Grid Effect

Did anyone watch anything even partially interesting last night? We watched the Cavs-Celts game, and that had its moments. Especially that end of 3rd quarter score of 53-52, that was interesting, or typical of the shoddy play that we’ve come to expect from the NBA’s eastern conference. These Celtics manage to get less and less inspiring as the time passes. It’s almost like no one other than them was taking the regular season seriously and just biding time until the playoffs began. But alas, they won the game and that is the bottom line, though if you’re a Celtics fan, you’re confidence has to have certainly wavered.

Obviously, we’re completely miffed here. We can dissect the playoffs or pretend to have watched a reality series last night. We’d do a nightly preview, but we already did one for Wednesday two weeks ago and virtually nothing has changed.

Here we are. Even a broken clock is right twice a day or some other more fitting analogy. That link, in case you’re wondering, is a press release of sorts about the new season of Hard Knocks. It goes without saying that this should be a significant improvement on last year’s somewhat uneventful profile of the Kansas City Chiefs.

For those who are unaware of the show or just simply uninterested with the NFL (meaning you’ve probably stopped reading this by now, but what the hell?), Hard Knocks is a miniseries that gives their audience and insiders look at an NFL preseason, or at least whatever the team at large is willing to sign away on. And I have no idea what the makeup of these contracts between HBO and the organizations are (this is the sixth or seventh year they’ve done this), but since this year’s team is the Dallas Cowboys, my guess is that Jerry Jones might want to maintain some executive control.

Glad to see Owens and Dallas fans can set their differences aside for money and wins.

The Cowboys, comprised of probably the most embarrassing tabloid romance in football (Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson), the most emotionally unstable player (Terrell Owens), the Nicky Santoro of the league (Pacman Jones, and that’s assuming he is reinstated), the most aggressive owner and passive successful coach (the aforementioned Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips) and a slew of other characters that includes Roy Williams, Terry Glenn and Tank Johnson. The latter of which has a rap sheet like Paulie Walnuts.

The NFL has been mired in legal issues as of late, and the front office led my commissioner Roger Goodell has been doing everything it can to weed out the bad seeds and demonstrate that they are serious on reprimanding professionally those who break the law. Thing is, they can barely keep up. Essentially the entire Bengals roster is behind bars, and if not they want to leave or are indifferent to their team’s issues. You can go to this website and it reads more like a police blotter than a comedy blog.

It’s also hard to take this new initiative seriously, considering the mess that Paul Taglibue, the current commissioner’s predecessor left behind. The worst instance comes in the case of Leonard Little, who killed a woman while drunk driving and as of last season was still getting considerable playing time for the Rams, who reside in St. Louis where he was convicted of manslaughter. This wasn’t on Goodell’s watch, but it’s hard for the casual fan who doesn’t follow these timelines to overlook when an authority figure says he’s trying to clean up the league and a few days later a murderer is blitzing the quarterback.

So while we’re looking forward to Hard Knocks, Goodell and whoever may give a shit within the Cowboys might want to intervene on the cutting room floor, because when they show Johnson, Pacman and Owens (to be fair, Owens has never been associated with any illegal activity, his insanity has been strictly law abiding) pouring Cristal on a stripper in one of their dorms, it’s just going to being throwing gasoline on a fire. For a league that has already dealt with murder trials, dogfighting, a litany of DUI, possession and domestic abuse cases, a hazing incident gone awry is about the last thing this empire needs.

Yawwwwn. That pretty much sums up my general malaise over doing this post and the outlook on the day ahead. In hindsight, since we have yet to do one for Monday, we should have done a nightly preview yesterday and one extended links post today, but what’s done is done. So let’s summarize the interesting facets of the TV industry from the past 24 hours.

You know, I like The Office as much as anyone, but NBC really might want to consider developing some new series’ with staying power if they ever want to climb out of the cellar in ratings, where they have perpetually been for the past six or seven years. Replacing adopted series that weren’t drawing any ratings with sitcom reruns is no way to go through life, Ben Silverman.

Tristan Wilds, better known as Michael Lee, and even more so as the new Omar Little, has been cast to play an adopted son on the new 90210. This is great news that someone in Hollywood has been paying attention to The Wire, and might lead to the series’ increased popularization and more options for its cast (sans commercials and bit parts on various network crime dramas) even after its series finale. But still, the only way we’re tuning into this is if we catch wind that Michael Lee sticks-up Lucille Bluth for her jewels or something, and he does it with a shotgun, and immediately goes into hiding only to reemerge for revenge after Lucille’s husband has his boyfriend tortured and murdered. Essentially, I’m only watching this show if it’s like the first three seasons of The Wire set in Beverly Hills.

I have some bad news for everyone who doesn’t read this blog: Men In Trees has been canceled. We never knew what it was, where it was set, who was in it or why it existed, but it exists no more. We’re sorry for your loss Men In Trees fans, we hope this message finds you well, and that one of the other thirty-something melodrama’s on ABC appeases you before its untimely canceling.

Seth MacFarlane is reportedly set to sign a $100 million, five year contract with 20th Century Fox for his show of randomly assembled jokes also known as Family Guy. He also co-created American Dad, which is a slight improvement. But Family Guy was a comedy gem before it was canceled in its first go-around with FOX, when they came back it was with an entirely different set of writers and the jokes felt uninspired, over-indulgent and borderline predictable to us. Whatever, get your money Mr. MacFarlane, maybe when he is sleeping on a bed of money he’ll be able to conjure up something original and not targeted at twelve year-olds.

The lone highlight of a once great cartoon.

After his recent ratings increase and rash of good publicity for his stint at the White House Correspondents dinner, European publications are now endorsing Craig Ferguson as Letterman’s successor. I suppose they aren’t familiar with his pleas to have Jon Stewart replace the lauded late night host, but now that Mr. Ferguson is a realistic option we suspect he is going to retract his selfless endorsement. Or rather just ignore it, because we are probably one of nineteen people who actually remember that happening. In other news, here is him cutting short an interview with Bill Maher.

