Grid Effect

A few more links to close out the day. We’re not trying to say that we are beholden to the concept, in fact more than anything else in the world we would like to distance ourselves from the posting format. But, even though we’re elated it’s 4th of July weekend, it doesn’t make us anymore creative. As Stringer Bell might say, same as it ever was.

You’re not going to believe this, but studies indicate that women comprise 85% of ABC’s online viewing audience. And here I was all this time, thinking the traditional alpha male fell in love with shows like October Road, Eli Stone & Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The times they are a changin’, indeed.

Denis Leary, Elaine Benes & Marc Cuban will be three of many that donate their voices to this upcoming season of The Simpsons, increasing the popularity of the historic show’s irrelevance. Their was about a five year stretch wherein The Simpsons was the premiere comedy on television, but for the past eight years or so it has been dying the slowest death imaginable. Just imagine if Seinfeld was still making new episodes how tired they would seem, then multiply it by ten. That’s where we’re at with The Simpsons. God, this is just depressing, moving on.

Hey, you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes of bizarre, repetitive though I’m sure technically sound episode of South Park? Well, wait no longer my belabored friend, the feature is now available on their website with the episode “Major Boobage“. We weren’t particularly fond of the episode, but its worth a look never the less.

Finally, there will be some reasonable conflict on Entourage. It appears the high life the four protagonists have been living for four seasons will be deflated a tad as they struggle to make a lavish living. Given, its not The Wire, we don’t have people struggling with heroin addiction or anything. But if the series is going to stay on the air, we appreciate the minor alteration.

If you haven’t seen any Mad Men episodes and yearn to potentially help boost their DVD revenue, you can watch the pilot episode online. We would highly recommend this, but without an outlet to watch the rest of the series, if you’re not into buying DVD’s there isn’t much point. If you need a superficial reason to watch, an entire episode could be Christina Hendricks washing her car and we’d be sufficiently entertained.

Speaking of which, its almost imperative to the future of AMC that you buy the DVD, since they dropped $25 million promoting the second season. “We’re treating this like a movie opening” says the marketing president for the network. And I could see the benefits of that, but do most movies spend $25 million in promotions?

And finally, fresh off his oddly miscast role as Abomination or whatever the guy’s name was in The Hulk, Tim Roth is heading to the small screen with the FOX pilot Lie To Me, in which he plays a “human lie detector”. Simply put, this will probably be melodramatic tripe. My question is, whose decision was it to cast the bellboy from Four Rooms as a martial arts expert in the military, because it was surreal.

That’s it until Monday, have a great fourth. We recommend celebrating your country’s independence by blowing up a small piece of it.

We’ve never done one of these for a Friday or Saturday night. One, because these two nights are generally where series’ go to die. Two, even if they weren’t, no one watches television on weekend nights, and if they do, the viewing preference tends to be either sports or film. And three, it’s rare if there are even series’ on any of the major channels, usually it’s some sort of variety show or a five year old movie. So doing a preview for that always seemed pointless, but that is where we are with this television blog. Willfully writing posts we know are pointless. And even more so than usual!

NBC

8pm: Most Outrageous Moments

We’ve commented on this series before, as we did not really understand the context. But it looks like it is the exact same format as America’s Funniest Home Videos with a more ambiguous title and wholesome show host. Not exactly our cup of tea, but we understand its mainstream appeal, few Americans find anything funnier than someone repeatedly being kicked in the groin. “Haha, he’ll never be able to bear children. It’s hilarious!”

9-11pm: Dateline

We’re not avid viewers of the magazine journalism series, but if you look at its webpage, it seems like the show’s sole reason for existence is to make you believe that everyone you see in public poses some imminent threat. To which I say: Good for them. We do not have nearly enough paranoia in this country. I’m just glad to see someone has taken up the cause of keeping us all on our toes.

ABC

8pm: AFV

Alright, this is actually an abbreviated acronym for America’s Funniest Home Videos. Why is it abbreviated? Well, because there is no “H” for home. Where did the “H” go, though? They probably did some market research that revealed that people do not respond kindly to the letter because it reminds them of “Hussein”, or people do not like four letter acronyms because they’re generally the territory of some fringe lobbyist group, like PETA.

Anyhow, the strike has brought us home video shows going head to head in a primetime slot. The ramifications of this are yet to be determined. We’ll have to wait a few years to see if this is a good thing that it’s at least done on a Friday night, or if it’s a bad thing that it’s taking place at all.

9pm: According To Jim

Back to back repeats on a Friday night….Well, it’s good to see our evening plans have been made for us. Few things are more rewarding on a warm Summer night in June than curling up on the couch to watch a full hour (with commercials!) of G-rated “That’s what she said” jokes.

10pm: 20/20

Outside of According To Jim, NBC and ABC are essentially mirror images of each other tonight. If I’m planning on watching any of this swill tonight, I’m going to NBC for my wacky “caught on camera” clip show, then heading over to ABC for the superior TV journalism, and that is despite my intense hatred for all things ABC.

FOX

8-10pm: White Chicks

One day they’ll look back and say, “those were the glory days”.

Wow, FOX isn’t even trying. I mean, they are mailing in an entire evening of subpar ratings with a subpar movie that no one watched when it came out. Get ready to be destroyed by According To Jim reruns. I mean, they could have at least sprung for Deuce Bigalow. It’s still tripe, but it’s tripe that drew a decent box office.

CBS

8-10pm: Ghost Whisperer

It appears Friday night in June is repeat night for the networks. Unless you’re doing hard-hitting journalism like investigating a murder that took place ten years ago, you are going into the vault. Speaking of Ghost Whisperer, we mentioned earlier that Friday night is where network series’ go to die, so is the Jennifer Lover Hewitt vehicle the longest running Friday night series of all time? It’s been about five years, has anything in recent history even come close without being moved to a more desirable slot? there’s a feather in your cap, Miss Hewitt.

