Grid Effect

Rarely, well never, actually, do we get these kind of insider looks at the entertainment industry. But NBC was gracious enough to grant us access to the process of deciding their fall schedule. To say it was enlightening is an understatement.

Jeff Zucker: Gentleman, welcome. As you all know we have perennially been in last place for some time now, so today we are here to rectify that and hopefully develop some unique, invigorating series to capture the hearts and-

Ben Silverman (enters with icepack on forehead): Oh man, hey, sorry I’m late, man. We had a party going till six this morning over in Rainn Wilson’s hot tub and my head is pounding like Chuck Barris used it on our renewing of The Gong Show.

Michael Bass: We aren’t remaking The Gong Show.

Silverman: Oh, so that’s the one.

Michael Bass: Jesus, Ben, If you’re going to come in here late, hungover and insulting our efforts, you could at least make an effort to lie to us.

Ben Silverman: Why would I bother? You can’t fire me and make this network look like even more of a clusterfuck than it already is. I know you are already looking for a reason to let me go, and the way things are heading, I figure after one more fall season you will have more than enough reason to can my drunk ass. So I’m going to enjoy it.

Zucker: So you’re not going to put forth any effort at all, then? This fucking generation…

Silverman: Look, can we just get the fuck on with it? I’m meaning BJ Novak over at Scores in two hours.

Zucker: Our shareholders are not going to be happy about this should word get out, Ben. We hired you thinking you’d be able to reach the younger demographic, clearly you identify with them but are unable meet their market demands.

Silverman: With all due respect, Zucks, we’re the network that greenlit Bionic Woman, alright, the shareholders have much greater concerns then where I’m gang-banging European hookers with Office cast members.

Richard Cotton: Actually, Ben, that’s exact-

Silverman: I’m sorry, does anyone hear somebody talking? I know the Vice President isn’t trying to tell me what to do and how to act. Now if you fine gentlemen will excuse me, I’m going to get some aspirin.

(Stumbles out of the office, the door shuts)

Jeff Zucker: What the hell are we going to do with him? He’s a fucking disaster.

Marc Chini: First off, let me say that I’m sorry you had to hear all that, Lynn.

Lynn Calpeter: That’s alright, I’m used to it by now.

Chini: Secondly, I think our hands are tied. He’s under contract, and unless we want to shoot ourselves in the foot and watch our respectability plummet even further than it already has, he’s right, we are forced to endure him for at least another year.

Zucker: God damnit, people! How can we let one, sniveling little trust-fund baby completely derail an entire network! I’m the president of NBC! I should be able to do something about this!

Rich Cotton: Well, we can always circumvent the contract.

Zucker: In what way?

(enter Ben Silverman)

Cotton: Oh shit.

Silverman: Hey, what’d I miss?

Michael Bass: Oh, we were just contemplating ways to get rid of you while making us look justified to the public in doing so.

Silverman: (riotous laughter) Good one, Mike. You know, sometimes I get the feeling that you could do mine and your job, better than I can do mine. Guess we’ll never know.

Zucker: Alright, now if we could focus on the main objective here, which is improving our weekly primetime lineups. We need something that can really bring in an audience, preferably a young one. We’ve tried with Friday Night Lights, and for whatever reason that hasn’t panned out. Now we need something a little edgier, a little more risque.

Silverman: Oh, Katims has gotten the message, don’t you worry.

(Collective laughter)

Zucker: Right, but we need more than an improvement on a show no one has been watching. What’s one thing that all these teen shows: Gossip Girl, The OC have in com-

Silverman: Listen, guys, I would love to stay and chat. But the buffet at the city’s finest titty bar has my name all over it. Gentleman…its been real.

Zucker: You said you had two hours.

Silverman: Yeah, I did, didn’t I?

Zucker: So, what changed?

Silverman: My temperament. Listen, good luck with the primetime lineup. If you need me later today I’ll be at America Ferrara’s house, she’s having a barbeque for some friends who made it across the border.

(Exit Silverman)

Zucker: (Deep sigh) Hey Rich, tell me again about this…contract circumvention.

To be continued…

Note: This is all, 100%, fictional.