Grid Effect

Now that was some shitty basketball, my friends. All the casual NCAA tournament fans are surely happy with the results, but other than them, the games were insufferably boring and the outcomes too disappointing for too much jubilation. Four one seeds are going to San Antonio? Surely it’s what some people want to see, and historically when a lower seed makes the final four the games themselves turn out to be a disappointment; but I could really give a fuck which of these teams wins a national title.

Also, I know this is a television and not a sports blog but I’d like to point out that while Bill Self finally reached the final four, he and his Jayhawks weren’t called upon to beat a team ranked higher than a nine seed to do so. They won the games that they were asked to win and you can’t knock them for variables out of their hands, but they might want to give a shout out to the selection committee as well.

Anyhow, we have absolutely nothing of interest to write about. The best we can do is a list of random thoughts and observations from the weekend. Here it is:

-There hasn’t been any CBS promotions quite as obnoxious or sleepless night inducing as the infamously creepy Baby Bob campaign from 2002. But shows as mundane and repetitive as How I met Your Mother or CSI bring their own brand of irritability to the table. Mainly, how far the sitcom has fallen that HIMYM is considered “good”, and David Caruso probably makes close to a million an episode for a replica series of a replicated franchise.

Alright CBS, you win. We admit it, this shit still haunts our dreams.

-Here’s a slide show of former Real World cast members and, you’re not going to believe this, but as people age, they tend to gain weight and lose their complexion. This holds true even for reality TV stars. See? They are just like us.

-Speaking of The Real World, doesn’t it feel like more of these people should end up in prison. Not necessarily the house mates from the earlier seasons, but take this most recent season in Sydney. The fact that none of those catty white bitches or their abrasive male roommate will ever be incarcerated just wreaks of injustice. These people make the contestants on Beauty and The Geek look well-adjusted.

-I really, really want Gus Johnson to read my eulogy. Even if I spend all my days sitting in my office, then retiring for the night to sit in front of my television, if he can make some of these games over the weekend watchable then certainly he could turn my life into a Hollywood movie.

-Weighing out the options for each season, we think summer has favorable viewing over the fall. This summer we have Mad Men, It’s Always Sunny, Weeds, Conchords, Entourage (meh) and usually Rescue Me but we seem to recall it being pushed back a full year as a result of the writer’s strike. In the fall, and we are listing these as if the writer’s strike never took place, we are privileged to The Office, Survivor, Curb, South Park and The Wire just ended.

We have no idea what new series’ will be unveiled next October, but as it stands currently, our favorite comedy (It’s Always Sunny) and our favorite drama (Mad Men) air during what is widely considered the “off season” for television. I think it’s safe to say, we clearly shouldn’t be writing a television blog.

Back with links or something tomorrow.

Basketball consumed all of our time and interest last night. Unless you find our trip to the gym and subsequent shower nudged between work and tourney watching to be riveting prose, I’m afraid we have nothing really worth contributing from our personal lives. So, we had to go hunting. Ladies and gentlemen, here is approximately your forty-third batch of links from this website in the short calendar year.

So, Prison Break is now beheading characters during contract disputes, then finding loopholes to return the character once the actor’s negotiations are completed. Man, that is an entirely plateau of leverage. Can you imagine if this were physically possible, how many series producers would take this route with contract renewals, “Well Rainn Wilson, don’t get us wrong, we would like to have you back. We really would. But right now Dwight Schrute’s head is rolling past the Chili’s and is about to exit Scranton if you fail to except this offer. So (leans in dramatically), what will it be?”
Anyhow, the narrative of the series will be that it was someone else’s head that was liberated from his/her body (gasp). Brilliant. I think its been made abundantly clear, but I can’t form into words how much I despise this show. They’re now stealing from middle-tier South Park episodes.

There’s only one way for the Schrute Buck to increase in value.

Lord help us, there is talks of a Hills movie. For those who don’t know, The Hills is a reality series following the grand tradition of MTV shows that celebrates vapid, entitled late teens to mid-twenties girls. My question is, what would the time frame be on a movie like this? I know it’s probably predominately scripted in the first place, but if it takes the better part of a year to fill 100 minutes of screentime, then maybe MTV could find better personalities to make television and (apparently) movies about. There are enough stints of dead silence on one of these episodes that I would feel like I was watching an Antonioni film if it wasn’t for the noticeable overtones of idiocy implicit in every one of them.

Kyle Chandler has joined the echo chamber, and is confident in FNL’s return. We wonder how he’ll take to the new management style.

Hal Holbrook, reprising his role from The Sopranos (not really), will yet again play a terminally ill patient. But this time it will be on ER and probably played a little more melodramatically as well.

Speaking of The Sopranos, David Chase was honored by the WGA with a lifetime achievement award. I guess they felt he needed at least one more honoring, just for good measure. All the while David Simon sits at home with an empty mantle. This could explain Simon’s newspaper plot in his final Wire season, maybe this is all just sour grapes that regardless of his substantial contributions to whatever field he is in, he is always overlooked. I’m kidding, of course. But it would be quite ironic if some sort of tape leaked with him lamenting the lack of an Emmy nomination.

Speaking of Mr. Simon, here’s a trailer for his HBO miniseries slated for July. We were going to watch anyways, but with Tobias Beecher and Ziggy Sobotka carrying much of the acting burden, we’ll gladly do David Simon’s bidding and hammer it down your throats.

Tina Fey wants everyone whose ever been on television or in a tabloid to make a cameo on 30 Rock. Have you been on your local affiliate catching a foul ball at a minor league baseball game or at a cookout performing the heimlich on a relative? Then give Ms. Fey a call, she can probably find time to squeeze you into an episode.