10pm: Numbers

Yes, I’m aware the title has the number “3″ in place of the lowercase “e”. But we’re not quite willing to acknowledge that as part of the lexicon. Sorry Numbers fans. Anyhow, we’re familiar with this series for one reason and one reason only, this is the series that pulled Diane Farr off of Rescue Me. The lone interesting (albeit often hypocritical) female character in the firehouse (or on the entire series, really). So fuck you, Numbers. Being on Friday night means you’re not long for this world and we couldn’t be any happier.

Those are your options for tonight. If you’re like most people, and you like to get out one night and stay in on the other during your weekends, we recommend getting out tonight, because tomorrow literally can’t be any worse.

Also, one quick note before parting ways, Alan Sepinwall’s second Wire recap has been posted. If you were a fan of the series, we strongly encourage reading not only this one, but all of them. As far as we know, no one has dissected the first season episode by episode. At least not in this detail. Enjoy.

Slow, slow TV weeks ahead. With no Office, Survivor or South Park, the next TV event we’ll write about is probably Recount which airs next Monday. Unless we start dating someone with Showtime, we should be on hiatus from all television series until Generation Kill in July. So, here is the first of what’s sure to be many links posts over the next couple months.

Ian Ziering, one of the cast members from the original 90210, is now a MySpace “star”. Funny, because I thought the term “star” implied that you were recognizable to the mainstream, not that you developed a miniseries then put it on your MySpace page. Because if that is the case, my niece is a “star” as well. Poor guy. Although he was probably sick to death of her, he went from being married to this, to developing an internet show that virtually no one realizes exists.

Jerry Springer officially apologized for the Jerry Springer Show, presumably because he’s running for office in the near future. He’s so sorry and was so aware that the show was contributing to the decay of culture in this country, that he starred in a film satire about the whole thing.

Portia de Rossi (Lyndsay Bluth) is marrying Ellen Degeneres. One of these two is marrying up, but I’m not really sure who. We have no barometer for things like this with same-sex couples, probably because they often seem too content to worry about such matters.

Aside from them both being women, this matrimony will probably be a lot more traditional than anyone will give it credit for.

Probably the best indicator of how poor these network crime dramas are in terms of character development, is how interchangeable the actors are, and cliche and ridiculous their characters descriptions tend to be.

The fourth season of Weeds is at least partially set in South America, and here are photos from it! We still haven’t seen but the first two episodes from the third season and we have them queued up on Netflix for their June 3rd release. We might due a brief synopsis of the third season before the fourth airs, simply for lack of anything else to do.

In a tragic blow to the film industry, Jimmy Fallon is retiring from the big screen to focus on his late night career. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, including Jimmy Fallon having a late night talk show and Jimmy Fallon having a movie career to retire from. I don’t think the nation understands the impact of this decision. This means no more Taxi, and no more minor Hornby. You know you’ll miss him when he’s gone.

And finally, some actress is going to be playing some doctor that “challenges” Sean on the next season of Nip Tuck. One, I can’t believe this shit was renewed. Two, “challenges” for an actress in Nip Tuck land means she collects penises and sells them on the black market in a third world country or something. Say Adios to your member, Sean, it’s not like you ever used it all that often, and the few times you did you were brow beaten by every other character on the show. So, maybe it’s for the best. Maybe now we can get along to a storyline that doesn’t resemble every other storyline the series has had.

And on that note, have a great day.

The Office finale is tonight, rendering us speechless that we’ll actually spend a full hour tonight watching a comedy that we are looking forward too. I saw a preview on Leno last night with Rainn Wilson as the guest introducing it, and if that clip was an indication of how the episode will go, then we’re optimistic for the finale. One of the characters ends up leaving, and though who that is, is implicit in the episode title, we are not in the business of spoiling anyone before an episode has aired. But lets just say that he’s a writer, and I’m sure he will be intricately involved in this alleged spinoff, set to air in 2009.

In the meantime, here are some links. We really pity anyone who reads this site, there are probably about 1,236,632 other TV sites that have more committed approaches than we do at this one as they seem to watch more television. But let us sum that up in three words: fuck that shit. Encouraging people to watch Gossip Girl is something we can’t condone much less participate in.

Not that we expected anything from CBS to really set our world on fire or for them to Stand PAT in the fall, but what they’re offering seems exceptionally bad. For the three pilots they describe in the article: one’s a ripoff of Meet The Parents, one is a ripoff of Psyche and the other is a carbon copy of every relationship sitcom ever made. You know, if they are going to essentially steal from everyone else, you think they would be a little more relevant than a TV show no one watches on USA and a movie that’s over ten years old. Just sayin’.

For God knows what reason, Kelsey Grammar gives a shit about his now canceled FOX sitcom, Back To You. Considering the guy is set for life, has to be pushing sixty years old and the show was at best getting a marginal Nielsen and kind of lukewarm critically, you’d think he’d almost be in a hurry to get off the air with that so as not to tarnish his legacy. But no. He wants everyone to see what no one has seen, and the only reason no one has seen it is because everyone assumes it will be unpleasant. That’s conviction most people lack, which we admire; but it’s like continuing the bank robbery even after you’re surrounded by a SWAT team: it’s probably better to just cut your losses and accept the fact that you failed.

In a stunning development that is shocking the world, left-wing politicians are upset with a Hollywood project. Specifically, HBO’s new original movie Recount about the 2000 presidential election. Apparently it makes them look like complete and utter pussies (while most likely simultaneously making the right-wing look bat shit crazy, but they’re used to it), which democrats are probably tired of being labeled as. We haven’t seen the movie as it doesn’t air for another couple weeks, but our interest has peaked. And I promise both sides of the aisle that when I review it on here, I’ll be sure to point out how ridiculous both of you are.

