Grid Effect

I come from a rather tolling weekend as the bearer of good news: in only one week we’ll actually have a television series to discuss. Well, eight days. Weeds’ 4th season premiere airs a week from today, given us fodder for Tuesday’s post. The at times unbearably self-satisfied and unapologetically liberal series just might be the saving grace for this blog. It’s a shame we’ve had to lower our standards so, but it is what it is.

In the meantime, we will, of course, be offering more of the same. Here are some links to kick off your work week. We might take a break from this and do a list of some sort before the week is out.

New York Magazine wonders what is up with all these crazy women on reality television? Because apparently NYM has never understood the concept of ratings. It’s not like a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest type of situation. Either these women are hamming it up for attention or they were borderline dysfunctional/certifiable long before they were cast on some reality series, and that is why they were cast on some reality series. You could just as easily make one of these lists for male reality stars, particularly Real World cast members.

Jimmy Kimmel is only slightly slagging in ratings behind Conan O’Brien, who is now looking like a suspicious candidate to replace Leno. Say what you will about Leno, we certainly have, but he’s a surefire ratings cannon. Maybe some of O’Brien’s viewership is falling off because they are waiting for him to be bumped up an hour? But while we’ve defended him in the past, losing nights to Craig Ferguson and Kimmel now being viable competition, it stands to wonder if this isn’t a sign of things to come. It is almost like jumping in front of a camera and making cat noises doesn’t have any staying power.

Some writer for some shitty newspaper believes the problem with the Obama imitation on Saturday Night Live isn’t that Fred Armisen is white, but rather that he doesn’t capture Obama’s charisma. Yeah, because mocking imitations for comedic effect only work when they are extremely flattering. Norm McDonald really personified a realistic and fair minded portrayal of Bob Dole, that’s what made it one of the better impersonations in the show’s history. Its accuracy.

If only they gave him more credit for being affable, this would be hilarious.

Survivor: Gabon is behind schedule. Apparently shipping has turned into something of a hassle, and makes it all the more clear why disaster relief is so wildly inefficient in this country and around the world. A private company can’t even supply a TV show with enough goods to film for thirty-nine days, what chance does anyone have in the wake of tragedy?

Semi-related, John Slattery admits to watching Progect Runway, and takes a shot at Survivor while doing so, “What I like is the show is about the creativity, not just, ‘Let’s vote the biggest asshole off the island.’” You take it back John Slattery, how dare you trivialize our guilty pleasure to compliment your guilty pleasure. Why can’t you be more like Vincent Kartheiser and simply say the show you like, then fail to offer an explanation for why you would like something so tedious and trite.

HBO forced a local Baltimore purse shop to change its name from “Handbags In The City” to “Handbags and The City”. I’m just glad to see they’re not picking on the little guy. That store was profiting marginally from using a ridiculously stupid pun on one of their show titles that hasn’t been on the air for four years without proper copyright access. Damn right they have to change that sentence connector. No free passes when it comes to similar language.

And finally, if you’re all clamoring to know what John Stamos has been up to — Like all of us — well, here is your answer. I couldn’t read the article, I fell into mild paralysis with elation that Jesse does indeed have more projects on the way.

That’s all we’ve got, I hope your day goes as quick as mine will slow.

We’ll have parts three and four in the adventures of NBC executives coming next week, we’re still transcribing a lot of what we heard, and that is no easy task. To get us to next week we’re resorting back to our old ways, and getting you caught up on all the random industry news that no one is particularly interested in. Enjoy.

Some guy won American Idol a couple nights ago. We have no idea what his name is, but it really doesn’t matter. The operative word is “guy”, meaning he’ll be participating in c-list celebrity charity events and on E! reality television shows within the calendar year. Still, 32 million people watched that shit, and that almost seems like an understatement. We were in a Chinese restaurant for our nieces birthday on Wednesday night. Everyone from the bartenders to the waiters to my nieces to my siblings to my cousins were invested in this show. You would have thought a UFO had touched down the way everyone was huddling around the fucking television.

HBO has hired Frank Rich, A NY Times op-ed columnist as a consultant. Seems like a peculiar decision, given the mainstream indifference towards everything involving the NY Times. Maybe they hired him for his opinion, only to do the exact opposite of everything he suggests. Nothing against Frank Rich or the NY Times, but numbers are numbers and they do not play favorably with anything out of their op-ed section. It isn’t like HBO, who play host to Real Time With Bill Maher, hasn’t made their political leanings perfectly clear in the past.

The psuedo-feminist gawker blog Jezebel is watching every episode of Sex and The City in anticipation of the TV show’s theatrical debut. From the way she makes it sound, it’s like the TV equivalent of first time you go back out into public after being in a strip club, in which you expect every conversation with a woman to conclude with the offering of a lap dance. But instead of mistaking innocent exchanges for simulated sex-for-money propositions, you find yourself using tacky puns in everyday conversation and assuming that everyone is speaking in innuendo. In other words, never go to strip clubs, and if you must watch Sex and The City, never do so at a frequency of more than two or three episodes at a time. It’s bad for your real world sensibilities.

Simpsons voice actors (is this the proper terminology?) are now taking home $500,000 an episode. This would have made sense in the mid-90’s when the series was arguably (most likely) the best thing on television, now that it’s sinking like a fucking rock, actually, its been at the bottom of the ocean for about four or five years now, they’re getting a cool half a mil for their efforts? When did the television industry become like NBA contracts?

I usually find myself in a similar predicament at least two or three times a week.

Rescue Me, one of the bigger casualties of the writers strike that still managed to stay on air, is airing ten “minisodes” in lieu of an actual season in 2008. This is a nice gesture, and if you have a Tivo or DVR everything set to record Rescue Me episodes will pick these up, but I still do not have either device so am shit out of luck when it comes to actually catching these things. My life may be rather empty, but not so much that I can make time for something as mundane as a five minute episode of television. Why they don’t put these things up on a youtube channel or something is beyond me. Anyhow, their next season is twenty-two episodes, meaning it’s actually just two seasons without a hiatus.

Survivor is hoping to appeal to a younger audience by–and I kid you not– lowering their age requirements to be on the show from 21 to 18. Umm, this is the same show that had Parvati, Amanda, Jason and Erik on it, right? Something tells me the fountain of maturity wasn’t the culprit for keeping their ratings down. It probably has more to do with after sixteen seasons, everything starts to lose its appeal. But hey, by all means, lower the age limit. They should pull kids out of a TRL crowd if they think that will help their cause.

On the other hand, Survivor’s debut in Israel, much like it was here, has been something of a pop-culture phenomenon. I have no idea what it’s like in Israel for the average joe, but many of the citizens have to consider the name of the reality series in somewhat poor taste. They did an entire Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about this.

And finally in ratings news, FOX finished the season at #1, proving once again that just because you are successful, doesn’t mean you won’t piss us off greatly. And Desperate Housewives is rated the highest scripted series on television by beating out CSI. Proving that ever since The Sopranos went off the air, if you want to engage in any water-cooler discussion at work, then this site is really counterproductive for you.

Back with part three of our epic saga of the NBC executives later today or next Monday.