That’s it for a dreadful week in episodic television. We’re going to be honest, we probably won’t be setting the world on fire next week either.

With nothing worthwhile on television last night and still being a little under the weather, we succumbed to something we never thought we would ever succumb too. Now, I have to throw a bunch of qualifiers into the mix before I announce what we watched last night: not only was I feeling sick but I am being heavily medicated, there was no NBA on and we didn’t have any netflix. Now without the option of a viable alternative, we did something we never thought we were capable of: we watched Beauty and The Geek.

But that isn’t the humiliating part of the story, that comes in the fact that we actually kind of enjoyed it (currently we are drinking Jameson at work we are so depressed by this, it’s a good thing we’re unarmed, otherwise there would be no telling what we’re capable of). It did seem to conjure up some bad memories for the geek faction of the contest, in fact we were downright mortified for them during the challenge portion of the episode.

First of all, a little exposition for those who are unfamiliar. Beauty and The Geek, at least this season, took approximately ten classically attractive women and ten socially challenged guys and pitted them against each other in various forms of competition. Whichever team loses in whatever that week’s contest is, are subject to elimination by the other team, who nominate approximately half of the losing team for an elimination round. Supposedly just being in the limited confines of a mansion in Los Angeles is supposed to create a bond between the beauties and the geeks? We’re really not sure.

Your teams, respectively.

Anyhow, the challenge this week was a football game at the Coliseum between the geeks and the beauties. Yes, a football game. Just what the team of geeks needs, a reinforcement of why they are there in the first place by pinpointing a significant reason why these geeks are often considered geeks: under-achievement in competitive sports. It’s bad enough they were forced to play football against their will, but then against a team of physically fit girls, also reinforcing part of the reason they might have trouble attaining such women in the first place. At least if the played the actual USC football team no one would blame them if they got hammered.

The game itself was almost painful to watch. One guy actually had to be assisted off the field by the medical staff after one of the girls tackled him, then another was bitched at by one of the more aggressive beauties for blocking too hard. It really struck me as a lose-lose for them, but since one beauty and one geek risked elimination by switching teams, they were forced to try and win for their new teammate brave enough to switch alliances. And the geeks lost in convincing fashion: 24-12.

The format only got worse from there. As they lined up to decide which geeks the beauties were going to send to the elimination round, we discovered that they were now going to divy up the contestants in pairs consisting (obviously) of one beauty and one geek, but since there were only seven beauties and eight geeks because the beauty who joined the geeks football team was eliminated via losing the game, one of the geeks wasn’t going to be picked and thus sent packing.

The decision to go all Sadie Hawkins on them seemed exceptionally cruel. All these guys’ insecurities probably stem from adolescent/high school experiences similar to this one, they might as well have tied them to a flagpole and gotten it over with. Still, there are redeeming qualities to the show. We’re not sure if the series is always so cold, but we’re also wondering if the people are always so decent, as that’s not usually par for the course with reality programming.

For the most part, it seemed like basic human decency takes hold on this series. There wasn’t any mocking of stupidity of the women or of the shortcomings of the men, everyone was just….accepting. Which is something foreign on any reality show we’ve ever seen. While the humanity of it was provided by the contestants (one girl even waited outside for the geek injured during the football game to come home from the hospital), the producers seemed intent on begrudging all of them for their flaws. Somehow this was circumvented by everyone being exploited.

We probably won’t make this appointment viewing, because we struggle to do that with any reality TV, even Survivor, which we’ve been recapping since our inception. But the series did have heart, a vaguely original premise and managed to be humorous at times, usually not at the expense of those participating. If this were the standard for reality television, we might not mock it so mercilessly.

South Park recap tomorrow.

Not for nothing, but we were impressed with last night’s Survivor, even if it was one team completely destroying another (I was kind of hoping the favorites would lose as comeuppance for getting rid of Yau-Man prematurely, but that wasn’t the case). And the idol discovery was probably the best they’ve had since its inception, probably because it was done so effortlessly and secretively. Cirie should have known better considering all the traveling through water that the retrieval entailed. Considering how easy the clues were for seemingly everyone but Ami, the only real challenge here was the foot and aquatic travel, and no one is swimming from one island to the next quicker than Ozzy.

But anyhow, you may have noticed were not doing the Wire recap in our usually designated spot. This is mostly the result of us having watched episode 59 a couple times since, and hoping to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone without backtracking and watching episode 58 again so we know what not to include. And even though we could probably avoid this just by doing it from memory this fine Friday morning, we’re at work and don’t really have the time. So, as is our motto, here are some links:

It would seem that Charlie Sheen called Ryan Seacrest to assist in halting the production of his estranged ex-wife’s reality show. While I can understand Sheen not wanting to have his kids exploited in any way (though they clearly haven’t dodged that pickle), does Seacrest really have any pull? It would be like calling Bill Bellamy at MTV to prevent Daria from airing in the early 90’s. Oh, or remember The Maxx? Yeah, like everything it may be on youtube, but I’ve got that shit on VHS.

Probably the coolest cartoon of all time.

A bit of a Wire teaser for you, and absolutely do not watch this if for some reason you haven’t seen any of this season or episode 58: an interview with the child actors who play Bug and Kenard for some Baltimore radio show. They seem to be cast in their respective roles for a reason, as Bug has to be forced into talking while Kenard just does so without any suggestion. And my apologies for not knowing their actual names, but they’re peripheral characters and I’m not even sure if they’re in the opening credits.

An interview with Michael K. Williams, the above bold print applies to this link as well.