Obviously, he’s a democrat.

Dana Delaney, whose been in such hits as The Right Temptation and Exit to Eden, will continue her role on Desperate Housewives into next season. This is despite her storyline ending this season, which means she’ll be narrating from beyond with a couple flashbacks here and there. See, if you combine all of the five minute stints we’ve watched of that show, it probably comes out to around an episode and a half of the series, and we already know what’s going to happen.

And finally, according to the San Fransisco Chronicle, it’s officially been proven that sitcoms literally rot your brain. Now, there is a lot of variances of sitcoms these days. If Arrested Development and South Park rot my brain, then let me say that 1) I don’t believe it for a minute and 2) Even if they did I wouldn’t give a shit. If you’re watching shit like Big Bang Theory or Rules of Engagement (or to disprove our bias, It’s Always Sunny), then sure, this study is irrefutable. But simply because it’s packaged as a half-hour comedy on television, doesn’t mean by default it turns you into some zombie shut-in. Sure, that is predominately the case, but there are exceptions.

Office recap tomorrow.

Welcome back to the work week, kids. That was a helluva television weekend, unfortunately, none of it consisted of weekly series’. And why would it? If it was a great weekend for TV, it generally means that television series were explicitly not involved. Why? Because 90% of television series suck donkey nuts. We actually tried to watch twenty minutes of Desperate Housewives because we were burnt out on NBA around 9:15 or so, and it was just repetitive, poorly-acted crap.

Actually, “Desperate” is probably the appropriate adjective in this case. The twenty minutes we watched consisted mostly of Eva Longoria battling with her newly blind husband’s seeing eye dog for domestic supremacy. Eventually she gives it back to the shelter or whatever that she took it from and the dog follows her back home, only to lead to one of the more cliched scenes we’ve ever watched on television in which the dog finds its way back home, shows up at the window seal and begins barking, only for his wife to “hilariously” lie about his reappearance when the husband asks if that barking is coming from his dog and not the neighbors. It just struck me as the type of scene that this show has done a hundred times before. Except with a dog and a blind man, it is an unwitting boyfriend/husband and a guy in a closet. Or with some sort of borrowed appliance and the owner wanting it back.

But that didn’t lower the bar as much as the next scene we caught. A cop pulled over a girl for speeding either earlier in this episode or the episode beforehand, he follows her to a park and acts real ominously in asking if he can sit down. At first he sounds like he is going to try and get some sort of intimate compensation for letting her out of the ticket, until he asks about her mother and ultimately reveals that he is, indeed, her father.

It was just the least surprising surprise one could possibly imagine, and it was stretched out over close to five minutes. Ugh. Just horrible pacing and storytelling, especially if someone who doesn’t watch the series can guess what is going on within 30 seconds of what is probably considered a revealing scene. Given how much this show thrives on “twists”, my guess is that by the end of the season, everyone will discover that while he is actually her father, he tried to throw her off the Empire State Building when she was six months old. He came across as way too menacing to be an innocent on this show.

Anyhow, if this is the best Sunday night has to offer without HBO, then it is going to be a long five months, as they are going on hiatus until the fall. Really, it shouldn’t be too bad. NBA playoffs run until June, Generation Kill picks up shortly thereafter, and then we’ll have about a two month stretch of virtually no redeemable television on Sunday nights. Be prepared to break out the violins for this blog, because it is going to be in some dire straits, even more so than it is now.

This nonsense is not getting it done.

And really, more so than this blog’s well being, we’re worried about our weekly Sunday schedule, which generally consists of sitting around idly watching movies or sporting events (not an option in July and August), exercising at some point, eating a steak, the idly watching some HBO original programming. If HBO makes us do shit on the night of the sabbath, we might have to form our own picket line.

Consider this an endorsement and an indictment of the pay cable network. One on hand, they are responsible for the two greatest series of all time according to this website (just guess), a pop culture phenomenon (Sex and The City), one of the better comedy series’ ever (Curb), and countless other achievements (Deadwood Six Feet Under, Real Sports, Costas Now, etc.). And television in general is so fucking terrible that it’s generally the only salvation of the medium.

On the other hand, people pay hard-earned money for their product, and the only new series they have coming out for the next five months is a miniseries about the Iraq war, and episodes of Real Sports peppered throughout the months. To top if off, their last four original efforts have been mediocre at best and inexcusable at worst (In Treatment, Tell Me You Love Me, John From Cincinnati, Lucky Louie). We love what HBO has given us in the past, and the potential for what they have to offer. And while we are looking forward to Generation Kill as much as, anybody, probably, we don’t think we can justify paying for movies we’ve already seen in theaters or from Netflix for the next five months, while waiting for season premieres to air.

Yes, this is all a result of the writer’s strike. And yes, for the run they had through the earlier part of the decade they are allowed a few clunkers afterwards (note: all the good will they built up is officially gone). But if they literally aren’t even giving us something to mock, then it might be time for us to sideline the network.

At least until the fall.

This has been a long week here at Grid Effect. The last four days have taken us to task between work hassles, posting hassles and a lack of quality material to post about, the fact we haven’t gone any sort of rampage has been sort of surprising. Even to us. But at least Survivor gave us a decent episode last night, even if it was one of the more depraved things we’ve seen on the series in awhile it restored our faith in the concept of justice on a reality show, despite the fact that Cirie is still there. So here is a fresh batch of links as you prepare for what is sure to be a long day of work or not going to classes.