We’ll come out and say it right now. we’re not doing anything but watching basketball tonight. Not only do we have money on one of the games, and the other game involves the home-state team, we went to Cleveland on Saturday for game 3 of the Cavs-Pistons and walked around all day and night with a short-sleeve shirt on. It was probably fairly cold out when we left the game, I don’t know, I was too drunk to notice. But as a result my throat feels like the great wall of China is running through it right now. So, just expect more of the same tomorrow is all we’re saying.

I get the impression that all the news and press releases about the upcoming 90210 remake will turn out to be more entertaining than the show itself. The show was so over-the-top when it was on in the early 90’s, I’m not sure what else they can really accomplish in terms of outrageousness and still expect people to watch. Like I’ve said before, unless Michael caps someone in the knee with a shotgun for their family inheritance, our interest is non-existent.

The new cast of 90210, it looks about like one would expect.

Hi-yo! The Real World is making like the Nets and heading to Brooklyn. We’re not sure how people like the current cast will really fit in around our favorite NYC borough, but if they can supply the coke than I’m sure the twenty-something crowd will except them just fine.

I’m sorry, but we’ve often criticized Lost but always preambled that we can see the appeal. Well, if this actually happens, we take that all back, the show will be rendered appeal-less. If you are to lazy to click on the link like I would be, it’s an interview with “Popular Mechanics”, saying that the island everyone is allegedly lost on, is capable of time travel. We have no idea how close the series is to pulling this off, or if they’re just saying this for the benefit of “Popular Mechanics”, but essentially what it means is nothing is out of bounds for the show. They could learn to fly with palm tree leaves and it would seem feasible now. Christ all mighty. I’ve seen in commercials they all have guns now, can’t Daniels kill everyone on the island, regret it and then kill himself out of guilt in these final episodes?

Apparently I’m not the only one who was critical of last Thursday’s Office episode. This article claims it to be their worst effort in the four year run, and while we might not go that far, it is definitely closer to the bottom than the top of the list for us as well. It seems nit-picky, since the four preceding it were world-class, but it’s almost like they focused all their efforts on the finale and just used the penultimate episode to set it up.

It seems like I post a link to this after every Survivor season, but Sunday’s finale was the lowest rated finale for the series, breaking last season’s record low. Let’s put it this way, given how good this season was (even if it disappointed in the end), if it’s finale couldn’t beat out the finale from the dismally boring China season, then this is a trend we’re expecting to continue.

Finally, something of a high note, I guess, Mitchell Hurwitz has an animated series set to come out featuring the voices of Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. Will we watch? Obviously. But Hurwitz’s grand return to television, we were expecting something a little more enticing than an animated series. Essentially we were hoping for Arrested Development, but maybe with a different setting. Though that might be one liberty too many for them to take, that show was fucking perfect.

We kind of lied at the end of yesterday’s post when we assured a later day entry about the reunion and whatnot. We just pushed it back a day for the sake of efficiency. Also, this will be our last post on this Survivor season, so if you hate this show as much as most people in my demographic then rest easy, because this is the last time we’ll be posting about it until the fall season in Gabon (which looks fucking amazing).

The jury was probably the strangest exhibition of human behavior on reality television since Puck spit on David on the first “Real World/Road Rules Challenge”. They should put these eight people in a room with no windows together and see what the situation bares because an island just isn’t confined enough for such…peculiar characters. We’ll just do a rundown of the jury questions we can still recall, and pontificate on why they were asked:

Natalie: Probably one of the odder characters to ever embrace the Survivor landscape. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with alternative lifestyles. But expressing affection in such an obtuse and unsettling manner and inappropriate setting definitely caught us off guard. If you want to proposition her, just wait until the after party when she is good and drunk, Parvati strikes me as the “I’ll try anything once” type. Anyway, Natalie has since claimed that she asked the question because she at least wanted to make Parvati uncomfortable before she voted for her to win a million dollars, which strikes us as at best back-pedaling and at worst denial.

We can’t all have enough decorum to wait until after Tribal Council to make passes at people.

Ozzy: Someone is feeling a little self-righteous for my taste. Parvati and (mostly) Cirie pulled one over on you, just recognize it as good gameplay and move on. He apologized at the reunion, or rather accepted the move for what it is. But we just couldn’t comprehend why after sitting in that hotel for the past couple weeks he was still so vindictive. Apparently they briefly dated after the Cook Islands season so that’s sort of a reason to take it personally. I guess. But his vying for Amanda’s affection was actually more nauseating. The only reason why it wasn’t as misplaced as Natalie’s is 1) editing, and 2) he wasn’t as fucking ambiguous and creepy with what he was trying to say. Still, it’s going to be really embarrassing when she dumps him for some film producer who has a thing for semi-amazons.

Alexis: She was so gravely concerned about how the winner would serve as a role model for young girls that she had to vote for the world’s foremost foxy-boxing authority. I’m guessing she didn’t want to cast a vote for someone who’s profile lists her as a pageant winner, but the real reason she voted for Parvati is because she thought she was “cool” or something. As far as electing a role model for teenagers, the pickins were slim.

James: As dense as he seems about the whole process of participating on Survivor, he sure as shit is good-natured about the entire thing. Even his interrogation of Parvati came off as more playful than anything. Probably the most even-keeled, normalcy displayed in the entire inquisition (or whatever the hell you want to call it).

Eliza: On the other end of the spectrum, young Eliza came out swinging. And for some reason it didn’t seem as bitter as this brand of “questioning” usually seems. Just an honest assessment of each participant’s character. She genuinely seemed to believe Parvati was some immoral sycophant, like Fairplay’s doppelganger or something. And she really seemed to be under the impression that Amanda was dense as a bone and lacking any and all substance.
I didn’t necessarily agree with her on either account (well, maybe the former), but her convictions seemed to impend her choice, and she seemed quite conflicted that she had to cast a vote that would reward these people a seven figure prize. Why she picked Parvati I’ll never understand. Maybe she thought she wouldn’t win, so cast a vote knowing it wouldn’t amount to anything, maybe she just cast it for raw game play. But either way, based on her harpooning of Parvati ten minutes (TV time) before she cast her vote, it was like an OSU fan rooting for Michigan over Michigan State.

Jason: Didn’t bring much to the table in the way of logic or insanity. He simply wanted validation for the one blindside he was apart of.

Cirie: Probably the most constructive (if self-serving) line of questioning. Essentially, she wanted to know why Amanda chose Parvati over her, and instead of giving the textbook “you’re too strong of a competitor” answer, she essentially gave Parvati all the credit for making final two. Which is somewhat counterproductive, considering Amanda is trying to prove that she is more worthy of the million than Parvati, but whatever.

Erik: Also good natured about his blunder, which is probably the biggest ever seen on this show. He seemed to be seething a little during the reunion (non-verbally of course) but overall he seemed to recover well from his most public humiliation. But that wasn’t reflective in his questioning, as he seemed to believe that Amanda genuinely cared about him, whether it was platonic affection or otherwise. Still, the “hard-line” he took with her was still comical, because his voice kept kind-of, sort-of cracking.