Oh, and just so no one’s upset when they flip to HBO on demand Sunday night at midnight and do not see the new Wire episode posted: it’s because it won’t be, at least not until after it airs on HBO. So if you’re like me you have two full weeks (or 13 days and 21 hours if you want to get technical about it) in between the penultimate episode and the ninety minute finale.

More evidence that despite my hatred for ABC, it’s the best run network of the four: they’re now offering on demand services. While this is a great service, I’m just not sure how many times over I can watch the same Dancing With The Stars episode. This does affect ratings though, look at The Wire as case in point. I doubt ABC will post episodes a week in advance, but if people feel like they can tune in at their convenience, fewer people are going to watch when Nielsen’s are being measured.

Speaking of the pay network, here is HBO’s intro from 1983. See I told you everything is on youtube. This thing is so fucking dated they do everything but have a narrator hype the age of colored television.

Registration is required for this article from the LA times, but it pleads the case for a total revamping of the Oscars. We don’t really understand this prevailing attitude. They had limited time to prepare because of the writer’s strike, the movies were mostly obscure indie-flicks that the overwhelming majority of the movie going public did not see, and they were four hours long. Can’t we just chalk it up to a disappointing year for the Oscars and move the fuck on? Do full articles from national publications about the shortcomings of an awards show really need to be penned? Well, yes, I have been watching this Wire season, why do you ask?

I love this article about the misguided attempt from HBO to post Wire episodes a week in advance on demand. We’ve mentioned consequences of this before and this article is nothing more than validation, because it does seem to lead to premature online leaks and contributes to probably thousands of loyal fans being unwillingly spoiled (either from said leaks or message boards). We try to keep it really discrete around here as we never watch online episodes, but are on the on demand schedule. There is only one episode left that no one but critics and show creators have seen, so it’s too little to do anything about it now, but hopefully with their next critically acclaimed series they’ll keep the interests of their fans in mind.

For girlfriends who would find it entertaining if their boyfriends killed themselves, here’s an article tossing around the idea of a hybrid Friends and Gilmore Girls movie. Sure it’s all fun and games now, but how do you think a Bratz movie gets made?

Speaking of suicide, which is always a cheerful topic, if this woman from Moment of Truth doesn’t leap off the Chrysler Building then she’s getting off easy. Cheat on your spouse? Yeah, whatever, obviously you’re not the first. Completely humiliate and berate him on national television about your infidelities, well, that’s an entirely new breed of satanic. I guess it’s appropriate that the question she lied on was, “Are you a good person?” Also, I’m completely OK with the FOX entertainment branch being burning to rubble.

And finally, SNL is preparing another Obama-Clinton sketch for this upcoming episode. While we watched last week and chuckled a couple times, it is really hard to watch the sketch comedy show trudge along knowing how great it was from 1991-1998 or so. The sketch that Senator Clinton awkwardly invoked in her debate on Tuesday didn’t really strike me as all that hilarious because it lacked any sort of nuance (like every SNL skit from the past six years), and seemed to actually believe that Clinton’s recent primary woes have been the sole result of media bias.
Obviously the media likes him over her, it’s undeniable, but she has a solid amount of journalist advocates and the lambasting she’s received (if you can even call it that) is nothing compared to what they’ll do to McCain. Somehow we doubt the vitriol from Clinton supporters will be as venomous.

Anyhow, before we get too far off track, look for the Wire recap later this weekend.

Remember how yesterday I’ve mentioned I’ve led a charmed life? Well, for some people that isn’t good enough, apparently, because Simon Cowell is publicly berating the Oscars for not inviting him to their self-congratulatory film awards, saying it “reeks of snobbery”, is “ridiculous” and they think he’s the “Antichrist”.

To begin the rundown of all the things utterly and inarguably wrong with this, I like the notion that he claims it “reeks of snobbery”. This is coming from a man with no musical background that I’m aware of, who systematically rejects people from performing on a stage with nothing more than a whim-based opinion. Did Simon have a good meal before arriving on set? Well, that improves your chances. If Simon got laid beforehand, thank your lucky stars because for at least a few minutes afterwards he won’t be so overtly bitter. For someone whose entire show revolves around his elitist subjectivity, this is definitely the Euro-trash celeb calling the more popular kids’ kettle black.

I’d worry less about the Oscars and more about buttoning up that shirt.

A few more things about this: First, it seems that when he’s on the business end of a decision he is knocked off his A-game. Secondly, why would he want to go to the Oscar’s in the first place? There isn’t any disillusioned high-schoolers there to make fun of, and the thing regularly lasts about three and a half hours. Honestly, even if it is something you would like to attend and aren’t allowed, it’s embarrassing enough that I think you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Thirdly, how fucking entitled can a reality television personality be?

The man makes $40 million a year to throw vague, rehearsed insults at people too nervous or too shy to retaliate, through this process manages to become a television icon and then proceeds to complain when he isn’t invited to what the film industry considers their most prestigious event? It’s rare I’ll defend those in Hollywood who treat events like the Oscars as something that has any significance whatsoever (I’m not even sure that is what I’m doing here), but fuck Simon Cowell.

He works in television and is a millionaire probably close to a hundred times over at this point and still finds room for professional dissatisfaction? He is well on his way to being the British Donald Trump, a recognizable face for no discernible reason or talent that everyone takes seriously because he’s somehow managed to accumulate power and wealth, but laughs at him behind his back because otherwise he would be cartoonishly non-threatening. If there was any justice in the world David Simon would make Simon Cowell like money.

But alas, America loves their fame whores. He’s essentially Paris Hilton with a sharper tongue, or a successful Andy Mellman who never developed a conscious. Shit, at least neither of them wallowed to the public over not being invited to the Oscars. You’re a television personality, you’ve never worked in film (at least not regularly) and the Oscars are about creative endeavors, something you’ve never been apart of. Go swim in your pool of gold coins and quit acting like you were fucking slighted in any way.