Maureen Ryan from the Chicago Tribune makes the case that The Hills is the new Friends. Not necessarily in terms of theme or plot, but in their portrayal of twenty-somethings. The unearned luxury that accompanied NBC’s last ratings monster is the same thing that MTV”s “reality” series thrives off of. Needless to say, it’s escapism thinly-veiled as drama. We wholeheartedly agree with all of this, and while we still have yet to watch a millisecond of The Hills, we find it disturbing that we can name three female and one male “personalities” (what the fuck are we supposed to call these people?).

Finally, Martin Freeman, who played the original Jim Halpert on Ricky Gervais’ Office views his stint on the international hit as both “a blessing and a curse”. Essentially it’s the Seinfeld hex for Europe and he blames that on his inability to find any new work. Umm, if he’s looking for commercial or mainstream gigs, most of those are over here in the states. The lack of work available to him might have something more to do with him being British than any noteworthy roles he’s played. Still, it must be a pain in the ass to be type-casted after a series which only ran for sixteen episodes, resulting in limited financial gain but possibly negates any potential future jobs. The Seinfeld people all complain about it, and they all made over a million an episode for the last two seasons (44 episodes).

Something different tomorrow.

We’re still in the precipice of a hectic work week, so bare with us as we offer up day old news for the first three days of this, the third week of April.

Now desperately seeking an edge to regather its once dominant Nielsen score, Survivor is going HD. Assuming this is the case, the editing team better be working around the clock to verify there are not any exposed body parts.

TV critic Tim Goodman sums up the mentality of NBC comedy fans quite aptly in this op-ed piece. In short, he says we’re comedy elitists who denounce more traditional CBS comedies without giving them a chance. This describes the attitude on Grid Effect almost to a tee, and the odds of us changing up are about 100/1. Call us a snob if you will, but we’ve watched Big Bang Theory and we were mightily unimpressed.

Albert Brooks will play Nancy Botwin’s father-in-law in the fourth season of Weeds. Now, if only they would release the third season DVD’s so I could prepare to watch the fourth season, I’d be all set. But no, Showtime keeps me in suspense, at least with DVD releases and not actual storytelling.

There’s a picture of Mary Louise-Parker’s digitally enhanced naked ass that we wanted to use, but chose this instead. Mainly because violence is so much less-threatening than sex.

Here’s something you don’t see everyday: A reality TV director has been arrested on charges he falsely imprisoned eight women. Apparently he led them into his house with the promise of putting them on a series. A few things about this, first, I thought people that lied about being in showbiz to get women actually had no affiliation with the industry. If you actually have some kind of pull, what’s the point of promising a woman a spot you never plan to give to her, if you can actually put a good word? I suppose you can always be a sick fuck, so maybe that’s the case. Secondly, I think this is another argument for the abolishment of reality television. If it is so mind-numbingly boring for the people involved that they resort to multiple kidnappings, then it’s time to rethink the genre.

A.O. Scott, who we’ve sometimes felt to be pompous, writes a piece about Roger Ebert’s television career that is anything but. Regardless of your opinion of Ebert’s approach to movie reviews, his contribution is undeniable and hopefully a “Better Know a Congressman” segment.

Stephen Colbert is doing his show from Philadelphia all week. We watched last night as Colbert always brings his A-game for the away crowd, and last night was no exception. We recommend tuning in tonight to see an interview with Michelle Obama.

It seems like state employees were really fond of The Wire. Which is strange since that is who the show is usually hammering away on, even with the obvious degree of affection the series portrays the majority of its characters with, they are still perceived as ineffective at best and expendable at worst. But yeah, City Hall in Nashville is still in mourning over its conclusion. I guess that speaks to the caliber of programming that The Wire brought every week.

And finally, Newsday has a column about the difficulties sports-oriented TV series face. We mentioned it yesterday with The Contender, the article focuses mainly on Friday Night Lights, the problems the two shows face might vary, but we think a lot of it is related to sports movies being such a staple in US cinema that diverting from that is unlikely. Sports fans generally have amazingly short attention spans, we think FNL’s ratings failure stems directly from that mindset.

More of the same tomorrow.

As some of my friends from Georgia might say, Hey ya’ll! It is Monday, meaning I, just like you, probably have no vested interest in what I’m currently doing. You show us a person who enjoys Monday mornings, and I’ll show you an office pariah. Also, I suppose we owe you an apology. Last Friday at the end of our Office recap, we promised an additional post later that afternoon that was never delivered.

We’re not going to lie, though we were busy at work, we could have squeezed it in, we just felt like if we used up all the good links for an unnecessary post on Friday, then there would be nothing to write about on Monday. And really, that is just kind of sad. To be honest, I think we’re more deserving of your pity than your ire.

So here are a few links. Se’ll try to unveil something original this week, maybe another story in the life of Jason Katims, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

For everything you’ve ever wanted to know about the themes and direction of The Wire, watch this forum with David Simon and…several community leaders at Harvard. The moderator has all the personality and charisma you’d expect most Harvard faculty to have.

Speaking of personality, Flight of The Conchords are touring the U.S. over the summer. I imagine it will be a similar act to their HBO special. But still, definitely worth the price of admission. We’d rather see this than 90% of legitimate music acts that will be touring at about the same time.

It’s times like this we wished we still smoked weed.

Here is nerve.com’s opinion of the 50 greatest comedy sketches of all time. We’re glad to see that The State was included, along with some Chapelle Show and of course, SNL. Had we compiled our own list it would have been from the same sources, but different material.

Mo Ryan at the Tribune wonders whether or not HBO can make it a whole five months without airing any original series until Fall. While it will be atypical for them, there really isn’t much the network can do about it now. And it’s not like their going to crumble up and die during the hiatus. Besides, who the fuck is currently watching HBO anyways?

