Grid Effect

Well, we’re back, if not against our innate instincts. Mainly we’ve returned because of the new location, which strikes us as random, unexplainable, lazy, but necessary. Speaking of strikes, maybe the writers work stoppage will put this series in hiatus sooner than later, or maybe all they’re episodes have been written already. We don’t know, but we’re ready for the highs and the lows of a standard Nip Tuck season. All the absurd themes and settings be damned, we are fully committed and refuse to be deterred. So, with that, the fifth season got underway last Tuesday, and it seemed like it was three hours long.

Also, we did a half-ass scene for scene recap, because there is so much nonsense that happens in everyone of these episodes it’s just easier that way.

State of the art facilities and a poorly written opening, lots of back story and crappy subtext like, “you can’t dominate me, never could, never will”. Christian is about as natural of a basketball player as I imagine Rob Schneider is, seriously they might as well have super-imposed a smurf image on the screen.

Liz is there, no explanation as to why, I suppose because it’s convenient.

Financial woes, Sean is –ooh, Tia Carerre cameo according to the credits, she’s making the rounds this TV season, her and people of her ilk are the unintended victim of this writers strike– being fucked with financial obligations to his estranged family that hates him for no reason.

We get one of these annoying, generic montages that make me hate television as Sean and Christian get ready to go out and recruit new clients, they get the brush off since all the women in the town seem attached. “Semen in a whore house” is Christians manner of putting it. They immediately go up to the only homely looking woman in this bar, and immediately introduce themselves as surgeons. We even get a no so veiled Lindsay-Dina Lohan reference. Anyhow, said homely woman is an agent and schools them on the way of the city of angels.

Ooh, how meta. There going to be technical advisers on a show about plastic surgeons to boost they’re reputation and checking account. They apparently think they’re better than the show they’re portraying. And they are, but not in a landslide. Christian has his half black son there, either forgot about that or they’ve sprung it on us unexpectedly. The name of the series they will be working on? “Hearts and Scalpels”.

Gawker media blog reference, Defamer being the obvious guess, and you’d have guessed right. The reference comes from a masochistic actor whose mistress inflicts visible wounds on him. They do it on the spot, bitterly, because apparently they thought there would be no sexual deviants in LA. The showrunner is a bit of a stereotype played by Oliver Platt, and why the hell he even bothers with this, I’m not sure. Apparently the Casanova budget wasn’t quite what it seemed. Anyhow, he’s heavily abused by the male lead on the series, Aidan Starr. And I’m sure its something Christian is going to take advantage of, and Sean will begrudgingly follow along with.

In fact, they hark back to the story where they graphed skin from a woman’s vagina and put it on her lips (which were burned in a fire) but do it behind her husband’s back, since he had some sort of objection to performing oral sex. Platt, upon hearing this story, is finagled into offering them “producer credits and the occasional line”, to which he agrees.

Hey, Carly Summers, the character awarded with the episode title, is a forty year old actress reluctant to get plastic surgery, and the actress playing her is either pushing thirty or had extensive work done. Either way, she’s gorgeous and Christian actually advises against having any work done, they share a look and the agent is perturbed.

Oh, wait, hold on a second, he actually intends to take her out and convince her to get an unlimited amount of plastic surgery. Sean resents how he always gets to partake and the enjoyable parts of the operation under the guise of him, “being the salesman and Sean the talent”. Um, I’m not sure I want a salesman taking a knife to my insides.

Sean gets a call from Liz, apparently the masochist businessman had his mistress (played by Tia Carerre) in for an emergency session. She takes her job incredibly seriously, to say the least.

Christian is post-coitus with Carly and she is self-conscious around him, though somewhat reluctant to admit it. He tears her apart through a photo on the wall, pinpointing the year it was taken by saying, 18 years, they didn’t airbrush back them like they do now”. He draws all over her picture and it’s incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Harsh, man. You can see the pain in her eyes.

On set, Freddy is a wreck and Aidan (along with his costar) is obnoxious without being funny. Christian confronts the actor and Sean backs him with some techniques he learned from Tia Carerre to get Aidan’s attention. This is clearly going to be one of those themes that Nip Tuck hammers home for an entire season.

Now in the consulting session, Carly is agreeing to extensive surgery and they’re all signing confidentiality agreements and it cuts straight to them working on her face lift intertwined with Christian getting microplugs after Aidan pointed out his hair loss around his temples. It might as well be one of a dozen replayed scenes over the course of the past four seasons.

Sean is reading a letter from Matt, whose still with Kimber and seems at peace, at least from the tone in which he narrates the letter. Christian got an infection from the operation, which leads to Sean lamenting the distance from his family, and says, “Maybe we should have went somewhere that values substance over style”, and I suppose it’s partly true. They have a frank discussion about their intentions in LA. Christian is much more into the concept than Sean, as would be expected.

Problems arise on set about FCC issues and how the actress can refer to her operation. This character is grating. Seriously, quit fucking writing her like this. Apparently she stays in character at all times because she acts the same way.

Masochist businessman turned down the promotion and recommends they move back to Miami “while they still have their souls intact”, because, you know, Miami is so grounded and all.

I’m just fast forwarding through all the show scenes now, apparently Christian is actually into following it now. Oh, wait, they have cameos but Christian was edited out, and Sean’s line made it past the cutting room floor. Now Christian wants to drop the series, but while at a coffee stand, everyone recognizes him, which immediately brings on requests for business cards and such. He is now looking on at Sean’s surgeries. Aidan thanks Sean in the most narcissistic manner possible for chastising him, calls Christian, Christopher.

This plot is moving so incredibly, fast, and they are already at odds about whether to do the series or not. This is all so bizarre.

Christian sees Carly after her surgery, and she seeks some sort of assurance that she needed the surgery, he does not offer any such assurance.

Tia Carrere offers her services to Sean after seeing him on television. He initially refuses them, but its obvious he’s intrigued, since he has all this undeserved power an whatnot.

Sean phones it into a tabloid that Carly Summers just went under extensive plastic surgery and is sure to name drop, because he’s envious of Sean’s newfound fame. According to the previews his ruse is ineffective.

….Aaand scene. This is really poorly written and unedited, sorry for any and all oversights/grammatical errors/repetitiveness; but I’m about on my way to see American Gangster, and couldn’t really care less about Nip Tuck at the moment.

Back tomorrow with some links.