Welcome to what I can recall as the coldest day of the year in my fair city. You know how in some places, snow is actually accompanied with a degree of festivity? Like Chicago? Or Denver? Yeah, well, Columbus isn’t like that. All the snow and frigidly cold weather does is keep car thief’s and campus hooligans indoors, but the rest of the city is exponentially more miserable than they were when we had clear streets. So, if we’re a bit more petulant today than usual, please take it with a grain of salt. Thanks.

With the weather being how it is, we stayed in last night and caught the last twenty minutes of our fallen Grid Effect regular, Nip Tuck. It appears the series has now delved into incest. And not “haha, George Michael wants to sleep with Maebe” incest. But rather Matt is sleeping with Christian’s long lost daughter, and though they first did it unknowingly (and Christian doesn’t seem wise to the fact this girl is supposedly his daughter), even with the knowledge that they’re related, they fully intend to do it again. It’s good to see the producers aren’t desperate or anything.

We thought this was novel and will be unintentionally hysterical: MTV is going to hold a Real World awards show. We didn’t read the article because it sounds so ridiculous, but we imagine awards will be donned out for, among other categories: “Sluttiest”, “Craziest”, “Most Volatile”, “Most Docile”, “Most times drunkenly collapsing in public”, “Most Camera Time”, “Most club appearances post-Real World stint” and “Most children out of wedlock”.
We wonder if they’ll actually be able to pull most of the old timers away from whatever it is they’re doing right now. I mean, they couldn’t even get Dominic and Aaron from season two for a reunion leading into the fourth (maybe fifth) season…This is leading into the 20th. Good lord, even Television Without Pity quit recapping their episodes about two years ago. But that’s what MTV likes about them high school girls, they get older while the girls stay the same age.

We’d venture to guess that the entire Vegas cast finds time to reunite. Again.

Denise Richards pitch for a reality series has officially been greenlit by who else? E!. If not E! then obviously VH1. This raises an interesting question though: Who do you consider to be the more vile human being, Mike Vick or Denise Richards? The former brutally tortured and murdered canines for his own sick amusement. The latter throws her preschool aged kids on national television to upstart her pathetic, middling, acting career. Hmmm, it’s probably still Vick (After all, Richards isn’t murdering her children, just subjecting them to a lifetime of ridicule and therapy), but we’ll be damned if it’s not only by a nose. We said it once and we’ll say it again, you have to be really fucked in the head to make Charlie Sheen look like the good guy in a custody battle.

We’ll send you people out on a high-note: a sort of “behind the scenes” look into the Colbert and Stewart-O’Brien mock feud. We haven’t gotten a chance to watch it with volume, but it looks damn funny. Were sure their was plenty of European ethnic and height jokes, but ever since The Office went into hiatus we can’t think of anything funnier we’ve seen on television (unless you include the dark humor on The Wire). Personally, we prefer what Colbert did in wake of the strike by just interviewing more people (virtually one interview for all three of his acts) since he excels at improvisation, whereas Stewart just seemed to increase his commercial length.

Anyhow, enjoy. We’ll be back tomorrow with a Survivor recap.

A couple highly rated programs are on tap tonight, so we figured it convenient to preview this evenings network lineups. We didn’t watch any television beyond the OSU-PSU basketball game and rewatch the new Wire episode, so we are left with little material. Anyhow, though we aren’t exactly fans of anything airing, there is a variety of options to choose from so why not do an overview?

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
Our feelings about this show have been made quite clear. But this week, we hear if you pick out a suitcase containing $100,000 or more, Howie Mandel douses you in that head slicker he liberally shines his dome with. Of course, that could always just be Mandel perspiration, in which case we wouldn’t wish that on anybody. See, if they actually did the former we might watch, but the show probably has to be moved to Nickelodeon for anyone to be doused with anything.

9-11pm: Law and Order
Two different episodes, probably a remarkably similar premise. We imagine a coed turns up dead and the main suspect is the boyfriend. In fact, they know it’s the boyfriend. Why? Because she was such an incorrigible bitch when they were dating (in TV Land, this qualifies as motive). But we are all stunned when it turns out to be her landlord or something. Who tearfully (yet comically) confesses while testifying that he didn’t mean to kill her…just scare her because she lead him on and he offered her a discounted rent as a result. This is surely how these episodes will go.

For those who don’t know, when Richard Belzer isn’t disparaging conservative politicians on Real Time, he plays a homicide detective on NBC.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
Oh My God! Two families with different lifestyles and different approaches to domestic duties switch matriarchs, and combative hilarity ensues, culminating with one of the husbands crying and one of the children cursing their TV mom.

9-11pm: Lost
Two hour season premiere, bitches. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on. Actually, our enthusiasm is a farce, we can’t stand this show. Apparently they’re going to run notes across the screen telling you facts about each of the characters, which is about the laziest narrative structure imaginable. What good are these facts if they never materialize on screen? It could just be footnotes from past seasons for new viewers they’re anticipating (due to the writer’s strike), but either way it strikes us as tacky. Oh, and ABC is referring to this as an “enhanced version”. Meaning, if you were lucky ABC would always put into text what they can’t fit into plot.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
If you want to see a middle-aged British man cut seventeen year-olds down to size because they are unfit to compete on an elaborate talent show, no one does it better than American Idol. Its genius is its simplicity. Tonight they’re in Miami, so he’s bound to put some impoverished immigrants in their place to the amusement of the masses.