The saga of Mark Burnett’s the reality series continues as The Contender has now been canceled by ESPN. Currently shopping for another home, this article states that HBO and Showtime are off the books. I don’t know why this series doesn’t just fade into oblivion like every other series ever made, but it doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon. Someone should make a movie about this continuing struggle to find a home for a reality series that nobody watches. I could see the tagline for it now: “It’s down for the count, but up to the challenge”.

And finally,Craig Ferguson managed to beat Conan O’Brien in ratings without any qualifiers last week. When we were in college it seemed like everyone we didn’t like or respect preferred Ferguson over O’Brien, so this isn’t really a surprise to us. We disliked a lot of people we went to school with. Nothing against Ferguson personally, we just prefer the zaniness of Conan (who made a brilliant appearance at Comedy Central’s “Night of Too Many Stars” yesterday).

That’s it for now, don’t expect anything else today.

My apologies for neglecting the site yesterday, but it’s not as if I was off in the Caribbean getting drunk with models or anything. But rather had to pull a Jason Kidd and sit out the one day. The only difference being that we actually had a migraine. We could have posted yesterday, but it would have been even more incoherent than usual, and that doesn’t do anyone any good. This post is later than usual because we are trying to catch up on some work and varying after effects. Never the less, we are still TV-less on this television website, so here are some more links. We are happy to mail it in everyday, migraine or otherwise.

The FCC is suing FOX over Married By America. I can understand the FCC intervening in shows like 24 or Desperate Housewives or something similar. I don’t condone it, but I can see the logic. Suing a reality show that’s participated and determined by the very people the FCC is supposed to be sheltering…then what’s the point?

Well, on Friday we suggested this might be the case, and you are not going to believe this but, John McCain indeed lied about watching The Hills. I know, I know, it’s shocking. It’s not as relevant as some of Clinton’s gaffes, but it is no less embarrassing. Actually, the situation would probably be all the more alarming if a presidential candidate was actually watching anything on MTV.

If we had any interest in trying to parlay this pedestrian blog into an actual newspaper gig, then we might be shit out of luck. Why? Because like The Wire taught us, newspapers are more interested about their ever depreciating bottom line. And while TV critics might bring in a certain audience the paper wouldn’t otherwise get, they are certainly not the lifeblood of a city publication.

So it looks like the writer’s strike gave networks plausible deniability about some of their series’, and as a result fewer than usual are going to be canceled. Maybe that was the hidden agenda of the writers strike? I mean, if you work on October Road you’re probably getting the boot after a few episodes anyways, right? Might as well encourage a strike, use it as an excuse for unemployment, then if you’re lucky, you’ll have a series to return to work on in the summer. It’s genius, actually.

Is there anything about this series that isn’t wholesome?

According to Jason Katims, there won’t be any significant changes in style or theme for the upcoming season of FNL, just format. Well, you can attempt to cover it all you want Mr. Katims, but we heard differently. Obviously he’s a tool for the corporate machine. Man.

HBO is taking the summer off. Partly as a result of the strike, and partly because they can. So, um, Mad Men will still be around, right? Maybe It’s Always Sunny? God, this site can only become so unappealing before the internet swallows it whole.

And finally, NPR pays tribute to the South Park character least likely to ever listen to an NPR broadcast. At least they acknowledge the series still exists. I figured after the “Smug Alert” episode they were dead to National Public Radio.

Back with something equally bland tomorrow.

This has been a long week here at Grid Effect. The last four days have taken us to task between work hassles, posting hassles and a lack of quality material to post about, the fact we haven’t gone any sort of rampage has been sort of surprising. Even to us. But at least Survivor gave us a decent episode last night, even if it was one of the more depraved things we’ve seen on the series in awhile it restored our faith in the concept of justice on a reality show, despite the fact that Cirie is still there. So here is a fresh batch of links as you prepare for what is sure to be a long day of work or not going to classes.

Proof that politicians will do anything for a vote, John McCain actually put on airs that he watches The Hills, although I’m 90% sure he isn’t aware of how ludicrous that his, since he has no idea what The Hills entails. This is like the time in the fourth grade some classmate asked me if I spit or swallow and I had no idea what the hell he was referring too. The only difference is, I abstained from answering.
We suppose he did so for the “endorsement” from one of the cast members (I’m not even going to do her the favor of writing out her name), but if he ever watched the show he would know that the only people who take this person seriously aren’t old enough to vote or are college-aged girls who claim to hate this girl but watch The Hills every week.

Friday Night Lights is officially coming back to NBC, but not until 2009 and the episodes will air after Direct TV airs them in the fall of 2008. Jesus, talk about getting pwned. I mean, I like the series and all, but for the sake of NBC, I’d probably just pretend I didn’t want the series anymore and then cry myself to sleep every night.
Alan Sepinwall speculates that since so many people use cable over Direct TV, if their will be a spike in illegal downloads for those too impatient to wait for the NBC debut. And in fact, he is absolutely correct, whatever limited support the series gets is going to be spread too thin from everyone watching at different times and paces. Now call me crazy, but I think we’ve encountered something like this before.

So We can either wait to see these two on NBC, or download new episodes on Rip Torrent as they air on Direct TV? Seems like a question that answers itself.

First Mad Men announces their pilot season release on DVD, and now The Wire announces their DVD’s will be made available in August. We will most certainly be splurging for both, but we’d love to see a spinoff series that involved characters from both shows. Everyone would be so confused!

Some guy at the Times wonders why HBO doesn’t remake a series like Skins, a supposed dark teenage series on the BBC. We’re not certain or anything, but we’d like to think that despite HBO’s run of failures as of late, they still have a modicum of decency and standards. Of course, Tell Me You Love Me would suggest otherwise.
Besides, HBO has never been in the business of lifting ideas or series’ for other networks, so it really isn’t terribly surprising they haven’t gotten desperate enough to go for anything like Skins. And am I missing something, or isn’t this eerily similar to Kids, the beyond retarded movie made in 1995 that caused all the fuss over at MTV. Yeah, if it’s still hard too determine, I’m unimpressed with Skins.

