Grid Effect

Like we promised yesterday, here is a brief overview of what’s on the networks tonight from 8-11pm. It’s not for everybody. In fact, it shouldn’t be for anybody unless you’re completely stationary from a car accident or a life saving operation or something along those lines. In other words, under no circumstances should you be watching any of this nonsense. But, to each his own, right? Here are your options.

NBC

8pm: Most Outrageous Moments
Again, I have no idea what the context of this show is. Most outrageous moments on set? In a courthouse? In a home? At an impound lot? In general? We haven’t a fucking clue. But I’m sure it involves someone falling down at some point, probably after being kicked in the groin.

8:30: Saturday Night Live
It is Tuesday, but don’t let those distinctions distract you. It’s SNL, and it’s the best of Chris Farley. Even if it is one of those clip shows in which the majority of the special is former cast members rehashing the wonder that is Chris Farley, as opposed to actual archived sketches, this is still probably the best we’re going to do tonight.

10:00: Law And Order: SVU
It says it is all new, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t seen it a hundred different times. Brace yourselves for forty-two minutes of tough talk, then a tearful confession, followed by an unremorseful prosecutor saying something along the lines of, “If he wanted to stay out of prison, he should have stayed out of the street”.

ABC

8pm: According To Jim
What the fuck? How is this still on the air? This show is mocked even by CBS sitcoms and still gets a primetime slot on ABC? Jesus. Is Dinosaurs following this? Actually no, we’re getting back-to-back episodes of the Jim Belushi vehicle. Dinosaurs was at times charming, According To Jim would never be anything like that.

9pm: Dancing With The Stars
This country is getting dumber by the month. I swear to god if this show took place in the mid-90’s, Dancing With The Stars would be nothing more than jerk-off material for middle schoolers. Just sixteen years later and it is ABC’s golden child, thus explaining why I haven’t watched a show on ABC in fifteen years.

We’re only partially ashamed to admit that if we were twelve years old, we’d totally take advantage of this opportunity provided by ABC.

10pm: Boston Legal
Though fairly popular, it says something about your network when the highlight of your Tuesday night lineup is a spinoff legal drama from a show that debuted 11 years ago. If you watch tonight, take a poll with your friends guessing how far into the show the first double entendre will be used by either James Spader or William Shatner.

FOX

8pm: American Idol
I’ve yet to watch a second of any Idol season since it’s inaugural effort, and still I know who David Archuleta is. Or rather, I know why people know who he is. I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup or anything. It’s only 10pm, but I should really be drinking.

9pm: Hell’s Kitchen
What is FOX’s — and I guess by extension, America’s — obsession with abrasive Europeans? I’ve caught a couple episodes of this, and not that I can prepare a meal to save my life, but I’m sure there are better ways to deal with an undercooked steak than to put someone’s nuts through a cheese grater.

CBS

8pm: NCIS
This is the episode synopsis from the CBS webpage:

“When the dead body of arms dealer La Grenouille surfaces, the NCIS team is put under investigation for his murder by the FBI and Jenny Shepard becomes the prime suspect”

The fact that there isn’t a period at the end of this description is the most memorable thing about it. I’ve never watched the series, but if someone can explain how this diverges from every other episode they’ve ever aired, I’d be happy to listen.

9pm: Big Brother
Unless Ricky Gervais is going to make a surprise appearance, then I want nothing to do with it, and I have nothing to say. Not that I consider it any worse than 90% of the aforementioned shows, but I still have no idea what the goal of the contestants is, but I know it’s a competition of some sort.

10pm: 48 Hours Mystery
Say what you will, but dramatic reenactments are probably the most critically lauded CBS programming that is airing tonight. Here’s hoping they catch whatever sick fuck they’re looking for.

So there are your options. I never thought I’d rather work than watch what the networks are offering up, but there it is. We recommend watching the NBA playoffs, Beauty and The Geek, or animal videos on youtube all as superior alternatives.