9pm: Moment of Truth
Unlike its lead-in, at least the people get paid for the national exploitation. Of course, after the divorce and other inevitable legal issues, that take-home prize will probably be swallowed up by lawyers. Still, the chance for a pay day is there.

CBS

8pm: The New Adventures of Old Christine
The show that supposedly broke the Seinfeld curse that nobody watches. If Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t gotten an Emmy for her role on this after it was already canceled a couple years ago, this show would have been long forgotten. Instead, Elaine gets a bullshit Emmy on name recognition and it continues to haunt the airwaves for two more years. Anyways, there are two episodes on tonight.

9pm: Criminal Minds
If these shows even remotely resembled the country we lived in, one would assume that the U.S. had a Gaza Strip level of violence and you are lucky if you make it to work alive. Tonight’s episode details the investigation of home invasion murders, which will probably be treated like another day at the office. Christ, even The Wire treats a home invasion murder as something out of the ordinary, and it is set in fucking Baltimore.

10pm: CSI: NY
“Mac and the team find human blood on the crown of the Statue of Liberty, leading them on a race against time to save a famous musician from death at the hands of a vigilante.”

This is the episode description on CBS’ website. It sounds more like Treasure Hunters than a cop procedural. Of course, nothing about any CSI has ever resembled a realistic crime investigation.

Enjoy your bevy of options. While we’re not going to watch any of this, at least there is a wide variety of material, even if it’s all easily dismissed.

After staying up until 2am waiting for HBO to post the new Wire episode on demand, we called it a night. Problem being, we are dead tired and keep drifting off at work, so we’re sorry if this post doesn’t thrill and amuse.

Two series’ this website is incredibly favorable of, Weeds and Mad Men, have both received exemptions from the writer’s strike. Supposedly they cut a deal with their respective production companies or something? I don’t know, I wouldn’t be surprised if enough high ranking members of the WGA liked these two shows enough that they decided to let it slide.

Nielsen ratings for The Wire continue to fall, and I have one question for those who may be concerned with this, does it really seem like fewer people are watching the show than at the end of the fourth season? All the people I know who watched it still do, and all the blogs, websites, message boards, etc. I visit all have the same frequency of posts/comments. Does anyone know if DVR/Tivo recordings and On Demand views are factored into these ratings? I sincerely doubt it. Also, some dickhead leaked the first seven episodes online, so several loyalists aren’t even using HBO to watch the episodes.

Let me extrapolate on this point to vent, I like that the episodes are posted earlier On Demand, but between that, the online availability of episodes that have yet to air, and the regular showing on Sunday nights, it makes the series impossible to talk about with other fans. If you talk to seven people, they’re at six different stages in the season, so every conversation is bogged down in a series of qualifiers such as, “well, have you gotten to (fill in this scene here, and just asking about it spoils the series)?”, and “I know you’re not up to this point, but…”. For someone who likes to dissect every facet of every episode, I’d probably simply prefer it if they did away with all the On Demand shenanigans and advanced copies, and force me to watch every Sunday night. If not for myself, then for everyone whose been incidentally spoiled and for the series’ ratings (even though they’re kind of irrelevant now).

Speaking of The Wire, Lance Reddick has gone from the critically acclaimed series, to Oz, to movies that share a name with a Norm McDonald comedy to Mercedes commercials and now to FOX pilots. While we have no doubt this project will sink like a stone, it’s always good to see good actors from legendary series’ get more work. Anyone seen JK Williams (Bodie) sine he was shot dead on his corner? Didn’t think so. That kid should be able to find work solely for his spit takes.

The king stay the king, Bodie. Until he’s murdered, then someone else is the king.

Here’s wishing Roger Ebert all the best after yet another surgery. His Great Movies List has provided me with countless entertainment recommendations for slow weekends over the years, we need to see another hundred added to that list before it’s all said and done. We also hope he regains his voice and makes it back to his show, which has been influencing our theater outings for about seven years now.

So apparently, and this is going to come as a huge surprise, Americans love them some schaudenfruede, as evidenced by 24 million people watching Moment of Truth. If only everyone’s personal and domestic conflicts could be aired on national television, we would all be so happy. Maybe there should be some sort of mandate on this to help pull us out of a looming recession: if you have some deep-seeded secret or revelation you’re planning on making to a family member/close friend, it must be done on Fox, so we can have a cast of judges humiliate you more than you could possibly humiliate yourself. Though I will give the series credit, it takes balls to invite Roger Clemens onto a show with such a premise. There is no telling how that ‘roided up entitled freak will react.

And finally, to send you out of here on a sour (or positive, depending on your perspective) note, ABC has cut a third of their fall pilots for 2008. Not pulling any punches, the network is taking a meat axe to the union, who seems to have gotten in over its head. I think this might mean that the end is nigh for October Road.

Back tomorrow with something other than a Nip Tuck recap tomorrow.

No more than four months ago we were tussling between what to watch and what to record amongst Mad Men, The Office, Survivor and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia on Thursday nights. A myriad of options that usually carried Colbert and Stewart into lunch the following day.

Now, with the onset of The Strike and the season’s ending for many of the above series’, we have a clean slate. Nothing we feel obligated nor compelled to tune into. So we figured Thursday’s would be a choice day for a “what’s on tonight” post. Just to illustrate the dearth of options we are left with.

East coast bias effects the time zones on this site as well as the BCS.

NBC

8pm: My Name Is Earl
Not much to say about this series that hasn’t already been said. We do tend to think it’s one of the more overrated comedies to come around in awhile, but they try their hand at some original material and maintain a decent Nielsen rating, so more power to them, even if the show has somehow made Jaime Pressly a “credible” actress.

