Grid Effect

I know I promised synopsis’ of The Apprentice and Extras, and I’ll get to that in the near future. But tonight I decided to log the Golden Globes. I am not sure why I am doing this, today is my birthday and I am logging a second-tier award show? Shouldn’t I at least be getting drunk? Never mind. Also, Forgive any possible typos, I wrote this as the show aired and was typing a mile a minute. If I missed anything, blame it on my lack of an editor…

8pm- The show kicks off immediately, everyone is already glossy-eyed as the Geroge Clooney reads the nominees for best supporting actress in a comedy or musical. It goes to Jennifer Hudson for her role in Dreamgirls. Haven’t seen it, but apparently everyone else has as she makes some joke that I don’t get. She holds back the tears and thanks literally everyone she can identify.

8:06- Justin Timberlake hands out the award for best song, they introduce him as “star of the film Alpha Dog“, how has Timberlake gone from easy boy band target to “film star”? The award goes to Prince for his song in Happy Feet (Is Prince really an appropriate correlation for a kids movie?). His music plays for an elongated ten to fifteen seconds before the producers realize he isn’t there.

8:11- Adrian Grenier and Eva Longoria are paired together as the two non-believeable actors on commercially viable series, unfortunately they are not announced as such. They introduce someone who gets the title of “Miss Golden Globe” named Lorraine Nichols. Who else is in favor of abandoning arbitrary titles? Anyways, they present Jeremy Irons with the award as best supporting actor in a miniseries or TV movie.

8:15- David Spade and Tina Fey present the award for best actress in a dramatic series. It should go to Edie Falco, Evangeline Lilly is the crowd favorite, it goes to Kyra Sedgwick for The Closer. She makes a joke about making Nicholson laugh and how pleased she is with herself. It is clearly the first time she has won an award like this.

8:24- Some woman introduces Babel as the first film nominated for best drama, never saw it, but would like too at some point. Looks like Traffic crossed with Syriana.

8:25- Rene Zellwegger salutes the Hollywood foreign press. Someone is making a bid for next years show. She introduces Phillip Burke, who is their president. He is as uptight as one would assume him to be. The crowd is laughing either with him or at him, it’s hard too tell.

8:28- Jessica Biel and P. Diddy present the award for best supporting actress in a mini series, TV Special or comedy. Goes to Emily Blunt, no idea who she is but good lord is she easy on the eyes. As any smart up and coming actress, she is sure too pontificate about the brilliance of everyone in the room.

8:31- The entire cast of Heroes goes on stage to present the award for best Actor in a drama. Two of them actually speak, Hugh Laurie takes it for his provocative role as the rogue doctor in House.

8:40- Charlie Sheen introduces Bobby, the second film nominated for Best Picture. He forces his brother, Emilio Estevez, the diector of the film (his first since Men At Work, too stand up and accept applause. Emilio hesitates, Sheen forces the issue, something tells me this isn’t the first time they have gone through this.

8:42- Steve Carell presents the award for best animated feature film, what I have come to understand is that Cars is a lock. Because it is talking cars instead of animals. I am pulling for Monster House because humans are protrayed through the wonder of digital animation. But it goes to Cars. I was talking with a friend earlier today, we capped at twenty years before Hollywood acting is a non-existent profession.

8:46- Joaquin Phoenix presents the award for best actress in a motion picture motion or comedy. Toni Collette is the crowd favorite for Little Miss Sunshine along with Meryl Streep for The Devil Wears Prada. I would prefer Collette but predictably it goes to Streep, who could now build a small fort inside her large mansion with all the awards she has won. She cracks a joke about having literally worked with everyone in the room, its probably not stretching the truth too egregiously. Anette Bening is seemingly hammered. Streep thanks our new found friend Emily Blunt, not sure for what reason but it throws her back on screen, so I am not complaining. Streep does bring up a great point in that up until now most of the critically acclaimed films were unavailable to most of the country, so why would anyone be watching this show? A question I didn’t bother too ask myself.

8:55- Ben Stiller introduces the first film nominated for Best Musical or Comedy, Borat. Ben Stiller refers to it as one of the best comedies of all time. It is a little flummoxing to see Baron Cohen out of character.