This was the closest jury we’ve seen to a parade of carnival freaks, and while it was disappointing in how little the jury questioning revealed, it was definitely memorable. Still, there are plenty of questions we would have liked to have had answered that were never asked.

Speaking of which, the reunion didn’t offer much in the way of unveiling. It would have been nice to have known why people voted they way they did, but that doesn’t draw any ratings it seems, because Probst never inquires about it.

If you want a summary of the reunion, here it is in short: Yau’s still hilarious, Ozzy mocked the lunch lady from China, everyone who was injured is now fine, Mikey’s mom died, Parvati’s still self-absorbed, Joel is still frightening, James won the fan vote, Mary’s getting married, Fairplay has a daughter and wants Jeff to hug her and Cirie was virtually ignored. The end.

In other words, like every other Survivor reunion, it was rather uneventful and we’re still not sure why we watch it. A dreary end to an exciting season.

Probably links or something tomorrow.

We figured since there is nothing else on Sunday nights even worth mentioning that we’d get the Survivor finale out of the way. The title refers to the women supposedly being witches, thus they are stirring a cauldron that they pretend to huddle around. It’s not terribly original. but have we ever gotten an original metaphor from a contestant on this show that wasn’t from Jonathan Penner or Yul Kwon?

Anyhow, it wasn’t really a lively finale, everything that we assumed would happen, did. Meaning, one of the people that we didn’t want to see win from the beginning of the season won. Not to say that Parvati was completely undeserving, but it really felt like 90% of the time, she was just executing one of Cirie’s many blindsides. You could probably say that Parvati didn’t win it so much as Amanda lost it. Again. At the final tribal council. For the most part she just looks frightened of confrontation and when she is asked to explain herself, she attempts to be non-offensive and dances around a straight answer only to the agitation of the person asking the question. It’s sad really.

Of course, the fact that the people asking the questions are vindictive pricks have the time factors into the scenario as well. We can’t remember every jury members question, but Natalie’s stands out for her sheer weirdness, Eliza for her non-question (though we tend to agree with her scathing commentary), Erik for his bitterness and Ozzy for his self-righteousness and gut spilling display. But it was definitely a Survivor first to have two of the jury members make romantic propositions to the two finalists with their “questions”. That was…fitting.

We try to never judge a season’s success based on who we want to win and how they finish. But when someone like Parvati wins, it kind of speaks to the rest of the cast, and probably why we weren’t all that infatuated with this finale. Amanda had to have known that if she brings Parvati instead of Cirie, she is going to have Alexis and Natalie’s vote in the bad. Cirie is going to feel slighted, so count her vote towards Parvati as well. We can’t believe that Erik didn’t vote for Parvati, but he is so enamored with Ozzy he wants to sleep with the same women as him, so going into it she’s theoretically down 0-4 out the gate. It seems like a mistake to bring her instead of Cirie since Cirie just spent the last tribal council complaining about being at the bottom of every alliance she was a member of. In other words, she has no committed votes (or at least fewer than four).

Your Final four for Survivor. In case you didn’t realize, it’s all women. Natalie would be happy to tell you.

The blame for losing Jason and Eliza’s vote falls squarely on the shoulders of Amanda (though in the case of Eliza, she can’t be blamed for Eliza’s random decision making). Jason was probably on the fence, but when Amanda said she would have told Ozzy about the upcoming blindside, and considering that move saved his ass, his decision was then made for him. It’s kind of ironic, because in the one instance she wanted to give a non-committal answer, she opens the vault. In the case of Eliza, she seemed to hate and resent Parvati, but not have any respect for Amanda. I don’t know how she votes for someone who treated her with as much disrespect as anyone has ever treated anybody with on this show, but there it is. She cast the deciding vote and gave Parvati Shallow a million dollars. Without question the least likable person we’ve ever seen win a season of Survivor.

It seems to be common consensus that Cirie got screwed with the show reverting back to a final two, instead of the standard final three they’ve used for four or five seasons now. While it does seem out of the ordinary to randomly revert back to a F2, there was no guarantee it would be a F3. They’ve done an F2 more times than an F3 so it seems like fair game to us. To just assume that you are looking at an F3 seems presumptuous to us. And most people making excuses are just pissed off that they had to watch Parvati win a million dollars and not give Cirie one iota of credit. Something we can relate to, definitely, but this move by the producers isn’t nearly as egregiously unacceptable as all the challenges that took people out of the game prematurely.

Cirie’s biggest problem has been the same problem she’s had all season, and why she didn’t make the F3 in Cook Islands: she’s a liability in challenges. While we value strategy over challenge play, that aspect of the game is still integral. We were indifferent to who won, but if we were forced to choose one of the four to root for, Cirie would have been the choice in a landslide. Followed by Amanda then Parvati then Natalie, whom we’re still too freaked out by to comment on thoroughly.

We’ll still look back on this season fondly, it was just too eventful to consider otherwise (even if it was in part due to awful game-play and stupidity). But the constant harping by Probst that this is the greatest season ever seems like wishful thinking. He said the same shit about China, and that is probably the worst season they’ve had (definitely the worst we’ve seen), but you could make an actual case for this one, but the game play was so bad in some of the instances that we only give so much credit to those who pulled it off. Still, it was fun to watch.

Back with a recap on the reunion and some more commentary on the finale later.

With the finale this Sunday we decided to get this out of the way now. Frankly, we’re tired of these egregiously long episode titles and there has to be alternatives. Like for instance, at some point during this episode didn’t someone say “embarrassment on a national scale”. That would be a lot more succinct and to the point than these bizarre analogies that the contestants use. It might qualify as a spoiler, but, we’d be okay with it if it meant a condensed post-title.

Anyhow, after last night’s blunder, the consensus seems to be that this is the biggest faux-pas in Survivor history. And though we never saw the first seven or eight seasons, we’d be hard-pressed to imagine anything more desperate or ill-advised. Everyone liked to mock Ozzy and Jason (and James from China) for not playing their idols, but they were at least, to some extent, led to believe they had no reason to use an idol that could help them later in the game. They had legitimate incentive to refrain from playing an idol that can only be put into use before you know where everyone stands, Erik simply gave away immunity that had no future value which he earned from a challenge that ironically ended with a solved puzzle reading “Guaranteed Final 4″. No one in their right mind should ever expect to receive that from someone else in this game.

So why did he give away the idol? His initial stance when Natalie insisted that he give her the idol to regain Cirie’s trust (I’ll give Natalie this, it does sound ridiculous to say out loud), was, “I’m not even going to consider it”/ The knee-jerk response seems to be “because he’s an idiot, that’s why”. And while it indeed was a boneheaded decision, simply labeling him a moron doesn’t accomplish all that much (It’s amazing how many people in the above link call Erik a moron while misspelling the word “moron” or something equally ironic). He claims his incentive was jury votes and that is actually a legitimate motive (not reason, there is never a reason to give away immunity under the current format), but it seemed like the undertone to that was just a general dire need to be accepted. If that is indeed the case that seems to have a degree of sadness to it.