8:30pm: The Office
The first half of one of the many much maligned hour long episodes this season, “Dunder Mifflin Infinity”, where Ryan lays out his plan to modernize the fledging paper company. Which might not be a terrible idea, Sterling Cooper isn’t as behind the times as Dunder-Mifflin.

If the writers and producers could meet this degree of maturity, we might be watching a new episode tonight.

9pm: Celebrity Apprentice
Have yet to watch a millisecond of this, but all I can tell you is that Lennox Lewis, Gene Simmons and Jennie Finch are all on this…And that is probably the most depressing thing I’ve ever written on this site. Three people who were all great at one thing or another clinging desperately to a semblance of fame. Kind of reminds me of this.

10pm: ER
Yep, hasn’t been canceled since the last time we did this segment.

ABC

8pm: Ugly Betty
So a girl who’s aesthetically pedestrian according to the fashion world earns everyone’s respect through her adorableness and persistent work ethic? Is that the premise of this series? Because if so, then the consumers of such a lie need a reality check. Has anyone seen the Ali G episode where Bruno interviews several designers and critics during fashion week in New York? Yeah, those people aren’t exactly open-minded.

9pm: Grey’s Anatomy
The series that probably keeps us motivated to stay single! Seriously, watching this show makes me fret for humanity. It’s like going into a strip club, except with the exact opposite target audience.

10pm: Big Shots
It’s back! The canceled series is going to air the rest of there vaulted episodes. This is good for anyone who finds emasculated, whiny, rich, white men or ball busting peripheral female characters appealing. It’s like Cashmere Mafia except the ball busting women are the series’ focus. Is there a point in time where people will stop greenlighting this redundant tripe?

FOX

8pm: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
This is a reality show racing to see which is the more exploited demographic: the “genius” kids because they’re probably on the show against their will, or the moronic “adults” who are competing against kids who want nothing to do with this spectacle. My guess is the adults, because if you fail miserably on this show it’s something that you die with people remembering. The kids? Well, they have several years of therapy to look forward too, but that’s more a result of negligent parenting than anything else.

9pm: Don’t Forget The Lyrics
Haha, oh man. People attempting to remember the lyrics of some pop songs, and when they inevitably fuck it up they get mocked out by Wayne Brady and the pathetic live audience. Whew, what a hoot!

CBS

8-11pm: Without A Trace, CSI, Without A Trace
Do not have the time nor patience to mock the same show twice, or three times really. So we’ll just let clumping them altogether in the same category speak for itself. If you can give me one thematic or narrative difference between these two series’, then we will apologize profusely. But as our understanding is now this is like watching two Adam Sandler movies, then rewatching the former.

Okay, so television series’ have taken a hit recently. Still there is plenty of basketball to be watched and a litany of good to great movies out. We recommend one of these alternatives until the WGA and the studios make some progress.

Wire and FNL recaps tomorrow.

Yawn. Well, unless you watch American Idol or are into the ongoing tale that is the writer’s strike then this week in television has been dire in its lack of versatility. Fucking reality shows, man. Any time they want to get this trash off the air and bring back something at least scripted, if awful, they won’t get any complaints from me. Anyways, here are some links…

Not everyone feels the same way we do, apparently, as FOX’s The Sarah Connor Chronicles took in a little over 18 million in nielsen’s. We haven’t acknowledged the existence of this series since our fall preview and were kind of hoping it would just fade into the wind so we wouldn’t have too. Since, you know, there are three movies available on Netflix that chronicle a very similar story, if not a complete replication. But hey, do not ever underestimate American’s love for familiarity. That’s why restaurants have regular customers and fans have favorite sports teams. It doesn’t explain why everyone cheats on their spouse nowadays, but we’ll take it one loosely based metaphor at a time.

Ellen Degeneres beat out Oprah as America’s favorite television personality. This is probably the result of openly siding with a political campaign, but my guess is Oprah could give a fuck if you like her or not. If she wants to get away from you, she has like two miles of land separating her abode from the nearest street. If this were medieval times, you couldn’t even reach her house with a cannonball. In other words, she could put Gravel in office and tell the rest of us to piss off.

Everyone’s favorite communism indoctrination machine for children is celebrating its fiftieth anniversary. If you aren’t aware of the Smurfs as being just that from your childhood, we suggest you go back and watch an episode or two, the themes aren’t all that subtle. Personally, I’m just disappointed that we didn’t see any Smurfs in “Imaginationland”.

Do you see Papa Smurf? He has everything but a fucking cigar in his hand.

Barak Obama, whose on record as saying The Wire is his favorite series on television, has now included Omar as his favorite character, but is quick to dismiss his criminal lifestyle. Does anyone that watches the series, then mentions a favorite character, actually condone the actions of that character? Sure, there are some: Lester, Daniels, Bunny, etc. But if someone is partial to Stringer or Marlo or Snoop or Omar, is anyone actually suggesting they admire their lifestyle? This is the problem with contemporary politics, you have to convey obvious points about your favorite fictional on screen characters that are obvious.

This is either a clip from Reality Bites or Jon Stewart is interviewing Conan O’Brien on his old show. It’s virtually impossible to distinguish the two.

Disappointing story about Chad L. Coleman (better known as Cutty on The Wire) working in a grocery store and unable to find acting work as a result of the strike. He seems content with it, but we’re not. Someone who turns in a performance that honest and uplifting (difficult to do on such a series) should have roles thrown at him, instead he’s punching a clock.

Chile is entering the fold by becoming the fourth country to import The Office, just to make sure Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant can buy their own jets instead of having to share one. They are the first South American country to create a David Brent and could open up a whole network of possibilities for Gervais and Merchant to export their fifteen episode series too.

