Specifically the questions, “Is it coming back?” and “when is it coming back?” being constantly tossed around for a few months before the network would ever give a definitive answer.

And finally, it turns out AMC isn’t cutting into Mad Men’s runtime to make way for more commercials, but much like we expected is instead going to extend the show’s airtime past 11PM to accommodate additional ads. This is the most logical conclusion, so naturally AMC reached it, because it’s one of the better ran cable networks on basic.

Back tomorrow with more links.

We’re going to close out our week with the standard links post, just so it seems like we’re in tune with what is actually happening in this world, even if nothing is. Also, I know that despite rarely watching them, we limit our previews to the broadcast networks. If there’s any summer series you’re looking forward too but aren’t aware of when it’s starting, go here, and unless it’s It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia that you’re curious about, they should have an answer for you. As for It’s Always Sunny, you’re guess is as good as mine.

David Duchovny is now on record as saying that shooting sex scenes is boring. I imagine when you’re an admitted and now renoun nymphomaniac (probably one of the better maniacs to be), simulating the act of intercourse as part of your job is pretty mundane. Man, I can’t even begin to fathom some of the crazy shit this guy has done. He could claim to have bedded aliens and I’d totally believe him. Anyway, now that I’m done making you sufficiently hate your life you can probably go now.

I haven’t talked much about the couple from the MTV reality show on I’m A Celebrity, because the more we all pretend they don’t exist the better. But when Ted Telegdy (random NBC executive) comes out and says publicly that, “they are everything that’s wrong with America“, I have to break my code of silence. For starters, he’s right. Secondly, he’s either forgetting his own role in this or just willfully ignoring it. Heidi and Spencer don’t exist if it isn’t for people like him and his ilk giving them a platform. If he and whoever’s pulling the strings at MTV shunned these dipshits like everyone should, they’d be just two more over-privileged scumbags living their lives in virtual anonymity. You know, just like Ted Telegdy. This is like NFL labor negotiations: none of you are innocent.

Don’t know if anyone other than me actually watched the pre-game show for the finals last night, but Jimmy Kimmel and Eminem did a wildly funny sketch with Kimmel trying to put together a rap song. I highly recommend watching this, despite your opinions of either gentlemen involved. By far this was the highlight of the half hour. I don’t know what it says about Kimmel’s show that it is always infinitely better around marquee events (The Super Bowl, The Oscars, etc), other than that he should try this hard every time.

And to send you into the weekend, a couple announcements about worthwhile programming on Monday night: Weeds returns with its fifth season premiere. We’re looking for a place to watch it, but are repeatedly coming up short. Basically, you’ll find out on Tuesday if we’re recapping it. I wouldn’t get my hopes up, though.

Also, Letterman will have Howard Stern on his show Monday night to try and boost his ratings against his new rival, but I think his attempts to stay ahead of Conan are coming a little late. He’s like Clarence Royce to Conan’s Tom Carcetti. Not to mention that a solid percentage of Americans have forgotten that Stern is still alive since his move to Satellite. Like me, for instance. I’m not paying for radio when I have terrestrial and free podcasts at the tip of my fingers. Sorry, but I don’t need to spend money to ensure that I’m properly entertained in my car at all times. Not everyone lives in LA or commutes into NYC.

Man, that was random. Back next week with more of the same.

This week is mercifully coming to an end, and our last preview for awhile. We’ll do this again in a couple weeks since so many networks are running so many replays of fall series’ still (I’m looking at you, CBS). Also, we haven’t written about a single show we’d recommend, rerun or otherwise. So it only seems logical to try and do this when there are other options we could appreciate but won’t because we’re overly critical of everything. Anyways, don’t expect these until at least the NBA Finals are over.

NBC

8PM: Inside The Obama White House

NBC is replaying this because they know everyone secretly or unabashedly loves Barack Obama, and that everyone wants to watch their two hour fluff piece of him. I guess this makes sense, their special lost out in the ratings to only three different cop shows.

10PM: Dateline

New television on a weekend night in June? Hooray! It might be the same as one of the two premises Dateline has used for the past five years (mysterious murder trial or potential child predator sabotage), but still, it’s technically different.

ABC

8PM: Wife Swap

Are they even going to consider switching husbands at some point, or is your average patriarch too agitated by his own family that he can’t stomach the thought of a second. A different wife, however? Now that fits every domesticated stereotype I can imagine. Oh, and this is two hours long. Jesus, if you have HBO, just go watch The Wire, The Sopranos or Curb on demand for two hours. I don’t care if you’re jumping into the middle of a series you’ve never seen before, but make your time a little more valuable than Wife Swap.

She isn't the lead on the show, but she is in our hearts.

10PM: Samantha Who

A full hour of the Christina Applegate series that has managed to dodge cancelation on about 5,529 times. Everyone keeps telling me how “great” and “original” it is, but everytime someone claims greatness from one of these broadcast series’ I’m not watching, and I actually heed their advice and tune in, I leave completely disappointed. Maybe my expectations are too high as a result of the recommendation, but I wish they’d just cancel this shit already. I’m sick of hearing about how great something is that I’m never going to watch.

FOX

8PM: Don’t Forget The Lyrics

God bless you FOX, because you’re network affiliates have nightly local news an hour earlier, I can always count on you too lighten my workload. You’re like the anti-CBS in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, your programming is just as bad if not worse, but you’re generally quick with the debut of summer series and since you no longer air sitcoms, the loss of an hour of prime time means I only have to preview two shows. And for that, we thank you. I don’t know what Don’t Forget The Lyrics is, but no degree of mediocrity can outweigh my appreciation for the brevity you enable.

9PM: Mental

We talked about this earlier in the week (Tuesday, more specifically), and it’s the same exact episode. As if a show about a telepathic man wasn’t already predictable enough, they don’t even give me enough time to forget what I watched two nights beforehand. Oh, and forget half of everything I just said.

CBS

8PM: Ghost Whisperer

Say what you will about the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle, in terms of a single series holding on time slot, it has have one of the longest tiniers. Again, it’s not terribly impressive since it’s on a Friday night, and all that means is they can justify not canceling you then but couldn’t on a worknight. But you couldn’t say the same thing for Women’s Murder Club, which was pretty much the same thing without the telepathy but with more women.

9PM: Flashpoint

What the fuck is this? I feel like we asked this before once but have since forgotten about it. Alright, its about a bunch of cops that work on an “emergency task force”. Is there any portion of the executive branch that hasn’t been dramatized by network television yet? If so, I think someone needs to take care of this.

10PM: Numbers

Yeah, I think I’ve expressed enough befuddlement over the continued existence of this show. I’m sure it’s great and totally different from the thousands of others of its kind, but I remain in amazement. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m either impressed by the people of Numbers for managing to keep this show on the air, or saddened by CBS for allowing it to happen. I guess I’d need a hidden mike in one of their pow-wows.

So that’s it our last preview for the week, as per usual, Friday’s tend to be an abomination of the highest order. We’d preview Sunday (and maybe we still will), but I’m willing to bet there isn’t anything we’re going to watch then, either.

Links post later to close out the week.