Grid Effect

Well, we recorded Sons of Anarchy, as to whether or not we watch it is another question altogether. We just canceled our netflix account due to the evidence that we’ve had the same three movies sitting on the mantle for at least two weeks. In other words, we are uncharacteristically busy. And we don’t like it. We prefer to have the available time to watch a season of The Wire every week if we so choose. Now that’s living.

Anyhow, we’ll try to catch that sometime this weekend. But probably won’t with football back in full swing. Sorry. It might not technically qualify as “busy”, but when the decision is between monitoring my parlays and fantasy teams vs. watching some random FX drama about bikers that we aren’t much interested in in the first place for the benefit of this site, we’ll generally lean towards the former.

In the meantime, with Hard Knocks still blowing quite steadily, enjoy part two of our three part Survivor: Gabon preview. We’ll try to ratchet up the vulgarity a little from part one. It was sorely lacking.

Danny Brown

This is the new Dreamz, except probably not as avuncular, charismatic. Shit, he never even lived in a car, much less on the street. He was living high off the hog in temporary housing. Pssh, how did you even get on this show, Danny? But in all honesty, after going through seven of these contestants, just based on the CBS profile alone he is easily the most likeable. Like, if I was watching Survivor with a new girlfriend or something, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to say, “I’m pulling for that guy” in reference to Danny. I’m not sure if I could say the same thing for the first six.

Gillian Larson

Mrs. Larson is sixty-one years old, and as accomplished as anyone who has ever been on this show. Sixty-one, to the best of our knowledge, is the eldest of all survivors. Meaning despite her physical accomplishments (shit we can’t even fathom doing), she will be quite feeble. We are really hoping she is able to bake cookies in the sun or something, because just like we always root for the most impoverished survivor, we also root for the oldest.

Jacque Berg

The women of the unfortunately spelled name checks in at twenty-five and participated in every title IX sport imaginable. She is the “good girl” of this season, and of all the caricatures Mark Burnett goes for, this is constantly the most overlooked in terms of being seen by her peers as an actual asset. According to her bio, “Her biggest pet peeve is people who talk about their big dreams but do nothing about it”. Well, I guess that rules out a future for us, Jacque. I thought we hit it off, but making empty promises and lethargy are two of our more ingrained character traits. It also doesn’t help that you share a half of a first name with our mother, either.

Jessica “Sugar” Kiper

Basically a carbon copy of Courtney from Survivor: China. She is even from New York, which I am sure we will here endlessly. Despite being rail thin, she’s actually filled-out compared to Courtney, and as a result is a pinup model. But still hopes to win in order to “get off people’s couches”. Meh. If her bio is any indication, she might be completely devoid of a personality.

Kelly Something Foreign Sounding With a Lot of Vowels.

She isn’t a self-proclaimed bitch, and I’m not even sure her bio could be considered as such, but if she isn’t a bitch then she is pretty fucking insufferable. “She gets what she wants and does what she wants” Kelly is quoted as saying in her bio. Yes, Kelly, we get it. Attractive girls in their early twenties basically have get their way so long as their is a straight male with influence somewhere around. It doesn’t make you redeemable or even remotely interesting, as you will probably find out when you are 35, if not 30. Every Survivor season is different in its own respect, but there is a lot of redundancy on the show. This type of tired contestant is probably the most basic example of that repitition.

Ken Hoang

Though he is built like an eight year old, Ken has climbed Mt. Fuji; making him this season’s wannabe Ozzy. Shit, he might surpass him in terms of challenge domination, but there is only one Ozzy, despite how batshit crazy he allegedly is. We suspect he is more like a hybrid of Frosti (the midget from China) and Ozzy. Fitting with the stereotypes that permeate this show like no other so none of us are confused, Mr. Hoang is a professional gamer and won some Smash Brothers tournament, whatever the fuck that is. I’m sure those joystick skills will suit him well on that island, If you know what I mean?

Back with part three either tomorrow afternoon, but much more likely to be posted on Monday. Maybe back with a few links later today.

*=I have no idea what that means, I’m literally asking.