Alright, we’re going to wrap it up here. There is plenty of news worth mocking and maybe we’ll get to more of it later in the day, but right now were tired and somewhat depressed about the current headlines, so we’re going to cut our losses and actually do some Grade-A paper pushing.

As in, if you were sitting in front of your television last night, you were most likely appropriately entertained, just not by anything we’d banter about on this site. Yes, between the Iowa caucus (’? We have no idea if that’s plural since both parties are involved) and the numerous sporting events, if television was your thing last night you were either watching what I was between poker hands, or reruns of series’ or NBC, which as we’ve already discovered wasn’t putting out anything original, but it was all new!

At least FNL makes a return tonight, and while we’ll be well on our way to New Orleans by then, it’s at least refreshing to know that a series that was once great but has been relegated to the stigma of mediocrity will have a brand new episode waiting for us when we return. Other than that: The Wire. We have done all we could to refrain from mentioning it until the recap of the season five premiere and we’re not going to spoil anything, but if you’ve never watched the series and are looking for something to occupy your time over the strike, season five’s premiere is just the 51st reason why it’s worth getting the season one DVD’s.

Speaking of which, if you people think I’m obsessed with this series, here’s a bit of over-analysis on the promotional page. I never really understood fretting of this nature, why not just wait until all the episodes air (or at least the first one), then attempt to deconstruct the series? It’s not going anywhere, and I suppose part of the motivation is ego: “See how intelligent I am? I knew how the story would play out just by looking at the promotional ads!” Ruining the series for me isn’t going to prove your foresight to me, I’m just going to assume you’re a total asshole.

Yet another classic series to watch in lieu of the strike, except Cupid isn’t yet on DVD but has apparently been posted all over youtube. We remember the series when it was on: it stars Piven (who was distinct enough that we remember him quite vividly) and Paula Marshall (the chick who shit in the hot tub on Nip Tuck and wanted Sean to watch her sleep with a black guy). Really, we can only remember one specific bit about the series: remember when Larry David had the run in with the paraplegic in “The Bowtie”? Well, they lifted that bit from this series.

The returning Survivor members making up the “favorites” team for next season has been unveiled. And while there is no Tom, Yul, Yau-Man or Earl (probably the four favorite castaways from recent memory), they did bring back Jonathan Penner, the guy from the Yul season who was pigeonholed into jumping from one alliance to the next, but was still somehow held accountable from the team he was forced to abandon despite the fact that he explained the situation to them before he cast the, for all intensive purposes, deciding vote. Also from that season: Parvati. Which is good, because we’re pretty certain she’s working the corner if not for this show.

Two of these five people will be returning.

Law and Order is crossing the pond to London. If it’s anything like Match Point or Clockwork Orange, then we’re expecting a lot of ineptitude.

Trump is promising to cutback the rampant product placement on Celebrity Apprentice that previous seasons where noted for. And really, that has nothing to do with why we’ve stopped watching the series, he could walk around in a Ronald McDonald suit with a dozen I-Phones all day and we couldn’t care less. It’s the unlikable casts, the nonsensical dismissals and the apparent lack of humanity in it all. But yeah, reduce that profit you get from unabated corporate sponsors who double as personal friends, that will keep them tuning in.

And finally, there is so much noise about the return to late night television that we will just leave it at this: nothing has changed. Leno still trounced Letterman in the ratings drawing a 5.8 to Letterman’s paltry 4.7. We’re still partial to the underdog and are certain that the only rationale for this continuous ratings discrepancy is a deeper bevy of audience draws Leno has, being in SoCal and whatnot.

This is it until Wednesday, sorry we couldn’t be any more eventful before a five day hiatus but there is really no reason to be reading this blog, or watching any series’ for that matter.

We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that New Mexico authorities have dropped their case against CBS and there morally just and noble reality series, Kid Nation, Apparently unable to find any criminally negligent behavior. And this isn’t all that surprising, its not like this is the first time the media has inflamed a situation for ratings, especially when the headline besmirches one of their competitors.

And really, if you just look at the surface elements of the story, the whole thing was just preposterous. I mean, when have corporations ever been known to use children and circumvent labor laws? It’s absurd to even suggest. Corporations are our superiors, they have more money, therefore the people who run them are better people. That’s irrefutable. New Mexico officials will be lucky if God doesn’t smite them for trying to involve their betters.

They look malnourished.

We have yet to watch the show, but we’re sure it’s just good clean fun and absolutely nothing salacious took place. They were cleared of all charges and should be acknowledged as such, but the head of the article calling the whole fiasco “much ado about nothing”, might be a little unnecessary. If law enforcement had good reason to believe the show was misusing its participants, and all those participants are between the ages of 8 and 15, I think the American public would appreciate some insight.

It appears that a thorough investigation was done, nothing illegal or improper was found (other than the entire premise of the show) and no permanent harm was caused to any of the involved parties. So, keep on keeping on, Kid Nation. this is obviously the type of series that we thought would show up on FOX, but CBS really stepped up to the plate on this one; lowering the bar for standards just a little bit more.

We’ll try to come back with something a little more uplifting after lunch.

Happy Monday campers, hope all was well in your neck of the woods. They were pretty ecstatic in Columbus all weekend. And if you don’t know why, then obviously college football is not your bag.

Enough pleasantries. The title of this post might be somewhat befuddling, though I suppose all television could be considered exploitation on some level. But auctioning off immigrants desperate to stay in the US legally for the sake of some absurd reality series is probably the biggest indicator that the strike needs to end as soon as possible.

