Grid Effect

We haven’t done a Monday night preview in about five months. Granted, that is only a small fraction of time (January-May) in most television seasons. But since we were in the middle of a labor strike then, and we aren’t now, it might be fitting to review how our options have changed. Considering this is what we tend to think of most television executives, I’m guessing they’ll leave something to be desired.

NBC

8pm: American Gladiators
I have a friend in Miami who watches this show religiously, and while we haven’t gotten around to seeing more than a couple of events, we strongly disregard this. Why is that, you ask? Because we had to watch the show for roughly a half hour to see those couple of events, they ate up maybe seven or eight minutes (there’s no way in hell they occupied a third of their airtime), while the other twenty-two were filled with commercials, challenge summaries and a human interest story to remind us that American Gladiator contestants are regular people, just like you and me. So, if you’re interested in seeing people compete in random challenges on varying obstacle courses but do not like the social and domestic sides of Survivor, this is the game show for you.

9:30pm: Dateline
No idea what tonight’s episode “investigates”, but if they’re not cornering and humiliating would be pedophiles, then were not interested.

ABC
8pm: Dancing With The Stars
What’s really sad about this show is the people who compete on it, regardless of what they may have accomplished that got them there in the first place, they will first and foremost be remembered for whoring themselves out on a ballroom dance competition in an ill-fated attempt to rejuvenate their career. We suspect Denise Richards will appear on this sometime soon, though the show might be too big for her. To E! with you, young lady.

9pm: Bachelorette
Tonight is the premiere of twenty man whores vying for the affections of one woman, why they don’t just put their cameras in a bar on a Saturday night is beyond me, but this is what happens when you over-complicate things. Seriously, we’d rather watch the Sex and The City movie than go within five channels of The Bachelor or any or variance of the franchise.

FOX
8pm: Bones
In addition to the sitcoms we mentioned last week, this is part of the CBS-ization of FOX. As far as I know, the series is about attractive late 20’s early 30’s forensic psychologists who solve cold cases. See, that incorporates two CBS cop dramas in one. Man, say what you will about FOX, but they are nothing if not efficient.

We feel our characterization is pretty apt. We forgot about the patriarch second from the back, though.

9pm: House
We heard, that in tonight’s episode Dr. House surgically removes his own bowels for the benefit of a dying older woman. He stays alive through the majesty marshmallow creme and insulin shots until they can find a suitable organ donor. Riveting.

CBS
8pm: Big Bang Theory
Socially dysfunctional nerds learn to co-habitat with an attractive but dense woman and everyone learns acceptance and grows as a result.

8:30pm: How I Met Your Mother
The kid from Doogie Howser, the girl from American Pie, the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Britney Spears and two other people all engage in wacky hijinks to a hilarious result.

9pm: Two and a Half Men
Two brothers, one with a son from a failed marriage, with contrasting lifestyles learn to co-habitat through the genius of innuendo and puns.

9:30pm: Rules of Engagement
Your typical “married life is awful” series, with David Spade as the swinging fifty-something bachelor to contrast the misery of the two married couples.

10pm: CSI: Miami
We go from the failed attempt at comedy, to comedy being an unintended result of their ratings monster of a cop drama. Honestly, I defy you to control your laughter when David Caruso whips off his glasses and sticks it to a fellow detective, just like they do in real life.

In conclusion, we hope the Spurs-Hornets game isn’t another blowout.