Grid Effect

We were going to post some initial thoughts on AMC’s new series, Breaking Bad. But, alas, we sat down to watch it at midnight, stumbled through HBO On Demand and noticed that the new Wire episode had already been posted. So obviously that took precedent. And its so fucking great we’re not going to say a single fucking word about it. So, as an alternative, here’s what’s on your broadcast networks tonight.

NBC

8pm: American Gladiators
Probably the best low-brow entertainment ever created. It’s like MXC for the US. The difference being that when someone falls off the obstacle into the water, on Gladiators that water isn’t scolding hot. Still, they could probably do without Hulk Hogan hosting it, it already feels like something consumed by every meathead in this country, having the Hulkster there just makes it seem like more of a WWE event.

9pm: Deal or No Deal
Every joke that could possibly be made about this series has already been said. The only way its attracting more fans is if someone picks the wrong suitcase they have to sacrifice something equivalent to what they could have earned. That way when a contestant has two cases left, one totaling $500,000, the other totaling five dollars and an offer of $250,000, he/she will think twice about “risking” it.

10pm: Medium
Probably the worst critically acclaimed series on television, though that is certainly up for debate. Really, we have a hard time distinguishing this series’ artistry from Ghost Whisperer.

ABC

8pm: Dance War
We have no idea what this is, but we assume it will be a reality TV version of You Got Served, because somehow competitive dancing has turned into a mainstream phenomenon, and people actually take movies like You Got Served and TV shows like Dancing With The Stars seriously. A fact we find tremendously depressing. If they brought on some militant Russian broad like the one that gave me a large wooden spoon for Christmas when she lived with my family in high school while my sister was practicing dance, then maybe I’d watch. Then again, I probably wouldn’t.

9:30pm: Note From The Underbelly
Never seen it, but have caught several ads while watching sporting events. From what we can gather, since every ad involves a guy saying something a bit oafishly, then a woman responding with some witty retort and walking away triumphantly, we’re probably better off staying away, for the betterment of our sanity.

10pm: October Road
This is like a more sensitive version of What About Brian?. Which is like saying something is the brutal version of There Will Be Blood (great fucking movie by the way). In short, regardless of gender I’m pretty sure that if you watch this series you immediately start menstruating.

Members of the October Road cast. If you’re lucky, only two of the three will have cried by episode’s end.

FOX

8pm: Prison Break
Umm, Robert Wisdom is on it. What’s really astonishing is he’s more famous for being on this series than that linked clip. At times I think the American public doesn’t deserve to see an end to the writer’s strike.

9pm: Sarah Connor Chronicles
I guess we’re now willing to recognize that this series exists, but still not watch or endorse it in any way. Please develop some original concepts instead of adapting fifteen year old action movies for television. With every passing day it becomes harder and harder to fathom that this is the network that greenlit Arrested Development.

CBS

8-10pm: Two hours of censored dick jokes.
That’s right, How I met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Two and A Half Men and Rules of Engagement occupy these two hours. I suppose we should be encouraged, its the one night where CBS is running back-to-back-to-back forensics investigation dramas. Do these series have any redeeming qualities? Certainly, there’s probably a few decent laughs in a couple of these episodes. But does that warrant there existence? I would elect that no, no it doesn’t.

10pm: CSI: Miami
Yyyyessss! That is the CBS we know and love. It just didn’t feel right doing one of these posts without the obligatory hammering of high-production, low-substance CBS crime dramas. We haven’t seen tonight’s episode, but we’d be willing to bet that David Caruso at some point removes his sunglasses dramatically and proclaims a seemingly incidental death to be murder, and that he turns out to be right.

So yeah, it’s a good night for a movie. I recommend There Will Be Blood, this guy is like the Bugsy Siegel of oil drilling, only more depraved. Nip Tuck recap coming tomorrow.