Proof that politicians will do anything for a vote, John McCain actually put on airs that he watches The Hills, although I’m 90% sure he isn’t aware of how ludicrous that his, since he has no idea what The Hills entails. This is like the time in the fourth grade some classmate asked me if I spit or swallow and I had no idea what the hell he was referring too. The only difference is, I abstained from answering.
We suppose he did so for the “endorsement” from one of the cast members (I’m not even going to do her the favor of writing out her name), but if he ever watched the show he would know that the only people who take this person seriously aren’t old enough to vote or are college-aged girls who claim to hate this girl but watch The Hills every week.

Friday Night Lights is officially coming back to NBC, but not until 2009 and the episodes will air after Direct TV airs them in the fall of 2008. Jesus, talk about getting pwned. I mean, I like the series and all, but for the sake of NBC, I’d probably just pretend I didn’t want the series anymore and then cry myself to sleep every night.
Alan Sepinwall speculates that since so many people use cable over Direct TV, if their will be a spike in illegal downloads for those too impatient to wait for the NBC debut. And in fact, he is absolutely correct, whatever limited support the series gets is going to be spread too thin from everyone watching at different times and paces. Now call me crazy, but I think we’ve encountered something like this before.

So We can either wait to see these two on NBC, or download new episodes on Rip Torrent as they air on Direct TV? Seems like a question that answers itself.

First Mad Men announces their pilot season release on DVD, and now The Wire announces their DVD’s will be made available in August. We will most certainly be splurging for both, but we’d love to see a spinoff series that involved characters from both shows. Everyone would be so confused!

Some guy at the Times wonders why HBO doesn’t remake a series like Skins, a supposed dark teenage series on the BBC. We’re not certain or anything, but we’d like to think that despite HBO’s run of failures as of late, they still have a modicum of decency and standards. Of course, Tell Me You Love Me would suggest otherwise.
Besides, HBO has never been in the business of lifting ideas or series’ for other networks, so it really isn’t terribly surprising they haven’t gotten desperate enough to go for anything like Skins. And am I missing something, or isn’t this eerily similar to Kids, the beyond retarded movie made in 1995 that caused all the fuss over at MTV. Yeah, if it’s still hard too determine, I’m unimpressed with Skins.

See you Monday, kids. Enjoy the final four.

Now that was some shitty basketball, my friends. All the casual NCAA tournament fans are surely happy with the results, but other than them, the games were insufferably boring and the outcomes too disappointing for too much jubilation. Four one seeds are going to San Antonio? Surely it’s what some people want to see, and historically when a lower seed makes the final four the games themselves turn out to be a disappointment; but I could really give a fuck which of these teams wins a national title.

Also, I know this is a television and not a sports blog but I’d like to point out that while Bill Self finally reached the final four, he and his Jayhawks weren’t called upon to beat a team ranked higher than a nine seed to do so. They won the games that they were asked to win and you can’t knock them for variables out of their hands, but they might want to give a shout out to the selection committee as well.

Anyhow, we have absolutely nothing of interest to write about. The best we can do is a list of random thoughts and observations from the weekend. Here it is:

-There hasn’t been any CBS promotions quite as obnoxious or sleepless night inducing as the infamously creepy Baby Bob campaign from 2002. But shows as mundane and repetitive as How I met Your Mother or CSI bring their own brand of irritability to the table. Mainly, how far the sitcom has fallen that HIMYM is considered “good”, and David Caruso probably makes close to a million an episode for a replica series of a replicated franchise.

Alright CBS, you win. We admit it, this shit still haunts our dreams.

-Here’s a slide show of former Real World cast members and, you’re not going to believe this, but as people age, they tend to gain weight and lose their complexion. This holds true even for reality TV stars. See? They are just like us.

-Speaking of The Real World, doesn’t it feel like more of these people should end up in prison. Not necessarily the house mates from the earlier seasons, but take this most recent season in Sydney. The fact that none of those catty white bitches or their abrasive male roommate will ever be incarcerated just wreaks of injustice. These people make the contestants on Beauty and The Geek look well-adjusted.

-I really, really want Gus Johnson to read my eulogy. Even if I spend all my days sitting in my office, then retiring for the night to sit in front of my television, if he can make some of these games over the weekend watchable then certainly he could turn my life into a Hollywood movie.

-Weighing out the options for each season, we think summer has favorable viewing over the fall. This summer we have Mad Men, It’s Always Sunny, Weeds, Conchords, Entourage (meh) and usually Rescue Me but we seem to recall it being pushed back a full year as a result of the writer’s strike. In the fall, and we are listing these as if the writer’s strike never took place, we are privileged to The Office, Survivor, Curb, South Park and The Wire just ended.

We have no idea what new series’ will be unveiled next October, but as it stands currently, our favorite comedy (It’s Always Sunny) and our favorite drama (Mad Men) air during what is widely considered the “off season” for television. I think it’s safe to say, we clearly shouldn’t be writing a television blog.

Back with links or something tomorrow.

Basketball consumed all of our time and interest last night. Unless you find our trip to the gym and subsequent shower nudged between work and tourney watching to be riveting prose, I’m afraid we have nothing really worth contributing from our personal lives. So, we had to go hunting. Ladies and gentlemen, here is approximately your forty-third batch of links from this website in the short calendar year.

So, Prison Break is now beheading characters during contract disputes, then finding loopholes to return the character once the actor’s negotiations are completed. Man, that is an entirely plateau of leverage. Can you imagine if this were physically possible, how many series producers would take this route with contract renewals, “Well Rainn Wilson, don’t get us wrong, we would like to have you back. We really would. But right now Dwight Schrute’s head is rolling past the Chili’s and is about to exit Scranton if you fail to except this offer. So (leans in dramatically), what will it be?”
Anyhow, the narrative of the series will be that it was someone else’s head that was liberated from his/her body (gasp). Brilliant. I think its been made abundantly clear, but I can’t form into words how much I despise this show. They’re now stealing from middle-tier South Park episodes.

There’s only one way for the Schrute Buck to increase in value.

