Grid Effect

Just from the get go we can safely assume that as much as we might hate to admit it, this Cowboys season is going to kill the Chiefs efforts last year, and we enjoyed the Chiefs season. Both on the field and in front of the HBO cameras we expect the Cowboys to thoroughly dominate what the Chiefs did. There are just so many more personalities and ridiculous characters for a documentary series than the Chiefs had last year.

Since this was mostly introductory, we’re going to cover this person by person instead of the standard paragraph form. It’s lazy, but this is a documentary about football players, alright? It shouldn’t require me to exceed my standard lackluster efforts. Just a quick disclaimer in that we hate the fucking Cowboys, we don’t understand why everyone romanticizes a random NFL franchise, but they do and that is why we hate them.

Terrell Owens: I’m pretty certain Owens could set a Children’s Hospital on fire and everyone on the team would still gush about what a great receiver he is. After Jones was done salivating over him being one of the five best players he’s ever paid, I thought a restraining order might be necessary. From calling himself “too sexy” to selling t-shirts that read “I love me some me”, it is clear that Owens either isn’t aware he’s a narcissist, doesn’t know what one is or doesn’t care at all. I’m guessing it’s all three.

Still, it was great watching Pacman Jones get torched by Owens…he’s so dreamy, I can’t help it.

Tony Romo: If a good ol’ boy can be from Wisconsin, then it is Tony Romo. We’ll be honest, when he first stepped in for Drew Bledsoe a couple years ago, we were skeptical. He was hyped before even starting a game, and why would a kid from Eastern Illinois University be such a surefire NFL quarterback? Needless to say he has exceeded our expectations, but has a lot of weight on his shoulders after the last two playoff exits (especially last years). On a personal level, Romo seems like one of the cooler players in the league, and it was refreshing to see a professional athlete who enjoys professional athletics. Most of them act so put upon, but Romo goes out of his way to teach the game to kids from his old neighborhood during his off-season. At least in between excursions to tropical locations with his girlfriend. We’re starting to sound like what we despise, so we’ll stop now.

Throwing that last second interception still haunts him.

Pacman Jones: It’s funny, I don’t recall him saying a word but remember seeing him on camera for at least ten minutes. Either he was catching multiple punts, going (unsuccessfully) head-to-head with Terrell Owens or dumping buckets of water on rookies heads, but he seemed to do it all unremorsefully. I’m not expecting a full-fledged admission of guilt and recklessness, but a man is in a wheelchair and he is at least partly to blame. Some recognition over how lucky he is for the opportunity to be on a playing field with the chance to earn millions of dollars would have been swell, but I should know better by now. I know he hasn’t been convicted of anything, but this guy has a Tony Montana like rap sheet, and were applying where there’s smoke there’s fire to this instance.

Martellus Bennett: The rookie tight end had some choice lines to open the episode and looks to be the face of this years crop of rookies with first round pick Felix Jones holding out early in the episode. He seems to actually have something to say, which is rare for football players. We think we might have used this quote before, but it was extremely clever and epitomizes the occasional wit that is lacking in today’s modern professional athlete. The quote went, “During the day we play baseball and talk about women, at night we go out with women and talk about baseball”. We have no idea who said this actually (DiMaggio or some other Yankee), but we have high hopes for Bennett in this regard on a hard edited two minutes of airtime. Obviously the league is in dire need of personality, and a backup rookie tight end is just the person to bring it.

As far as his on-field talents are concerned, we never watched Texas A&M because they haven’t been relevant in twenty years, so we have no idea how effective he’ll be or why they even needed a tight end in the second round (they already have four).

Jerry Jones: While he didn’t do anything outwardly abrasive or offensive, and this could just be our bias kicking in, but he strikes us as a true scumbag. Like one of dem ol’ fashion scumbags, know-what-I-mean? Just his schpiel about how they caught Pacman right when he is probably done terrorizing the nation really left a bad impression on us. But he’s committed to winning? That’s true, but it seems to be at all costs. I mean, listening to him talk about how, “The Cowboys are important” was self-involved enough to realize this guy has no perspective, little humanity and only a vague semblance of a soul. Also, if you’re going to be so committed to winning, it’s probably imperative that you win a playoff game once a decade.

There are several other bit players, including the seemingly annual for every team except the Cardinals receiver controversy with Sam Hurd, Antonio Bryant & the upstart from Canada (forgot his name) in the wake of Terry Glenn’s release (who has had the stranger pro career after leaving Ohio State, David Boston or Terry Glenn?). We didn’t even mention Jason Witten, who while a top five tight end in the league, has to be feeling like Jack Taylor with the second round pick.

And he was barely a blip on the radar. I don’t recall Marion Barber getting on screen, Wade Phillips had limited airtime that portrayed him as more of a fan than a coach, and we hardly saw anyone on defense other than Roy Williams. Basically, the only thing the Chiefs camp had last year that it seems the Cowboys won’t is ungodly attractive wives (though she is a girlfriend, it warrants mentioning that Jessica Simpson won’t be on camera, she’s gorgeous, but the whole Texas floozy vibe doesn’t do much for us). Namely, the spouses of Tony Gonzalez and Brodie Croyle. I mean, Michelle Witten was fine, but I’m pretty sure if it meant I got to bed Kelli Croyle, I could find it in me to lift a car over my head. October Gonzalez is no exception.

Good start to a good season of television and football. We have olympic basketball to carry us through the rest of the slow summer days, but we’re chomping at the bit waiting for college football to pick up, then the NFL after that, and Hard Knocks is an ideal way to assist us through these dog days.