Why would he so desperately seek approval from these people? By our estimations the reason is two fold. He was being coerced by four women, three of whom Erik probably deems attractive (1 and a half by our count. I mean, Parvati has her appeal and all, but we’re only going to be so enamored with someone who has Conehead teeth), he is obviously naive in a way and is probably pre-disposed to seeking the approval of people like Amanda. He claimed he was just aspiring to be friends and make amends with everyone he lied to (and he did lie, but every time he did it was like he let the person he was making false promises to, talk him into those false promises, yet another example of seeking approval). But conventional wisdom would lead you to believe he was letting the member make decisions for him.

It doesn’t take Einstein to pull off the most improbable move in Survivor history, just numbers.

But there is evidence to the contrary that speaks to another motivation. Specifically all his idolization of many of the favorites (most notably Ozzy) and his enthusiastic introduction with his brother that Probst was gracing them with his presence. And of all four of the women, the one he was most indifferent towards was Natalie, the only remaining contestant that was one the show as a fan. He didn’t seem to deflect Cirie all that well (who does?), so maybe he wasn’t using any hyperbole when he said in his parting words (paraphrasing): “These people are my idols and they treated me as an equal”. Yeah, we think there might be some other issues that led to Erik willfully handing over immunity.

Still, his blunder made for really uncomfortable night of television. It wasn’t so much that any of the women were in the wrong for attempting this. Of course they weren’t, the game in and of itself is the task at hand, and the promotion and general tone of the show is “by any means necessary”. Which, from a game perspective, even explains why Erik did what he did. But it seemed like such a gang attack from someone in such a vulnerable position that the discomfort was almost unavoidable.

In the above link, there seems to be a backlash to calling the women “bitches” for their handling of the situation. Followed by a subsequent accusation of those poster’s misogyny. We’ll never understand why things are always divided along gender lines on this series and its fans (though this season the female contestants keep bringing it up), but the issue of various people perceiving them as “bitches” isn’t really a surprise given the nature of the move they pulled off.

The counter-argument seems to be, “but if a man does something similar he is considered strategic and is praised”. While I agree that there is definitely a tendency to villainize the women on this show for nothing more than strategic play, this argument is invalid because no man has ever pulled off something even remotely comparable, nor do I think one or any could, so we don’t have to worry about the comparison.

You might be able to pull something like this on a woman of a similar age and impression as Erik, but for whatever reason I feel like the manipulator would also have to be a woman. And anytime someone makes someone look so cartoonishly idiotic, it’s going to be labeled negatively regardless of the circumstances (real life or reality television). Not that they could help themselves (nor do I blame them), laughing uncontrollably in Erik’s face is only going to accentuate any moral issues someone might have with their actions, thus the unnecessary phrasing from multiple viewers. Unfortunately there is no male synonym for “bitch” (enlighten me otherwise), so if a guy or a group of guys ever pull off something similar, he/them are just referred to as “evil”, “asshole” or the pop nomenclature of the past year or so, “douchebag”.

That said, before this challenge the only person we had any rooting interest in was Amanda (it was minimal at best). We respect Cirie’s game play (every blindside short of Alexis’ has originated from her) but we still feel sour about the whole incident with Yau-Man and Penner, and her superiority complex with the “fans” from when her team was losing challenges after the tribe shake-up was unflattering at best; we’ve always had a low opinion of Parvati because of her vapid shallowness and Natalie is probably the only genuine bitch of the group (Yikes!). So ultimately we couldn’t care less who wins at this point.

It wasn’t that we were rooting for Erik or anything, but the overall tone of this episode just seemed unnecessarily cold. Did they really have to show everyone’s reaction while casting their vote? Not that any of them could help it, but seeing the jury and the people still left in the game laughing in front of Erik’s face epitomizes why we don’t watch any other reality television. It also doesn’t help that outside of Cirie, we don’t really consider the ruling outfit a brain trust of epic proportions, to say the least.

Regardless of our opinions of it, this was definitely a memorable episode and eventful season. We’ve enjoyed it thoroughly, which makes it all the more bizarre that we have no real interest in the finale. Still, we’re going to watch and half-heartedly hope either Amanda or Cirie can take home the million.

Office recap later today.

So, we didn’t take any notes during the episode last week, was James referring to his injured digit? Or was he trying to be menacing with this faux-threat? At this point in the game with no numbers and no strategy, the only way James could be menacing is if he was physically so a la Joey on this season’s Real World. Yeah. I watched the Real World last night after basketball because Orlando was pwning Detroit, fucking sue me.

Anyway, James’ untimely and unwanted (at least from the producers standpoint) departure from the game was only a small fraction of this episode. He probably had the best reappearance of a medical evacuation ever though, showing up to tribal with an IV. It reminded me of South Park’s parody of the 2000 election in which Mr. Garrison brought in the dying kindergartner to vote for class president.

His appearance at Tribal Council was only the tip of the iceberg, because this episode was probably the best use of the immunity idol since Earl turned it against Alex and his gaggle of cronies. Mainly because it was nice to see it effectively used for once and Amanda was absolutely radiant when she played the thing. It’s nice to see that while my one Survivor (semi but was fading quickly) crush is dispatched, a new one is making a name for herself.

It wasn’t so much that she played it as it was how she played it. From the get-go when she came back from immunity challenge to empty her bag (presumably a little over-eager to do so, but those are bygones at this point), to aligning with one other person (Parvati, bleh) to assist in distracting everyone else while she dug for the idol, to seeing where everyone stood before she actually went in search of the thing, to that fucking Oscar worthy performance at Tribal Council and her subsequent strut up to Probst to put the idol in play, we thoroughly enjoyed the entire spectacle. The only way it was getting any better is if they voted out Natalie instead of Alexis who was literally on her last leg anyways, or if Natalie just spontaneously combusted into flames.

It looks like they’re posing…whatever, do your thing doe (dough? I’m never certain) eyes.

But I think the decision to vote out Alexis was part of the strategy on Amanda’s part. Since Amanda wanted vile Natalie out of the game and Parvati wanted Alexis (I have no fucking clue why, and just when I’m beginning to change my opinion of Parvati, she insists on some shit like this and kills any perceived good will), it was a good compromise to make so Parvati doesn’t run off and tell the other four people about the idol. So even though I disagree with the actual final decision, I concede that it was phenomenal game play.

In other news, Erik could make a bit of an immunity run in the next few episodes. You wouldn’t expect it because he has the hair of a 55 year-old woman and the physique and mindset of a twelve year-old boy (look at his squealing excitement to have is brother and Jeff Probst within close proximity of each other), but he’s deceptively competitive, and aside from Parvati in challenges that require balance and agility he’s in pretty good standing in everything else. We actually let out an audible yelp when he took the target challenge in such convincing fashion.

We’ll never figure out why all the women didn’t just aim for only one person’s bottles in their alliance if their ultimate goal was to have an all female final five. But we suppose that their SURVIVAL instincts kicked in (Huh? Am I right or am I right, people? High five!). Either that or they are over-confident, unoriginal idiots. Historically speaking on Survivor, that has traditionally been the case.