See you Monday, kids. Enjoy the final four.

Still haven’t watched anything all that riveting. We shamefully tuned into Beauty and The Geek last night and it was essentially an hour long string of people crying, so we’ll probably steer clear of that unless it picks up its game. So, when in doubt, here are some links (as is our montra).

Jay Leno was forced to apologize for his persistent gay jokes while McCain hassles Letterman for regularly mocking his age. To avoid any scarring anyone deeply, eventually these guys will be forced to stand on stage in a nondescript full body suit and mutter to themselves while staring at the ground. I think this is where we are ultimately heading.

For whatever reason, Britain is importing The Hills, probably to indoctrinate their youth with conspicuous consumption. I don’t know. It’s beyond me why anyone would want to their own version of the worst aspects of American pop culture, but at least Kevin Spacey has a legitimate cause now.

Hey, speaking of conspicuous consumption, the series that sort of popularized it is now responsible for establishing a $24,000 NYC tour. That’s right, a tour company will show you New York the same way you saw it on Sex and The City. If I lived in such a fantasy world, I always imagined myself going on a murderous rampage. Can I be held responsible for my actions should I choose to take this tour? I think not. Not for twenty-four large.

Don Draper, mingling with the Bohemian set.

Some great news for this website, Mad Men is slated for DVD release on July 1st. This way the boomers can relive their horrifying childhood’s over and over again. Seriously, it must be a nice retrospective for them, because it is for me and I wasn’t alive until twenty-five years after the fact. I need to know when they are coming back for a second season. With virtually all good dramatic television off the airwaves right now, this is more anticipated than ever.

And finally, here’s wishing Roger Ebert the best of luck. After three surgeries he still hasn’t regained his voice thus unable to do his review show with Richard Roeper, but is set to return to written reviews. We will most certainly be reading.

Survivor and South Park recaps tomorrow. Yay substance!

Now that was some shitty basketball, my friends. All the casual NCAA tournament fans are surely happy with the results, but other than them, the games were insufferably boring and the outcomes too disappointing for too much jubilation. Four one seeds are going to San Antonio? Surely it’s what some people want to see, and historically when a lower seed makes the final four the games themselves turn out to be a disappointment; but I could really give a fuck which of these teams wins a national title.

Also, I know this is a television and not a sports blog but I’d like to point out that while Bill Self finally reached the final four, he and his Jayhawks weren’t called upon to beat a team ranked higher than a nine seed to do so. They won the games that they were asked to win and you can’t knock them for variables out of their hands, but they might want to give a shout out to the selection committee as well.

Anyhow, we have absolutely nothing of interest to write about. The best we can do is a list of random thoughts and observations from the weekend. Here it is:

-There hasn’t been any CBS promotions quite as obnoxious or sleepless night inducing as the infamously creepy Baby Bob campaign from 2002. But shows as mundane and repetitive as How I met Your Mother or CSI bring their own brand of irritability to the table. Mainly, how far the sitcom has fallen that HIMYM is considered “good”, and David Caruso probably makes close to a million an episode for a replica series of a replicated franchise.

Alright CBS, you win. We admit it, this shit still haunts our dreams.

-Here’s a slide show of former Real World cast members and, you’re not going to believe this, but as people age, they tend to gain weight and lose their complexion. This holds true even for reality TV stars. See? They are just like us.

-Speaking of The Real World, doesn’t it feel like more of these people should end up in prison. Not necessarily the house mates from the earlier seasons, but take this most recent season in Sydney. The fact that none of those catty white bitches or their abrasive male roommate will ever be incarcerated just wreaks of injustice. These people make the contestants on Beauty and The Geek look well-adjusted.

-I really, really want Gus Johnson to read my eulogy. Even if I spend all my days sitting in my office, then retiring for the night to sit in front of my television, if he can make some of these games over the weekend watchable then certainly he could turn my life into a Hollywood movie.

-Weighing out the options for each season, we think summer has favorable viewing over the fall. This summer we have Mad Men, It’s Always Sunny, Weeds, Conchords, Entourage (meh) and usually Rescue Me but we seem to recall it being pushed back a full year as a result of the writer’s strike. In the fall, and we are listing these as if the writer’s strike never took place, we are privileged to The Office, Survivor, Curb, South Park and The Wire just ended.

We have no idea what new series’ will be unveiled next October, but as it stands currently, our favorite comedy (It’s Always Sunny) and our favorite drama (Mad Men) air during what is widely considered the “off season” for television. I think it’s safe to say, we clearly shouldn’t be writing a television blog.

Back with links or something tomorrow.

Basketball consumed all of our time and interest last night. Unless you find our trip to the gym and subsequent shower nudged between work and tourney watching to be riveting prose, I’m afraid we have nothing really worth contributing from our personal lives. So, we had to go hunting. Ladies and gentlemen, here is approximately your forty-third batch of links from this website in the short calendar year.

So, Prison Break is now beheading characters during contract disputes, then finding loopholes to return the character once the actor’s negotiations are completed. Man, that is an entirely plateau of leverage. Can you imagine if this were physically possible, how many series producers would take this route with contract renewals, “Well Rainn Wilson, don’t get us wrong, we would like to have you back. We really would. But right now Dwight Schrute’s head is rolling past the Chili’s and is about to exit Scranton if you fail to except this offer. So (leans in dramatically), what will it be?”
Anyhow, the narrative of the series will be that it was someone else’s head that was liberated from his/her body (gasp). Brilliant. I think its been made abundantly clear, but I can’t form into words how much I despise this show. They’re now stealing from middle-tier South Park episodes.

There’s only one way for the Schrute Buck to increase in value.