Lord help us, there is talks of a Hills movie. For those who don’t know, The Hills is a reality series following the grand tradition of MTV shows that celebrates vapid, entitled late teens to mid-twenties girls. My question is, what would the time frame be on a movie like this? I know it’s probably predominately scripted in the first place, but if it takes the better part of a year to fill 100 minutes of screentime, then maybe MTV could find better personalities to make television and (apparently) movies about. There are enough stints of dead silence on one of these episodes that I would feel like I was watching an Antonioni film if it wasn’t for the noticeable overtones of idiocy implicit in every one of them.

Kyle Chandler has joined the echo chamber, and is confident in FNL’s return. We wonder how he’ll take to the new management style.

Hal Holbrook, reprising his role from The Sopranos (not really), will yet again play a terminally ill patient. But this time it will be on ER and probably played a little more melodramatically as well.

Speaking of The Sopranos, David Chase was honored by the WGA with a lifetime achievement award. I guess they felt he needed at least one more honoring, just for good measure. All the while David Simon sits at home with an empty mantle. This could explain Simon’s newspaper plot in his final Wire season, maybe this is all just sour grapes that regardless of his substantial contributions to whatever field he is in, he is always overlooked. I’m kidding, of course. But it would be quite ironic if some sort of tape leaked with him lamenting the lack of an Emmy nomination.

Speaking of Mr. Simon, here’s a trailer for his HBO miniseries slated for July. We were going to watch anyways, but with Tobias Beecher and Ziggy Sobotka carrying much of the acting burden, we’ll gladly do David Simon’s bidding and hammer it down your throats.

Tina Fey wants everyone whose ever been on television or in a tabloid to make a cameo on 30 Rock. Have you been on your local affiliate catching a foul ball at a minor league baseball game or at a cookout performing the heimlich on a relative? Then give Ms. Fey a call, she can probably find time to squeeze you into an episode.

That’s it for a dreadful week in episodic television. We’re going to be honest, we probably won’t be setting the world on fire next week either.

Some links for the day. This might be a recurring theme this week with just about all decent television taking the week off so as not to interfere with the magnificent beast that is the NCAA tournament. And by “all decent television” I mean Survivor. South Park should still be on Wednesday.

Apparently there was a series called The Return of Jezebel James on FOX at some point, and apparently they have also canceled this series. That’s a shame, you know? It would have been great if it was on air long enough for me to actually know it existed. Given how television works nowadays, this was probably the next Mash or something because great shows seldom generate an audience anymore.

Jezebel James starred these two…I’m already a fan.

Ryan Seacrest wants to “rule television”, this is eerily similar to LeBron James’ aspirations to be a “”Global Icon”. Listen guys, you’re a TV host and a basketball player, there is only so much either of you can do from the line of work you have chosen. Disney rules television, Seacrest, alright? You’re just a fucking patsy. And LeBron? There are no more global icons, because everybody hates everyone else. Don’t make me go all Arthur Jensen on a fucking television blog.

Prison Break’s fourth season is ready to shoot. That is going to be a helluva payoff when they finally make their escape. Unless it’s like Life and the series is a collection of multiple failed attempts.

Christopher J. Clanton, better known as Savino to Wire fans, was stabbed coming out of a Baltimore night club. Here’s wishing him well in his recovery and acting career, which probably won’t take off anytime soon since the only outlet for black actors now that The Wire is off the air is McDonald’s commercials.

If you fancy yourself a fan of Daily Show alumnus’, here’s Colbert and Carell on The Dana Carvey Show.

And finally, you know what is a good barometer for fame and power in this country? When your dog dying makes the news. If you had a pet at some point during your tenure as a celebrity and it passed without making any headlines, then you should be officially barred from The Oscars.

Back with more of the same tomorrow, I imagine.

It appears George Lucas is working on a new television series he is referring to as a cross between Sopranos and Deadwood…in space! On the surface this sounds like quite possibly too retarded from a guy who still lives off a trilogy he completed a quarter of a century ago, but then we recalled what the prequel trilogy entailed, and well, we decided that his description probably isn’t a misquote.

What can we expect from something like that? I’m picturing a bunch of Italians eating lasagna and drinking wine in a rusty saloon with shotguns and androgynous females. Maybe that is too on the nose, maybe it is something like a gang of wookies that speak with Italian accents in a mining town that is too close to the sun. That sounds just right. Essentially, its going to be like the bar scene from Star Wars but with an abundance of humans.

Imagine them all holding lightsabers. Yeah, that’s a fucking goldmine.

If almost anyone else had said this it would be a laughing stock, not something that everyone anticipates with great vigor. I’m going to announce a project that crosses Mr. Baseball and The Deer Hunter, it’s set during a war in the US after a Japanese baseball player is drafted in a coalition effort. The baseball player forms a bond with his fellow soldiers and crazy high jinks ensue on many battlefields in a war torn country. Amidst all the strife, he teaches his fellow soldiers — among other valuable life lessons — not to take the war so seriously before they are all killed in an air strike. Genius. It’s tragic and zany.

For every word that I hear this guy say and every project he has announced, I am all the more grateful that Annie Hall beat out Star Wars for best picture in 1977. It’s not like Woody Allen has been on his A-game for the past twenty years or anything, but Crimes and Misdemeanors, Sweet and Lowdown, Mighty Aphrodite and Match Point alone make for a better post magnum opus career that anything Lucas has been apart of, and I’m not even including his work from 1978 to 1987.

Maybe we should stop rewarding projects to people who never demonstrate any consistency. If you are kind enough to take a gander at his IMDB page, you will notice that it is extremely, almost obnoxiously long, but outside of Star Wars movies and I’ll throw Willow into the mix, is there anything else that received commercial or critical praise? Don’t get me wrong, Howard The Duck has its qualities, but by no stretch of the imagination is it considered a success.