8:57- Selma Hayek presents the award for best Mini Series or TV Movie. I can’t shake the image of her dancing in From Dusk Till Dawn, which is a good thing. It goes to Elizabeth I, never watched it, still don’t care to. I think every non US-born nominee has to be considered a front runner at this point.

9:00- Rachel Wiesz presents the award for best supporting actor in a dramatic motion picture. Should go to Wahlbergs turn in The Departed, goes to Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls, which seems like a win for familiarity/seniority. Wahlberg never had a chance, probably as a result of leading The Funky Bunch at one point in time. In case you’re wondering, that is two for Elizabeth I in the mini-series categories and two for Dreamgirls.

9:06- Sarah Jessica Parker introduces the 2nd film for Best Comedy in The Devil Wears Prada, apparently Emily Blunt was the third lead in it. From what I can gather, the tone of this film is akin to that of Desperate Housewives, which makes me glad I didn’t watch it.

9:09- Sienna Miller and Terrence Howard present the award for Best Actor In a Mini series or made for TV movie. I don’t think I have ever seen any of these nominees other than Andre Braugher in Thief. For whatever reason there are seven contenders in this category, Bill Neigh wins it, he also thanks Emily Blunt, who the hell is this woman and where did she come from?

9:11- Someone presents the award for best actress in a mini series or TV movie, Annette Bening is still tossing them back. Helen Mirren is nominated twice and wins it for Elizabeth I. That makes three.

9:17- Cameron Diaz introduces the third film for best drama in The Departed, my personal choice, but as I have said I never saw Babel. This is a great film, but not Scorsese’s best. He might get it by default, though.

9:19- Hillary Swank and Jake Gyllenhaal present the award for best screenplay. Little Children and Notes on a Scandal are both nominated, along with The Departed. I plan on seeing the first two this weekend and wouldn’t be overly disappointed if any of these three won. So naturally, this guy Gordon wins it for The Queen, and we get out first transparently influenced political speech of the night. That takes real balls coming from the unrecognizable writer.

9:22- Vanessa Williams and Tim Allen present the award for best actor in a TV series or comedy. Should go to Carell for a second straight year… and it goes to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock, they don’t want to be redundant and he is good enough in the role. He says he wants to share with us that he is glad the statue wasn’t too heavy due too his recent hernia surgery. Nicely played, Alec, nicely played.

9:29- Geena Davis and James Woods present the award for best comedy TV series. Entourage or The Office would be suitable. They show a dramatic scene from Desperate Housewives which is weird, considering the show is only so funny too begin with. I have a rule of thumb I live by, and that is if a series is referred to as “Delicious” in its own trailer, I cannot watch it. My guess is Ugly Betty is taking it home, possibly Weeds, which I really want too start watching. Goes too Ugly Betty, my premonition was correct. Still have never had the opportunity too watch it, but the cast and crew seems elated. The cast for The Office would probably be yawning up there at this point.

9:34- Jamie Foxx gets on stage and yammers about people in the audience before he introduces the third nominee for best musical or comedy, Dreamgirls. He is in the adapted stage play, so it’s an odd decision.

9:36- The father from Blood Diamond and Sharon Stone present the award for best foreign language film, I would assume Eastwood and Gibson are the favorites for Letters From Iwo Jima and Apocalypto, but I tend too believe it will be a long time coming before Gibson is ever honored with anything ever again. Maybe if the International media consisted of Iran and Palestine, he would probably be a synch for every award available. As far as Eastwood is concerned, the show doesn’t seem too be going the away of The American… and I am wrong. Eastwood takes it, which is appropriate because that film is unreal. Spielberg co-produced it, usually he throws his name all over a project to help generate an audience, wonder what was different here. This was actually a really strong category along with Volver and Pan’s Labyrinth.

9:44- Jeremy Irons introduces the 4th film nominated for best drama, The Queen. Probably is a decent picture, but I am so back logged in unseen films it will be awhile before I get to it.