Lord help us, there is talks of a Hills movie. For those who don’t know, The Hills is a reality series following the grand tradition of MTV shows that celebrates vapid, entitled late teens to mid-twenties girls. My question is, what would the time frame be on a movie like this? I know it’s probably predominately scripted in the first place, but if it takes the better part of a year to fill 100 minutes of screentime, then maybe MTV could find better personalities to make television and (apparently) movies about. There are enough stints of dead silence on one of these episodes that I would feel like I was watching an Antonioni film if it wasn’t for the noticeable overtones of idiocy implicit in every one of them.

Kyle Chandler has joined the echo chamber, and is confident in FNL’s return. We wonder how he’ll take to the new management style.

Hal Holbrook, reprising his role from The Sopranos (not really), will yet again play a terminally ill patient. But this time it will be on ER and probably played a little more melodramatically as well.

Speaking of The Sopranos, David Chase was honored by the WGA with a lifetime achievement award. I guess they felt he needed at least one more honoring, just for good measure. All the while David Simon sits at home with an empty mantle. This could explain Simon’s newspaper plot in his final Wire season, maybe this is all just sour grapes that regardless of his substantial contributions to whatever field he is in, he is always overlooked. I’m kidding, of course. But it would be quite ironic if some sort of tape leaked with him lamenting the lack of an Emmy nomination.

Speaking of Mr. Simon, here’s a trailer for his HBO miniseries slated for July. We were going to watch anyways, but with Tobias Beecher and Ziggy Sobotka carrying much of the acting burden, we’ll gladly do David Simon’s bidding and hammer it down your throats.

Tina Fey wants everyone whose ever been on television or in a tabloid to make a cameo on 30 Rock. Have you been on your local affiliate catching a foul ball at a minor league baseball game or at a cookout performing the heimlich on a relative? Then give Ms. Fey a call, she can probably find time to squeeze you into an episode.

That’s it for a dreadful week in episodic television. We’re going to be honest, we probably won’t be setting the world on fire next week either.

With nothing worthwhile on television last night and still being a little under the weather, we succumbed to something we never thought we would ever succumb too. Now, I have to throw a bunch of qualifiers into the mix before I announce what we watched last night: not only was I feeling sick but I am being heavily medicated, there was no NBA on and we didn’t have any netflix. Now without the option of a viable alternative, we did something we never thought we were capable of: we watched Beauty and The Geek.

But that isn’t the humiliating part of the story, that comes in the fact that we actually kind of enjoyed it (currently we are drinking Jameson at work we are so depressed by this, it’s a good thing we’re unarmed, otherwise there would be no telling what we’re capable of). It did seem to conjure up some bad memories for the geek faction of the contest, in fact we were downright mortified for them during the challenge portion of the episode.

First of all, a little exposition for those who are unfamiliar. Beauty and The Geek, at least this season, took approximately ten classically attractive women and ten socially challenged guys and pitted them against each other in various forms of competition. Whichever team loses in whatever that week’s contest is, are subject to elimination by the other team, who nominate approximately half of the losing team for an elimination round. Supposedly just being in the limited confines of a mansion in Los Angeles is supposed to create a bond between the beauties and the geeks? We’re really not sure.

Your teams, respectively.

Anyhow, the challenge this week was a football game at the Coliseum between the geeks and the beauties. Yes, a football game. Just what the team of geeks needs, a reinforcement of why they are there in the first place by pinpointing a significant reason why these geeks are often considered geeks: under-achievement in competitive sports. It’s bad enough they were forced to play football against their will, but then against a team of physically fit girls, also reinforcing part of the reason they might have trouble attaining such women in the first place. At least if the played the actual USC football team no one would blame them if they got hammered.

The game itself was almost painful to watch. One guy actually had to be assisted off the field by the medical staff after one of the girls tackled him, then another was bitched at by one of the more aggressive beauties for blocking too hard. It really struck me as a lose-lose for them, but since one beauty and one geek risked elimination by switching teams, they were forced to try and win for their new teammate brave enough to switch alliances. And the geeks lost in convincing fashion: 24-12.

The format only got worse from there. As they lined up to decide which geeks the beauties were going to send to the elimination round, we discovered that they were now going to divy up the contestants in pairs consisting (obviously) of one beauty and one geek, but since there were only seven beauties and eight geeks because the beauty who joined the geeks football team was eliminated via losing the game, one of the geeks wasn’t going to be picked and thus sent packing.

The decision to go all Sadie Hawkins on them seemed exceptionally cruel. All these guys’ insecurities probably stem from adolescent/high school experiences similar to this one, they might as well have tied them to a flagpole and gotten it over with. Still, there are redeeming qualities to the show. We’re not sure if the series is always so cold, but we’re also wondering if the people are always so decent, as that’s not usually par for the course with reality programming.

For the most part, it seemed like basic human decency takes hold on this series. There wasn’t any mocking of stupidity of the women or of the shortcomings of the men, everyone was just….accepting. Which is something foreign on any reality show we’ve ever seen. While the humanity of it was provided by the contestants (one girl even waited outside for the geek injured during the football game to come home from the hospital), the producers seemed intent on begrudging all of them for their flaws. Somehow this was circumvented by everyone being exploited.

We probably won’t make this appointment viewing, because we struggle to do that with any reality TV, even Survivor, which we’ve been recapping since our inception. But the series did have heart, a vaguely original premise and managed to be humorous at times, usually not at the expense of those participating. If this were the standard for reality television, we might not mock it so mercilessly.

South Park recap tomorrow.

Not for nothing, but we were impressed with last night’s Survivor, even if it was one team completely destroying another (I was kind of hoping the favorites would lose as comeuppance for getting rid of Yau-Man prematurely, but that wasn’t the case). And the idol discovery was probably the best they’ve had since its inception, probably because it was done so effortlessly and secretively. Cirie should have known better considering all the traveling through water that the retrieval entailed. Considering how easy the clues were for seemingly everyone but Ami, the only real challenge here was the foot and aquatic travel, and no one is swimming from one island to the next quicker than Ozzy.