Yes indeed, the concept is being shopped around to all the networks. And if you think for a second FOX isn’t going to adopt this series, you’re kidding yourselves. This is right up there alley. Does it have a subtle conservative tinge to it? Check. Is it shallow and absolutely degrading to its participants? Check. And, last but not least, would the dumbest fuck you know regal the show’s happenings the following day? Check.

The future of television lies in this picture. My money is on the bear.

If that doesn’t sound like a FOX reality series, then I don’t know what does. And in the sake of fairness, it bares mentioning that they have yet to sell the series, but pardon me for jumping the gun. If shows like “Man vs. Beast”, “The Littlest Groom” and “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” can all get picked up by the network to denigrate US citizens, then I have no doubt they’ll do the same to immigrants, legal or otherwise.

Back shortly with something a little more encouraging.

First off, let me preempt this post by saying I’m not even a rabid fan of The NFL. This website is a college football supporter (we tend to find the NFL a little too corporately hypocritical and serious for our sports entertainment), in fact, if it wasn’t for fantasy football we would watch the first few weeks of the NFL, sleep in and such weeks 6-14, then watch the last three weeks and the playoffs with a modicum of interest until the Eagles lost. So, needless to say, any sports fan can appreciate this series, it isn’t tailor made strictly for NFL fans.

And that was evidenced by the premiere. For those who do not know who Herm Edwards is, he was the former coach of the New York Jets. When the team was slumping a few years back, a reporter asked him about the possibility the team is tanking the season to ensure a high draft pick that was to follow. Edwards lost his damn mind and started screaming repeatedly, “you play to win the game!” Since The Jets fought back that season and actually made a decent playoff run, it is now a go-to quote whenever anyone questions the motives of a player or coach, and as sports personalities are wont to do, this outburst is perceived as some insightful prose that embodies the NFL psyche. Yeah, completely misconstrued.

Not to take anything away from Herm, he is a respectable NFL coach, hallowed by many for his ability to maximize the value of his players and is a great motivator. However, his ability to read/manage a clock has arguably cost him several pivotal games over the years, and it seems to all tie in, in some weird, convoluted way that I’m entirely too tired right now dissect. But his beaming, sometimes unintentionally funny personality is only the tip of the iceberg.

We have former girlfriend beater Larry Johnson, holding out to renegotiate his contract and at the time working out with college and professional football whipping boy, Brady Quinn, who just can’t seem to avoid the public eye. Kyle Turley, a disgraced offensive lineman who defended his onfield infractions a few years back by saying Aaron Brooks, a quarterback who’s suffered several professional hardships over the years and was Turley’s teammate at the time, was screaming like a “little girl” when Turley rushed to his defense. One of the lesser known players described his mini-camp lifestyle being that of a prison, then was shows playing “Guitar Hero” moments later. This is Hard Knocks.

Other highlights include Brody Croyle epitomizing every stereotype I’ve come to believe about those from the deep south (”the weddin’ time is a stressful time on the women-folk”), and his wife, whose name I’ve managed to forget, embodying everything I regret about not attending an SEC school for my worthless English degree (Honestly, I can categorically say that she looked better than any coed Ohio State had/has to offer). And another no-name player dancing in a remarkably disturbing manner (akin to that of your common exotic dancer), much to the bemusement of his teammates. It was quite possibly the most latently homosexual behavior I’ve ever seen in a locker room. And that is some stealth competition.

Again, this series isn’t built strictly for your NFL fanatic. It definitely doesn’t hurt to be familiar with the personalities, but if you simply enjoy mocking professional athletes, you can definitely get some entertainment out of Hard Knocks. Much like any reality show, there is a bevy of worthwhile embarrassment here.

Mad Men recap coming after lunch.

Not much happening recently to discuss here. Last night was all reruns, I am really not in the mood to do a network fall preview and my disdain for putting links up two days in a row has left me with a tremendous burden. Maybe I’ll just find one link and extrapolate on that…

…Here we go! Everyones favorite media whore and gold digging divorcee/amputee is looking to get back in the limelight of competitive reality. If you haven’t heard or figured it out, Heather Mills is looking to compete on the British series Dancing on Ice. Now, I can understand her appearance on Dancing With The Stars to a certain extent. It’s in the US, with a (regrettably) enormous international stage, to the best of my knowledge it was the first time she had ever done something of the vernacular, and though we like/love The Beatles here in the states, we don’t have the same intense kinship with the fab four that they have across the pond.

But if she goes on this ice skating show, well, then it just comes off looking a wee bit pathetic. If all you can find is work on reality shows that you are only qualified for because you were married to the man you are currently attempting to take to the cleaners… well you’re not going to extract much sympathy, missing appendage or otherwise. Again, here in stars and stripes land, we tend to be quick to forgive, especially if the person seeking forgiveness/approval is performing in a dance competition with only one human foot. But I get the impression that in England, you can slight just about anyone outside of the Royal Family and The Beatles, and you will eventually avoid the publics scorn.

Heather Mills, however, does not fall into this category, and I’d take that into consideration if I am her agent or manager. These shows are performed in front of studio audiences, they have a stealth amount of tabloid coverage and like stated before, they can all be pretty unmerciful when you’re figuratively raping one of the countries icons and the face of rock ‘n roll.

Of course, this is all wild-eyed speculation. I have never been to London nor do I know any Brits, my only second-hand connection to this whole ordeal is reading comments sections on internet reports from various British websites. But rightly or wrongly, the reaction has been less than understanding and if they are indicative of the nation at large, I would advise Miss Mills to reconsider. We don’t need hooliganism on television that isn’t directly related to a bunch of guys kicking a ball around, she seems to be a divisive enough figure to spark such an incident.