9:46- Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymoore point out that Prince was caught in traffic, and did indeed come out to the show, I find the whole thing vexing. The guy sticks out like a sore thumb. They are presenting the award for best score, it goes to some guy for The Painted Veil, I thought that movie just recently had its limited release. I enjoy films of the art house variety, but these are all so obscure and recent that virtually no one has seen them.

9:48- Jennifer Love Hewitt and John freakin’ Stamos present the award for best actress in a comedy, goes to America Ferrara for her semi-title role in Ugly Betty. She is really overwhelmed, like “Carmella Soprano trying too throw Tony out of the house” overwhelmed. See, sometimes acting just comes naturally. NBC makes her talk to the the award show version of a sideline reporter at this thing, the woman is really abrasive when she finally gets around to Ferrara, in what is the best awkward moment of the night, the interviewer asks Ferrara, “So what do you want to say too all of those who didn’t want you to play Ugly Betty?” To which Ferrara replies, “Um, I don’t know who they are”. This pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the butchered exchange.

9:59- Tom Hanks rants and raves about the size of Warren Beatty’s balls, apparently Beatty is getting some sort of lifetime achievement award. Hanks follows up, “And by balls I mean artistic vision”. They run down all the meaningful films he has either been involved in, it is exceptional. This is quite the ego stroke as it is about fifteen minutes long, Hanks does a good job with the detail in bouncing back and forth between humor and sincerity. From the montage of films, the one I need too see that I have yet to is Reds.

10:10- Beatty incorporates others from his generation into his acceptance speech, explaining how Nicholson and Eastwood have brought about feelings of insecurity with their recent success. Obviously just good-natured ribbing, even if it is true.

10:21- Dustin Hoffman introduces Little Miss Sunshine as the fourth film nominated for best musical or comedy. This or Borat would be approved recipients of the award.

10:23- Spielberg presents the award for best director in a motion picture drama. The crowd favorite is Scorsese and he collects the hardware. Eastwood was nominated for both of his war epics so he probably split his votes. The two nominees for The Queen and Babel simply lack the star power. So it makes sense Scorsese gets it for The Departed.

10:30- Reese Witherspoon presents the award for best actor in a comedy or musical motion picture, predictably and understandably it goes to Cohen for Borat. He leads off like he is going to bash America, because everyone is so sensitive to the prospect by saying, “I saw a side of America that rarely sees the light of day…” then follows it up with “And that would be my co-stars anus and testicles”. Too summarize, he gets really graphic about the experience of shooting that particular scene. The guy is in the audience, and doesn’t look amused, though it is probably part of the bit.

10:35- Dane Cook introduces Thank You For Smoking as the fifth and final film nominated for best musical or comedy.

10:37- Jennifer Lopez, the host of that hot new dancing reality show, is still getting offers to show up at these things as she gives out the award for best musical or comedy: Dreamgirls. The producer for the film accepts it and refuses too get off the stage as the exit music tries to destroy his will, but he perseveres and finishes up his speech. They are really rushing things to meet the time restraints.

10:43- Courtney Cox and David Arquette present the award for best TV Drama, goes to Grey’s Anatomy. I am not sure why I am even logging this, because this award show lacks all credibility with The Wire not even being nominated, much less a kitschy hospital dramedy getting the top award in television.

10:45- Phillip Seymour Hoffman presents the award for best actress in a motion picture drama. This is probably the strongest category, but the way the show has gone, Helen Mirren is a foregone conclusion in getting it for The Queen. Her speeches are incredibly literal and capricious, its the acceptance speech equivalent to Ben Stein from The Wonder Years.

10:51- Felicity Huffman presents the award for best actor in a motion picture drama. It rightfully goes to Forest Whitaker for his role as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. It’s getting a national release on Friday, I strongly recommend it. Surprised he got it over DiCaprio, whom the international media loves. But again, much like Eastwood for best director, DiCaprio was nominated twice in this category and probably split his votes.

11:00- Arnold Schwarzenegger presents the award for Best Motion Picture Drama on crutches. It unexpectedly goes to Babel over The Departed. It comes as a surprise because it had been shut out until this point. And really makes no sense.

A pretty tame award show, I guess that’s what happen when all of the film nominees tend too fall on the dreary side. Too be honest, this was a fucking marathon. I doubt I have it in me for the The Oscars.