But anyhow, you may have noticed were not doing the Wire recap in our usually designated spot. This is mostly the result of us having watched episode 59 a couple times since, and hoping to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone without backtracking and watching episode 58 again so we know what not to include. And even though we could probably avoid this just by doing it from memory this fine Friday morning, we’re at work and don’t really have the time. So, as is our motto, here are some links:

It would seem that Charlie Sheen called Ryan Seacrest to assist in halting the production of his estranged ex-wife’s reality show. While I can understand Sheen not wanting to have his kids exploited in any way (though they clearly haven’t dodged that pickle), does Seacrest really have any pull? It would be like calling Bill Bellamy at MTV to prevent Daria from airing in the early 90’s. Oh, or remember The Maxx? Yeah, like everything it may be on youtube, but I’ve got that shit on VHS.

Probably the coolest cartoon of all time.

A bit of a Wire teaser for you, and absolutely do not watch this if for some reason you haven’t seen any of this season or episode 58: an interview with the child actors who play Bug and Kenard for some Baltimore radio show. They seem to be cast in their respective roles for a reason, as Bug has to be forced into talking while Kenard just does so without any suggestion. And my apologies for not knowing their actual names, but they’re peripheral characters and I’m not even sure if they’re in the opening credits.

An interview with Michael K. Williams, the above bold print applies to this link as well.

Oh, and just so no one’s upset when they flip to HBO on demand Sunday night at midnight and do not see the new Wire episode posted: it’s because it won’t be, at least not until after it airs on HBO. So if you’re like me you have two full weeks (or 13 days and 21 hours if you want to get technical about it) in between the penultimate episode and the ninety minute finale.

More evidence that despite my hatred for ABC, it’s the best run network of the four: they’re now offering on demand services. While this is a great service, I’m just not sure how many times over I can watch the same Dancing With The Stars episode. This does affect ratings though, look at The Wire as case in point. I doubt ABC will post episodes a week in advance, but if people feel like they can tune in at their convenience, fewer people are going to watch when Nielsen’s are being measured.

Speaking of the pay network, here is HBO’s intro from 1983. See I told you everything is on youtube. This thing is so fucking dated they do everything but have a narrator hype the age of colored television.

Registration is required for this article from the LA times, but it pleads the case for a total revamping of the Oscars. We don’t really understand this prevailing attitude. They had limited time to prepare because of the writer’s strike, the movies were mostly obscure indie-flicks that the overwhelming majority of the movie going public did not see, and they were four hours long. Can’t we just chalk it up to a disappointing year for the Oscars and move the fuck on? Do full articles from national publications about the shortcomings of an awards show really need to be penned? Well, yes, I have been watching this Wire season, why do you ask?

I love this article about the misguided attempt from HBO to post Wire episodes a week in advance on demand. We’ve mentioned consequences of this before and this article is nothing more than validation, because it does seem to lead to premature online leaks and contributes to probably thousands of loyal fans being unwillingly spoiled (either from said leaks or message boards). We try to keep it really discrete around here as we never watch online episodes, but are on the on demand schedule. There is only one episode left that no one but critics and show creators have seen, so it’s too little to do anything about it now, but hopefully with their next critically acclaimed series they’ll keep the interests of their fans in mind.

For girlfriends who would find it entertaining if their boyfriends killed themselves, here’s an article tossing around the idea of a hybrid Friends and Gilmore Girls movie. Sure it’s all fun and games now, but how do you think a Bratz movie gets made?

Speaking of suicide, which is always a cheerful topic, if this woman from Moment of Truth doesn’t leap off the Chrysler Building then she’s getting off easy. Cheat on your spouse? Yeah, whatever, obviously you’re not the first. Completely humiliate and berate him on national television about your infidelities, well, that’s an entirely new breed of satanic. I guess it’s appropriate that the question she lied on was, “Are you a good person?” Also, I’m completely OK with the FOX entertainment branch being burning to rubble.

And finally, SNL is preparing another Obama-Clinton sketch for this upcoming episode. While we watched last week and chuckled a couple times, it is really hard to watch the sketch comedy show trudge along knowing how great it was from 1991-1998 or so. The sketch that Senator Clinton awkwardly invoked in her debate on Tuesday didn’t really strike me as all that hilarious because it lacked any sort of nuance (like every SNL skit from the past six years), and seemed to actually believe that Clinton’s recent primary woes have been the sole result of media bias.
Obviously the media likes him over her, it’s undeniable, but she has a solid amount of journalist advocates and the lambasting she’s received (if you can even call it that) is nothing compared to what they’ll do to McCain. Somehow we doubt the vitriol from Clinton supporters will be as venomous.

Anyhow, before we get too far off track, look for the Wire recap later this weekend.

Remember how yesterday I’ve mentioned I’ve led a charmed life? Well, for some people that isn’t good enough, apparently, because Simon Cowell is publicly berating the Oscars for not inviting him to their self-congratulatory film awards, saying it “reeks of snobbery”, is “ridiculous” and they think he’s the “Antichrist”.

To begin the rundown of all the things utterly and inarguably wrong with this, I like the notion that he claims it “reeks of snobbery”. This is coming from a man with no musical background that I’m aware of, who systematically rejects people from performing on a stage with nothing more than a whim-based opinion. Did Simon have a good meal before arriving on set? Well, that improves your chances. If Simon got laid beforehand, thank your lucky stars because for at least a few minutes afterwards he won’t be so overtly bitter. For someone whose entire show revolves around his elitist subjectivity, this is definitely the Euro-trash celeb calling the more popular kids’ kettle black.

I’d worry less about the Oscars and more about buttoning up that shirt.