The reward challenge and actual reward were kind of bland. We never much care about the “besmirch each other behind their backs then embarrass everyone by way of Jeff Probst” challenge. At least Alexis got that one taste of victory before being ousted, but ironically enough the person she sent to immunity ended up leading to her torch being snuffed. Why is everyone this season so apprehensive to go to exile island when they know damn well that there is an immunity idol to be had?

Nothing much else happened, we were happy to see that alliance have to turn on each other after their ugly cockiness last week, and judging from the previews last week we expect to see more of the same.

We’ve already covered the major events of this one pretty extensively over here, and it still pisses us off to no end. Between the four of them, how could James, Amanda, Erik and Jason not put together some kind of scheme to form a new alliance instead of hanging on begrudgingly to the already established core alliance. It was so fucking simple. Sure, you could make excuses for all of them sans Jason, because the other three had to know that he had the idol, but Alexis, Parvati and Natalie were scheming right in front of the three of them while they rolled their eyes. Don’t just act all passive-aggressive you fucking humps, do something to rectify the current situation!

According to this interview at Entertainment Weekly Jason was apparently under the impression that it was in Natalie’s best interest to align with him. And although we were never shown why he would think that, he has proven to be rather dense at times before so we’ll let the shoddy editing slide. He said that James didn’t like him so he never offered to align with him. Well, fuck James then. If he had played the idol and gotten Erik and Amanda to vote with him, that would have been the majority after all the votes had been discarded when he played the idol. I mean, why would you just want to desperately cling to that fifth position, when did that become so fucking lauded?

Anyhow, to the finer points of the game. Like, say, the reward challenge. We’ve been repulsed by this show many a time, but probably none more so than the incident with the chocolate cake. The incident was two-fold in establishing my repulsion. First Alexis, Parvati, Cirie all eating it with Natalie after she purchased the thing and was given three people to share it with. And not eat it with a fork or anything remotely civil like that, but pouncing on it with no eating utensils like a diabetic on her death bed. In other words, it was horrifying. Probst gave them I believe two minutes to eat this thing, and they took that very literally as they more or less just jammed their faces into it in unison. Even James, who had voluntarily taken the bats that Natalie unknowingly purchased, thought it disgusting.

The second half of my disbelief came when Erik paid Cirie $40 to lick her fingers/hand. That was, in and of itself, probably the weakest thing I’ve ever seen. It was pretty indicative of his position in the game, “I’ll pay you cash money if you’ll let me lick the scraps off your hand” is basically what he said. To his credit, the game ended right then and there, so Cirie’s newly acquired $40 was rendered worthless.

These people make Joel look desirable.

But is it just me or are the Survivor’s more gluttonous this year than in recent history? We had this train wreck, Ozzy dropping out of an immunity challenge for fucking donuts shortly after he had eaten a rather large meal at reward, people being unable to contain their excitement over an unseen food item that they accidentally dropped out of a challenge, and just a general entitlement and bitchiness that at least we’ve never seen.

Anything else happen? Oh, and while we do believe Jason to be a bit of an airhead, Survivor production really did a hatchet job on him. I mean, they might as well edited a clown outfit onto him, because what we saw in that EW interview, versus what we saw on the show, really didn’t seem like the same person. We fault him for poor game play and a general vapidness, but not for being unlikeable or intolerable. And the four women generally had to dislike him to say the shit about him that they did. It all seemed very juvenile to me, even for a Survivor episode.

All in all this season has had some great moments, but we doubt we’ll be able to handle a final three that involves any of the four members of the dominant alliance. The real shame in Jason & Co. not counter-attacking this episode was that if the three on the outskirts were ever going to make a move, it had to be here. Now their best bet is to sit it out and hope the four of them implode, which at this point doesn’t seem likely.

They can try and persuade someone else to switch allegiances, but that seems like it would only solidify their resolve. Still, an F3 of say, Parvati, Alexis and Natalie would be less encouraging than last season in China with Courtney, Todd & Amanda or Exile Island with Aras and Danielle. That is to say, we’d only watch for the interrogation from the jury. We’d like to see a female alliance, because we haven’t seen one successfully play out yet, but not with this miserable troupe.

We’ll try to post some links today but we’re abnormally busy, so don’t hold your breath.

One might think that hosting the second most popular game show on television would make for a charmed life, but you would be wrong. Living a life that is akin to a constant vacation with intermediate working stints in tropical locations isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask super-models.

For one, Jeff Probst, host of Survivor, has been in and out of therapy. Yes, I’m afraid that due to the abnormal nature of his career, being in and out of the country with only brief periods of familial contact can be quite trying for most millionaires. You might counter by arguing that their are plenty of others who work jobs that separate them from their family, but they aren’t fortunate enough to bring down seven figures, so he really doesn’t have any room for complaining. Which is just totally unfair. Those people don’t have the anxiety that comes with making all that money, they usually have to work two jobs and it’s definitely not a matter of vanity. They aren’t required to travel all over the globe either, because no one wants to put their expenses on the company tab, and they are fortunate enough to be unable to afford such expenditures on their own, so they don’t have to see everything the world has to offer.

The sacrifices some of us make. And obviously his judgment wasn’t influenced while she was in the game, if that’s what you were thinking.

He also dated one of the contestants from a past season, do you realize how tedious that can be? That’s like Violette Palmer dating Kevin Garnett. Sure, some might call that a conflict of interests, and Palmer would probably lose her job as a result, but think about all the domestic drama that must entail. Sadly, Probst ended his relationship with Julie Barry from Survivor: Vanuatu, and have opted not to be friends. That’s a shame, when two people share what I’m sure was three years of blissful monogamy only to decide that not only is the relationship over, but so is all contact with the ex-girlfriend must be really discouraging. Usually when I break up with a girl, we still enjoy everything a relationship has to offer minus the sex, and who doesn’t want that? Maybe Probst is dating a new, current contestant. I have my money on Parvati, because this guy just cannot catch a break*.

Still, he valiantly soldier’s on. Doing the unfathomable like sleeping in tents and while looking for new women to sleep with. One thing I’ve learned from this article, though, is that if there were more people as selfless as Jeff Probst, this world would be a much better place. There’s no denying that.

*= This entire article was facetious, but I truly pity anyone that dates Parvati.

For those who haven’t seen the movie To Die For, then don’t worry about that post’s title. But essentially it is comparing her to a woman who convinces a high schooler to murder her husband so she can advance her career without the hindrance of a spouse. That might seem a little harsh, I mean, Maretto at one point in time was at least expected to be charming.

Usually we wait until the day of the following episode to write about this. But last night’s episode was probably one of the bigger jokes we can remember from the show, and it can’t be put on hold for a week. Besides, that episode of The Office was too bizarre, we’re still trying to decide if we liked it or not and need to wait until later in the day to transcribe our thoughts on it.

Do you mind if I pull a Stephen Colbert for a second? Good, I CALLED IT! But I really wish I hadn’t. For starters, Natalie either got the worst edit in the history of reality television, or she is the most abominable personality to ever appear on Survivor, either way it is an unflattering debut for someone we were supposed to be watching for the past two months. Is this how all her interviews went and since she was such a peripheral player the production team thought better than to put her on camera talking about how integral and conniving she is? Or did she spend the majority of her camera interviews picking her giant pug nose and scratching her head with a rock?

