Grid Effect

Remember how yesterday I’ve mentioned I’ve led a charmed life? Well, for some people that isn’t good enough, apparently, because Simon Cowell is publicly berating the Oscars for not inviting him to their self-congratulatory film awards, saying it “reeks of snobbery”, is “ridiculous” and they think he’s the “Antichrist”.

To begin the rundown of all the things utterly and inarguably wrong with this, I like the notion that he claims it “reeks of snobbery”. This is coming from a man with no musical background that I’m aware of, who systematically rejects people from performing on a stage with nothing more than a whim-based opinion. Did Simon have a good meal before arriving on set? Well, that improves your chances. If Simon got laid beforehand, thank your lucky stars because for at least a few minutes afterwards he won’t be so overtly bitter. For someone whose entire show revolves around his elitist subjectivity, this is definitely the Euro-trash celeb calling the more popular kids’ kettle black.

I’d worry less about the Oscars and more about buttoning up that shirt.

A few more things about this: First, it seems that when he’s on the business end of a decision he is knocked off his A-game. Secondly, why would he want to go to the Oscar’s in the first place? There isn’t any disillusioned high-schoolers there to make fun of, and the thing regularly lasts about three and a half hours. Honestly, even if it is something you would like to attend and aren’t allowed, it’s embarrassing enough that I think you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Thirdly, how fucking entitled can a reality television personality be?

The man makes $40 million a year to throw vague, rehearsed insults at people too nervous or too shy to retaliate, through this process manages to become a television icon and then proceeds to complain when he isn’t invited to what the film industry considers their most prestigious event? It’s rare I’ll defend those in Hollywood who treat events like the Oscars as something that has any significance whatsoever (I’m not even sure that is what I’m doing here), but fuck Simon Cowell.

He works in television and is a millionaire probably close to a hundred times over at this point and still finds room for professional dissatisfaction? He is well on his way to being the British Donald Trump, a recognizable face for no discernible reason or talent that everyone takes seriously because he’s somehow managed to accumulate power and wealth, but laughs at him behind his back because otherwise he would be cartoonishly non-threatening. If there was any justice in the world David Simon would make Simon Cowell like money.

But alas, America loves their fame whores. He’s essentially Paris Hilton with a sharper tongue, or a successful Andy Mellman who never developed a conscious. Shit, at least neither of them wallowed to the public over not being invited to the Oscars. You’re a television personality, you’ve never worked in film (at least not regularly) and the Oscars are about creative endeavors, something you’ve never been apart of. Go swim in your pool of gold coins and quit acting like you were fucking slighted in any way.