A few more things about this: First, it seems that when he’s on the business end of a decision he is knocked off his A-game. Secondly, why would he want to go to the Oscar’s in the first place? There isn’t any disillusioned high-schoolers there to make fun of, and the thing regularly lasts about three and a half hours. Honestly, even if it is something you would like to attend and aren’t allowed, it’s embarrassing enough that I think you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Thirdly, how fucking entitled can a reality television personality be?

The man makes $40 million a year to throw vague, rehearsed insults at people too nervous or too shy to retaliate, through this process manages to become a television icon and then proceeds to complain when he isn’t invited to what the film industry considers their most prestigious event? It’s rare I’ll defend those in Hollywood who treat events like the Oscars as something that has any significance whatsoever (I’m not even sure that is what I’m doing here), but fuck Simon Cowell.

He works in television and is a millionaire probably close to a hundred times over at this point and still finds room for professional dissatisfaction? He is well on his way to being the British Donald Trump, a recognizable face for no discernible reason or talent that everyone takes seriously because he’s somehow managed to accumulate power and wealth, but laughs at him behind his back because otherwise he would be cartoonishly non-threatening. If there was any justice in the world David Simon would make Simon Cowell like money.

But alas, America loves their fame whores. He’s essentially Paris Hilton with a sharper tongue, or a successful Andy Mellman who never developed a conscious. Shit, at least neither of them wallowed to the public over not being invited to the Oscars. You’re a television personality, you’ve never worked in film (at least not regularly) and the Oscars are about creative endeavors, something you’ve never been apart of. Go swim in your pool of gold coins and quit acting like you were fucking slighted in any way.

Welcome to what I can recall as the coldest day of the year in my fair city. You know how in some places, snow is actually accompanied with a degree of festivity? Like Chicago? Or Denver? Yeah, well, Columbus isn’t like that. All the snow and frigidly cold weather does is keep car thief’s and campus hooligans indoors, but the rest of the city is exponentially more miserable than they were when we had clear streets. So, if we’re a bit more petulant today than usual, please take it with a grain of salt. Thanks.

With the weather being how it is, we stayed in last night and caught the last twenty minutes of our fallen Grid Effect regular, Nip Tuck. It appears the series has now delved into incest. And not “haha, George Michael wants to sleep with Maebe” incest. But rather Matt is sleeping with Christian’s long lost daughter, and though they first did it unknowingly (and Christian doesn’t seem wise to the fact this girl is supposedly his daughter), even with the knowledge that they’re related, they fully intend to do it again. It’s good to see the producers aren’t desperate or anything.

We thought this was novel and will be unintentionally hysterical: MTV is going to hold a Real World awards show. We didn’t read the article because it sounds so ridiculous, but we imagine awards will be donned out for, among other categories: “Sluttiest”, “Craziest”, “Most Volatile”, “Most Docile”, “Most times drunkenly collapsing in public”, “Most Camera Time”, “Most club appearances post-Real World stint” and “Most children out of wedlock”.
We wonder if they’ll actually be able to pull most of the old timers away from whatever it is they’re doing right now. I mean, they couldn’t even get Dominic and Aaron from season two for a reunion leading into the fourth (maybe fifth) season…This is leading into the 20th. Good lord, even Television Without Pity quit recapping their episodes about two years ago. But that’s what MTV likes about them high school girls, they get older while the girls stay the same age.

We’d venture to guess that the entire Vegas cast finds time to reunite. Again.

Denise Richards pitch for a reality series has officially been greenlit by who else? E!. If not E! then obviously VH1. This raises an interesting question though: Who do you consider to be the more vile human being, Mike Vick or Denise Richards? The former brutally tortured and murdered canines for his own sick amusement. The latter throws her preschool aged kids on national television to upstart her pathetic, middling, acting career. Hmmm, it’s probably still Vick (After all, Richards isn’t murdering her children, just subjecting them to a lifetime of ridicule and therapy), but we’ll be damned if it’s not only by a nose. We said it once and we’ll say it again, you have to be really fucked in the head to make Charlie Sheen look like the good guy in a custody battle.

We’ll send you people out on a high-note: a sort of “behind the scenes” look into the Colbert and Stewart-O’Brien mock feud. We haven’t gotten a chance to watch it with volume, but it looks damn funny. Were sure their was plenty of European ethnic and height jokes, but ever since The Office went into hiatus we can’t think of anything funnier we’ve seen on television (unless you include the dark humor on The Wire). Personally, we prefer what Colbert did in wake of the strike by just interviewing more people (virtually one interview for all three of his acts) since he excels at improvisation, whereas Stewart just seemed to increase his commercial length.

Anyhow, enjoy. We’ll be back tomorrow with a Survivor recap.

A couple highly rated programs are on tap tonight, so we figured it convenient to preview this evenings network lineups. We didn’t watch any television beyond the OSU-PSU basketball game and rewatch the new Wire episode, so we are left with little material. Anyhow, though we aren’t exactly fans of anything airing, there is a variety of options to choose from so why not do an overview?

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
Our feelings about this show have been made quite clear. But this week, we hear if you pick out a suitcase containing $100,000 or more, Howie Mandel douses you in that head slicker he liberally shines his dome with. Of course, that could always just be Mandel perspiration, in which case we wouldn’t wish that on anybody. See, if they actually did the former we might watch, but the show probably has to be moved to Nickelodeon for anyone to be doused with anything.

9-11pm: Law and Order
Two different episodes, probably a remarkably similar premise. We imagine a coed turns up dead and the main suspect is the boyfriend. In fact, they know it’s the boyfriend. Why? Because she was such an incorrigible bitch when they were dating (in TV Land, this qualifies as motive). But we are all stunned when it turns out to be her landlord or something. Who tearfully (yet comically) confesses while testifying that he didn’t mean to kill her…just scare her because she lead him on and he offered her a discounted rent as a result. This is surely how these episodes will go.