We spent all night having nightmares about it, we figured our few readers should at least experience some induced nausea.

We mean no disrespect, but it was entirely preferable when she was seen and not heard, and presumably let Alexis do the talking for the both of them. Of course, looking at her is not something we aspire to do either, so please, by all means Survivor contestants, feel free to send her home as soon as possible.

Now, some might consider this sour grapes because we stated yesterday that Jason was now our vested rooting interest, if for no other reason then how maligned he’s been all season. To which we would respond: Please tell me you’re kidding. No, the reason our tone is so disapproving is the manner in which everything was carried out. “Blindsiding” a person who hasn’t had any alliance members for the past week seems mislabeled, we think calling it an overly complicated tedious mess is much more accurate.. Sure, Jason wasn’t expecting it, but he’s a moron. This is the same kid who thought the immunity idol was a stick with a smiley face on it, who thought last week’s vote was about saving him rather than booting Ozzy, who just seems vacant on a general basis. Nice job in booting the most gullible of all the gullible players who’ve ever played this game.

Again, we have no problem with them voting him out, because he was entirely too trustworthy, and too desperate to make any rational decisions so he was just stalling the inevitable. But the way the girls carried it, particularly Natalie, and to a lesser extent Alexis and Parvati, was nauseating. I don’t think we’ve ever seen anyone quite as vile as Natalie on this show, while others have been smug or dislikable, she has both those qualities plus the additive bonus of being undeserving, condescending, misinformed and egotistical all at the same time.

Shouldn’t there be a limit to how many crap metaphors one uses that mean exactly the same thing, and just become more and more convoluted? (This is asked of James as well, who has a real aversion to apples.) And better yet, does Mark Burnett have to keep throwing them on the air? Her interviews probably ate up a solid ten minutes of camera time, and if she were explaining the cure for cancer, then sure, it would be justified. But when every interview is some morbid explanation of how they’re, “picking off the guys one by one….flossing her teeth with his (Jason’s) jugular”, then we probably only need to hear that once.

We have no idea what Amanda was thinking. Of the bottom four left (Amanda being five), she is the only one we considered having the capacity to make a power play against what’s probably the most pitiful “power” alliance we’ve ever seen this late in the game. So either she is content with aligning with the women, thinking even if Cirie and Parvati are lying to her (I really have no idea where there loyalties lie), she should be able to run circles around them in challenges, or we were giving her too much credit. It may be the former, but when the competition is so underwhelming, Parvati and Natalie are actually immunity threats when standing next to her.

So why even chance it? Would it really have been that difficult for either Amanda, Erik or James to tell Jason he is getting played, implore him to use his idol and the four of them can boot Parvati? Now that would have been a blindside. Not going to such great lengths to boot someone with no friends and no brains.

I don’t expect a game plan like this from James or Jason, since history has proven them to be a little too dimwitted to pull it off. Erik seems like an idiot to us, though we don’t really know anything about him. But Amanda? Didn’t she seem at least remotely impressive in China? No? It might be a situation where from the inside looking out, it seems a lot less obvious than from the outside looking in. We really have no idea what the editing left out, but she said she exhausted all options without us seeing her do anything, are supposed to just take her at her word? Because as far as we can tell, neither Erik, James or Amanda did a fucking thing, all content to just “not go home” on that particular day. As if going home four days from now will be anymore rewarding.

We’ll leave it at this, and recap the finer points from last night’s episode next Thursday, but damn it was frustrating to watch when the solution seemed so simple and favorable for anyone we would consider even remotely redeemable.

Office review later.

Wow, that was chock full of Survivor goodness. If anyone took issues with the content of this episode, then you might as well quit watching the show. That was, without a doubt, one of the better Survivor episodes ever, and certainly the best we’ve seen from the past two seasons.

For one, we didn’t like seeing Ozzy go home. He brought an element to the game that I don’t think anyone else has brought. And I don’t necessarily think it’s just the fact he was so good at challenges, but how he was good at them. There was a certain amount of grace that Ozzy won with on a challenge course. Albeit that didn’t translate back to camp or tribal council, but when he was fully invested in winning a challenge, be it a group or individually, he was virtually unbeatable. Consider this paragraph and in memoriam, because from here on out we’re going to be fairly unmerciful.

For the most part, we can understand why he didn’t play the idol, and at this point in the series, when the idol can only be played before the names are read, it is a significant disadvantage to find the thing. Essentially it puts a giant target on your back. Sure, discretion is always an option, but either the one or two people you told eventually tell everyone or everyone deducts that it has come into your possession. Of course if you know exactly when to play it because you are definitively being voted out, then by all means it is a valued asset. But have we ever seen that? When the idol actually worked in the favor of it’s beholder when they must play it before the votes are read?

The only person who has no legitimate excuse is James. He actually had two idols and only three TC’s left in which they were playable, and admitted as much during the same episode that he had cause for concern, but stood PAT nonetheless and was sent home. Ozzy, who also should have realized something was afoot, and seemed to acknowledged as much, also inadvertently admitted to rarely (if ever) bringing the idol with him to TC. I’m sorry, but when you are that comfortable with the idol and have the reputation as a power player and a camp favorite, you are begging to be be ousted early.

At least he conceded as much in his exit speech, even if he was somewhat bitter about it. And really, who can blame him? There are times when bitterness is justifiable, and this is one of those times. I watched an interview on Entertainment Weekly’s website, and he certainly seemed to be in good spirits. So a short-term moment of petulance is definitely understandable.

And while we commend Cirie and Parvati (mostly Cirie) for hatching the plan to have Ozzy blindsided, we don’t particularly like either of them. Cirie has destroyed the good will she built up in her inaugural season and Parvati has always been a detestable bitch (for lack of a better term). Ozzy’s departure makes the game much more unpredictable, but it also cirtually guarantees that someone we don’t like is going to walk away from this experience $1,000,000 richer. And that is never a good feeling in reality television. I’m looking at you, Erik, Amanda and Alexis, to make the eventual memory of this season a fond one.

Speaking of Alexis, the Immunity Challenge was probably our favorite moment in the episode. Just back-to-back-to-back eliminations from Alexis, then Natalie and then James as they both mocked the person whose exit preceded there’s. And we have to confess, we were downright frightened by Alexis’ bitchface. It was like something out of Heathers, only a hundred times more blinding. I feel like this last sentence is a compliment, does it come off that way? Anyone who can do anything so intensely and so perfectly I feel like deserves recognition.

Congrats, Jason, you’re the first to earn the vaunted Grid Effect half-pity vote.

Notice how she has gone from virtual obscurity to round the clock coverage, that’s a good sign for an eventual winner.

And though there is much one can fault Jason for, giving him shit for being gullible enough to believe the rest of Dabu’s guarantee, especially while everyone was snickering during the decision process is somewhat unfair. He recognized he can’t win all the immunities, and and rationally asked everyone to give him their word, mistakenly believing that the majority of people on reality television are even remotely honorable.

