Grid Effect

And here it is, we finally finish this preview two weeks before the premiere actually airs. We kind of feel guilty stretching this out over the course of a couple weeks, but with two weeks before an episode even airs, anyone who actually reads this will forget about it by then. We’ll be sure to link to them at least a dozen times between today and the 25th. Also, let me state that we do not hate any of these people, we’re just joking around on this site. That’s how we roll: lightheartedly.

Marcus Lehman

God damn it, I really hate having shirtless men atop my webpage, but I don’t know where I’m going to find another picture of Marcus Lehman on the internet. And frankly, since the only picture I’ve ever seen of him is shirtless, I’d feel a little creepy looking for a second. Anyway, Marcus is a doctor who felt it necessary to take a break from saving lives to participate on a TV show. I’m pretty sure this is the litmus test for whether a guy became a doctor to help others or to get laid: if said doctor is an aspiring reality show contestant. I’m not saying a guy can’t go into medicine to do both, but actively pursuing Survivor tends to indicate the scale at least tilted in the favor of one motivation over the other.

Matty Whitmore

While one might have a difficult time telling Marcus and Matty apart (it couldn’t sound anymore like a gay cop show), they couldn’t be any different in terms of life goals. Matty is a personal trainer, which means you can expect him to say the words “bro” and “dude” at least a couple hundred times over the course of the season’s run. Honestly, if you ever go to a gym or anything of that sort, I get the impression that Matty is the type of guy who high five’s his friend after a series of reps.

Michelle Chase

This is more like it. Miss Chase has had a rough go about it in her 24 short years on this planet. Growing up poor and without a father in south Florida, Michelle would make a great subject for a sentimental profile on SportsCenter. Anyhow, she now lives in LA, seems happy, and is the most likely candidate to end up at least making out with the aforementioned Matty.

Paloma Soto-Castillo

Mark Burnett must have really emphasized eye candy this season, particularly with women, because Paloma is at least the sixth contestant that is rather easy on this website’s eyes. She fills the hours by playing Texas Hold ‘em and aspires to one day open an orphanage or elementary school in Kenya. Basically, there is nothing mockable about her. That’s fine, but if she is even remotely likeable we might have to start writing her letters. Shit, even if she does get the “crazy minority” edit we’re going to be able to look past it.

Randy Bailey

So, uhh, we’re not really certain what to say about this cat. In short, he hates everyone and trusts no one. He might be the white version of that crazy herbal medicine guy from the Exile Island season. He has an engineering degree from Vanderbilt, but chooses to work as a wedding videographer in Eagle Rock, Missouri. He has virtually no living family, a dead labrador was his only love and claims that he is a surefire winner should the game not have a surplus of “twists”. You know, random ousters and challenges that dramatically effect the game. Whether he will end up winning or not isn’t the question, but we do agree with him in the insinuation that the “twists” needlessly manipulate the outcome…We get the feeling this guy could write this site and none of you would know the difference.

Suzie Smith

Another South American living in the states, this time it is the sweet looking Suzie Smith who apparently has a “zest” for life despite residing in Iowa. I can admire that, I live in Ohio and ask myself on a daily basis why that is such. The most common answer I come up with is that I’m an idiot, but that can’t be right, right? Anyone? Anyways, Mrs. Smith is an underdog in every sense of the term. Looks and age tend to be what dictates your alliances in this game, and Suzie is most certainly a minority in both instances.

We never pick winners for this show, because there is absolutely nothing to base it on. But what the hell? We’ve made enough outrageous assertions in these three posts.

Final 4: Marcus, Paloma, Ken & Charlie.

Winner: Charlie.

There, we’re on record.