Grid Effect

As is often the case, Wednesday never feels like it is closer to the weekend than Tuesday even though it technically is. And still, your broadcast networks are dead set on making the middle of your week seem as long as humanly possible. After the rundown of what’s available tonight, you’ll hopefully find some other way to spend your free time or be in bed by 8pm.

NBC

8pm: Deal or No Deal
It bears mentioning that this show is on for two hours tonight. Two fucking hours. For whoever is out there watching this broadcast in full, I really hope you’re studying or applying for jobs or receiving or giving oral to your significant other or anything else that simultaneously warrants your attention. Because right now I have this mental image of some guy sitting on the edge of his couch, eagerly awaiting the decision by a contestant, then she dramatically hits the button and he leaps in the air screaming, “He took it! He took the $200,000 grand!” and it will certainly haunt my dreams.

10pm: Law & Order
The original, without any fancy and menacing subtitles. I haven’t verified, but I’m pretty sure at 10pm on NBC, every weeknight short of Thursday is occupied by a Law & Order episode. You know what’s really depressing? Between this and its lead in, this is probably NBC’s “big” ratings night.

ABC

8pm: Wife Swap
A liberal carnivore and a conservative vegan swap places and confused confrontation ensues. The final tally for this episode: four crying jags, three idle death threats, seven humiliated children and about forty unseen horrified extended family members. Collateral damage, we say. Nothing like victimizing yourself, friends and family all for the sake of participating in what’s probably the lowest brow of entertainment imaginable.

9pm: Supernanny
“Jo encounters the strangest sleeping arrangements she’s ever seen.” So says the description for the episode. And really? Sleeping arrangements? This is occupying two hours of pre-taped television? Well, sure you have to move some beds around, potentially some other furniture to create additional space, then determine who will sleep where; but I can’t envision this taking more than twenty, thirty minutes. Forty, tops. But hey, I’m going to go home after work today and possibly watch the NBA playoffs after I mow my sister’s lawn, maybe ABC wants to put that on national television as well.

10pm: Men In Trees
This looks like another coming of age series akin to What About Brian? and October Road, of which ABC is only marginally famous for, so we’re not sure why they keep making them. But if forced to guess, the title is some sort of description of their jobs and also a metaphor for the male characters being regarded as immature for their age. So they all find women to teach them that being an adult means coordinating your living room, or something.

This photo, looks mightily similar to this one for October Road.

FOX

8pm: ‘Til Death
This is the one with Brad Garrett playing the monotone disgruntled husband as opposed to the monotone disgruntled brother. More so than anything we’re surprised this is still on the air. The saving grace at least for tonight’s episode is JB Smoove, who almost single handedly redeemed the most recent Curb season as Leon, is making a guest appearance.

8:30pm: Back To You
Never watched it, but just like its lead in, we are astonished this made it through the strike. Kelsey Grammar plays a news reporter and we imagine it’s as much of a dramedy as a flat out comedy. We really have nothing pithy to say about this.

9pm: American Idol
This neither. Actually, we hope David Archuleta is voted off, that way we don’t recognize any of the contestants names.

CBS

8pm: Big Brother
This was on last night. Is this shit overrunning the network now? Big Brother might be an improvement, but it’s still leaves a lot of room for more.

9pm: Criminal Minds
Oh thank god. that’s the CBS we know and love: Random cop dramas with aging actors and young actresses that no one can distinguish from CSI series’ on the same network.

10pm: CSI: NY
The original CSI, the one we can blame for all of it. Calling it old school would be disingenuous, because it’s like four years old, but its impact is so vast that on most nights we’d rather throw our television off a cliff than watch anything on the networks. Because about 40% of it was either directly or indirectly spawned from this very series (or Law and Order which pre-dates it, but we still maintain that it’s the superior show and didn’t have the negative impact CSI did).

In conclusion, watch South Park tonight.