As far as dirty moves go in Survivor, we never get self-righteous about it because everyone is just looking to prolong their stay, but for someone outside of all alliances and at the time was obviously next on the chopping block, find some other way to get him out of the game. Or maybe, don’t bow out of the challenge for donuts, or fucking candy. Idiots. Actually, scratch the above, we’re rooting for Jason from here on out.

Anyhow, if the previews are any indicator, it looks like we are heading towards and all girls alliance assuming there isn’t any ill-will towards Parvati for aligning with two different groups, or Amanda for being unaware about the decision to boot Ozzy, etc. But in situations like these, when the majority recognizes that they can stick around for a few more days simply by voting out the minority and the two are as easily discernible as gender lines, then usually everyone stays in tow. Especially in this circumstance, when the male brain trust remaining on the show leaves a lot to be desired.

Back tomorrow with Office recap.

Ugh, the above is a Parvati quote, and it pains me to give her credence in any way, even if it comes in the shape of a formality. Needless to say, this episode sparked some promise, then let us down, then got our hopes up even though we knew what was coming wouldn’t be pretty, then the curtain finally closed with one of the last two likable favorites leaving the island (the other being Ozzy).

In case you missed the episode, or haven’t been able (or cared) to ascertain who I am referring to from my previous posts, Eliza was last Thursday’s TC victim. And while we found ourselves with a vested interest in her outcome, we weren’t terribly surprised with the result. She is one of the better challenge performers, for some reason manages to regularly isolate herself from the group and any one she attempted to form an alliance with has either been voted off (Ami, Yau), sent home per medical emergency (Jonathan) or is a complete fucking dipshit (Jason). So yeah, considering all the variables her ouster is long overdue.

The dipshit in question for one reason and one reason only: the fake immunity idol. Now, we give him a little leeway because he is a newbie, has never had any physical contact with any type of non-challenge oriented immunity idol and plausible deniability (i.e. he desperately wanted to believe what he attained was legitimate). But Even though Eliza’s something of a veteran, her reaction to the pathetic smiley faced stick that Ozzy made kind of sold us on Jason’s ineptness. Mainly because it was so emphatic (”It’s a fucking stick…I hope some miracle happens with this Stick at tribal…what are you trying to pull here?)”.

Still what a horrible way to go out. I mean, there probably isn’t a whole helluva lot she could have done to have saved herself, but Jason constantly delaying actually giving her the idol negated any opportunity for her to talk her way out of her predicament. Maybe she could have gotten Jason to go along with Cirie and Amanda to vote out Alexis or aligned with Alexis and Natalie? The game feels so parsed at the moment that her options were vast if actually given a moments notice.

I know people say alcohol can lead to depression and everything, but honestly, what would the suicide rate be if it wasn’t for the liquid spirits?

Speaking of Amanda, the whole thing with Ozzy and Alexis kind of sprung from nowhere, and she seemed as shocked as we were. As in any typical lover’s quarrel, she blamed her competition rather than the reason for it. Still, Ozzy might be playing with one too many hands here. He knows not to trust Parvati, but having Erik, Jason, Amanda and Alexis in your pocket can being just as detrimental as it is beneficial. What if they start some sort of back door alliance and get to talking about whatever you may have said about your strategy, about them personally, etc. We do know one thing, Ozzy finds the scent of an unshowered motivational speaker intoxicating. That was some weird shit.

Kind of in the shadows this episode were the same culprits that have been the past two or three episodes sans Alexis: Natalie (seemingly Alexis’ lapdog), Cirie (low key works much better for her), James (it’s hard to be discrete when you have forty pounds on everyone there) and Erik (he came up with the tribe name and still managed to be virtually forgettable).

We do not know what to expect tonight other than for Jason to be voted out, as he seems to be playing the game independently now. He’s kind of like Omar Little, expect for the lack of confidence he inspires. And maybe a little verbal sparring. Honestly, if we were on this island our main goal would be to instigate scenes, that would take precedent over winning. Because right now, Amanda probably only needs someone talking in her ear to pick a fight with Alexis.

But all in all, a decent merge episode. We suspect now that Eliza is gone Ozzy and James will win the predominate amount of individual immunities. Or, in other words, whichever ones Ozzy doesn’t win because they involve brute strength, James will take home. Jason has proven he might be able to steal a few, but I think last week will prove to be an exception rather than the rule. As far as mental challenges are concerned….umm, maybe Amanda or Alexis can compete for a couple? I don’t know. The dismal competition in this regard probably speaks to why our interest is waning this season.

Back tomorrow with an Office review, maybe some links as well.

We’re still in the precipice of a hectic work week, so bare with us as we offer up day old news for the first three days of this, the third week of April.

Now desperately seeking an edge to regather its once dominant Nielsen score, Survivor is going HD. Assuming this is the case, the editing team better be working around the clock to verify there are not any exposed body parts.

TV critic Tim Goodman sums up the mentality of NBC comedy fans quite aptly in this op-ed piece. In short, he says we’re comedy elitists who denounce more traditional CBS comedies without giving them a chance. This describes the attitude on Grid Effect almost to a tee, and the odds of us changing up are about 100/1. Call us a snob if you will, but we’ve watched Big Bang Theory and we were mightily unimpressed.

Albert Brooks will play Nancy Botwin’s father-in-law in the fourth season of Weeds. Now, if only they would release the third season DVD’s so I could prepare to watch the fourth season, I’d be all set. But no, Showtime keeps me in suspense, at least with DVD releases and not actual storytelling.

There’s a picture of Mary Louise-Parker’s digitally enhanced naked ass that we wanted to use, but chose this instead. Mainly because violence is so much less-threatening than sex.

Here’s something you don’t see everyday: A reality TV director has been arrested on charges he falsely imprisoned eight women. Apparently he led them into his house with the promise of putting them on a series. A few things about this, first, I thought people that lied about being in showbiz to get women actually had no affiliation with the industry. If you actually have some kind of pull, what’s the point of promising a woman a spot you never plan to give to her, if you can actually put a good word? I suppose you can always be a sick fuck, so maybe that’s the case. Secondly, I think this is another argument for the abolishment of reality television. If it is so mind-numbingly boring for the people involved that they resort to multiple kidnappings, then it’s time to rethink the genre.

A.O. Scott, who we’ve sometimes felt to be pompous, writes a piece about Roger Ebert’s television career that is anything but. Regardless of your opinion of Ebert’s approach to movie reviews, his contribution is undeniable and hopefully a “Better Know a Congressman” segment.

Stephen Colbert is doing his show from Philadelphia all week. We watched last night as Colbert always brings his A-game for the away crowd, and last night was no exception. We recommend tuning in tonight to see an interview with Michelle Obama.

It seems like state employees were really fond of The Wire. Which is strange since that is who the show is usually hammering away on, even with the obvious degree of affection the series portrays the majority of its characters with, they are still perceived as ineffective at best and expendable at worst. But yeah, City Hall in Nashville is still in mourning over its conclusion. I guess that speaks to the caliber of programming that The Wire brought every week.

And finally, Newsday has a column about the difficulties sports-oriented TV series face. We mentioned it yesterday with The Contender, the article focuses mainly on Friday Night Lights, the problems the two shows face might vary, but we think a lot of it is related to sports movies being such a staple in US cinema that diverting from that is unlikely. Sports fans generally have amazingly short attention spans, we think FNL’s ratings failure stems directly from that mindset.

