Grid Effect

Back in the saddle. We didn’t have nearly enough cocaine left to keep us wired for the entire telecast, should it run passed the 11:30 mark.

10:00- Oprah has her own version of Brewster’s Millions on ABC, we might have to watch that just for the material.

10:02- Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen prove why their part of the elite comedy team in Hollywood presenting the award for best sound editing. It should go to No Country for that ridiculous Antoine Chigurh’s ridiculous gun, but they throw a studio film a bone and give it out for The Bourne Ultimatum. People are scared to death of that exit music.

10:04- Hill and Rogen continue the same shtick and present for best sound mixing. We have no idea what the difference is between this and editing, but we’ll trust that their is one. 3:10 To Yuma is nominated here, and as far as we know this is unbelievably its only nomination, but it as well goes to Bourne.

10:07- Presenting the award for best actress is Forest Whitaker, a year removed from his role as Idi Amin. This is a really obscure field, despite our regular and over-indulgent film attendance we’ve only seen two of these, it goes to someone named Maria Cotilliard for La Vie En Rose, the same women who was shedding tears after the win for best makeup for the same picture. Eh, no opinion one way or the other on this one.

10:18- Stewart is playing Nintendo Wii with someone when we return, and its the most exciting thing to happen since the monlogue. Colin Ferrell (who was in a borderline great movie I saw last night called In Bruges), presents the song “Falling Slowly” from Once by Glen Hansard. Another film we wanted to see but never got around to. It’s supposed to be fantastic and doesn’t fail to live up to expectations. A little overly emotive, but good all the same. I suppose seeing it in the context of the movie helps matters.

10:24- Jack Nicholson steps up to the podium with the look of a man who doesn’t want to be remembered for The Bucket List, something he really shouldn’t be too concerned with. He’s introducing another montage for best picture (we had to at least say why he’s on stage, our apologies). The titles on the montage are all left of center, so if you are unfamiliar with a movie such as The Bridge Over The River Kwai, you’d just assume it’s called “ver The River Kwai”, at least if you were an idiot. Also, it seems worth mentioning that I can’t believe some of the movies that won in the early part of the decade. It’s a good thing we were in college then and had binge drinking to distract us from the mediocrity.

10:28- Rene Zelwegger presents for best film editing. Do people winning these technical awards jump into the field saying things like, “Someday, I hope to win Oscar gold”? I’m sure some do, but the majority probably do not. Do we have to force them to take part in this spectacle? Can’t they do it off camera and condense this shindig down to two hours (at least)? Someone’s regretting a decision…

10:31- Nicole Kidman has a top on that looks like it is encrusted in diamonds. If that is indeed the case, no fewer then seventy Africans gave their lives for. Not sure if it’s worth it. Anyhow, she’s introducing another montage for lifetime achievement winner Robert Boyle. He has a scarf on that could cover the whole in the ozone. He is dapper and appreciative, amazingly the orchestra isn’t queued up to rush him off.

10:42- Stewart jokes about restarting the show, and we are so deep into a temporary depression that we couldn’t bring ourselves to laugh.

10:43- Penelope Cruz, who has never been able to lose her thick Spanish accent, is presenting the award for best foreign language film. This is the only category that 2007 failed to trump from 2006. But when you have Clint Eastwood nominated in this category, its probably never going to be trumped. The director accepts the award for The Counterfitters.

10:45- Patrick Dempsey introduces the last song nominated, it is also from Enchanted and is a romantic ballad. We’re going to go read Alan Sepinwall’s write-up on tonight’s Wire episode.

10:48-….And we’re back, John Travolta comes out to present the award for best song by dancing with one of the stage performers for the last nominee. Everyone pauses awkwardly, the gives a delayed applause. Everyone, and I mean everyone is rooting for “Falling Slowly” and wouldn’t you know? It takes the prize. Both seem flattered and are gracious, other than clearly having the best song and being European, is there a reason the crowd is so behind these two?

10:52- Luckily Stewart jokingly calls him arrogant then quickly comments on how great the moment was. Honestly, what does he have on these people?

10:57- Wow, Stewart and I’m assuming it was producer approved, brings out the female half of the “Falling Slowly” duet. These two must have some mass Hollywood orgy on tape at their apartment.

10:59- Cameron Diaz comes out looking like Chyna to present the award for best cinematography. There Will Be Blood wins appropriately. That movie literally had me mesmerized at times. It was embarrassing. Someone dumped a bag of popcorn on me and I hardly noticed. Said cinematographer says they all have Daniel Day Lewis to thank for the masterful camera work. Damn, that guy was multi-tasking like a motherfucker.

11:02- Hilary Swank introduces the in memoriam for February 1st, 2007 through January 21st of this year. Its not in alphabetical order so were guessing DOB or of death. Probably not the latter since Antonlioni pops up way too soon. Certainly not by recognizability, we’re going with DOB by the month, not year.

11:09- As of now we can think of three awards still to be handed out (Best picture, director and actor) and then we’re home free. Amy Adams, who we’d hate to think what we wouldn’t do for some face time with, presents the best original score (OK, four more). There Will Be Blood should be a shoe in, but we see it’s not even nominated and it goes to Atonement, so the young Mensch’s involved with the most questionable film up for multiple nominations don’t get completely shut out.

11:11- Tom Hanks steps up to the podium and as he does everything, introduces several soldiers from Bagdhad in a likable manner, and they present the award for best documentary short (shit, six more). It goes to two women responsible Freeheld. As always the case with documentaries, the subject matter is something the creators are unabashedly passionate about, and the woman is in tears.

11:15- Hanks presents the award for best documentary feature, and really, if King of Kong isn’t nominated then I can’t really take this seriously. We know it’s lighthearted by comparison, but is so well-executed and so humanizing (which is almost harder to do in a film about Donkey Kong than a war) that its absence is palpable. Anyhow, it goes to Taxi to The Darkside.

11:23- Harrison Ford comes out to present the award for best original screenplay (its best to not listen to any of my presumptions). Strong category, but Diablo Cody is going to win due to hype and her overwritten dialog. Naturally, maybe listening to some of my presumptions is wise. She manages to avoid saying anything like “honest to blog” while choking back tears before losing it at the tail-end of her speech. Damn it, now I feel bad about taking a couple shots at her expense.

11:29- One minute before the scheduled end of the broadcast, and they are just getting to the first of the “final three” awards that I said were to be handed out. Helen Mirren presents the award to Daniel Day-Lewis who apparently is there (though his overly humble cinematographer suggested otherwise) for best actor. What should be the strongest of categories but has three performances we’re unclear about, most notably Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises, when he very well could have won — much less been nominated for — A History of Violence. Anyhow, its good to know what Daniel Day-Lewis actually looks like.

11:40- Best director is presented by last year’s winner: Martin Scorcese. We’ve never understood how this award differs all that much from best picture. What about the best directing isn’t synonymous with the best movie? The nominees are almost identical to the best picture category (Diving Bell and The Butterfly replacing Atonement). No Country wins this as well, giving it three on the night, and I’d bet dollars to donuts that it wins best picture as well.

11:45- Denzel presents for best picture, he’s beginning to look like Forest Whitaker more and more everyday. Naturally, No Country takes this as well, and it is somewhat odd since they just got done intentionally giving a incredibly short but thankful and lighthearted acceptance speech for best directing, so they let another co-producer do all the talking.

That is it for the 80th Oscars. We are mercifully done. The bright side of this running long is we only have thirteen minutes until the aforementioned Wire episode is posted on demand.

I wouldn’t expect anything from us in tomorrow. Maybe some links in the afternoon.