Grid Effect

Since we haven’t done one of these on a Wednesday in over three months, we are doing an evening preview today because we exhausted all the worthwhile links yesterday. Besides, I have a tendency to over-indulge, and not just in blogging. There was this one time I went to see a movie, then sneaked into a second movie without paying for the ticket. Oh, it was a time to be had.

Anyway, we’ll try to find some links later, so we have a reason to dissect the Rescue Me mini-episode.

NBC

Now-Forever: Olympic Coverage

You may have noticed a sincere lack of coverage of the Olympics around here. That’s mainly for two reasons: One, any time we use a sports event as a reason for a post, we feel a bit off-topic. The Olympics are no exception. Two, we don’t really give a shit about any of it other than the basketball. Yeah, all of it is impressive, namely the swimming and gymnastics, but nine times out of ten I’d rather be watching a pre-season football game. Which is like saying I’d rather watch something utterly inconsequential, forgettable and slow than the Olympics.

They are supposed to breed unity and positive competition, but more often than not they tend to usher in increased resentment and tension. When the US was making a run at the World Cup awhile back, if they had actually won it I’m pretty sure the world would cease to exist and I wouldn’t have the opportunity to type this rambling nonsense. Let the international community have their soccer, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing how much better of a sport American football is.

ABC

8-9pm: Wife Swap

Tonight’s episode swaps wives with a pussified bohemian family and a redneck, meathead wrestling family. Honestly, if you are going to turn your family upside down for a high schoolers athletic career, why not do it for something in which, if he can’t make a tangible living from, he can at least get a scholarship that Title IX won’t swallow whole for no real reason? I’d venture to guess the answer to that question also explains why anyone would subject themselves and their loved ones to the irrevocable, reality television chasm that is Wife Swap.

9-10pm: Supernanny

If it wasn’t for the South Park parody of Supernanny we’d have no idea what it is. Apparently some Mary Poppins wannabe goes into people’s houses and teaches them how to rear their unholy children. Whenever I think of this show, I think of Problem Child, Gilbert Gottfried’s magnum opus. If you haven’t seen or have forgotten about the film, the general premise is an adopted kid puts everyone’s lives in danger to humorous effects. “Oh, look at that. Junior set little Julie from across the street on fire, it’s hilarious!…So what if he put old man Patterson’s head in a vice? It’s his way of trying to make a connection. He’s adopted for Christ sakes!” Anyway, I fucking hate this show.

I think it is safe to say that Parker and Stone overlooked an angle for their Ginger Kids episode.

10-11pm: Primetime Crime

We have no idea what its about because their website is a giant clusterfuck of links we don’t have the time, patience or interest in sifting through. So we’ll just guess that at least a portion of tonight’s episode will focus on a man accused of murdering his wife. Those are always in vogue for the magazine journalism shows.

FOX

8-9pm: Bones

“A car was run off the road and the victim burned beyond recognition.” This is the description of tonight’s episode on FOX’s website. Um, so, is every episode about a murder investigation in which the only remains of the victim are literally his/her bones? Why the hell would any one watch something so fucking morbid? Also, how often does the above premise really happen? I’m sure it does, but unless it’s something similar to the plot behind Duel, I’m not buying. Also, this series is going to run out of ways to murder people so harshly. It has too. Or the entire writers staff is going to end up pulling a Heaven’s Gate.

9-10pm: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Never seen it, probably never will. We always liked the second one but ultimately preferred Total Recall, which came out a year before. The first one is a great movie, but not something we would sit through a second time, and the third one would be completely forgettable if I hadn’t taken my younger cousins to see it. We will give the series credit for good, or at least original casting. Including Dean Winters of Rescue Me and OZ fame, as well as Kristina Apgar, who I also recognize from Rescue Me, and whom I would starve myself for a month to see naked.

CBS

8pm: Greatest American Dog

It’s a standard CBS lineup with a reality show of people filling some void in their lives with an overt amount of affection for a pet. Listen, like everyone else with a soul, we love dogs. We even love our sister’s dachshunds, and they are arguably the most useless creatures on the planet. But we’ll be damned if we are going to watch forty-two minutes of people humiliating themselves by way of their peculiar treatment of a canine. Reason #3,472 why this country is going downhill: About 15 million people will watch this tonight.

9pm: Criminal Minds

Jesus Christ, does a night go by in which this show isn’t aired? Or at least a night when we aren’t doing one of these previews? Forget syndication, CBS already airs it ten times a week. But what can be said about any of these miscellaneous crime dramas on CBS? If anyone actually cares about any of these series’, they have to have conversations like this every other day:

Guy 1:Is this the one with all the flashbacks?

Guy 2:No, no, that’s Cold Case.

Guy 1: Or is it the one produced by Jerry Bruckheimer?

Guy 2: Everyone knows that’s CSI.

Guy 1: OK fine, it’s the one with the guy from Empire Records then, right?

Guy 2: No, you fucking moron, that’s Without A Trace.

Guy 1: Fine, which one is Criminal Minds?

Guy 2: Criminal Minds is the one with Joe Mantegna, the guy from Godfather III, you probably got him and the guy from Empire Records confused.

Guy 1: Ah, that makes sense. I have a hard time distinguishing one Italian you hire when you can’t get Pacino or DeNiro from the next.

It warrants mentioning that I could have done this for at least three more shows on CBS (Numbers, The Unit, NCIS), which is sad, but refreshing to know its still there. CBS cop shows are like McDonald’s, basically.

10pm: CSI: NY

See above if you want an opinion on this. We do hope Fishburne gets his payday though.

Again, maybe some links or something later.