More of the same tomorrow.

This was an odd episode if not an enjoyable one. Since we didn’t see much in the way of plot development that seems to be a minority opinion, but at least we saw one of the more pathetic or heartfelt farewells ever, depending on either your level of gullibility or suspicion of Ami.

It’s a shame she had to leave too. Between the crab hunting and the intimidation of Erik with the machete, I really thought we might see the first ever Survivor castration. If her tears were even remotely sincere they seemed more out of anger than genuine sadness. But there was an abnormal amount of knife play in this episode. Seriously, I felt like I was watching 300 again.

As opposed to eating like rats, Airai is now eating the rats themselves. In a scene accustom only to this season Jason is rather impressed himself when he catches one and wants so desperately for the favorites to like him, but I’m assuming no one ever told him that Amanda wrestled a shark to shore. Just so I’m somewhat incensed by this whole scene, Parvati calls him a loser during a camera interview. And she is in a position to deem who is a loser and a winner, being a foxy boxer grants you such privileges.

One thing that was almost clumsily good play was Parvati approaching Natalie about her and Alexis forming an alliance post-merge, but they do it in the most nauseatingly conceited way possible. Natalie looks like the girl that sleeps with her friends boyfriends when they’re hammered. And somewhat coincidentally, I imagine Parvati just sleeps with whomever is hammered, regardless of relationship status.

The question is, how many pictures can we find of Jason not staring at Eliza’s ass.

Kind of a peculiar decision by Malakal to have Alexis sit out the challenge, though it’s indicative of why they keep losing even with the superior camp life. I mean, the other team is “feasting” on rats while they have Ozzy pulling his “Lord of The Flies” impression out there and killing anything that breathes and is edible within a 300 yard radius. Some people have faulted them for not going with Jason given that he coaches gymnastics and all, but to be fair I’m not entirely certain they were aware of his history. Still, to go with Alexis, the girl who’s never talked or demonstrated any real challenge ferocity, regardless of what they assume it consists of, is flummoxing. It’s a shame they picked these two considering that during challenges there isn’t two people I’d rather be staring at. I mean Ozzy was obvious, he’s like Cirque de Soleil on Survivor, but Alexis? Why the resident eye candy left this season? Throw me a bone, Malakal. You fuck ups.

And the immunity challenge itself must have been a tough one for Malakal to endure, because had Ozzy been available it would have been a shoe in. The god overseeing this game for them is clearly a vengeful one. Maybe it’s positive karma for Airai after the Penner departure. During Malakal’s weekly failing, Ozzy and Alexis went looking for the idol. Alexis, because she’s genuinely without a clue, and Ozzy, because he wants to see if his bait is still fresh. Surely enough, it isn’t.

In the seemingly least effective strategic move in Survivor history, Erik approaches Amanda and Cirie about Ami’s back alley dalliances with some of the departed fans. He is being honest but comes across so unconvincing, which I always thought was impossible to do, but he is so eager to please. In this scene, Erik reminds me of the kid who would let you play with all his toys just so you’d hang out with him. It’s essentially ninety seconds of Amanda and Cirie failing to control their laughter.

Ami’s sneering fuck off towards Erik after she seemingly aligned with Amanda and Cirie was probably one of the more distasteful things of the series, and certainly of the season. Which in both instances is saying something. That’s like being the shortest keebler elf. But it does take some stones to be so condescending.

Given that it’s their forth tribal council everyone seems a little discouraged. Basically it devolves into Ami sobbing, then everyone trying to ascertain why she seems so isolated. Then everyone voting for her and not caring. Sorry Ami, while we appreciate your attempt at redemption, those tears only work for Hilary Clinton. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the above confrontation with Erik, we might feel differently. But it happened, so we don’t. It seems worth noting that when he was casting his vote, Erik says, “this game’s hell”. It might seem a little dramatic, but when someone is voted off, they do have to spend the next couple of weeks in what’s probably a secluded tropical island luxury resort. Brutal.

Pretty much a ho-hum episode but provided some oddly memorable moments. Which might say more about us than we’re willing to admit. New episode of this and The Office returns tonight. Enjoy!

This Survivor recap is going to be eloquent in its brevity, or rather just really fucking short because we haven’t watched the episode since it aired over two weeks ago and we didn’t write any notes then. The manner they went into a fifteen day hiatus was pretty dull. Then again, nothing all that groundbreaking can really take place this early in the game, so it was just sort of victim of circumstance. But still, is this the best their editing team can do?

Anyhow, I suppose the highlight (or one of the few things I can still remember) from the episode was Kathy taking her leave. She did seem genuinely distressed over the environment. I mean, To be honest, sleeping in that cave does seem more severe than some of the other things I’ve seen on this show (I might rather sleep in the rain), but she is on this show supposedly as a result of her fanaticism with it. I know no one can really grasp the conditions, regardless of how legitimately trying they may be until they are there. But if you watch the show so feverishly and passionately, then why the hell would you be going apeshit because it continues to rain? I can’t decide if she’s crazy, stupid or both. But right now she just seems regretful, so whatever tickles her fancy, then. So long Kathy, I’m glad you got off the show before you started developing imaginary friends. Best of luck.

But with her departure, it doesn’t seem to matter that her former tribe continues to win challenges. That is now two (or three?) that Airai has won since the mix up, but the team numbers are still even. So, I’m having a difficult time discerning whether or not Malakal should have followed through and voted off Ozzy instead of Tracy. Given, if they vote off Ozzy in this situation, their dismal challenge performance will only depreciate, but if the merge is happening sooner rather than later, then getting rid of the best challenge player in the history of the game is probably a wise move. But, if they merge at eight instead of, say, ten, then they are putting themselves at risk. To play it safe and to give themselves a fighting chance in the upcoming challenges, I think they made the right move. But when exactly do they plan to vote him off? Even Amanda is beginning to come around on him.

Look at him. As he goes to collect supplies for the rest of his team, he thinks he’s sooo cool. Clearly he’s subjugating Amanda.

Speaking of which, was she actually falling for Cirie’s weak power play of the conceited Ozzy? Or was Amanda just conceding everything to end the conversation quickly. Why the fuck was him going out to the reef, to go fishing and feed all of you fucking people so out of line? Because you actually had to contribute in a minimal way? She really, really needs to get over herself if she wants to be redeemed from this website (whatever that is good for). Because right now she is on our shit list.

It seems this is almost a situation where one is so contributive and helpful that everyone else is beginning to resent it. Given Eric, who was gun ho about voting off the challenge demon two weeks ago, was overselling his importance a little too much (might be why so many of the women resent him), but when someone provides that much in way of sustenance and competitiveness, it seems odd to hold him accountable for every little foible.

That was the episode in a nutshell. I think. It’s been fifteen days and though my life is rather hollow, remembering the nuances of a Survivor episode from two weeks ago is something I don’t occupy with my cerebral cortex. So long Tracy, so long Kathy. The former deserved better and the latter got better than she deserved.

Links tomorrow, as much has happened since I stopped posting them.