Whatever, all the Star Wars films (even the most recent three) grossed more money than the GDP of most African countries, so he’s always going to get film and television deals and that is just a reality. Until he doesn’t, and then we’ll see the prequel “remastered” to match the quality of modern day film (South Park covered this mockery quite aptly). But when this project ultimately disappoints, just like so many others he has been apart of, do not complain that you weren’t forewarned.

Not for nothing, but we were impressed with last night’s Survivor, even if it was one team completely destroying another (I was kind of hoping the favorites would lose as comeuppance for getting rid of Yau-Man prematurely, but that wasn’t the case). And the idol discovery was probably the best they’ve had since its inception, probably because it was done so effortlessly and secretively. Cirie should have known better considering all the traveling through water that the retrieval entailed. Considering how easy the clues were for seemingly everyone but Ami, the only real challenge here was the foot and aquatic travel, and no one is swimming from one island to the next quicker than Ozzy.

But anyhow, you may have noticed were not doing the Wire recap in our usually designated spot. This is mostly the result of us having watched episode 59 a couple times since, and hoping to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone without backtracking and watching episode 58 again so we know what not to include. And even though we could probably avoid this just by doing it from memory this fine Friday morning, we’re at work and don’t really have the time. So, as is our motto, here are some links:

It would seem that Charlie Sheen called Ryan Seacrest to assist in halting the production of his estranged ex-wife’s reality show. While I can understand Sheen not wanting to have his kids exploited in any way (though they clearly haven’t dodged that pickle), does Seacrest really have any pull? It would be like calling Bill Bellamy at MTV to prevent Daria from airing in the early 90’s. Oh, or remember The Maxx? Yeah, like everything it may be on youtube, but I’ve got that shit on VHS.

Probably the coolest cartoon of all time.

A bit of a Wire teaser for you, and absolutely do not watch this if for some reason you haven’t seen any of this season or episode 58: an interview with the child actors who play Bug and Kenard for some Baltimore radio show. They seem to be cast in their respective roles for a reason, as Bug has to be forced into talking while Kenard just does so without any suggestion. And my apologies for not knowing their actual names, but they’re peripheral characters and I’m not even sure if they’re in the opening credits.

An interview with Michael K. Williams, the above bold print applies to this link as well.

Oh, and just so no one’s upset when they flip to HBO on demand Sunday night at midnight and do not see the new Wire episode posted: it’s because it won’t be, at least not until after it airs on HBO. So if you’re like me you have two full weeks (or 13 days and 21 hours if you want to get technical about it) in between the penultimate episode and the ninety minute finale.

More evidence that despite my hatred for ABC, it’s the best run network of the four: they’re now offering on demand services. While this is a great service, I’m just not sure how many times over I can watch the same Dancing With The Stars episode. This does affect ratings though, look at The Wire as case in point. I doubt ABC will post episodes a week in advance, but if people feel like they can tune in at their convenience, fewer people are going to watch when Nielsen’s are being measured.

Speaking of the pay network, here is HBO’s intro from 1983. See I told you everything is on youtube. This thing is so fucking dated they do everything but have a narrator hype the age of colored television.

Registration is required for this article from the LA times, but it pleads the case for a total revamping of the Oscars. We don’t really understand this prevailing attitude. They had limited time to prepare because of the writer’s strike, the movies were mostly obscure indie-flicks that the overwhelming majority of the movie going public did not see, and they were four hours long. Can’t we just chalk it up to a disappointing year for the Oscars and move the fuck on? Do full articles from national publications about the shortcomings of an awards show really need to be penned? Well, yes, I have been watching this Wire season, why do you ask?

I love this article about the misguided attempt from HBO to post Wire episodes a week in advance on demand. We’ve mentioned consequences of this before and this article is nothing more than validation, because it does seem to lead to premature online leaks and contributes to probably thousands of loyal fans being unwillingly spoiled (either from said leaks or message boards). We try to keep it really discrete around here as we never watch online episodes, but are on the on demand schedule. There is only one episode left that no one but critics and show creators have seen, so it’s too little to do anything about it now, but hopefully with their next critically acclaimed series they’ll keep the interests of their fans in mind.

For girlfriends who would find it entertaining if their boyfriends killed themselves, here’s an article tossing around the idea of a hybrid Friends and Gilmore Girls movie. Sure it’s all fun and games now, but how do you think a Bratz movie gets made?

Speaking of suicide, which is always a cheerful topic, if this woman from Moment of Truth doesn’t leap off the Chrysler Building then she’s getting off easy. Cheat on your spouse? Yeah, whatever, obviously you’re not the first. Completely humiliate and berate him on national television about your infidelities, well, that’s an entirely new breed of satanic. I guess it’s appropriate that the question she lied on was, “Are you a good person?” Also, I’m completely OK with the FOX entertainment branch being burning to rubble.

And finally, SNL is preparing another Obama-Clinton sketch for this upcoming episode. While we watched last week and chuckled a couple times, it is really hard to watch the sketch comedy show trudge along knowing how great it was from 1991-1998 or so. The sketch that Senator Clinton awkwardly invoked in her debate on Tuesday didn’t really strike me as all that hilarious because it lacked any sort of nuance (like every SNL skit from the past six years), and seemed to actually believe that Clinton’s recent primary woes have been the sole result of media bias.
Obviously the media likes him over her, it’s undeniable, but she has a solid amount of journalist advocates and the lambasting she’s received (if you can even call it that) is nothing compared to what they’ll do to McCain. Somehow we doubt the vitriol from Clinton supporters will be as venomous.

Anyhow, before we get too far off track, look for the Wire recap later this weekend.