For those who don’t know, when Richard Belzer isn’t disparaging conservative politicians on Real Time, he plays a homicide detective on NBC.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
Oh My God! Two families with different lifestyles and different approaches to domestic duties switch matriarchs, and combative hilarity ensues, culminating with one of the husbands crying and one of the children cursing their TV mom.

9-11pm: Lost
Two hour season premiere, bitches. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on. Actually, our enthusiasm is a farce, we can’t stand this show. Apparently they’re going to run notes across the screen telling you facts about each of the characters, which is about the laziest narrative structure imaginable. What good are these facts if they never materialize on screen? It could just be footnotes from past seasons for new viewers they’re anticipating (due to the writer’s strike), but either way it strikes us as tacky. Oh, and ABC is referring to this as an “enhanced version”. Meaning, if you were lucky ABC would always put into text what they can’t fit into plot.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
If you want to see a middle-aged British man cut seventeen year-olds down to size because they are unfit to compete on an elaborate talent show, no one does it better than American Idol. Its genius is its simplicity. Tonight they’re in Miami, so he’s bound to put some impoverished immigrants in their place to the amusement of the masses.

9pm: Moment of Truth
Unlike its lead-in, at least the people get paid for the national exploitation. Of course, after the divorce and other inevitable legal issues, that take-home prize will probably be swallowed up by lawyers. Still, the chance for a pay day is there.

CBS

8pm: The New Adventures of Old Christine
The show that supposedly broke the Seinfeld curse that nobody watches. If Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t gotten an Emmy for her role on this after it was already canceled a couple years ago, this show would have been long forgotten. Instead, Elaine gets a bullshit Emmy on name recognition and it continues to haunt the airwaves for two more years. Anyways, there are two episodes on tonight.

9pm: Criminal Minds
If these shows even remotely resembled the country we lived in, one would assume that the U.S. had a Gaza Strip level of violence and you are lucky if you make it to work alive. Tonight’s episode details the investigation of home invasion murders, which will probably be treated like another day at the office. Christ, even The Wire treats a home invasion murder as something out of the ordinary, and it is set in fucking Baltimore.

10pm: CSI: NY
“Mac and the team find human blood on the crown of the Statue of Liberty, leading them on a race against time to save a famous musician from death at the hands of a vigilante.”

This is the episode description on CBS’ website. It sounds more like Treasure Hunters than a cop procedural. Of course, nothing about any CSI has ever resembled a realistic crime investigation.

Enjoy your bevy of options. While we’re not going to watch any of this, at least there is a wide variety of material, even if it’s all easily dismissed.

After staying up until 2am waiting for HBO to post the new Wire episode on demand, we called it a night. Problem being, we are dead tired and keep drifting off at work, so we’re sorry if this post doesn’t thrill and amuse.

Two series’ this website is incredibly favorable of, Weeds and Mad Men, have both received exemptions from the writer’s strike. Supposedly they cut a deal with their respective production companies or something? I don’t know, I wouldn’t be surprised if enough high ranking members of the WGA liked these two shows enough that they decided to let it slide.

Nielsen ratings for The Wire continue to fall, and I have one question for those who may be concerned with this, does it really seem like fewer people are watching the show than at the end of the fourth season? All the people I know who watched it still do, and all the blogs, websites, message boards, etc. I visit all have the same frequency of posts/comments. Does anyone know if DVR/Tivo recordings and On Demand views are factored into these ratings? I sincerely doubt it. Also, some dickhead leaked the first seven episodes online, so several loyalists aren’t even using HBO to watch the episodes.

Let me extrapolate on this point to vent, I like that the episodes are posted earlier On Demand, but between that, the online availability of episodes that have yet to air, and the regular showing on Sunday nights, it makes the series impossible to talk about with other fans. If you talk to seven people, they’re at six different stages in the season, so every conversation is bogged down in a series of qualifiers such as, “well, have you gotten to (fill in this scene here, and just asking about it spoils the series)?”, and “I know you’re not up to this point, but…”. For someone who likes to dissect every facet of every episode, I’d probably simply prefer it if they did away with all the On Demand shenanigans and advanced copies, and force me to watch every Sunday night. If not for myself, then for everyone whose been incidentally spoiled and for the series’ ratings (even though they’re kind of irrelevant now).

Speaking of The Wire, Lance Reddick has gone from the critically acclaimed series, to Oz, to movies that share a name with a Norm McDonald comedy to Mercedes commercials and now to FOX pilots. While we have no doubt this project will sink like a stone, it’s always good to see good actors from legendary series’ get more work. Anyone seen JK Williams (Bodie) sine he was shot dead on his corner? Didn’t think so. That kid should be able to find work solely for his spit takes.

The king stay the king, Bodie. Until he’s murdered, then someone else is the king.

Here’s wishing Roger Ebert all the best after yet another surgery. His Great Movies List has provided me with countless entertainment recommendations for slow weekends over the years, we need to see another hundred added to that list before it’s all said and done. We also hope he regains his voice and makes it back to his show, which has been influencing our theater outings for about seven years now.

So apparently, and this is going to come as a huge surprise, Americans love them some schaudenfruede, as evidenced by 24 million people watching Moment of Truth. If only everyone’s personal and domestic conflicts could be aired on national television, we would all be so happy. Maybe there should be some sort of mandate on this to help pull us out of a looming recession: if you have some deep-seeded secret or revelation you’re planning on making to a family member/close friend, it must be done on Fox, so we can have a cast of judges humiliate you more than you could possibly humiliate yourself. Though I will give the series credit, it takes balls to invite Roger Clemens onto a show with such a premise. There is no telling how that ‘roided up entitled freak will react.

And finally, to send you out of here on a sour (or positive, depending on your perspective) note, ABC has cut a third of their fall pilots for 2008. Not pulling any punches, the network is taking a meat axe to the union, who seems to have gotten in over its head. I think this might mean that the end is nigh for October Road.

Back tomorrow with something other than a Nip Tuck recap tomorrow.