Remember how yesterday I’ve mentioned I’ve led a charmed life? Well, for some people that isn’t good enough, apparently, because Simon Cowell is publicly berating the Oscars for not inviting him to their self-congratulatory film awards, saying it “reeks of snobbery”, is “ridiculous” and they think he’s the “Antichrist”.

To begin the rundown of all the things utterly and inarguably wrong with this, I like the notion that he claims it “reeks of snobbery”. This is coming from a man with no musical background that I’m aware of, who systematically rejects people from performing on a stage with nothing more than a whim-based opinion. Did Simon have a good meal before arriving on set? Well, that improves your chances. If Simon got laid beforehand, thank your lucky stars because for at least a few minutes afterwards he won’t be so overtly bitter. For someone whose entire show revolves around his elitist subjectivity, this is definitely the Euro-trash celeb calling the more popular kids’ kettle black.

I’d worry less about the Oscars and more about buttoning up that shirt.

A few more things about this: First, it seems that when he’s on the business end of a decision he is knocked off his A-game. Secondly, why would he want to go to the Oscar’s in the first place? There isn’t any disillusioned high-schoolers there to make fun of, and the thing regularly lasts about three and a half hours. Honestly, even if it is something you would like to attend and aren’t allowed, it’s embarrassing enough that I think you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Thirdly, how fucking entitled can a reality television personality be?

The man makes $40 million a year to throw vague, rehearsed insults at people too nervous or too shy to retaliate, through this process manages to become a television icon and then proceeds to complain when he isn’t invited to what the film industry considers their most prestigious event? It’s rare I’ll defend those in Hollywood who treat events like the Oscars as something that has any significance whatsoever (I’m not even sure that is what I’m doing here), but fuck Simon Cowell.

He works in television and is a millionaire probably close to a hundred times over at this point and still finds room for professional dissatisfaction? He is well on his way to being the British Donald Trump, a recognizable face for no discernible reason or talent that everyone takes seriously because he’s somehow managed to accumulate power and wealth, but laughs at him behind his back because otherwise he would be cartoonishly non-threatening. If there was any justice in the world David Simon would make Simon Cowell like money.

But alas, America loves their fame whores. He’s essentially Paris Hilton with a sharper tongue, or a successful Andy Mellman who never developed a conscious. Shit, at least neither of them wallowed to the public over not being invited to the Oscars. You’re a television personality, you’ve never worked in film (at least not regularly) and the Oscars are about creative endeavors, something you’ve never been apart of. Go swim in your pool of gold coins and quit acting like you were fucking slighted in any way.

Were back from the weekend, finally. And I have to tell you, nothing sucked the life out of me quite like that Oscar blog. I’ve lived a relatively charmed life, so when I say that’s the closest I’ve been to any sort of torture, you know I’m being serious. It’s about what I imagine being an Al-Qaeda detainee is like, except for the longterm physical abuse and potential death. But it was bad enough that we couldn’t bring ourselves to post yesterday without a specific topic, which we seldom have nowadays.

So here are a few links, the first three days of the week are turning into a mini-preseason. We gear up for writing about Survivor and The Wire by reusing and rehashing the same tired gimmicks over and over again. And though we feel as if we’ve perfected these gimmicks about a year ago, there still might be some benefit in this repetition. Not really, but that’s how we kid ourselves, and we’ll be damned if anyone can take that away from us.

The Oscar’s had their lowest rating since the inception of ratings. “Only” 32 million people tuned in, and while it’s the lowest rating since 1974, the fact that they got 32 million people to watch that tripe is impressive. How often do 32 million people ever do anything simultaneously?

If you’re looking for an endless amount of HBO teasers, well, look no further. It appears the cable network has fully embraced the glory of new media by creating their own youtube page. This is the perfect way for them to lure in non-subscribers to pay for something they probably can’t afford.

Few non-murderers/rapists disgust me more than Heather Mills, and the fact she can actually make me care about her either way I suppose is why she keeps being rewarded for her contribution to the downfall of humanity. Yes, Ms. Mills is parlaying her barely a marriage to Beatles icon Paul McCartney into a cooking show. For the love of all that is holy can she please drop off the face of the Earth?

Prison Break is pulling a Nip Tuck and moving to Miami. Well, I hope they’re moving the fucking prison as well, since the premise of the series is that someone is breaking out of it. Didn’t they ever consider the idiocy of that title if it was going to last passed one season? This fuck-up just about embodies why we rarely watch network television.

NBC is picking up a series based on the classic novel, Robinson Crusoe. We read this book for college and the fucking thing might as well have been in hieroglphyics. If they keep the same diction, we’re probably going to sit this one out.

Isn’t there a more recent novel to base an island series off of? You know, like one written in the past 280 years.

You know there is no justice in the television industry when Women’s Murder Club and Lipstick Jungle are both extended while Friday Night Lights and Arrested Development get the ax. Oh well, we suppose there is a reason your television is often referred to as an “idiot box”.

We’re somewhat hesitant to post anything about a Wire episode before we do our recap and review of it on Friday (If you haven’t seen it yet this is a huge spoiler), but Michael K. Williams has said he wished the character had stayed in Puerto Rico. From a fan standpoint we tend to agree (even though we’re not supposed to like the guy), but we consider his downfall a privilege to watch.

Oh, this is why we don’t watch any primetime television: the broadcast networks apparently do not want me too. Or, at least that’s how I interpret the airwaves being overrun with “cougars”. For those completely turned off by contemporary nomenclature (I usually am, but am unfortunately in tune with it), a “cougar” is an older woman who sleeps with a significantly younger guy, the female equivalent to the older guy who has a trophy wife. The only time we’ve found this unique or interesting is in Weeds, and the woman is a widower.

Speaking of which, Weeds apparently shares a number of similarities with Breaking Bad, a series we kind of regret missing and now it is only enhanced.

That’s it for today, we’ll try to keep to fresh tomorrow. An essay of some sort, maybe. Probably not, but maybe.

Well, we sort of lied at the end of last Friday’s post. But we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave, and at that moment in time, we felt like we were being honest. As it turned out though, work began to increase rapidly and we completely forgot about any sort of promise we may have made.

No worries, however, because from the looks of things, nothing much has happened in between Thursday and today to really warrant a full blown links post for both days. But, we’ll make do with the hand the television industry hath dealt us.

Sad news for anyone who’s a fan of loose morality and exploitation, Kid Nation is set to be taken off the air. And for once, we approve of a decision made by CBS and their entertainment department.

Jessica Simpson (see, I told you we had limited news options) is considering a return to reality television. Is she nuts? Reality television is no place for attractive, talentless, idiot, hack blonds who anger Dallas Cowboy fans beyond all reason. Well, actually, reality television is the place for all of that, but we already have a surplus on her demographic, so maybe she’ll be shunned? Eh, who the fuck am I kidding?

If she isn’t a reality star, then I don’t know who is.

Tim Goodman wants to know why the average television viewer isn’t as bitter and contemptuous as your average critic. While we can’t say for certain, we imagine the indifference is a result of poor quality. Christ, only two series’ we watch were even affected by the strike (The Office which returns in April, and FNL which might actually be a casualty of the lockout), and we write a freaking TV blog. Point being, while many people watch Heroes, they might not be overly devoted to it because it isn’t really all that good. And while they might enjoy tuning in for an hour every week, its absence doesn’t create and irreplaceable void or anything.

If you thought last night’s Wire episode had a different ebb and flow to it, then a possible explanation might be it was the directorial debut for Dominic West (McNutty). While we agree with this sentiment, we certainly aren’t opposed to it. For a season so wildly paced and eccentric compared to its earlier parts, we think a different directorial style is appropriate.

Finally, Office writers fell back into old habits by reconvening at a restaurant to discuss possible script ideas. The pressure is probably immense to return with something side-splittingly funny. Glad it’s not me.

This was weak, back with something exceptionally longer tomorrow.

A couple highly rated programs are on tap tonight, so we figured it convenient to preview this evenings network lineups. We didn’t watch any television beyond the OSU-PSU basketball game and rewatch the new Wire episode, so we are left with little material. Anyhow, though we aren’t exactly fans of anything airing, there is a variety of options to choose from so why not do an overview?

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
Our feelings about this show have been made quite clear. But this week, we hear if you pick out a suitcase containing $100,000 or more, Howie Mandel douses you in that head slicker he liberally shines his dome with. Of course, that could always just be Mandel perspiration, in which case we wouldn’t wish that on anybody. See, if they actually did the former we might watch, but the show probably has to be moved to Nickelodeon for anyone to be doused with anything.

9-11pm: Law and Order
Two different episodes, probably a remarkably similar premise. We imagine a coed turns up dead and the main suspect is the boyfriend. In fact, they know it’s the boyfriend. Why? Because she was such an incorrigible bitch when they were dating (in TV Land, this qualifies as motive). But we are all stunned when it turns out to be her landlord or something. Who tearfully (yet comically) confesses while testifying that he didn’t mean to kill her…just scare her because she lead him on and he offered her a discounted rent as a result. This is surely how these episodes will go.

For those who don’t know, when Richard Belzer isn’t disparaging conservative politicians on Real Time, he plays a homicide detective on NBC.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
Oh My God! Two families with different lifestyles and different approaches to domestic duties switch matriarchs, and combative hilarity ensues, culminating with one of the husbands crying and one of the children cursing their TV mom.

9-11pm: Lost
Two hour season premiere, bitches. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on. Actually, our enthusiasm is a farce, we can’t stand this show. Apparently they’re going to run notes across the screen telling you facts about each of the characters, which is about the laziest narrative structure imaginable. What good are these facts if they never materialize on screen? It could just be footnotes from past seasons for new viewers they’re anticipating (due to the writer’s strike), but either way it strikes us as tacky. Oh, and ABC is referring to this as an “enhanced version”. Meaning, if you were lucky ABC would always put into text what they can’t fit into plot.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
If you want to see a middle-aged British man cut seventeen year-olds down to size because they are unfit to compete on an elaborate talent show, no one does it better than American Idol. Its genius is its simplicity. Tonight they’re in Miami, so he’s bound to put some impoverished immigrants in their place to the amusement of the masses.

9pm: Moment of Truth
Unlike its lead-in, at least the people get paid for the national exploitation. Of course, after the divorce and other inevitable legal issues, that take-home prize will probably be swallowed up by lawyers. Still, the chance for a pay day is there.

CBS

8pm: The New Adventures of Old Christine
The show that supposedly broke the Seinfeld curse that nobody watches. If Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t gotten an Emmy for her role on this after it was already canceled a couple years ago, this show would have been long forgotten. Instead, Elaine gets a bullshit Emmy on name recognition and it continues to haunt the airwaves for two more years. Anyways, there are two episodes on tonight.

9pm: Criminal Minds
If these shows even remotely resembled the country we lived in, one would assume that the U.S. had a Gaza Strip level of violence and you are lucky if you make it to work alive. Tonight’s episode details the investigation of home invasion murders, which will probably be treated like another day at the office. Christ, even The Wire treats a home invasion murder as something out of the ordinary, and it is set in fucking Baltimore.

10pm: CSI: NY
“Mac and the team find human blood on the crown of the Statue of Liberty, leading them on a race against time to save a famous musician from death at the hands of a vigilante.”

This is the episode description on CBS’ website. It sounds more like Treasure Hunters than a cop procedural. Of course, nothing about any CSI has ever resembled a realistic crime investigation.

Enjoy your bevy of options. While we’re not going to watch any of this, at least there is a wide variety of material, even if it’s all easily dismissed.